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Warnings: talks of depression.
Vote please!!
Words 1430
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• Jenna •
Everything comes to an end.
Everything but death.
Death is the end. There's nothing but hell after that. Or heaven. It depend on who you are.
Jenna would like to assume she'll go to heaven. Even though she was sure she was going to hell. Everything she's done in her life only makes her feel guilty. Even if it wasn't her fault half the time, it didn't make it any more of an okay thing.
She lost everything that night. Blood, sanity, and virginity. Of course, she's not crazy. But sometimes she thinks she is.
How could she not be? She was used, and then thrown away. She deserves to be able to lose it sometimes.
She never meant to lose it in front of Tyler.
"You alright?" Tyler asked concerned, his eyes followed the stray tear as it landed on Jenna's book.
She wiped it quickly, twisting her chair the other way. "I'm fine."
Through the time they've known each other, Tyler had grown confident. If he just met this girl he'd only nod his head and take her word for it, but now he knew her. Now, 'I'm fine.' wasn't an answer. It was, however, a way to block out the people who actually cared.
"Jenna, it's okay. You can talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about! I'm just having an off day." She took a deep breath, as she twisted back and forth in her chair. She felt cornered.
Tyler sighed, as he hoisted his satchel onto his shoulder. He was about to leave to go home but now he was thinking otherwise. "You don't have to talk about it. There's other ways to feel better. Can I take you somewhere?"
The question startled Jenna. If I be totally crude honest: The last time she went somewhere with a boy she got raped. But she trusted Tyler. And she oddly felt safe with him.
"Yes." She told him, picking herself up from the chair. She felt like a glass doll, like she could break at any moment, and burst into tears. She didn't want Tyler to see her that way.
She didn't know exactly why she felt like crying. I guess it's a free gift on the side of depression. She definitely had a reason for crying, but the reason happened a year ago, shouldn't she stop using that excuse at some point?
Jenna slipped out of the chair, setting her book down on the counter. Tyler quickly latched his hand with hers, guiding her out of the music shop. Jenna flinched slightly, but soon relaxed at his touch. She felt butterflies fly out of their cages, and into her stomach. It was like the butterflies finally escaped the clasp her heart had on them. They were celebrating.
"Where are we going?" Jenna asked, but Tyler didn't reply. He shifted his car into gear, and began out of the parking lot.
"Why waste words telling you if you can look for yourself?" Tyler questioned. Jenna rolled her eyes, taking a deep breath and exhaling.
The pit of her stomach felt empty, as if every time she took a breath the air entered an empty, eerie, room. When she finally exhaled she was relieved, like the gust of wind was pounding to get out of her body. It didn't want to be stuck inside her empty chest just as much as Jenna didn't want to be, herself.
"So, tell me some things." Tyler broke the ice, making Jenna turn to face him.
"What kinds of things?" Jenna's small voice asked.
"I don't know." He shrugged. "What are you thinking right now?"
Jenna furrowed her eyebrows the tiniest bit, looking at the dashboard in thought. No matter how innocent Tyler meant by the question, it was invasive either way. Jenna found that question odd. Why would someone want to know the brain of someone as messed up as her? She might not think about blood and killing people, but her brain was it's own kind of messed up. Her thoughts were something she didn't believe anyone else had.
"I'm thinking about the fact you asked me what I'm thinking about." Jenna shrugged. She wasn't wrong.
Tyler chuckled shortly. "Oh, right. Whoops."
They passed some trees, and landed on a dirt road. Tyler peered over the dashboard as he slowed his pace on the pebbly path.
"Where are we going?" Jenna asked again. She took in her surroundings.
To her far left, beyond Tyler, was a lake. To her right were trees upon trees upon trees. They were in the woods.
"My dad used to take me here. I used to clear my head when he'd take me fishing." Tyler explained, parking the car and reaching in the backseat. He failed to mention the time his father suggested bringing his girlfriend here. But he definitely thought about it.
"Oh, do you still fish here often?" Jenna asked.
Tyler sighed as he pulled a blanket from behind his seat and into his lap. "Nope. We've both been busy."
Jenna nodded, as they both swung their doors open, stepping out into the warm breeze. It was mid May.
Jenna met with Tyler on the other side of his truck. "So, what are we doing here?"
"Like I said, I'd come out here to clear my thoughts; Let them flow." Tyler spread the blanket beside a tree, flattening it out, and sitting down. He patted next to him and Jenna joined him.
"Okay, so a picnic?" Jenna asked, and Tyler shook his head.
"Not exactly." Tyler shrugged.
The night we coming near as the sun slowly guided itself home. The sunset consisted of pinks, oranges, and reds. The sun formed into some sort of yolk shape and color, the light shining across the sky and hitting both Tyler and Jenna's face. Although, it was to bright to look straight at the sunset, it was dim enough to not feel the need to squint. It was perfect.
"This is crazy." Jenna began, her eyes fixated on the colors of the sky.
"What is?"
"All of this." Jenna monotoned. She was to in awe of the sky to add the feeling into her words. "How every single detail is perfect; beautiful." Jenna looked up, above them were fading stars, all of them gathering up for the moon's great arrival. "Yet here we are; humans. The most imperfect beings in the world."
Tyler gulped. That was deep, but he wasn't going to lie: he's thought of the same thing multiple times. "Yeah." He managed.
"Makes me question why God put us here. If the whole world is flawless then why did He put something so defective?"
Tyler thought for a moment, looking down at the blanket below him. "Well," he began, "I see us as the one thing that's unique." He looked around, the bushes now becoming a darker green as it's shadows creeped up on them. "Everything else is indecisive. They can't make the decision of being imperfect. Yet humans have the choice of being good or bad. We might not be perfect, but that's the point. We strive to be as good as we can, and God is pleased with that."
Jenna nodded, her brain processing the words. It did make sense, but what if there was no God? What then? We're trying to please something that doesn't even exist. "What if we can't please Him?" She whispered.
"We can. We just do our best. I've always seen Him like my parents. No matter how much I fail they still seem to keep me up and keep loving me. Even though I'm far from deserving it. It's the same with Him." Tyler sighed as he thought of how cruel he is to his family. They work so hard to keep him on his feet, and all they want is for him to strive to be the best he can be. "I think." He added, because no matter how much he thought about the subject at hand, he could never be a professional.
Jenna nodded. The sun had finally set, the slightest sliver noticeable behind the trees. The stars were full on shining now, so Jenna laid down to look up. "You took me here to stargaze didn't you?"
Tyler nodded, laying down beside her. "I guess so."
Writers note - your wise words have never left me, Ty.
- Jenna Black
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This is one of my favorite chapters hehehe.