Mi rayo del sol
Decision is one of the heaviest responsibility in life. As everything demands options, options require decision-making. And in decision-making lies an unseen path with multiple options of those shadows of uncertainties. As here lies the process and process will always--always a tough journey to cross.
"Thank you, Airess. For everything." a mellow voice uttered, with a solemn Christmas music filled the background. I heaved a deep sigh and cuddled myself more on the coldness of the night. I look at Cassiopeia Elizalde for a moment before turning my eyes back on what we have been staring for almost an hour now.
We are both in the middle of the crowd, wearing our winter jackets above our 5 layer inner in this cold weather, staring directly at the famous Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree of New York City.
"Anything for the Queen." I uttered, chilly smoke coming out on my breath.
We stayed still for a moment in silence amidst the noisy chattering of the surrounding, when suddenly, she broke the ice. "Why?"
"Why what?" asking, I held on to my pockets tighter. Admiring the white winter theme of the Christmas tree decorations, remembering myself on last year's Christmas, standing on the same ground, staring at the same tree but different decorations. I've been spending my past years of Christmas in this place since the day I met Cassiopeia in this same place.
It was a year after my departure in the Philippines when I happen to be in New York for a mission in the Christmas Eve when I stop by in the Time Square to walk around and kill time after an exhausting day. Sa paglalakad-lakad ko ay umabot ako sa kung nasaan ang Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, and there standing stupidly in front of the huge Christmas tree like a statue, is a girl wearing an expensive white faux fur coat and a black knee length boots. I can still remember her sorrowful eyes, staring like a bruised puppy at the Christmas lights. But not like before, I saw the change in her.
Cassiopeia used to have those innocent eyes that reflects the purity in her soul, after that night, the bright light from the Christmas tree wasn't enough to open a glimpse of light in her eyes. Her eyes screams sorrow, hate and pain. The light that was once in her eyes was darken by those emotions. And even until now, years later, time wasn't in her favor. Time didn't heal her pain, it left a scar to her that will always haunt her till now.
"Why did you let him go? I know you still love him and he loves you as endless as the sky." she said, glancing at me with tone of teasing but the eyes of envy. I raised my eyebrows at her when I first noticed the fact that she was almost looking down at me. This bitch is getting taller each year especially with those high heels in her slick boots she has been using ever since she has been living in New York like a freaking top model. Bakit nga ba hindi nalang niya gnawing career ang pagmomo-modelo total ay may laban naman siya.
I look away, glancing back at the tree as I whisper back the words that I have been telling myself for years. "Sometimes, love is just not enough, you know. Most of the time, love can be an enough reason and drive for a person to let go, don't you think?" I asked, smiling. I glance back at her in my side. She immediately look away, taken a back by what I said. Sandaling namungay ang kaniyang mata at napatulala muli sa harapan. It breaks my heart to see how she changed so much. Pain really changes people.
"You know, may anak siya pero no wifey." she choke out. Muntik ko na siyang sapakin dahil heto na naman siyang gaga siya, buti nalang ay napigilan ko ang sarili at mas minabuting mapairap nalang sa hangin.
This bitch.
"Gaga. Pakialam ko dun. Malay mo maraming pang panganay ang playboy na iyon. " sagot ko ng pabalang. Cassiopeia laugh and the next few minutes again was spent in silence. My timid laugh slowly vanish until it became a contented smile, remembering Von Khenry Montejar, the playboy city boy from Milestone University who shot me the cupids arrow.
Von Khenry Montejar is now already a father of a baby girl. Within those years of separation and my constant contact with this crazy Elizalde, I have come to hear news about him sometimes. Kahit na inabandona na ng pamilya ang Cassiopeia na ito, may mga taong hindi pa rin naman siya iniwan dahil sa kagagahan niya noon at hanggang ngayon. Von, the notorious playboy, just happened to get a taste of his own medicine. Nagkaroon siya ng anak sa isa sa mga babaeng naikama niya noong mga unang taon niya sa kolehiyo. It was way before he even met me. Ang playboy na gago, binagsakan ng anak isang araw sa mansyon ng mga Montejar nang mamatay ang Ina ng bata. The child was almost 3 years old by that time and the brute, thankfully with a miracle, accepted and loved the child immediately. And then... the rest is history, or at least that was the end of what I opt to know about him.
"Uuwi ka na ng Pilipinas?" Cassiopeia casually asked after a few other subjects and jokes she said. I look at her, making sure there was no pity shown on it as she look back. She smiled a bitter one.
"Yeah..." mahinang sagot ko sa kaniya. "I'm kinda hoping this is for good though. Ang lamig kaya ng America, bwesit."biro ko. Hindi lang naman ako sa America namamalagi dahil pumupunta rin naman ako sa Europe. Minsan, depende kung saan ako dinidistino sa mga misyon na binibigay ng Familia. I was on my own in every mission, part of my punishment.
But basically I can go anywhere, just not in the Philippines or anywhere near it. Minsan kung giniginaw na talaga ay namamalagi ako sa Miami. But I always find myself back here in New York. Ayoko man aminin pero dahil iyon sa nandito ang lukarit na si Cassiopeia Elizalde. I wasn't allowed to go near any of the 3 families sons and daughters but like Cassiopeia said, parang itinakwil na siya ng sariling mga magulang kaya exception na daw siya sa truce na iyon.
Although I hate to admit this but she was somehow close to... home.
"I wish I can go home too." she trailed off, whispering more to herself. Naka tanaw sa malaking Christmas Tress ng New York Times Square at puno ng lungkot pa rin ang mata sa kabila ng pagpapanggap na maayos siya.
I wonder how things could have been now if the decisions and actions we did in the past was far different from what we took? Sometimes I thought if only we took another path, then maybe,just maybe, the consequences we are facing right now could have been different. I wonder what could I have been doing at this exact moment if only I took a different path before.
Sometimes, in moments like this, I imagine myself seating in the living room's floor. Eating whatever food Damon ordered. Hearing Tinashee and Hades banters, Perse's endless complains and... looking back at Azrael's eyes full of life and happiness in the midst of everyone's chortles.
Clutching my chest, sometimes I still pray to bring back time, to hope for everything to be just a mere dream. Alam mo iyon? Yung ilang taon na ang lumipas pero yung sakit ay parang kanina lang nangyare lahat.
Have you ever just sit still and come across the thought of someone who died but everything just still feel so... unreal. Like time had passed by and for a moment, you still can't believe that we can no longer hear their voice and hugged them like how we used to do.
Bakit...ganun? Ang sakit-sakit isipin na parang kanina lang ay naririnig mo pa yung boses niya tapos ngayon... lumipas man ang panahon, ang hirap pa rin tanggapin na mananatili nalang sa alaala mo ang lahat ng yun.
"We're really glad you're back, Vixen." I was watching the vastness of the ocean beneath me when I heard a familiar baritone voice from behind. Nanatili akong nakatingin sa mala-dyamanteng repleksyon ng karagatan dahil sa sinag ng papatagong araw.
Silence filled the solemnity of afternoon light. I can feel the presence of the 4 people I have been wanting to see for years.
"Walang iwanan, Airess. Walang iwanan, diba? I' m sure A will say the same too." Hades said out loud. Huni ng ibon ang biglang nagpatingala sa akin. Dark clouds are threatening to take over the whole sky.
Walang iwanan... pero bakit nawalan tayo ng isa? I wanted to add up. Instead I look behind them for a moment and smiled before looking back at the vastness of the ocean.
"Walang iwanan." I whispered back.
Tama. Kahit lumipas na ang ilang taon, kahit na tinanggap na ng lahat ang pagkamatay ng isa na naman sa Trés Angelus. I will always... always hope, for the day to still see him alive. A of Trés Angelus of the Familia may be dead, but David Azrael is not, I will keep on hoping for it.
And that maybe, the ocean didn't swallow him in the depth of its sea, but have the wind carry him with the waves, and be blown somewhere in a dry land.
Kahit nasa Bermuda Triangle ka, hahanapin kita, A. Hanggat walang nakikitang bangkay mo, hindi mawawala ang pag-asa ko.
"Let's go." I told the group. I glance at Hades who was near the cliff too. He looks at me as he puff one last on his cigarette before throwing it on the ocean below us.
I then, look at the white flower in my hand before throwing it on the cliff too. The other did the same too and went to the side of the cliff beside me.
The flowers isn't for you, Azrael. This is for the ocean and for the wind, bribing them to bring us back our dearest friend, my Azrael.
"We are really glad you are back, Airess Zhail." Perse patted me on the back. I look at her before turning my eyes at Tinashee who was holding as both on our shoulders now. Damon was on the other side, looking straight ahead at the ocean, as if uttering his prayers in the wind.
She was almost at the verge of crying but held back as she smiled, "You coming back is like a ray of hope for us." she said.
"Thank you for not giving up, Hangin."
"I've ready the boat, it's good to go. The yatch will halt in the other island near while we wait for you, okay? Be careful, the rains about to drop." bulong ni Hades. I look at him and he gave me a warm smile.
"I'll be back at night." ani ko nang makitang nakasakay na sina Tinashee at Perse sa likuran ng sasakyan habang nasa hamba ng pintuan sa driver's seat si Damon. He nodded at me before entering the car. I look at Hades on my side. Bahagya niyang ginulo ang buhok ko before he patted it lightly.
"Thank you for coming back." he uttered in a low voice before turning back. Tinignan ko ang kanilang papalayong sasakyan sa bangin. My white Raptor was parked not just far from where I am. I stared on that and memories in that same spot flashes in my eyes. The scorching flame from the car and the explosion of its machine that night, and I look at the ground just near where I was standing. The exact spot where I was thrown and dropped, staring almost lifeless at the fire that tragic night.
I heaved a deep sigh and force my self to look away. Shaking off that agonizing feeling again. I look at the harsh waves of the ocean underneath the cliff for a second. Pikit matang napatingala muli ako sa langit nang magbadya ang mga luha sa aking mga mata sa bigla nalang sumagi sa isip ko ang nakangiting mukha ni Azrael at Von, ilang taon na ang nakakalipas. The resemblance of their playful smile and their eyes.
Minsan tuwing binabangungot ako sa pagkamatay ni Azrael ay bigla ko nalang naaalala ang nakangiting mukha ni Von. And most of the time, it somehow eases the pain and sorrow I always feel. It was like a reflex to me. My memory with Von somehow help me get through the painful fact of waking up.
The mere thought of Von, the playboy who caught my heart, somehow gave me hope. Hope that one day, I wanted to see him happy and loved. Hope that maybe, this was my fair share of sacrifice for being too selfish with Azrael.
Azrael didn't get to have his love because of me but still died for me, now, I wanted to take my own punishment to myself by accepting the fact that I am in love with Von Khenry Montejar. But, I can never be with that love. Being away from him, made me realize the pain Azrael and Airess Dale has been enduring all those years.
But thinking about Von, the pain of not being with him is clouded with the overwhelming feeling of peace that I... am still loved, no matter how much a sinner I am.
And for now, that is enough. It was enough. Enough for me to realize a lot of things in life.
I had done bad things. It was always 'to kill to protect' and nothing more. Growing up with that kind of mindset, falling in love has never cross my mind. Never in my wildest nightmare. If I were told 5 years ago about meeting someone and falling so deep I'd rather sank, I'd put a bullet straight on their head.
To kill is to protect was my life's purpose. It became my purpose.
But then, I never thought that by not killing... I was able to protect. And to my surprise, protect not only the family's legacy and oath but also to the one who changed the season for me. The one who tamed the tropical cyclone in me.
He became my sunshine.
I am Airess Zhail Rosell, a living hurricane who happens to wander to the darkness of the world to bring chaos to everyone who gets on my way.
Luckily, I found my way out of that hurricane because at some chapters of my journey, I found that sunshine of my lonely storm. I found that sunshine. I found Von Khenry Montejar, the notorious playboy who bravely step in front of my way and saved me.
He will always be my Mi rayo del sol. My Von Khenry Montejar. Finally, I was saved.
And now, I have to let him go, not because I no longer love him, but because I do. More than the sun and moon combine.
If you were asking what was my share of sacrifice at the expense of what I did before? It is the punishment of .... never being able to be with the one I love... not in this lifetime. Never with this kind of life.
So until then... My sunshine.
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Epilogue will be next!