Three glorious months had passed and summer quickly turned to autumn. Happiness isn't even the word to describe how I felt at that moment in time, my life was perfect. You didn't mention Max being my ex neighbour, you didn't even seem to notice. Your stuff now cluttered my apartment and mine was all over your house. We were comfortable but not too comfortable, we were still trying to impress each-other like we had just met each-other that day.
I was sitting in your living room, you made coffee, claimed it was for both but ended up lying on the floor helping Cody build a Hot Wheels set. You were adamant you were going to get it finished today but you were distracted, we all were. You were struggling with tiny pieces while Cody played with the cars. Honey sat next to me on the couch with her now boyfriend Chris, the forty something year old jeans salesman. I was slightly concerned but you and Eddi assured me that this was normal, her boyfriends were either too young or too old and she did it all to get attention. We were all relaxed until Eddi walked in with her head in her hands, she was panicking which you picked up on straight away and sat up.
"Kels, you can play a base guitar. Jesus, tell me you can play a base" she said frantically as you nodded. "You know I can, where is this going ?" you asked suspiciously as she took a breath. "The band have a show tonight and Josh, of course, fucking Josh got the measles. Unbelievable. It couldn't have been just a head cold. I need a base player" she begged as you sighed. "I don't know Eds" you began as she rolled her eyes. "The venue is Devilles, come on, you love it there and you know all of our songs. I've seen you while we rehearsed, we've all said could give Josh a run for his money. You know I wouldn't ask" she went on as you just smiled at nodded. Eddi was over the moon, she ran into the kitchen, probably to tell her bandmates the good news and then Honey called her back.
"I'm working tonight, you know Chris plays base. Why didn't you ask him ?" she asked as you scoffed. "Because she didn't want a registered sex offender, she plays for teenagers" you said like it was obvious and Eddi and I burst into a fit of laughter. This was the new you, you weren't afraid to joke, make comments, you said what you felt and I loved it. "After a nasty remark like that, Chris won't be watching Cody tonight" she said through a shrug, like that was supposed to spite you but you just nodded. "Thank you for the offer but I wouldn't leave him with him if you paid me. I was taking him anyway" I loved this, my life was nothing but perfect, there was nothing you could do wrong in my eyes.
You spent most of the day picking an outfit and settled on a boho look, a long patterned dress with a slit on the leg and a floppy hat. You looked beautiful but that word didn't even apply to you anymore because you were so much more than that in my eyes. I wish there was a word stronger than that, a word that said you were more than beautiful because you were the exact definition of it. You laughed the whole way to the subway station with Cody sitting on your shoulders. You turned into a tour guide as you walked informing both of us about buildings, random streets and cake shops you had been to. You skipped and twirled and Cody loved it. He idolized you and I knew he was excited to watch you play. It was as if Max had just slipped out of his mind which I didn't expect because Max was his father but he clearly didn't see him as one. Sure, he still asked, but it wasn't the worried "when is he coming back", he asked now as if he didn't want him to.
You found Cody a seat and stood in front of him like a guard, the same way you did at your party, it gave you the security that no one could get to him. Kelsey, I couldn't say seeing that platform didn't sting a bit but only because that's where Beck and I really noticed each-other. I'm over it now, completely over it, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting. You were the happiest I've ever seen you, you danced with a drunk on the subway and you laughed, a genuine laugh, you were enjoying yourself and we hadn't even got there yet. You were a ray of sunshine, a ball of fun and all of these people saw it. Commuters, people ready to get drunk, people with their kids. All different types of people. You kissed me and talked a lot, you talked about Eddi's band, you were nervous but it was evident in your voice that you were excited, you picked Cody up at one stage and danced, there was no music but you still danced. You hadn't drank or taken anything, so I knew it was nothing to do with that, you were just happy, this was Kelsey-Jay Elliott in her element.
You showed Cody and I to your favourite table at Devilles, called Honey over, ordered Cody a hot chocolate and a blueberry muffin and me a jet black coffee. You asked us what we wanted on the subway because you were adamant to pay but before you could even sit down Eddi ushered you to a room at the back. From what you've told me, there were four in the band, Eddi, the singer, Dayshawn, the drummer, Josh, the base player and Prim, the backup vocalist. Except now you were filling Josh's place and from what Edie said, you were a million times better than Josh and he's admitted that a couple of times.
I trusted you completely now, there was absolutely no reason to monitor your phone anymore, you left your phone on the table and this gave me the perfect opportunity to delete everything I had put on it. That was until I saw your conversation with Reece. It was a lengthy text.
"How are holding up Kiddo ? Just off the phone with Justin. He can't get over Bianca, he really can't. Charlie had him though, isn't it so weird how he was able to clean up his act and slot back into our lives when we needed him ? They have each-other, they'll be okay. Yet another job interview was done today. Fingers crossed right ? I know you'll have everything you can cross crossed from me. You've always been my biggest supporter. Finally at a place where I feel okay again. Need to come to New York so soon though. It'll be nice to see my baby sister and be reminded of my roots"
It was your response that struck me.
"That's just Justin all over. He carries all three of our emotions so he's bound to feel it more. So happy for you though. Of course, everything is crossed. Please come, it'll be so good to see you though and you can meet my boyfriend or rather get to know him better. It's Joe. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. I know everyone will love him as much as I do because I really licked his ass in Chicago"
Now it was confirmed that that's what was happening and you were avoiding me to make sure what you felt was real. You said I was perfect, that I was helping with Cody and that I was even supporting you tonight. You felt the exact same way as me and I loved it. It was a struggle to get to where we are now but I knew that at the beginning and all of it has been worth it. I smiled at my phone for what felt like forever and just as the spyware was uninstalling. Then a text came true. "That weird feeling gone then ?. While Bianca was shit, she always told us to follow our guts. Think she may be right this time"
Before I could even investigate, Cody stood up and started clapping. He had chocolate muffin crumbs all over his shirt and a hot chocolate mustache but looked so proud of you. I looked up and your eyes instantly found us, you smiled and waved and blew a million kisses in our direction. That message was whizzing around my brain but I ignored it. I could tell you felt self aware, Eddi's band had a couple of fans who'd know Josh was missing and you didn't want to be booed off the stage. You put on the guitar, Eddi smiled at you and introduced you, people clapped for you and you smiled, it was an awkward smile and you did an equally awkward wave to go with it but it was adorable.
Cody and I watched as you closed your eyes, you were feeling the music, you started shaking your head at one stage and I never knew Eddi could sing that well, you put on a show, you switched to acoustic guitar near the end and that was the cherry on top of the cake. I said the first time I met you that I'd get rid of all all music if it meant that I could just listen to your voice and I still stand by that, but your guitar playing, it was unbeatable. I hadn't heard you play properly, I'd just seen videos on Max's phone and you had a look of severe concentration, you sang under your breath but you weren't enjoying it, not like you were right there, it was as if this was your calling.
The show finished late and you ran over to me instantly, Cody had fallen asleep long ago but he appreciated your music, he smiled like a Cheshire Cat every time you looked in our direction, which was a lot. You hugged me, asked if you were terrible and I couldn't agree, I told you you were phenomenal, better than the greatest but you instantly shook your head. "Don't offend Hendrix like that" you said as you took a deep breath and downed a glass of water. Your cheeks were bright red and you couldn't stop smiling. You enjoyed yourself and that was all that mattered. You took a seat and took Cody into your arms as he slept. "He loved it. He couldn't stop smiling" I said as you put your hand to your heart. "He's a great kid. If only Max saw it" you said while shaking your head as I took a breath. "Cody didn't talk about Max the way he talks about you" I said through a shrug, it was true and you knew it. We talked some more, just about what I thought, what Cody thought and then Eddi came over and took a seat.
"Kels, unbelievable. Really saved my ass. Wasn't she unbelievable Joe ?" she said, trying to catch her breath as I nodded. "Better than Hendrix" I joked as you swatted me. "That's bad luck, it's like breaking a mirror. You'll get really bad luck" you said dead seriously and I couldn't help but laughed. "You played in ways Josh couldn't" she said while raising her glass mug that contained an iced coffee. "To Kelsey. Again, you saved my ass tonight" she shouted, it was a toast I could get behind so I raised my mug. You were embarrassed, you didn't like to take credit for things, but for one night, you were just going to have to.
It got later and later and we all just talked and roared with laughter, the night was perfect. "Let's play never have I ever with a twist. Never had Kelsey ever. Ready ?" Eddi suggested with her hands clasped together as you shook your head. "This game gets messy" you said while tilting your head as Eddi paused for a second, trying to think. "Do you remember how Honey reacted the last time ?" you said like it was obvious as she scoffed while looking in the girls reaction. Honey was giving us all evils. Eddi's subtle dislike for Honey was relatable yet hilarious. This was a game I could get behind, Eddi seemed to be the closest friend you had, this could play out to my advantage. I nodded as you hid your face. "We're really playing this ?" you asked as she nodded. "Why can't we play a regular never have I ever" you asked as she laughed. "Do you think I'm going to expose myself to your boyfriend ?" she asked as you nodded before bursting into laughter, you enjoyed the game too, I knew you did.
"Okay so. Never has Kelsey ever kissed me, slept with Len or been arrested" she said as your face went bright red. "This is all stuff she's never done ?" I asked, I didn't understand the purpose of the game until your friend sighed. "It's basically two truths one lie. Kels has done and one thing she hasn't doesn't roll off the tongue as well. So come on Joe, which one hasn't she done" she asked as I thought.
Eddi's a lesbian so I knew if you kissed her, it would've meant more than an average girl kiss. However, she's not attracted to you and girls often kiss their friends while drunk so it was down to sleeping with Len and being arrested. Everyone's been arrested atleast once and I really couldn't see you sleeping with your ex boyfriends best friend but then I had to remember, you've known him since college. Still, it would've come up atleast once in conversation whether that be with you or when he was spilling all of his secrets. I had my answer.
"Um, I'll have to go with the Len one" I said with my arms folded, that was my final answer, you burst into a fit of laughter as Eddi slammed the table like a buzzer. "Errr errr" she shouted as I looked at you dumbfounded, you just kept laughing so I turned my attention back to Eddi. "She hasn't kissed me while drunk" she said through a nod as my jaw fell open. "You've been arrested ?" I asked as you nodded, your whole demeanour changed then. "During the uh, the carnival with Max. It was for questioning" you said sadly but quickly tried to move on. "Len though. Len had acne and glasses. He was way shorter than all of the other guys and he had a severe problem with getting girls. He was a virgin desperate to loose it, as was I. It happened" you said through a shrug like it was normal as I nodded. Both each-others firsts. More reason to hate him, those hugs obviously mean more but I learned more about you.
Eddi offered to take Cody back to the house, she said that you should go back to my apartment for a break since Honey and Chris were annoying and he had practically moved in. So we did, we bought red wine, got a blanket and went up to the roof, we drank it and for a split second I saw you looking intensely at what seemed to be the brightest star in the sky. You missed your family, you tried to hide that you were doing it but I noticed. I noticed a lot. I should've felt an overwhelming sense of happiness, I knew that but I kept thinking of Reece's text. "Hey, uh, what actually happened at the carnival that night ?" I asked, I didn't know if I wanted to know or if I wanted you to be upset, to feel what I felt reading the text.
"What ?" you asked innocently, still staring at the star. This was wrong to want you to experience but the Len thing and the text, god it infuriated me. "I want to know" I said brashly as you sighed and squeezed your eyes shut. "Now ?" you asked sadly as I nodded. "Now" I said, keeping the same brash tone. "Fuck. Alright then. Uh, we were together a year. Nona and Len were almost at a year. The carnival was in town, it was all we could afford to do. It was such a good day then I asked about Flo. I-I asked would she ever get between us-w-would she ever I don't know, take my place ? It was making him mad, I knew it was but I kept going. I made the dumb decision of asking did he love me more than he loved her. Petty, I know but I was young. He just grabbed my shoulders and next minute I knew I was hanging over the railings. I could hear the waves crashing and I thought, this is the end. He was screaming, I'm not sure what about now and then eventually, he realised people were staring because I was screaming, pulled me back up, brought me to the car, hit me a couple times for showing him up. We must've just gotten home, both of us were arrested. He got off, went to Arizona for six weeks. I was left traumatised and playing mom" you said honestly, I wrapped my arms around you.
How wrong was I to question you, to make you relive that. I was selfish, you could do no wrong in my eyes. I was no longer scared of falling in love, you made me feel capable of loving again at a time when I thought I couldn't and I just needed to keep reminding myself of it.