i have no idea what to do with the thoughts in my head creeping back in unauthorised.
the next afternoon alice had asked me to come with her and do the groceries, so i finished my test in uni quite early then hopped on the train to meet up with her around lunch.
my head is aching like mad from last night, and i can hardly remember the amount of time we spent trying to figure out how to properly fuck in his car. i ended up going home at sunrise and i felt terrible.
i still feel terrible. a bit more terrible now, actually.
there's a pit in my stomach and i can't seem to ignore it even though alice is currently reciting to me her grocery list that she typed on her phone.
"eggs, a bottle of wine, cheese... rhiannon, could you be a darling and go back to the aisle where they stock the eggs please? i forgot to get a dozen when we passed by."
i sigh. "okay."
the egg aisle's a bit far, so i take the time to reflect on whatever shit is going on in my head as well as pick up some items alice had forgotten to list down on her phone, such as bread.
just as i'm about to get a loaf of bread sitting on the mid shelf, someone calls out my name.
"you're rhiannon, aren't you?"
she looks about my age but definitely prettier, much more defined features than i could ever have. bleached pixie hair, deep brown eyes, her mascara's smudged and she looks like she just took off from a wild party and haven't thought of a shower.
too much mascara.
probably from uni.
"yeah. are you in my class?" i ask, trying to figure out if i've seen her anywhere.
"no, i just see your face around online." she shrugs.
i don't have any social media apart from instagram, which i don't really use as often as other people do. i have about less than 100 followers at most and had switched to private a couple of months ago.
"you used to be matty's girlfriend, weren't you? people on twitter have this discussion on whether or not you've broken up, in case you haven't seen." she takes out her phone from her pocket, then pauses. "i mean, it's none of my business really, i just saw you and—i'm sorry, i'm pretty sure i'm still a bit drunk from last night."
she actually looks nice despite coming off as nosy, but to be frank, if i were her i would probably have done the same.
"no, it's okay." i smile softly at her. "uh, yeah. we used to date. i'm in college so we took some time apart, and he's been quite busy."
i wonder if she is actually hanging onto my shitty explanation.
truth is things were tough so i completely ditched him at such a crucial time in his life where i should have been there. i'm a fucking coward and haven't spoken to him or the guys since. i'm in college and i fucking hate it but this is the only thing i have that actually makes me feel normal and sane, you know?
from the looks of it she looks convinced. "oh, that's so unfortunate, i'm so sorry. the people on twitter have been pretty mean and assuming things about you—"
i probably deserve it.
"—and they've been badgering matty a lot about it, and i know he sees it because they're back in london from their american tour and... oh my god, i'm sorry. i need to shut up." she shakes her head. "so sorry."
i'm trying to make it seem like i know, though in my head i'm is exploding. they're back here?
"it's fine." i chuckle. "what's your name?"
"elle." she frowns at me, her mascara-smudged eyes looking apologetic.
"nice to meet you elle." i smile. "you should really get a cart for your items."
she looks down at the cans of soup she's been cradling with one arm. "yeah, i guess so. hangover food."
"suppose we've all been there." i say. from a distance i see alice with our cart stocked with so much boxes of wine. "i'm gonna have to go, it's really nice to meet you."
"you... you too." she looks surprised probably because i'm being so nice to her, after literally saying that people are basically planning my funeral over the internet. "i hope you and matty get back together, you seem so nice."
"thanks." i doubt she means it, but i smile anyway.
"who was that?" alice asks me once elle heads over the cashier with her cans of soup.
i place the egg carton and bread carefully inside her cart. "a fan."
"oh, aren't you that girl who dated that man from that band? the... 1967 is it?" alice fake-gasps. i roll my eyes.
nobody had ever recognised me out and about before, which probably makes sense since they probably had only gotten big now, with the new album and fucking somebody else, fuck's sake.
we start looking for milk in the next aisle.
"she said they got this discussion on twitter about me. a bit immature really." i say out of nowhere as alice places 2 cartons of milk inside the cart. ollie mostly drinks the milk because alice is lactose intolerant.
"i'm honestly not surprised babe. they've got pretty hardcore fans nowadays." she says nonchalantly. "you follow matty on instagram?"
i shake my head. what is it with instagram?
i didn't have one back when i was with matty. i suppose i was too caught up with him to even think about anything else.
"jesus, were you really shagging him or not?" she rolls her eyes. "anyway, i reckon him rambling on about how they sold out their tour in america. filled like 10 instagram stories with him going around his rich nice hotel room."
"must be a dream." i say sarcastically. and i'm living with my only friend off my sister's money because i'm busy studying/failing in university. fucking neat.
sometimes i think i made the wrong choice to leave.
especially now. everyone seems to be having a better life, and i'm stuck trying to deal with mine. outside looking in.
maybe if i hadn't ran off i'd be in the same hotel room as matty. what luck.
"that girl who went up to me earlier..." i sigh. "she says they're in london."
"thought they used to live in manchester?" alice picks up a can of beans from the top shelf, in her tiptoes since she's got quite a small frame.
"i know, i dunno why they're here. probably a show." i clear my throat. "when she said they're here i just... i dunno, would it be silly to... you know, finally show up?" i say softly...
nervous.
she pauses for a moment, looking at me incredulously. "after a fucking year, sweetheart, what made you finally come to such a realisation?"
i frown. "i kind of had sex with alex last night."
alice accidentally drops the can of beans on the floor.
"fucking hell." she breathes out loud. "alex? your gorgeous 'he's just a friend' alex?"
i nod ever so slightly.
"and?" alice shakes her head, her eyes wide with curiosity.
"i suppose i only did that... 'cause somebody else was playing at a party i was at last night, and... i dunno."
it feels much much more terrible to be saying it out loud. and shallow. and fucked up.
i stare down at my worn-out white trainers. "i feel awful, he doesn't know anything and i haven't told him about matty and..." i cover my face with my two hands. "i just wish i could stop fucking things up."
"rhian, fucking things up is your specialty, and you're quite good at it." alice frowns at me. "if you haven't fucked things up you'd still be at your mum's hating every bit of your dull life. see where it took you now."
i sigh, looking at the canned tomatoes on the shelf. "i think i need a fucking cigarette."
"easy. one bad decision at a time, sweetheart."