Hurt
There is a deep sense of hurt,
whenever I am reminded
of you
I can't believe
that at one point
I mistook fear
for butterflies,
and being in love
with
you
even with you gone,
and not dealing with your manipulation
I still feel the hurt you caused
daily
Happiness
Hello
sunshine,
you are warm beach days,
and ocean breezes,
you are warmth on my bare skin,
and a sense of freedom
when I think of happiness,
it is all about being in control,
and free
the world is big and full
there are opportunities in every corner,
but the world is also so small
and I can bump into you
at every edge
Pain
I am known
for pain,
I have only known,
pain
and as your hand no longer constricts my neck,
the rope will have to do
and as you no longer slice open my skin,
the knife will have to take it's place
as you no longer scream bloody murder,
my ears will have to shatter from the music
blasting through the speakers of my car
as you no longer push your entire body weight onto me
I will suffocate myself, trap myself, feel out of control
because you were the one to show me pain,
and that is all I have known,
I follow all the paths
with the most pain,
and it's a comfort to be in such a familiar place
I may have moved away from you,
but he did the same,
and the one after,
and the one after that,
and now that they all are gone,
I only have myself to follow up
on that pain
Grief
As I see the clammy skin,
I expect your eyes to open,
and I am not filled with fear,
but a deep sadness I have never known
I want to grieve
but I am holding onto her hand,
as she pours everything out of herself,
her knees buckle,
and I am all her support,
I shut down my tears,
I'll cry later,
as we go home,
she is still too broken,
too fragile,
it is not the right time to grieve,
as I head back to my own place,
I have too much I missed
that I have to deal with now,
I can grieve later
Months past by,
I will grieve when I can,
half a year passes,
I tell him about you,
a single tear drops,
but I can't open that canal of un-shed tears,
I may never stop
so I think of your death,
but I can not grieve you,
you are added to the list of held in pain,
this is the third death that I have been unable to fully grieve
but as it was too late for me to change,
it is too late to cry for you,
at this point,
I did this to myself,
and I can no longer have your death as an obstacle,
and I have to continue
being a student, an employee,
there is no longer a chance to grieve
Sadness
In the times,
where the depression doesn't hit hard,
and the anxiety, doesn't turn into panic
I allow myself to feel sad
just for a moment
but there is so much sadness,
that it scares me
I am not allowed to feel sad,
not in front of him,
or them,
they don't understand,
they don't care,
they are uncomfortable,
so the sadness is no longer something I am allowed to feel,
because sadness is always questioned for depression
or suicide
and it just ends up going deeper
since sadness is not an okay feeling
Depression
Depression is there from the moment I wake up
To the moment I lay down to sleep
It never leaves me alone
It has grown to be a part of me
And that sucks
The more I ignore it the more it manifests
Into a big ball of blackness
And when I finally acknowledge it
The more it traps me inside and suffocates me
I have no energy
No motivation
And there's nothing I want to do
But lie in bed and stay empty
Rage
There's an inexpressible rage inside me
There's no latch to hold onto
No grip
It boils up inside me and
There's no control
It build until
I want to punch holes in the wall
Tear my skin open with my bare hands
Break things
And pound into you
Anger
When there is no rage
There is still anger
Anger for the abuse I went through
Anger for all the damage I endured
All the pain
Anger for not being able to change my life around
Or to love myself
Anger that I am un-worthy of love
And that you'll never love me
Anger that this is all I know
Anxious
I am anxious
to make a decision
because I am always wrong
I am anxious to make a
decision
because I don't know what I want
a choice between subway and taco bell
is more of a decision then food,
because I think of you,
and I think of me
I don't know what I want,
so what would you,
and would I be okay with that decision
I am anxious
I am anxious
I care too much,
of everyone else but me
I am scared,
I am scared,
this is what happens
when I met you,
a hurricane to my tornado,
and I just love too much,
and I am anxious
Hope
it is hard to hope
when even the smallest sliver of hope
ends in disappointment
why bring myself up,
get hopeful,
to crash to the ground
Love
as I say love,
I remember him,
but I also think
of all the love broken,
and the way that love
is thrown around,
when it clearly isn't
love
Mixed
Happy sadness
Sad anger
Crying rage
Sad smiles
everything is in a big bowl,
being whirled around
I am happy but suicidal,
I smile with sad eyes,
my heart flutters and skips a beat,
while freezing with panic
panic rises up
while calm soothes down
can't hold onto a single feeling
for more then two seconds
Excited
the excitement lights up my eyes,
they finally shine,
in the dullness
the excitement makes me want to jump
up and down,
and laugh
I want to do these fun things,
I am fun, happy
but the excitement dies down quickly
and I am left even more empty
**Bonus
Cali S'mores
I had a dream about you,
my little furry child,
I had killed myself,
and he was the one designated to take care of you,
you were sad
and you wouldn't eat,
he'd take you out and hold you
He would whisper in your ear
Are you sad Callie,
do you miss her,
because I do
and Cali,
at that moment
after waking,
you were rumbling,
wanting food
I picked you up,
and you purred into me,
and I am so sorry,
that you need me
since I never know
where I am even at, feeling,
on the daily
Stronger
You have always been the strong one
in the family,
and it scared us all,
because you could walk away without a thought,
and leave us all behind
you had to be strong,
because we all depended on you,
but how can I keep seeing you as strong,
with the new information rising,
I never thought you'd stay with someone
who'd cheat,
you are too good for that,
and I never expected you to stay
through all the abuse you have,
you are stronger then that