Four Days Later
I fixed my eye makeup before I got out of the vehicle. I looked around and made sure everyone was gone from the gravesite as I pulled Maxwell out of the backseat. Holding his hand, we made our way up the small walkway and to the freshly covered grave. I sniffled and placed the roses on the gravestone.
"I never knew this is the way it'd be. It was a beautiful ceremony. I watched from the back. I just...I didn't want to intrude. I feel like, your family wouldn't understand everything between you and me. I feel like, we had our own chapter. Our own world."
Maxwell ran around the grassy area, as I sat down, not caring about getting my skirt dirty. I took a breath and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I found the letter. You were going to give me. The doctor found it in your coat pocket. I just....I haven't brought myself to open it." I let the tears fall as I spoke. "You told me you wouldn't do anything to hurt me Andrew. That's the stupidest thing you ever said. Now look at me. You promised to take care of me. To take care of Max. Our little boy."
I stopped myself from speaking anymore to dab my eyes. I sighed and shook my head. "I've lost many people in this world. In my life. My parents. Friends. The people I took for granted. How much longer until it's my turn?"
I stayed quiet, just listening to the wind blow through the trees. The silence in the cemetery. The sound of Maxwell giggling and running over to me. He moved into my lap and hugged me tight. I gave him a small smile and kissed the top of his head.
"You're lucky you're too young to know what's going on. Daddy loves you so much. He always will." I whispered. I brushed my finger over the gravestone and just stayed silent. The rest of the evening was spent talking and crying, just hoping he was listening.
..
When I got home later that evening, I put Maxwell to bed and had a drink in the living room. Still in my black clothing, I held my head in my hands and cried. The pain was unbearable. The hurt. The grief. The whole damn thing. My world was one huge mess. Without Andrew to keep me from harming myself was a terrifying thought.
"Andrew you selfish bastard." I cried, throwing the class of vodka across the room. I watched it shatter into tiny pieces, staining the carpet. I sniffled, getting up and pouring myself another glass.
I was about to take a drink when I saw the envelope on the counter. The small blood stains faded from that night. I grabbed it and swallowed the lump in my throat. My finger brushed against the opening, slowly tearing it open. I bit my lip, pulling out the letter and the small set of....keys?
Lucy,
Hopefully by the time I've given this to you, I'm in San Francisco. If not, this is an early Christmas gift. A few months ago when I was in London, I remember you mentioning your old home in Liverpool. I found the house and we'll, I bought it for you! I was thinking that maybe, we can move over there. I know it's a lot to ask but, once I save enough money, we can raise Maxwell together, maybe have another baby like you wanted and....start something new. I love you a hell of a lot Luce. I just want you to be happy. And, I'm happiest with you. Either way, the house is yours. Please think about it?
Love, Andrew.
I was a mess by the time I finished reading it. My heart sank, my breathing erratic as I dropped to my knees on the hard floor. My stomach hurt from all the crying. I didn't care. I just wanted to see him one more time. I needed him so badly. To hold me, to kiss me, to make love to me once more. Andrew truly was my better half.
I got up off the floor, stripping out of my clothes as I made my way to the bathroom. I showered and got out, not even bothering to put on clothes as I laid in bed. I could still smell his scent on the pillows. On the bedsheets. I hugged the pillow he slept on and just breathed in and out, closing my eyes, wishing I was holding onto him instead.
..
I yawned the next morning, drinking another glass of liquor and watching the news. Maxwell playing with one of his toys when the phone rang. I picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Lucy, are you alright?"
I sighed. John.
"Yeah um, I'm quite dandy." I said lighting a cigarette.
He sighed. "Lucy I'm coming over. Please."
I inhaled my cig, blowing smoke into the air. "Okay. Um, please hurry yeah?"
"I will."
I hung up and put out the cigarette, feeling my stomach turn as I poured myself another glass of Jack Daniels. Maxwell walked over to me, mumbling and handing me a piece of glass. I quickly took it from his hands, looking him over to make sure he was alright. After my small panic attack, I set my glass of alcohol aside and just held Max in my arms.
"I miss your father." I said against his cheek.
I jumped when there was a knock on the door. I cleared my throat.
"Come in!" I yelled. I wiped my eyes as he entered the room. Max falling asleep against my chest.
"Hi. I um, the place looks a mess." He said sitting in the chair next to me. I nodded.
"I haven't really been up to anything lately. I don't see the point in it all."
He looked at me. "Lucy, I'm worried about you."
I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. "Don't be. I can take care of myself. God knows I've done it most of my life." I said getting up and leaving the room. John followed me as I set Max to nap. I closed the bedroom door and turned to him.
"You know, you don't have to feel obligated to check up on me."
He shook his head. "I don't. Its just what friends do. That's what we are isn't it?"
I made my way into the kitchen and decided to make myself some tea. "I don't know what we are John. You keep your distance, then you show up when I least expect it."
I filled the kettle with water, then set it on the stove.
"I care about you Lucy. I just want to make sure you're well enough to take care or Max. Julian's been wondering how you are."
I crossed my arms and leaned against the counter. "I'm fine."
"Are you?"
He sat on a stool and looked at me. I blinked and shook my head. "No. I'm not. I just lost the father of my child. How do you think I am??"
"I know your hurt Lucy. But you just..."
"Don't tell me I have to move on. I cant. Not this soon. Andrew wasn't much to you, but he was everything to me. I loved him with all my heart and losing him the way I did was just...it wasn't fair." I broke down. John came over and pulled me into his arms. "I can't stop now. I can't just give him up. He was the one man in this world that actually listened to me."
"I listen to you Lucy...."
"Only so much. He wanted me to leave with him John. He wanted us to be together. To be a family. To have a home and grow old together. But he knew you'd always come first." I pulled away from him and stood back. He just silently stood still as I spoke.
"Andrew always had high spirits. He wanted to be with me despite the fact I was in love with you. I knew he'd be there for me. He wouldn't run off or cheat....tell me why John. Just tell me why I'd choose you over him??" I shook my head.
"Lucy you're being rediculous now. You know I love you."
"I don't feel like you do anymore. You never show it." I shook my head.
"Lucy.." He came in closer. I took a step back.
"I can't let you hold me John. My whole life has revolved around you. And what do I get back?? Nothing. I get the kick in the face. Pushed to the side. Forgotten. But with Andrew, He always put me first. He was a great father. All I ever wanted was to be loved. And he loved me. He really really loved me. And I let him leave that evening. I let him walk out the door to get drunk and get himself killed." I said shakily.
"Lucy it's not your fault."
"It is my fault. And yours. Because of you I never showed him as much love as I should have. My whole fuckin life revolves around you and I hate it! I fuckin hate loving you! You ruined me from loving another man!" I cried as the kettle began to whistle loudly.
"Lucy please don't cry. I love you so much, you know I do. I want you to be happy again. I want to see that girl I used to know." He pleaded, pulling me back into his arms. I fought him but gave up after a small struggle. I cried and cried into his chest as he stroked my back.
"It isn't fair John! Now I have nobody."
"You have me Lucy. You'll always have me."
"For how long?" I asked. He pulled back slowly and looked down at me. I wiped my eyes and shook my head, grabbing the kettle and taking it off the burner. I turned so I wasn't facing him. "You should go John. I just need to be alone. Of you loved me...you'd give me that."
He placed his hand on my shoulder, but let go. I shut my eyes, hearing his footsteps fade and then the front door open and shut. I took a deep breath and grabbed an asprin out of the cabinet, pouring myself another glass of liquor and washing the pill down.
........