Her // Joe Goldberg (COMPLETED)

10

I've never felt so sick with worry until now Kelsey. I hadn't seen you in days, I was worried I'd scared you off after our conversation but then I saw you hadn't been on your phone either and it was starting to scare me. Brothers, parents and friends messages all wanting to know you were alright but all left unopened. I knew you were staying at Max's, desperately waiting for his return. I knew this because Honey and Eddi wouldn't be texting you if you were at home and your wailing voice mails were becoming unbearable to listen to. How can someone who caused you such a great deal of pain still be causing pain now that's he's out of your life ? Max was dead asleep when I was went to check on him, he was lightly snoring and I watched as his chest rose up and slowly dropped again. I opened the hatch and gifted him a Cesar salad to eat. The man hadn't eaten in days and in all honesty Kelsey, I didn't want to feed him but that's selfish of me and not thinking of you. You wouldn't want this for him therefore feeding him is the right thing to do.

I let my fingers dance across the glass, they were preforming for him, telling him dinner was served and I wanted him to take it as a warning. All Max Johnson did while trapped down here was bang at the glass, I was starting to hear it when he wasn't doing it and when I wasn't at the store, it's haunting Kelsey, I just can't get rid of the sound. Due to his larger than life ego, personality and anger issues, you've factored hearing repair into my accounts when the heater wasn't broken to begin with but of course, you'd never know this. He woke up abruptly and just stared at the meal left for him like a zoo animal, it was amazing to watch. For once, he was the one under surveillance, he was the one questioning ever move made. "Not hungry ?" I asked through a smug smirk before reaching to take it away but he let out a loud pantomime sigh. "I don't trust you" he said honestly, he was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his torture chamber, he'd grabbed the plastic container and was now inspecting it. This felt like an experiment, I felt like a  mad scientist just waiting for him to crack, waiting for him to do anything so I could report it.

"I'm not expecting you too. I just thought you'd be hungry, you've been here awhile" I said with my hands up, I had to show him I meant no harm. I'm not a bad guy Kelsey, just an average guy. An average guy who works in an average bookstore but has no problem doing bad things to bad people but you can't blame me for that. Am I just expected to let bad people run around and keep destroying the people around them ? I turned my head for a second, a split second, I didn't want to stare at him while he ate, that would be awkward, some might even say creepy but all I could hear was a deep menacing laugh that I think will haunt me until the day I die. It sounded almost psychotic, like he found genuine amusement in whatever was so hilarious. What could possibly be so funny about a salad ?

He was looking at me, smirking and cackling to himself, the palm of his hand was scattered with tiny red pellets. "Rat poison" he spat through yer another laugh. "You think I'm that stupid ? What did you think I'd think these were ? Spices ? I work in fitness" he asked and all I could do was sigh. "It has been said, you are what you eat" I joked, this was definitely not the time nor place for joking and I knew because his whole face went dead still. "You want me dead ? That's your plan ?" he asked, it sounded genuine but I just stayed silent. I was under no obligation to answer or engage with stupid people. "My Kelsey will grieve. You do realise that right ? She won't run into your arms the second I'm gone" he began as I shook my head. "She won't know" I whispered through a shrug. I did not mean to say that but this man is irritating, he's an asshole and that's one of the kinder ways to describe him. He was stroking his chin and staring directly at me, he was analysing. Do you know what it's like to have a sociopath watch you ? Stare dead into you soul ?. "You'll fake my disappearance ?" he said but I refused to rise to him Kelsey. I know exactly what this man is like, I've seen what he can do.

He sat there analysing me for ten more minutes and I saw him, for who he actually was. His hair was flat, he was as white as a sheet and beyond tired, the bags under his eyes told me a million stories. This wasn't the Max Johnson you knew. He stood up, paced around in circles whispering to himself for what felt like forever, then banged at the glass for two more hours l, he called me every name he could think of and then he just stopped. He picked up his salad, threw it at the glass and then took his seat back on the floor. For a second, it looked like he was about to cry.

"Fuck it, fuck it, fuck this" he whispered under his breath, his voice was breaking, he was going to cry so he rubbed his temples and lied back on his makeshift bed. "Kelsey-Jay. KJ. You hated when I called you that, absolutely fucking hated it but I still did it. I was like that with you, I just didn't know when to stop. An absolutely fucking beautiful soul that I didn't appreciate while I had, this creep obviously thinks so or I wouldn't be down here. We'd be in my apartment watching movies with our son, the way a family, well, a makeshift family should be. Y'know, I thank whatever the fucks out there for Eddi because I wouldn't have met you otherwise. If she didn't come up to me at Insanity about a fourth person to live at the house, would I even know you ? The shit broke cute blonde from Chicago just trying to make her way as an accountant in the big Apple. Something was always just right between us. First date, the carnival, that's how I knew you had a good arm, I've never felt so emasculated until you won all those huge stuffed animals for yourself, you gave me all of them for Cody, of course you did, the most selfless diamond to grace the earth. You met the little guy maybe too quickly after that but nobody could settle into being a stepmom at twenty-two the way you did. Couples fight, they do, it's normal but it's KJ and Max, when have we ever been normal ?. I got violent and I don't think I'll ever stop apologising or forgive myself for that. That fucking carnival the year after still haunts me as much as I know it haunts you. Those red and blue lights, getting hauled into the back of a cop car, Len begging for my bail, I had to leave and I know, I should never have burdened you with a kid that isn't yours but KJ, it's permanent this time. Way out of my control Bubs"

Was this the Max you saw ? I severely doubted it but he seemed to be opening up, he was talking to you but you weren't here and there were streaks of tears spilling down his cheeks. He kept whispering the words "I love you" over and over and over again then he composed himself and sat up. "I'll fight you for her" he said bluntly while standing up, he didn't have the strength to, I knew that but he was motioning for me to come over. "It's an easy win for you. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm about to loose everything, just hit me and make it all hurt physically so it doesn't keep playing up here. I cant fucking deal with it" he roared, there was desperation in his eyes. I found myself just opening it, he couldn't do anything, he was too weak, the door was half open, I stood in the gap with my arms folded. I wanted him to think I would, I wanted to be seen as equal to him then, he should fear me instead of the other way round. "I'll come to you" he whispered defeated, he walked slow, he was anticipating pain.

"Max don't do this to yours-" I began but he punched me right into the nose. He's strong, it sent me flying backwards. It took me a couple of seconds to register what happened as he marched out of his prison. He was ready to escape so I grabbed the butcher knife on the table, he was too full of adrenaline to see it. "I think the both of us know, you won't use that. Anyway, enjoy cumming to Shakespeare or whatever the fuck you do down here. I'm off to find Kelsey, go to the cops and be ridden of you. You'll never see her again" he taunted. He was underestimating me Kelsey, I didn't like it. He was howling with laughter and as he turned to walk away, I lost it. I snapped.

I connected the knife to his neck with one loud chop. "What the fuck" he questioned, he'd not realised what had happened but the blood splattered everywhere gave him a clue. He turned to look at me and I connected it again and again and again then I shoved him into the cage and I left him there. He put you through hell and back, he didn't deserve a quick and easy death. He spoke about you to gain the sympathy vote, he didn't mean any of it. I refused to believe it.

Kelsey, sometimes we do bad things for the people we love, we make sacrifices. It doesn't mean it's right it means love is more important. But this time, I had no problem doing it. Max Johnson is a bad person and I have no problem doing bad things to bad people.