Chapter 40
I was left there with my mouth still in agape. Ilang minuto akong nanatili sa loob to digest what I'd heard from Amethyst and when I finally had the courage to move, lumabas ako ng wash room. I can't understand myself because I was walking all throughout. I wasn't even thinking normally. I was inside the taxi para umuwi na sa apartment pero hindi parin mawala sa isip ko yung sinabi ni Amethyst.
I know I must be happy because Mark wasn't lie to me. When he say that there is an emergency, hindi ako naniwala because I thought he's just reason out. I thought he's lying. Pero totoo yung sinasabi niya. He can't directly tell me what happen because he's aware that I might get jealous because Amethyst was involve.
I don't believe in him. I push him away without even listening to his explanations. Ang tanga tanga ko. I became selfish and one sided. I just care about myself, to the pain I was feeling when he doesn't go to our dinner date. Without even realizing that he was in pain too.
Another bunch of thoughts were disturbing me. Amethyst left because she was ill. She doesn't want to left Mark intentionally. Paano kung malaman ni Mark na hindi siya ginustong iwan ni Amethyst? Paano kung malaman niya yung kondisyon ni Amethyst and decide to win her back and to be with her again? Hindi ko kayang tanggapin 'yon at kailanman hindi ko matatanggap.
I know that my relationship with Mark was too complicated. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan. Kahit hindi ko alam kung ano ba talagang meron kami. Kung may matatawag ba kong akin. But I will always take the risk of loving him. He's always worth of all the risk.
Bumaba ako ng taxi ng tumapat sa apartment. Just like what I expected they weren't here. Mag-isa na naman ako. Baka dumating yung araw na masanay na lang ako sa pagiging mag-isa. To do things independently. I proceed to my room. Nagkulong lang ako gaya ng palagi kong ginagawa. I already ate on a fast food restaurant and I'm not on my mood to eat dahil sa mga nalaman ko.
I get my pillow to cover on my ear because I heard a small voices. My conscience keeps on bothering me because of what I've said to Mark. Words are too powerful. I know I can't take it. The damage has been done. He's already wounded and even if I will do things to heal it, the scars will be left.
--
The next day was too rough with me. Maaga akong pumasok sa school because I received a text message from my groupmates that we need to prepare all the things that needed for all the preparation for upcoming Intramurals. Nalalapit na yung intrams kaya abalang abala na yung buong university sa pagprepare ng mga materials and equipment including basketball, nets, poles, etc. I haven't eat my breakfast dahil nagmamadali ako. Hindi naman talaga ako madalas kumain. I often starve myself than to eat. Kaya siguro madalas akong magkasakit and I totally loose my weight. Dagdag pa yung kabilaang stress from school and personal matters.
I tried to forget what Amethyst told me but the more I tried to avoid it, the more it was stuck on my head.
Hindi ko alam kung nananadya ba yung sitwasyon ko ngayon dahil una, kailangan kong taguan si Eris. Pero mukhang malabo dahil iisang school lang kami napasok. Pangalawa, hindi parin kami ayos nila Aileen at Chelsea at mukhang magtatagal pa bago kami bumalik sa dati at panghuli, I do everything not to see Mark. After all of what I've done to push him away. Hindi na kaya ng konsensya ko. Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung magpapakita pa ko sa kanya matapos ng mga masasakit na sinabi ko.
"Rio?" My thoughts were cut when Andrea (my classmate) called my name. I eventually looked at her place.
"Hmm?"
"Tayo yung nakaassigned sa paggawa at pagkabit ng bandiritas while others are on the tents." I just nodded at her while she's explaining other things that we should do. We don't have regular class for today dahil sa preparation para sa Intrams.
"Are you okay?" Kanina pa siya nagsasalita pero walang pumapasok sa utak ko. I shooked my head. "Namumutla ka. Are you still sick?" Umiling ako. "Kung hindi mo kaya pwedeng kami na lang gumawa. You can take a rest."
"No. I'm okay. Don't worry."
Dumiretso ako sa storage room to get all the materials we will use. Kahit hindi ganoon kaganda yung pakiramdam ko, hindi ko naman pwedeng iasa ko sa kanila yung lahat dahil nahihiya ako. Ayokong maging pabigat.
Matapos kong kuhanin yung lahat ng gagamitin namin. Nagsimula na kami sa paggawa ng bandiritas. While my other group mates build some tents. For every courses, kailangan magkaroon ng booth and service or anything na pwede nilang pagkakitaan na mapupunta din sa mga school organization.
For almost an hour, natapos din naming gawin yung lahat ng bandiritas. Hindi naman ganoon kahirap kaya madali lang din naming natapos. Ikakabit na lang namin. Narinig kong tinawag na naman ni Andrea yung pangalan ko kaya napalingon ako sa kanya.
"Tara. Lunch muna tayo. Treat ko," she said with full of energy. Kasama niya yung iba naming kagrupo na mga lalaki.
Umiling ako.
"No, thanks. Kayo na lang, busog pa 'ko," bakas yung lungkot sa mata niya dahil sa sagot ko. Hindi naman ako yung tipo ng taong palakaibigan. Sila Aileen at Chelsea nga lang yung mga kaibigan ko sa school na 'to, e. I just prefer small group of friend that is real than huge group of friends that is fake. Quality over quantity. And besides, wala rin naman akong gana kumain.
"Okay. I will buy you some foods if ever magutom ka."
Hindi ako sumama sa kanila. I decided to stay and make myself busy. Dahil kung hindi ko gagawin 'yon patuloy lang akong guguluhin ng mga iniisip ko. Baka mabaliw na 'ko kapag hindi ko nilibang yung sarili ko.
Kumuha ako ng upuan para ikabit yung mga bandiritas. Buti na lang at mababa lang yung pagsasabitan kaya hindi ako nahirapan na itali 'yon. Habang itinatali ko yung dulo ng banderitas panandalian akong napahinto ng makaramdam ako ng pagkahilo. I thought I was fine so I continue what I'm doing not until my eyes got blurry. Hindi ko namalayan na bumagsak na 'ko sa upuan na kinatatayuan ko. Unang bumagsak yung tuhod ko. May kaunting sugat at galos doon.
Nasprain yata yung tuhod ko dahil sa malakas kong pagbagsak. Wala pa man din yung mga kagrupo ko para mahingan ko ng tulong. Ako na lang mag-isang natira dito. Sinubukan kong tumayo pero bumagsak lang din ako. Hindi ko magawang makatayo dahil sobrang sakit ng paa ko.
I closed my eyes to breath for air. Sobrang malas ng araw na 'to. Pakiramdam ko maiiyak ako anytime dahil sa sobrang sakit. Bakit ang lampa lampa ko kasi, e.
"What happen?"
I open my eyes when someone held my shoulder and kneeled in front of me.
"You okay?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Mark habang hinahawakan yung paa ko.
"Kaya ko..." Iniwas ko yung paa ko at sinubukang tumayo pero bumagsak lang ulit ako.
But instead of considering my proposal he continue what he was doing. "Don't move. You have sprain," he looked at me. I just gave him a glare. Kasabay ng namumuong luha sa mata ko.
My face was already buried of the crook of his neck nung nilapitan niya ako. Yumuko siya para buhatin ako. He touched my back and lift me up. My heart got froze for a minute. What if he heard how fast my heart was beating because of the proximity? About how my heart was going crazy with a simple touch from him?
My eyes got stuck looking at him. Sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan bahadyang nag-init ang pisngi ko dahil sa ginagawa niya.
"I need to disinfect your wounds. Just stay there. I will get some first aid." Umalis siya at ilang minuto lang may dala na siyang alcohol, betadine and other disinfectant.
I know I don't deserve any help from him dahil 'yon naman yung gusto ko 'di ba? Gusto ko siyang lumayo dahil ang palagi kong sinasabi sa kanya na hindi ko kailangan ng tulong na mangagaling sa kanya pero ano 'tong ginagawa ko? Why I didn't complain and push him away like what I always do? Why I let him help me this time?
Dahan dahan niyang dinampi yung bulak na may alcohol sa tuhod kong may sugat.
"I'm sorry..." sabi niya at hininto ng sandali yung pagdisinfect sa sugat ko ng makita niyang napapikit ako sa sobrang hapdi. "Just breath to lessen the pain." I just close my eyes and heave a sigh. Wala namang mawawala kung susundin ko siya.
Inihipan niya yung sugat ko that makes my heart hammered. I avoid his glance when he looked at me. What have I done to deserve his care?
"Feeling better now?" I nodded.
After disinfecting my wound and scratches, he put some gauze on it. He took out his triangular bandage and rolled on my knee.
He looked serious while doing so...and I was drowning in the sight of him caring for me.
"Kumain ka na ba?" Umiling ako. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito ako... Kahit alam ko na yung dahilan kung bakit hindi siya nakapunta ng gabing 'yon... natitiis ko parin na hindi siya pansinin. Bakit natitiis ko parin na hindi siya kausapin?
Ngayon ko lang ulit siya nakita simula ng ilang linggo na hindi siya umattend ng training. I was happy because he's here wearing his basketball uniform. Kahit papano nabawasan yung guilt na nararamdaman ko. Dahil ako yung dahilan kung bakit distracted siya.
He get his bag at inilabas doon yung sandwhich at bottled water.
"Eat," He encourage me to eat. Kaya siguro ako nakaramdam ng hilo dahil hindi pa 'ko kumakain simula ng umaga. Wala namang mangyayari kung magmamatigas ako kaya kinuha ko na iyong sandwhich at kumagat ng kaunti.
He's watching me while I'm eating.
"Don't starve yourself. Always eat your meal so won't be sick again. Pumapayat ka. I know your still mad at me but please, always take care of yourself."
The wind brushed against our skin. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Among us, I was the one who judged the most.
"Thank you," I whispered. I can't looked straight in his eyes.
He looked at me and sadly smiled.
"Oh my gosh! What happen to you?"
He walked through me when Andrea and our groupmates came. Agad nila 'kong nilapitan at pinagtulungang dalhin sa clinic.
Pinagmasdan ko siyang maglakad palayo sa'kin.
I thought staying away from him would make me forget him, but I was just kidding myself.
Because how do you even forget someone who gave you so much memories to remember?
--
JeraldAlde