Chapter 10
Things were even lonelier without my iPod. My weekend went by at a rate so painfully slow that at one point I questioned my own existence. Had time been moving at all? Was I still a part of the rest of humanity? How much longer until I could go back to school? Fill myself with gossip vultures and advanced classes, laughter and hijinks? It was impossible for me to suffer further. I was now living the life my mother and brother suspected I'd always had and they were right...it was awful.
On Sunday, my neighbor invited me over under the guise of needing help with a bit of cleaning in order to let me add a couple new songs she thought I'd like but I had to tell her I was busy. Allowing Matt to take it had been horrible of me but I didn't have many other choices. I didn't know how to tell her that I let her present get stolen; something she'd picked out with me in mind and begged me to keep safe. What a brilliant job I'd done.
Day after day I watched Matt walked around with my Ipod. Apart of me wanted to grab it from his ears but I knew better. There would be nothing to justify such an act in my mother's eyes. I would be floored before I could make my getaway and nothing in my mind could convince me it was worth it. Mother would destroy it—throw it into the dishwasher or down the toilet bowl and I would be hurting. Even I knew it was better to leave it in Matt's possession than have it meet an untimely end.
It was mid-March and I was getting worried. It had been nearly a week since mom made any attempts at my life; left me anxious and downright jumpy. It wouldn't last, I knew that much but how much longer. When would my next meal be THE meal? When would her next gesture see me at the bottom of the staircases nursing my back? The mind games were enough to leave me in knots.
"Mom can you get me some chocolates for tomorrow? There's this girl I wanna give 'em to." Matt asked as he threw himself onto the couch and turned on the television. No one would ask if he had homework, he was free to do as he pleased the moment he got home.
"Sure darling." Mom said, preoccupied by her work. Her job was online as a lecturer for some Ivy League University in Europe. It left her a lot of time to herself and she rarely needed to travel making it the ideal job for her. She made a good enough salary and whatever she didn't spend on liquor was saved or given to Matt. He would get the latest clothes and electronics while I had to be outgrowing my clothes for her to even consider buying me a new shirt. It was for that very reason that I decided from a very young age that clothes didn't matter. I refused to get my hopes up for new clothes when I knew it wouldn't happen. Hardly anything excited me because I knew better. The girls in my class would take their dolls to school and no matter how pretty their dresses were, I would adamantly deny it, telling them how silly they were for playing with things that weren't real—boasting that I preferred to read because at least then I was smarter than them. As you could imagine, it didn't make me any friends. "Kai do you have anyone in mind you want to give something nice to as well?"
That question caught me completely off guard. Why would my mother care? "Um. . . not exactly . . .—" I'd never felt the need to get anything for anyone. They did not fancy me and I was none too taken by them either. It was simply the way things worked.
"Of course she does. She likes Jayden." Matt said looking up at me briefly, the spiteful glint in his eyes before his focus shifted to the television again.
Was he serious? I knew what he was doing; he was trying to get me killed. The fact he hadn't ratted me out meant nothing. There was still time. No statute of limitations on things I did. It could be years later, it could still make my mother inexplicably upset with me and nothing good would come of that. Matt had my iPod. If he wanted to, any moment could be my last.
"Hm, well why don't you invite him over for dinner tomorrow?—Isn't your school dance coming up? Remind me to get you a dress or something." She muttered, twirling her pen distractedly. Was she feeling alright? Had the sobriety gotten to her head?
"Cool, Jayden's coming over tomorrow!" Matt said, now very attentive to the conversation he would have otherwise discarded. The suggestion had the exact opposite effect on me. Jayden coming over meant nothing. He would belong to Matt for the night and I would be stuck up in my room pretending I didn't exist. I still hadn't told Jayden about the incident, it worked better for all involved. Matt would be happy, Mother would be happy, the idea of me 'getting away with it' made Jayden happy. That was all I needed. Nothing else mattered.
Mom nodded, now completely lost in her work again. I stared at her for a moment. She looked more decent than usual and I noticed she hadn't had a drink in three days. It was the usual habit of hers, sobering up to get her work done when it needed doing. On those days she was almost tolerable. The average person could even call her normal but even then...she was never like...this. I still didn't understand why she was being so attentive now. It was frightening. Never had she ever cared about my school dances, nor what I wore to them. She didn't care who I happened to like. Being sober never made her THAT nice.
The next day, I went to school with a full stomach. It was such an odd feeling that left me lethargic and somewhat uncomfortable. Yes, I could have stopped myself at any time while eating but after another meal with zero poison detected, I couldn't help myself. The food didn't stand a chance once it hit my plate and when Mother offered me seconds, I thought I'd died and gone to temporary heaven. There was no refusing, not when she was being so nice—I'd learned that too. It had been a glorious thing but now it hurt to move.
"Hey Kai, heard you don't have a date for the dance yet." I turned and found Josh leaning against the locker next to my own. He was the same guy who'd asked me to be his partner that time when I'd first transferred here. He had a bunch of flowers in his hands and an expectant look in his eyes. His smile stretched, touching his eyes and I could tell there was a question hidden in the statement. The dance. Right. In everything that had happened, I'd forgotten I didn't have a date—not that I needed one, I never thought I'd be going. Not until this morning in any case. Mom wanted to buy me a dress. I took that to mean she'd rather I go which brought me right back to the problem of not having a date and an even bigger problem of being asked. It left me in an uncomfortable position such as this one where I didn't want to say 'yes' but was just as reluctant to upset anyone by saying 'no'.
"Kai doesn't want to go to the dance with you."
"Don't believe anyone was talking to you dude. This is between me and her."
"And now it's between you, her and me and I said she doesn't want to. Not sure Jonie will appreciate you stealing her date either."
...Say what now...? I glanced over at Jayden, wondering where he was going with this. Josh looked just as taken aback but only for a moment before taking in the look Jayden was giving him. There was a secret message being passed between the two that neither decided I needed to be clued in on. In the end, Josh merely extended the flowers again.
"Well, I still think you can have these. Bought them for you afterall."
"She doesn't need those."
Jayden! His tone was all I needed to know he was markedly unimpressed.
"Well why don't you make her decide?" Josh said still looking at me. Great, why the hell did he put me on the spot? If I said no it would hurt his feelings but if I said yes Jayden would be pissed. My gaze wavered between the two as I tried to find my voice. Whoever decided a conversation like this was best had on a full stomach obviously didn't know what they were talking about.
"Umm . . ." I looked at Jayden who raised his eyebrow but said nothing. It was as if he was trying to tell me that the choice was mine while at the same time questioning whether I'll actually accept. "Thank you." I said quickly looking again at Josh. I took the flowers from his hand and he smiled again. I looked down. If he was genuinely upset at my refusal, he didn't show it, rather he just looked disappointed which brought me back to Jayden's earlier suggestion.
"Well, have a great day." He said cheerfully as he walked off. It was odd, the lack of resentment. He'd been...fine with the 'no'. It wasn't nearly as big a deal as saying no to the guys at my old school. Here...there was no 'victim', no girl that everyone talked about. It was strange to think just how easy that had been.
I turned to Jayden. There wasn't even the smallest hint of amusement on his face. "What the hell, Kai? You didn't need his flowers, you're not gonna be his date."
"Well it's not like you decided to be my date. You shot me down, remember?" I said turning away from him to place the flowers in my locker. There was nothing to convince me I needed to take them everywhere I went for the rest of the day. They would only be a nuisance and further reason for Jayden to scowl.
He turned me back around and held me against the locker next to my open one with a devilishly breath taking smirk. "Last I checked, you said you'd have turned me down if I asked. Sounds to me like we're even, but if you'd like me to make a convincing argument that can be arranged later." He whispered. Instantly I felt all the blood rush to my face. Had the temperature gotten hotter or was it just me? "Unless, of course, you prefer to have me make up your mind now." He continued, tracing his fingers along my collar bone.
"Make another suggestion like that and I'll never go anywhere with you." It was the only thing that would come out of my mouth. Luckily it was a threat and not something stupid that would leave mortified for the rest of the year. He tended to have that effect on me, my first day of school is indication enough of that.
His smirk became less seductive and more playful as he leaned away. My message had been well received for however seriously he would decide to take it.
"Listen, my mom wants you to come over for dinner tonight, do you think you can?"
"Well...I'll have to check my oh so busy schedule." He mused, tapping lightly at his chin. "I think I might have a date with Alyssa tonight . . . or is it Erica . . . Seira?" He looked to be in deep thought. I looked at him in unadulterated disbelief and that's when a playful smile came across his face. "Nah, I'm joking, I'll be there at six." The smile split into a full out grin but I didn't think it was very funny.
I hit him—there was no helping it. I had been meaning to for a long time and it felt good to just let it out. My only regret was knowing I didn't hit him as hard as I truly wanted. That would require heavier objects than my under-nourished arms.
"Ow, I said I was kidding!"
I rolled my eyes and walked off, I would see him later but right now a break from his humour wouldn't hurt.
For the rest of the day I was preoccupied with the thought of Jayden coming over. I couldn't stop thinking about his methods of persuasion either, no matter how hard I tried. How would he have gone about it? The Lord knew it was already hard to think straight when he really worked at it. Sure I got my work done but that was about all the achievement I'd made. At lunch, I might as well had been on auto-pilot. Conversations happened around me and I laughed at all the right moments but if I was being honest, I wasn't truly listening.
That evening when I was helping to set the table the doorbell rang. Suddenly my hair mattered, my clothes mattered, absolutely everything on me mattered. He'd never said he cared about that sort of thing but that didn't help the fluttery feeling. This was all Mom and Matt's fault; their conversation from yesterday was doing strange things to me. Anxiously, I walked to the door, took a deep breath then open it but seeing who it was, I nearly dropped dead.
"Derrick . . . wha-what are you doing here. . . ?"
"I came to check up on the girl I love. It's been a while since you left us over at Jefferson." He said before pulling me to him and kissing me. I pulled away quickly, taking a hesitant step back. If he wasn't half inside, I may have even attempted to slam the door shut but fear and a lack of opportunity prevented this.
"You shouldn't be here." I whispered, my voice refusing to go any louder.
"Aw, why not? I've missed you babe." He said caressing my cheek with his thumb. I pulled my head away, shoving at his hand to create even more distance. "Hey . . . hey what's wrong?" He asked trying to kiss me again but I turned my face away once more. "What's gotten into you? You left the school and now all of a sudden you don't know me?" Derrick held me firmly. "Things don't work like that."
"Please, just leave."
Anger now burned in his eyes. I could feel myself shrinking at the realization that I made him mad. He was going to hurt me, I just knew it. Pissing him off was a bad idea. It would be like all the other times. In the few months I'd been away from him, I'd obviously forgotten my place and conduct. This was atypical behavior for me and I could see why he wouldn't like it. With raw rage etched into his expression, Derrick pulled me outside, closed the door then slammed me against the wall. My back was throbbing but I dared not utter anything above a yelp. "You think you're so high and mighty now, huh bitch?!" He slapped me across the face the way he always did; hard. I looked up at him but didn't answer. He pulled me from the wall then slammed me against it again. "Answer me!"
"No!"
"No what?!"
"No . . . I—I don't think that." I whispered, frantically shaking my head. He slapped me again; if possible, this one was even harder.
The front door opened.
"Kai, what's taking you so long? Mom's waiting for you to . . . " Matt's voice trailed off as he looked at the scene before him. "Um, what the hell are you doing here?" Derrick looked at him but didn't answer. "Get out of here and leave my sister alone you creep!" Matt shouted. I looked at him. It was one of the only times he'd ever referred to me as his sister and the sentiment was still floating around in my head. Was this Matthew Deneiro? The one that wanted nothing to do with me?
"Get lost kid." Derrick threatened, pulling a pocket knife from his back pocket. I felt the blood drain from my face. If Derrick hurt Matt it would be my fault. Mother would be furious with me. I'd get far worse.
"Derrick ple—"
"No, you get lost. You don't get to come to my house, order me around and hurt my sister, now I'm gonna tell you again before I get my mom's pistol and put a freakin' bullet through you damn skull!"
"Yeah right." Derrick scorned, raising the knife higher.
Out of nowhere Matt pulled out mom's pistol, the metal glinting in the light of the setting sun. Where did he find it? Mom hid it well enough to ensure she could threaten me with it, protect Matt and prevent me from ending my own life. "Are you daring me? Get off my front porch you asshole before you become cheddar cheese." Matt threatened now removing the safety. Derrick's eyes grew wide but he quickly composed himself as he let me go.
"Whatever; you're not worth it." Derrick said as he walked away. I sighed then looked at Matt who was putting the safety back on.
"Get inside; mom's waiting on you to finish the table." He said, heading back inside and disappearing up the staircase. A small smile came across my face. My brother had some use afterall. It was very possible that Jayden had gotten through to him if only on the level of protecting me from others. No doubt, he saw this as an opportunity to prove he was the 'big man' in the situation while having nothing to do with being my knight in shining armor. It was all the same to me so long as Derrick left.
I went inside and finished setting the table, acutely aware of the way my hands were still shaking from the encounter. Derrick had shown up with a knife, Matt had Mother's gun; someone could really have gotten hurt. Besides that, he'd hit me. My face still smarted from the blows but if mum saw anything off, she didn't say anything. While I worked, there was an ice pack pressed to my cheek, in the hopes I could minimize any bruising. As I placed the last fork down, the doorbell rang. Matt rushed to open it. "Jayden!" I heard him shout. That was my cue to stash the ice pack. The last thing I needed was questions upon questions. This was going to be a good evening, Derrick would not ruin this.
"Hey buddy." Was the reply. "Did you keep your promise?"
"Yup!"
I rolled my eyes but couldn't bring myself to be surprised for even a second by my brother's lie. Knowing what was good for me, I would support his story but that didn't mean I would be happy with it.
"Jayden, you're just in time." Mother said as she shared the food on each plate. I watched her keenly and saw it; something had been slipped into the food meant for me. I felt a knot appear in my stomach and knew the good night I'd imagine was now only a shadow fading fast. She must have gotten everything done for work. The liquor guzzling would no doubt begin after Jayden was gone and by then I would be in my own personal agony. Jayden walked into the dining room with Matt at his side. "You sit here Kai and Jayden you sit there."
I looked down but didn't protest, there was no point and it wouldn't help. All I could do was take my seat.
We all sat having quaint conversation before Matt offered to pray. Instead of being the devote Christian Mother pretended to raise me to be, I found myself thinking solely about the food through the whole thing. What sort of poison was it? What would it do? How soon would it take effect? Would I have any time to talk to Jayden at all before I had to feign fatigue and retreat into my bedroom? The Lord must have wanted my gratitude but this was one meal I wasn't happy to receive, nor was I trying to be truly thankful. After the prayer I stared down at my portion. Was I going to put this down my throat? Especially knowing it was there?
Jayden looked over at me contemplating something I didn't know. "Hey Kai, switch plates with me."
Both mom and I flashed him incredulous looks, possibly for the same reason. We both knew what would happen, we both thought he didn't know what he was asking for but in retrospect I think he did...
"Jayden is there a problem?" Mom asked, straightening uncomfortably in her seat.
"No but I prefer that part of the chicken and I don't want you getting up so I figure I'll just trade." He said with a casual shrug. The shock in our expressions were not hidden, there was no way he couldn't have figured it out and I found myself wishing he wouldn't.
"But it's no trouble for me to change it." Mother insisted, already rising from her seat.
"Plus I already used my fork." I added, raising and licking my eating instrument.
"I'm not scornful." He pointed out persistently. "Really Kai, it's okay, switch plates with me." I looked into his eyes. This was about more than a piece of chicken—if it had ever been about it in the first place. He—he wanted to help me but I couldn't let him. I would take the hurt; there was no need to put him through anything, especially on my account. . . . I wasn't worth it. If I'd known this was her plan, I'd have never invited him over. If not for me, he wouldn't be faced with this choice in the first place. Jayden smiled warmly at me, gesturing for me to pass him my plate. I glanced briefly from the corner of my eye at mother. She wasn't exactly pleased with the situation but she was slowly lowering herself into her seat again. I hesitantly handed him the plate and took his. The sinking feeling from earlier was back and my appetite was shot to hell. I watched him dig in as if the world was a perfectly okay place. Just a couple bites in, he was back to his conversation with Matt, seemingly oblivious to what he was doing. "Well aren't you going to eat?" He asked, glancing back at me. How could I when he was eating my poison? The whole thing made me sick.
I looked at my mother and she went back to her own dinner. I took a bite and a wave of nausea ran through me that had nothing to do with the food I was eating. I wouldn't be able to enjoy this knowing what Jayden was eating but not eating it would mean he'd done it for nothing. I tried again. This time it went down smoothly but something in my head was screaming. Somehow I managed to eat it all and Jayden, seeming unaffected carried on an even longer conversation with Matt while I washed up. It amazed me just how much they usually had to talk about. As I put the last plate in the cupboard I heard Jayden get up from the stool he was sitting on.
"Where are you going?" Matt questioned, rising too in case it was somewhere he could follow.
"I'll be right back; I just need to use your bathroom." He said, stretching lazily. Jayden headed up the stairs, as casual as if we were at school and he needed to spring a quick leak. I waited but after ten minutes of him being gone I went looking for him. There was no way he could be taking so long for no reason. As I neared the bathroom my suspicions were confirmed; he was throwing up. I pressed myself against the wall and took a deep, shaky breath. This was my fault, he shouldn't have been allowed to play the hero—just look what it got him. I stood listening to him lose his dinner for some time before walking to my room. I couldn't stand there listening to him anymore. It was physically painful.
Within another five minutes there was a knock at my door. "Kai, I'm gonna leave early, my mom's expecting me soon."
Liar. He was in pain. That poison didn't just cause vomiting, it brought excruciating stomach pain.
I squeezed my eyes shut, unwilling to call his bluff. He should have left...hours ago. Jonie knew everything; she might have been able to get him an antidote in time to thwart the symptoms. "Alright . . . I'll—I'll see you tomorrow. . . "
My eyes remained shut as I listened to his footsteps growing fainter. He wouldn't get any sleep tonight and depending on how much poison was in the food he wouldn't leave the bathroom either. What had I done?
"Kai, can you come down here?" Mother called from downstairs. A shiver ran down my spine. No doubt she was still upset that I wasn't the one who got the poison and deep down, I knew she would have never let it slide. I pulled myself out of bed and forced myself to go downstairs. Delaying the inevitable was a futile tactic I had forsaken ages ago. Mom was in the kitchen with a bottle in her hand. As I walked up to her I caught a glimpse of Matt sitting in the couch watching the TV. With Jayden gone, he didn't have any reason to pay attention anymore.
"Why did you give him your food?" She asked, her gaze locked on the bottle.
"He—he asked . . . for it."
"And?!"
"I didn't know something was wrong with it!" I lied desperately, my own eyes wild with fear.
"Yes you did! Just like you know something's wrong with this." She said holding up the bottle. "You know, don't you?" I nodded hesitantly. Lying again would have made her slam the bottle in my head. "Take it."
"What . . .?"
"Take the damn bottle!" She shouted. The slur of her last two words were what gave away that she'd begun drinking already. There would be no talking her out of this, no seeing reason, no distracting her. Hesitantly, I walked over to her and took the bottle but quickly went back to where I was standing in case she was feeling grabby. Matt looked over at us for only a second before looking to the TV again. He seemed a bit restless; aware but avoidant which contrasted his usual indifference. Mom took up a bottle of whiskey that sat behind her on the dining table and took a gulp. Definitely back to drinking and therefore back to her old ways. "Drink it."
I thought about asking 'what' again but knew better so I didn't. Instead I looked at her pleadingly despite knowing how futile begging would prove to be. When one was desperate enough, all rules were thrown out the window in favour of final pleas.
"Drink it!"
I raised my shaky hand, that held the bottle, to my mouth. The scent ran up my nose and I nearly gagged. I looked back at her and saw her take another gulp. There would be no mercy; there was no hope. I looked over at Matt. Our eyes stayed locked for a fraction of a second then he turned, switched the TV off and went upstairs. As unlikely as I knew it was, after the display earlier it hurt to know he would be of no help either. I looked back at Mother, she was waiting and I could tell her patience was running thin. The shaking in my hand only worsened and the knot in my stomach returned.
I took a sip and felt my head begin to spin. This wasn't just poison . . . it had liquor; my mother was trying to kill me. I looked back at her and she gestured for me to drink some more. I took another sip, this one more hesitant than the first.
"Stop wasting my time and drink the damn thing!"
Out of sheer terror I took a large gulp. There was a sharp pain that shot through my head. Suddenly everything was going dark. My knees gave way and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. My head was now throbbing and it sounded like someone had a remote turning the volume down. My body was going numb all over. I glanced up at my mother. She was leaning against the table, drink in hand, staring down at me. With my now limited vision I could tell that she looked disgusted. My eyes fell to the floor. The lights . . .they were dimming. Soon nothing existed. Everything was dark . . .