I Was Never Loved

I Was Never Loved- chp 10

Chapter 10

Things were even lonelier without my iPod. My weekend went by at a rate so painfully slow that at one point I questioned my own existence. Had time been moving at all? Was I still a part of the rest of humanity? How much longer until I could go back to school? Fill myself with gossip vultures and advanced classes, laughter and hijinks? It was impossible for me to suffer further. I was now living the life my mother and brother suspected I'd always had and they were right...it was awful.

On Sunday, my neighbor invited me over under the guise of needing help with a bit of cleaning in order to let me add a couple new songs she thought I'd like but I had to tell her I was busy. Allowing Matt to take it had been horrible of me but I didn't have many other choices. I didn't know how to tell her that I let her present get stolen; something she'd picked out with me in mind and begged me to keep safe. What a brilliant job I'd done.

Day after day I watched Matt walked around with my Ipod. Apart of me wanted to grab it from his ears but I knew better. There would be nothing to justify such an act in my mother's eyes. I would be floored before I could make my getaway and nothing in my mind could convince me it was worth it. Mother would destroy it—throw it into the dishwasher or down the toilet bowl and I would be hurting. Even I knew it was better to leave it in Matt's possession than have it meet an untimely end.

It was mid-March and I was getting worried. It had been nearly a week since mom made any attempts at my life; left me anxious and downright jumpy. It wouldn't last, I knew that much but how much longer. When would my next meal be THE meal? When would her next gesture see me at the bottom of the staircases nursing my back? The mind games were enough to leave me in knots.

"Mom can you get me some chocolates for tomorrow? There's this girl I wanna give 'em to." Matt asked as he threw himself onto the couch and turned on the television. No one would ask if he had homework, he was free to do as he pleased the moment he got home.

"Sure darling." Mom said, preoccupied by her work. Her job was online as a lecturer for some Ivy League University in Europe. It left her a lot of time to herself and she rarely needed to travel making it the ideal job for her. She made a good enough salary and whatever she didn't spend on liquor was saved or given to Matt. He would get the latest clothes and electronics while I had to be outgrowing my clothes for her to even consider buying me a new shirt. It was for that very reason that I decided from a very young age that clothes didn't matter. I refused to get my hopes up for new clothes when I knew it wouldn't happen. Hardly anything excited me because I knew better. The girls in my class would take their dolls to school and no matter how pretty their dresses were, I would adamantly deny it, telling them how silly they were for playing with things that weren't real—boasting that I preferred to read because at least then I was smarter than them. As you could imagine, it didn't make me any friends. "Kai do you have anyone in mind you want to give something nice to as well?"

That question caught me completely off guard. Why would my mother care? "Um. . . not exactly . . .—" I'd never felt the need to get anything for anyone. They did not fancy me and I was none too taken by them either. It was simply the way things worked.

"Of course she does. She likes Jayden." Matt said looking up at me briefly, the spiteful glint in his eyes before his focus shifted to the television again.

Was he serious? I knew what he was doing; he was trying to get me killed. The fact he hadn't ratted me out meant nothing. There was still time. No statute of limitations on things I did. It could be years later, it could still make my mother inexplicably upset with me and nothing good would come of that. Matt had my iPod. If he wanted to, any moment could be my last.

"Hm, well why don't you invite him over for dinner tomorrow?—Isn't your school dance coming up? Remind me to get you a dress or something." She muttered, twirling her pen distractedly. Was she feeling alright? Had the sobriety gotten to her head?