It had been almost a week since the incident, and I had made much improvement. My leg was healing as it should, and the bruises had started to turn yellow and fade across my body. I still hadn't seen Kylo but assumed at this point that he was done with me after he got what he wanted.
In all honestly, I could have gone out and about with the brace now well fitted around my leg, but I was afraid. I knew I was a coward, but it was becoming easier and easier to reason with myself that there was little I could do with the current situation anyhow.
My advisors however would certainly disagree with that.
In their eyes, there were still many expectations of me. I knew deep down that the people were concerned for me and were being left with no answers. No word on why I wouldn't come out, or what was going on. Despite my reluctance, I would need to see my people to maintain appearances, so we needed to create a plan.
I had assumed my brace could be easily hidden with a long cape and thick dress if I did need to go out but had yet to try. I was almost embarrassed by the way things had happened.
Perhaps it was embarrassment over our relations, or more so the revelations I was forced to confront. The fact that I was still consumed with the idea of being with Kylo again but equally knew how broken I laid because of him.
I had managed to get out of my bed all by myself without my brace after a week, which was a small victory indeed. I figured soon enough I'd be able to make my appearance in the city.
I had my handmaids come in early and fix my bedding as well as help me with my tangled hair. Iylin had spent extra time this morning making it stick straight before sleeking it back into a uniform ponytail before I lied back down.
Vera gave a small knock at my door before entering.
"Good afternoon, Your Grace! Tell me, how're you feeling?"
"I'm doing okay, thank you for that enthusiasm," I said with a laugh, enamored by her upbeat personality. She was trying her best to bring me some type of joy while locked away in here and I was grateful for it.
"Well, I brought your data pad. The outer rim of the planet seems to now have stormtroopers stationed throughout to make sure no ships get in."
"Why does that not surprise me. Anything else?" I said with a sigh.
"Yes, but you won't like it."
She bit her lip as she tugged at the hem of her dress anxiously. It appeared that she had been wrestling with telling me for quite some time.
"So... Kylo Ren has been trying to make contact with us during your um, healing? And General Brayer keeps refusing it."
What?
I was flabbergasted at first, but then furious. He had been trying to see me this whole time?
And here I thought he had slept with me and then he didn't care enough to see me again, he had got what he wanted.
That sick feeling I'd had in my stomach the whole time, knowing he gave up on anything we could've had could have been prevented. I was pissed.
"Why did no one tell me this sooner?"
"General Brayer asked us not to, he didn't want to upset you, Your Grace."
"Get him to my room now."
She said nothing and quickly hushed the remaining handmaids out of my room. I could not believe how angry I was. The feeling of rejection was one I had deemed inevitable from Kylo, but this changed things.
There was hope for us.
Atlas entered the room confused, assuming Vera had warned him before he came in how angry I was.
"Hey, is something wrong?" he asked coyly as he hovered by my door.
"Is something wrong? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you realize what you've done Atlas?" I yelled.
"Uh... no? What are you talking about?"
So, he was going to play stupid. Not cute.
"Vera just told me that you've been refusing Kylo Ren at our entrance, and you've been making everyone keep it a big secret from me."
"Yes? What's wrong with that? I mean besides keeping it a secret which I was only doing to keep you calm while you healed."
"I want to see him, Atlas! That's what's wrong! I've been waiting here for days wanting to see him for fuck's sake!"
"I don't understand. Why would you want to see him? I think it's common sense to keep him out of the castle, Your Grace."
"You don't decide that Atlas. It doesn't matter why I want to see him."
He scoffed, offended that I wouldn't tell him why.
"I think it does! My job is to ensure everyone's safety and you want a murderer in our castle? What has gotten into you? You do realize he almost killed you twice, right? Or is it three times now?"
"Mind your fucking business Atlas, okay? Is that spelling it out clear enough for you?"
He took a step back, not only surprised at my language but upset that I was acting this way toward him.
"Look I don't know what he's done to brainwash you or convince you of, but you have a planet to lead. Are you forgetting that they held you prisoner and beat you? Or that Ren himself literally choked you and has bruised your entire body?"
"I never said that, stop putting words in my mouth."
"Well, it sure seems like you've forgotten but we haven't. This entire planet wants him dead. Once Colonel Akana has enough troops ready, we'll take care of things. You have a job to do and so do I."
Before walking out the door he turned back to give me the last final blow.
"Don't let yourself get attached. Look at yourself in the mirror. Then try and tell me again as to why I should let him in."
I couldn't deny what he was saying, everything he was throwing in my face was just the facts. But things somehow still felt different for me. When I was with him, things were so different. Why couldn't the world see that?
I guess that was a consequence of being with a man like him who had a reputation to uphold. The only type of kindness or openness he would show would be in private or it would be none at all, end of story. I should be grateful I got what I did honestly.
But the arguing with Atlas had to stop. I knew that fight was stemming from how much he cared about me but there was always something more from him. If I was being honest, I knew in my heart that he cared for me immensely and my injuries were overriding his logical side, making him be so outspoken.
The feelings however were not mutual.
I let out a huff of annoyance and pulled the sheets over my head. I hated fighting with anyone. I was no good at confrontation.
Grumbling angrily to myself, I kicked off all the covers. Wrapped up in my own thoughts, I realized now that there was an overwhelming darkness, thick and pervasive as it waited outside my door.
Of course, he had to be here now after all my groveling over him. I had been feeling his presence outside the whole time and hadn't been acknowledging how it was lingering, waiting for every word I spoke inside my mind.
Or how he listened to every painful part of that fight and my analysis of Atlas' feelings for me... and my feelings for him.
He somehow had found the restraint not to come inside and I was pleasantly surprised at his self-control. I assumed he'd finally managed to get inside the castle with Atlas called away.
"You can come in you know," I finally said in a matter-of-fact tone, knowing he was just outside the door.
Kylo entered right after, mask in hand and an expression on his face that I'd never seen before. Perhaps it was sadness or hurt? Maybe even fear?
I then realized it was a mix of all three.
He slowly walked over to my bedside, eyes tracing my body as I was wearing less constricting and comfortable clothing. My injuries were on full display.
As he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. He was literally at a loss of words, looking at my bruises.
"Did... did I do this to you?" he whispered, chin trembling as he already knew the truth.
"Yes, but it was an accident. I know you didn't mean to—" I said quickly, trying to ensure to him that I was okay, and I knew it wasn't his intention.
"No. I did this to you, I—I don't—"
His words trailed off as he grappled with his emotions, fearing tears would soon follow if he allowed himself to succumb to their requests. I could see the conflict inside him, eating away every minute.
I finally understood.
He was broken.
Really, really broken. That fear and conflict and sadness and hurt, it all was contributing to this never-ending pain I saw in Kylo. The man was truly broken.
He was standing in front of me, a shell of a man, with his heart in his hands. It didn't matter to me what was showing on his exterior because I could feel what was happening inside. This battle inside of him, constantly nagging him every waking moment. He was suffering.
It was finally starting to make sense as to how he could've hurt me so carelessly before and was now at war with himself for bruising me again. His emotions had grown for me and in its place were feelings, true feelings for a woman.
His eyes were like pools of honey as they remained glued to every bruise he left on me, from my neck down. When his eyes moved to my leg, he halted himself. He swallowed roughly and his eyebrows furrowed in anger.
"It was Phasma," I answered, knowing what he must've been thinking.
That fiery pit of rage was growing inside him yet again and I caught a pattern in him.
Every time his emotions started to overwhelm him, he flipped the switch and let it turn to anger. Even if there's nothing to be mad about, he'd rather have an excuse to be furious and destroy things than handle what he's feeling.
"I know, I already took care of it. I just didn't know it was this bad."
"Okay, what does that mean? You know what, don't even try to explain—"
"I killed her."
My mouth gaped open at his confession. The words flowed out so easily like he didn't have a second thought about what he did. He actually killed Phasma because of what she did to me?
"Yes, I did."
"Kylo, you don't just kill someone for hurting me," I said distraught, trying to explain the thoughts swirling in my head as I attempted to come to terms with his actions.
"She hurt you," he responded plainly, as if the answer was so clear and obvious to him. "Because you were on the ship after I brought you there. It was my fault."
His face was solemn as he stood there towering over me. This fine line of how he cared for me was something so complex. It was a complete gray area, an anomaly of his life. He knew he had hurt me himself, actually near killed me that one time. Yet the thought of her being the one to do it this time around suddenly stirred him up. If I was confused, I knew he had to be too.
"Well, you don't have to take responsibility for that. I wanted to be there, with you."
His eyes flickered to mine, and I saw a different, softer look to them. We just sat in silence, the tension in the air abundant. I knew that there had to be a hundred different thoughts paining his psyche and I didn't know how to help.
"Do you want to stay?" I eventually asked, seeing that his vulnerable side was making an appearance. I wanted him to say yes so badly, I was craving just being close to him again.
He said nothing and dropped his mask on the ground. He was in all of his ridiculous black clothing and cape and cowl, but it didn't matter. The second he climbed in the bed; I was quick to press my body to his. I needed his warmth and stability desperately. He was beyond uncomfortable in this situation, him in someone else's bed, but slowly, very slowly, he was relaxing into it.
I snuggled closer into his body until I found the perfect position and sighed contently. My pain medication made me sleepy, and I had yet to rest again with him and Atlas' commotion.
Kylo kissed my forehead the gentlest I'd ever seen him, as if he feared I would break. He let his arm wrap around my waist and stroked my face softly with his other hand. I doubted that he would fall asleep, but I could tell he was satisfied and fulfilled just having me in his arms.
He was so vulnerable.
So sad, so broken.
But every single step he made was an improvement. I knew he was trying now, really trying to figure out whatever we were and deal with his feelings surrounding it. But I was okay with that. If he was putting in the effort, then that's all that mattered to me.
I was finally at peace as I went to sleep in his arms.