CHAPTER 49 — It's All Up To You
My hands started shaking as I face Shayne who also cannot look straight in my eyes. Kaya naman nagawa kong mas pagmasdan ang features ng kaniyang mukha.
From the way she looks, I could already tell how nice and kind she is. She looks lovely in that little black dress that she's wearing. I couldn't deny the fact that she's also very pretty.
Halos magkasing tangkad kaming dalawa. Her flowy hair made her appearance even more pleasant and it really fit the shape of her face. She has little makeup on but it still looks natural. Hindi na ako magkakataka kung magkagusto man si Conrad sa kaniya. Her physical appearance is enough for a guy to notice her. I wonder about her personality.
The thought made me remember what Lorenzo said about her. He admitted that she's nice but shy. He didn't say anything bad about her except for her being not friendly to the people she doesn't know.
Para sa akin ay hindi naman masama iyon. Being shy doesn't tell a person's total personality. Sometimes, they just don't know how to socialize with other people and because of that fact, some people think that they are just conceited. But for sure, when she gets to know someone, she'll be a good friend to them.
Nakakatawang isipin na magaganda ang mga bagay na iniisip ko tungkol sa babaeng kaharap ko ngayon. The truth is, I wanted to think that she's not good enough to be with Conrad. I wanted to prove that I am better than her. But who am I to judge? I don't even know her. Conrad might not love her but that one fact leads me to the idea that I should not be rude to her. Kahit na sa isip man lang ay hindi ko siya maaaring laitin o awayin.
She didn't do anything wrong. We loved the same person but that doesn't conclude that she's a bad person and that I should hate her. Hindi naman mali ang magmahal. Lalo na kung si Conrad ang minahal niya. Wala namang namamagitan sa amin ni Conrad nang maging sila. Yes, promises were made between us but that's not enough. Ako nga itong naunang hindi tumupad sa pangako. Bakit ako aasang tutuparin din ni Conrad ang kaniya?
Hindi ko na nasundan kung gaano kami katagal nakatayo roon. No one was moving. I continued staring at Shayne while her eyes cannot decide who to look at. Conrad's beside me and he's also quiet. He might be struggling and he doesn't know what to do.
Pero sa huli, siya pa rin ang naunang kumilos mula sa pagkakaestatwa niya. He held my hand and pulled me towards the front door of his car.
Kitang kita ko ang panlulumo sa mga mata ni Shayne nang ang kamay ko ang kinuha ni Conrad.
Hindi alam ni Shayne na pinapanood ko siya hanang sinusundan niya ng tingin ang mga kamay naming magkahawak. It was the only reason why I refused to go along with what Conrad wants to happen.
Binalingan ako ni Conrad nang bumitaw ako sa kaniya. I could see that he's worried. There's also fear and I couldn't think of any other reason behind it but the truth that this is really difficult for the two of us. And my mind was also flooded with the idea that it might be ten times more difficult for the girl that is with us.
Iniwasan ko ang kaniyang tingin at piniling buksan ang pinto sa likod ng sasakyan.
"Elaine..." usad niyang hindi ko na pinansin dahil nakasakay na ako sa likod.
He stood outside the car for a moment until he opened the door for Shayne.
Sobrang sikip sa dibdib habang pinapanood ko silang dalawa. Watching Shayne's lips forming into a smile broke my soul into tiny pieces. Hindi na nga ako sigurado kung humihinga pa ba ako habang pinagmamasdan ang babaeng nakatitig sa lalaking mahal ko.
She's looking at him like she's the only person here. There was admiration and happiness in her eyes and above all was her love for the man I also love.
Alam na alam ko ang ibig sabihin ng mga tingin niya dahil ganoon din ako kay Conrad noon. Si Conrad lang ang tanging lalaking pinagmasdan ko katulad ng ginagawa ni Shayne.
Tila may nakatahing sinulid sa aking bibig nang lahat kami ay nasa loob na ng sasakyan. I wanted to know where we're going but I couldn't speak. No one tried to speak, actually.
Kitang kita ko mula sa likod ang paninigas ng kamay ni Conrad na nasa manibela habang habang si Shayne ay mistulang nanlalambot. Ako, natunaw na yata ako dahil sa poot na nararamdaman ko sa sitwasyong ito.
Sa mga segundong iyon ay naalala ko ang paghaharap namin ni Conrad maraming taon na ang nakalipas. That day, he made sure that there's no one else. There's no other girl than me. I confronted him about the pictures and he told me that it was nothing. He promised me.
Now, it hurts because the girl he said that was not involved with him was beside him. And she's his girlfriend.
Kung hindi ako umalis noon, ano kayang mangyayari?
My family might be ruined by now, I imagined. I would be living with my father and I would continue hating him for what he did to our family. While mom would be in another country, mourning for what she lost. Our family wouldn't be the same again. I might have become a girl who's full of hatred. At hindi ako magiging kung sino ako ngayon.
As for Conrad, would I continue loving him despite of the hatred in my heart? Maaaring hindi ko na kayaning magmahal dahil sa masamang karanasan ko rito. My father would choose another woman and that would lead me to the idea that no man will deserve my love. Baka roon humantong ang lahat kung hindi ako umalis.
Pero sino bang nakaalam ng mga maaaring mangyari? Those were just my imaginations.
But do I regret leaving? No, because it was for my family. At the back of my mind, I might feel sorry because I left but in the end, if I would be given the chance to go back, I would still choose to leave. Pamilya ko ang nakasalalay sa pag-alis ko. At dahil sa pag-alis kong iyon, nabuong muli ang aming pamilya. We are happier now and we love each other so dearly. Kaya bakit ako magsisisi?
Kung mayroon man akong pinagsisisihan dito, iyon ay 'yong para akong bulang naglaho sa mga buhay nila. Oo, umalis ako pero sana ay hindi ko na lang pinutol ang koneksyong mayroon ako rito sa Pilipinas. If that was the case, nandito kaya kami sa sitwasyong ito?
Sa isang mamahaling restaurant kami dinala ni Conrad.
Malungkot akong nakamasid sa labas habang pinaparada niya ang sasakyan sa labas nito. Nang tumigil ang makina ng sasakyan ay hindi na ako naghintay pa at lumabas na.
Conrad watched me as I get out of his car. Natanaw ko pa ang paghinga niya nang malalim bago umikot patungo kay Shayne at pagbuksan ito. It was painful to my eyes so I decided to look somewhere else.
Ang restaurant na napili ni Conrad ay hindi pamilyar sa akin. Mukhang masarap ang pagkain ngunit wala akong gana. Matabang ang panlasa ko at nanunuyot na ang lalamunan ko dahil sa pagpipigil na umiyak.
Pagkatapos makalabas ni Shayne ay naglakad patungo sa akin si Conrad. Just like earlier, I saw Shayne watching Conrad with sad eyes.
Akmang kukunin ni Conrad ang kamay ko ngunit iniwas ko iyon sa kaniya. Namungay ang mga mata niya sa akin at blangko ko naman siyang tinitigan. Yumuko siya at lumayo nang kaunti habang ako naman ay nauna nang maglakad papasok ng restaurant.
Conrad was the one who talked to the waitress that approaced us. He asked for a table for three and the waitress lead us to a table by the window.
I went to the chair near the window while Shayne sat in front of me. Conrad chose to sit beside me and it didn't help with the awkwardness that I feel around us.
Nang nakaupo na kaming lahat ay tumikhim si Conrad. "Let's order first," rinig ko ang pag-aalangan sa tono niya ngunit nagawa niyang labanan iyon.
Shayne smiled and asked for her favorite. "I want my usual order, Conrad," she sweetly said to him while looking intently at him.
Sa sinabi niyang iyon ay humantong ako sa kahulugan na madalas sila sa restaurant na ito. Mayroon pa bang dadagdag sa bigat na nararamdaman ko?
"Okay, how about you, Elaine?" he turned to me and asked softly while his eyes were locked on mine.
Ipinagsawalang bahala ko ang paninitig ni Conrad sa akin. Tiningnan ko ang menu at sinubukang mamili roon. Kahit na maraming nakasulat doon ay tila wala akong maintindihan dahil wala sa katinuan ang utak ko. There's the main menu, some dishes that I'm not familiar with and dessert.
Nang hindi makapagdesisyon ay nilapitan pa ako ni Conrad. Nakahilig na siya sa akin habang siya na mismo ang naglipat ng page para sa akin. Huminto siya sa pahina ng mga cakes and pastries.
"Do you like me to order cheesecake for you?" he asked while pointing at the image of cheesecake on the menu.
My eyes averted from the menu to him. Nangunot ang aking noo. How could he act that way when we are with his girlfriend?
"Anything will do," kaswal kong sagot at sinara na ang menu. Sa bigat nang nakapasan sa dibdib ko, kahit na magbasa ay hindi ko magawa. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang mamili para sa akin.
He ordered our food. Conrad also asked for his own cheesecake and drinks of all of us. It was my favorite but I didn't know that he also liked it. Shayne ordered her 'usual' order whenever they go here together.
Pinagsalikop ko ang mga kamay ko sa ilalim ng mesa dahil sa iba't ibang emosyon. Marunong din naman akong mahiya katulad ni Shayne at iyon ang nangyayari ngayon. I couldn't believe that I'd be in this situation. Hindi ko naman hiniling na magkaharap harap kami ngayon.
After the long silence surrounding our table, our order came. Wala akong magawa kundi tikman ang cheesecake na pinili ni Conrad para sa akin. Shayne's happily eating her own dark chocolate cake. I wonder if the happiness in her eyes are true. Cake lang pala ang magpapasaya sa kaniya. Dahil ako ay walang ibang malasahan sa cake na kinakain kundi pait. It was supposed to be delicious because it's my favorite but not in this situation. I couldn't appreciate it and I could feel my stomach already burning because of it.
"Conrad," Shayne mumbled after eating half of the slice of her cake.
May makahulugan siyang tingin kay Conrad na tila sila lang ang nagkakaintindihan.
Conrad cleared his throat before drinking some water. Sa ilalim ng mesa ay hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.
Napakislot ako roon. Agad na lumipad ang mga mata ko kay Shayne na hindi naman ito kita. My conscience is killing me. I appear like I'm the other woman here. Mariin at tahimik akong pumiglas sa paghawak ni Conrad ngunit matibay siya. He tightened his grip while I could see from my peripheral vision that he's staring at me.
"I'll leave you for a while. Elaine," he mumbled. "Shayne wants to talk to you..." he informed me of the obvious.
Kagat kagat ko ang loob ng aking pisngi at hindi ko mapigilan ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko.
Alam kong nakita iyon ni Conrad at laking pasalamat ko na hindi na niya iyon pinansin.
"Nasa labas lang ako," aniya. Tila ba para sa akin lang ang mga salitang iyon dahil sa akin lamang siya direktang nakatingin.
Hiyang hiya na ako at ang nais ko na lang ay matapos na ito.
Conrad slowly let go of my hand under the table and stood up.
May kakaibang bara sa lalamunan ko nang maglakad siya palayo sa amin ni Shayne.
What have I gotten myself into? Why did Conrad allow this? Gusto kong magalit sa kaniya dahil dinala niya ako sa sitwasyong ito. I wasn't ready to face the girl who was with Conrad while I was away. Hindi ko kayang harapin siya dahil hindi ko alam kung anong maaaring mangyari.
Like what I've said, I can't blame her if she fell in love with Conrad. But I do hate her for being with him in the years that I'm away.
Pero sa huli, paulit ulit lang ang tanong na sino ba ako para magalit sa kaniya? Kung mayroon mang dapat na magalit dito ay siya iyon.
Nasa harap ko lang si Shayne ngunit hindi ko alam kung paano ako titingin sa kaniya. She wasn't looking at me either. Her eyes are fixed on the cake that she didn't finish.
Sa kabila ng hiya, hinugot ko ang lahat ng lakas na mayroon ako. Hindi na ako magtataka kung bigla na lang akong mawalan ng malay pagkatapos ng pag-uusap na ito. Because I would be releasing all the strength I have right now in front of this girl.
Tumkhim ako at matabang na ngumiti. After an awkward silence, I finally glanced up at her and found the courage to start a conversation with her.
"He said you wanted to talk to me," I mumbled through my breath while looking directly at Shayne.
Umangat ang mga mata niya at iyon ang unang pagkakataon na nakakita ako ng emosyon sa mga iyon habang nakatingin sa akin. Malungkot ang kaniyang ngiti.
"Actually," she started in a soft tone. "I've been wanting to talk to you since you came back," she admitted. A small curve formed her lips.
I couldn't tell if she's trying to smile at me to show me some courtesy or she's just doing it to hide whatever she's feeling right now.
"Why?" iyon lamang ang nagawa kong sabihin at pabulong pa.
My heart started pounding so hard.
"I liked Conrad," bulalas niya.
Umawang ang bibig ko at napakurap ako ng ilang beses. Ngunit habang pinoproseso ng aking utak ang pangungusap na sinabi niya ay napag-isip isip ko na tila may pagkakamali rito.
I wanted it to be clear so I repeated what she said. "You liked him," my brows rose as I repeat what she said.
Tumango siya ng dalawang beses. "I knew him because of my brother. They were basketball teammates when we were in high school. Kaya madalas kong makita si Conrad noon. At first, he was just like the other guys that kuya introduces to me. Hindi naman ako ineresado sa mga kaibigan ni kuya," kwento niya habang ang mga mata'y parang bumabalik sa mga naaalala niyang panahon.
Sa isip ko ay hindi ko gusto ang naririnig na kwento. Nandito pala ako para marinig ang nakaraan nila ni Conrad at kung paano niya ito nagustuhan.
"Until one day, Lorenzo approaced me and mentioned something about some random pictures that he recently uploaded. I wouldn't go into details of our conversation because that's a very long story to tell," utas niya.
Mariin akong nakinig lalo na nang marinig ko ang pangalan ni Lorenzo at ang mga pictures na sigurado akong kapareho ng mga nakita ko noon.
"I wanted to explain to you the reason behind those pictures," she uttered.
Mali si Lorenzo. Sa nakikita ko kay Shayne ay wala ang mahiyaing babae na tinutukoy niya. All I could see was a determined girl. Wala pa akong ideya kung saan patungo ang pag-uusap namin na ito pero sana, sana pagkatapos nang lahat ng ito, maging malinaw na ang lahat sa akin.
Uminom muna siya sa kaniyang inumin habang ako ay hindi makagalaw dahil sa paghihintay ng istoryang ibabahagi niya sa akin.
"Conrad was admired by a lot of my girl classmates, some of them were my friends," she started. "I wasn't intereseted at him so they insisted that I should be the one to help them and do something to satisfy their admiration for Conrad. Ang gusto lang naman nila noon ay makausap at makilala sila ni Conrad. He's my brother's teammate and it would be easier for me to do it. Kaya pumayag ako dahil lang gusto kong maging masaya ang mga kaibigan ko," aniya.
So, she did something for her friends. Ganoon siya kabait na kaibigan.
"It was our school's foundation day. Matagal na nilang nais harangin si Conrad noon, especially because we were free to interact with the other students and we had the whole day to do it. But they failed. To make the long story short, nahiya pa rin sila sa huli kaya nung manalo ang team ni Conrad sa basketball, iyon ang naging paraan nila."
"I obliged. Para sa kanila naman 'yon at hindi sa akin kaya hindi ako nahiya. I asked my kuya if I could talk to his teammate. A few moments later, I was already in front of Conrad and telling him about my friends. He thought it was funny that time. Pero mabait si Conrad at pinaunlakan ang mga kaibigan ko na makausap siya. We took some pictures with the team but it didn't mean anything. Nagkataon lang na naroon ako at miyembro rin ng nanalong team ang kapatid ko," paliwanag niya sa bagay na matagal nang misteryo sa akin.
I wasn't able to ask Conrad about the whole story. Hindi ko na naisip iyon noon. Ang nais ko lang naman noon ay magtanong kung ito na ba ang bagong babae sa buhay ni Conrad. He said there's nothing going on between them and I believed him.
At natutuwa ako ngayon dahil hindi nagsinungaling si Conrad. Totoong walang kahulugan ang mga pictures.
"After that incident, we didn't see each other again. Well, I often see him in school but that's it. Wala nang iba, not until Lorenzo talked to me," she leaned towards me. Ang dalawang kamay niya ang nakabalot sa inuming nasa harap niya.
"Conrad's been bothering him and he even fought with him because of those pictures that he uploaded. Nung una, hindi ko naintindihan kung bakit binugbog ni Conrad si Lorenzo. Walang masama sa mga litratong iyon," aniya sa tonong naguguluhan.
Napayuko ako. Gusto kong ipagtanggol ang sarili ko. "I asked him about it," sambit ko. "I believed him when he said that those pictures meant nothing. Then I left, after. Akala siguro niya ay iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ako lumayo."
She gave me a faint smile.
Nahigit ko ang aking hininga nang biglang ipatong ni Shayne ang isang palad niya sa ibabaw ng kamay kong nasa mesa.
"Naiintindihan na kita ngayon. Dati, hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan mong magalit sa mga simpleng litrato lang. For me, it meant that you didn't trust Conrad. But now, I understand," ngiti niya at kitang kita kong tunay iyon at walang pagpapanggap.
"I came to you to say that... it's okay," usad niya.
I gulped as my heart started its rapid beats. The last word in that sentence has a lot of meaning. It has a lot to say. That's why I am not quite sure if I understand what she said clearly.
"What do you mean?" I asked so that I could understand her more.
Sa ilalim ng mga kamay niyang nakapatong sa akin, nanginginig ang akin.
"I like Conrad, but I don't love him," bulalas niya na nagpagulat sa akin. "Yes, I do love him but not in a romantic way. I like and love him as a friend," she revealed and it shocked me.
"W-hat..." I was about to repeat my previous question but I chose not to ask anymore. Instead, I confirmed something about what's bugging me lately.
"But you're his girlfriend. How did you become his girlfriend if you didn't love him?" Hindi ko na napigilan ang luhang kanina pa nagbabantang pumatak.
Para silang nagpumilit na tumakas sa aking mga mata. I could see the concern in Shayne's face. The tears continued to seep down my cheeks as hope flourished in my heart.
"It was too late when I realized that I really didn't love him. I was just infatuated with the idea of him being my boyfriend. I'm sure you know how attractive Conrad is. Hindi lang sa panlabas pero sa panloob din. He's kind and sweet to everyone. Saksi ako kung paano nahumaling ang maraming babae kay Conrad. It's because aside from his physical features, which is really charming, his personality is amazing as well that any girl would want a guy like him."
Hindi na nawaglit ang ngiti sa mga mata ni Shayne. I still couldn't believe what she was saying. Nasa punto ako na hindi naniniwala at iniisip na sinasabi lang niya ito para itago ang tunay niyang nararamdaman para sa kay Conrad.
But she sounded so honest and sincere. Wala akong mahanap na pagpapanggap sa mga mata niya. She might be good at hiding but why would she do it. Bakit naman niya ipagkakait na mahal niya si Conrad? Shouldn't she be proud of it? Hindi ba dapat ay ipaglaban niya ito? Kung hindi, ibig sabihin ay totoong hindi niya ito minahal?
"So you're saying..." I couldn't finish the sentence that's why she continued it for me.
"I'm saying that when you came back, I thought I should act and make Conrad mine. I considered myself a lucky girl because I was part of his life. A lot of girls have been dreaming to be in it, too. Kung alam mo lang kung gaano karaming babae ang ninais mapansin ni Conrad noong high school at college kami," she smirked, a memory might have flashed in her mind.
"But among all of us, do you know who's the luckiest?" tanong niya.
Nakatitig lamang ako sa kaniya.
"It's you, Elaine, because among all of us, you are the one that he loves. We may be a part of his life but you, Elaine, you're the only girl in his heart," she stated and I couldn't see any sign of grief in her eyes.
"That's not true..." halos wala na akong boses nang sabihin iyon.
Naguguluhan pa rin ako at hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit niya sinasabi ang mga ito sa akin.
"Why are you saying that to me? You are his girlfriend," I stressed those words to make her understand. Baka nakakalimutan kasi niya ngayong kaharap niya ako at kung anoano ang pinagsasabi niya.
"I was. I'm not his girlfriend anymore, Elaine," bulalas niya. "Hindi naman din naging totoo ang relasyon namin," she stated.
My jaw dropped at her statement. Talagang tinotoo ni Conrad ang sinabi niyang makikipaghiwalay siya kay Shayne.
Pinakinggan kong maigi kung may maririnig ba akong pait o kalungkutan sa kaniyang tono.
She smiled weakly and looked down at the drink she's holding. At frist, I thought it was because she felt sad that she broke up with Conrad but her next words contradicted what I was thinking.
"I told you, I admire Conrad and if I'm going to find a man that I want to love, it might be someone like him. But not him..." she trailed. "I apologize for dong this to the both of you. Especially to you, Elaine. I didn't understand myself either that time. Why did I confess something that's not true at all, huh?" nagtatakang tanong niya para sa sarili. "Maybe, it's because I am threatened when you came back. He's my best friend and we've been together for years. Bukod kay Celine, ako lang ang nag-iisang babaeng nakakasama niya tapos hayan at bumalik ka. I know how much he loves you and I'm sure that if he sees you again, I'd be forgotten. Makukuha mo ang lahat ng kaniyang oras. Pati 'yong mga panahon na para sana sa akin."
Sa mga namumungay na mga mata niya ay nakikita na walang halong biro ang pagsisisi niya sa kinahatungan ng lahat.
"Kaya nang sinabi nyang gusto ka rin niyang saktan at maghiganti sa'yo, doon ko naisip na pwedeng ako ang gamitin niya. I told him that I could be his girlfriend. Habang nandoon na rin 'yong kagustuhan kong 'wag siyang malayo sa akin. I knew it's a selfish act, and that it's really stupid."
Hinawakan niyang maigi ang kamay ko. Mainit ang mga kamay niyang salungat sa nanlalamig na mga kamay ko.
"Hindi na ako magtataka kung tanga ang tingin mo sa akin. I thought of that to myself, too. But it's too late to take back what I did and all I could do now is apologize to you and make things right. Conrad's not mine to begin with. Please, do not deprive him of the love that he deserves; of the love that he's been longing to have for years. I explained everything to him already. I told him to tell it to you as well. But he's afraid that you won't believe him. And I also realize that it's also my fault so I asked him if I can talk to you. That's why I'm here." She let go of my hand.
Nilingon niya ang labas ng restaurant.
Tumingin din ako roon at doon ko lang din napansin na naroon lamang si Conrad at nanonood sa amin. His eyes are fixed on my face and when he noticed that I'm watching him, he smiled and waved his hand at me.
Bumaling akong muli kay Shayne na nakatingin na rin sa akin.
"That man loves you so much, Elaine. Everything you heard from me is the truth. Now, it's all up to you."