"I entrust you all to be ready for our expedition tomorrow in Wall Maria. There is no time to waste, so let's gather all of our strengths to fight by getting enough rest." Erwin demands as Levi's squad members including myself stand in his office. We then ball up our right fist to slam it against our chest and the other behind our back to salute. "Yes, sir!"
As for me, saluting is nearly impossible since my right arm is in the process of healing, but faster than I thought so I will be on the battlefield in no time. I can rotate my arm and holding a blade is no problem. My pain tolerance is quite high for this next expedition and I am not willing to sit around while innocent lives within the walls are suffering by the titans as we speak. Levi, on the other hand, seemed a bit dissatisfied at the moment, "Erwin. May I request something?"
Erwin's including ourselves switch our attention over to Levi and he nods his head. "Yes, Levi?"
"I don't think Sina should join us in the next expedition."
My eyes widen in disbelief at what he just said and just by looking around, we all have the same reactions. "Levi, it's fine. I promise I'm already feeling better."
"I'm not letting you until you're fully recovered," Levi tells me with a stern tone. He is not fully restricting me this time since I am now a soldier of the Survey Corps, but there are still some limitations coming from him."Even if you are fully recovered, I still don't want you going out just yet. Just wait until the outside is less risky."
I winced at his words because it seemed like he did not fully trust me. Not even as a soldier. Not even as myself. "When will all of this become less risky? Are you saying I should sit around while innocent lives are being eaten by mindless titans? I honestly think the world is not getting any more peaceful than now."
"Sounds like you are only keeping Sina to yourself like a precious gem." Viktor scoffs at the situation that we are awkwardly in. "How very selfish of you, captain."
Erwin was listening the whole time and rubbed a hand over his mouth, thinking what he should carefully say next until Zaiya interrupted. "I don't mind either way. Not like it's going to make a difference with or without her."
"Zaiya!" Abel threatened her with his sharp tone but that wasn't going to intimidate Zaiya. I was truly hurt overall, but what hurt me the most was that Levi was doubting my abilities. How can I convince him to think that I am not going to be taken down so easily? That day when he rescued me from the titan cult really left a scar on him because he almost lost a part of his sanity and that was me. He does not want to risk losing another person after Isabel and Farlan.
"Sina, you were targeted by many because they see you as a valuable being, but I am not willing to take that risk again. You are going to keep a low profile until I say so. This is an order." Levi threatens me not as a friend, but as a comrade.
"You're something, captain." I boldly say to him. I definitely saw the new side of him I wish I never did. Sure, he was always this cold-hearted, but I never thought he was this selfish. "If you have more to say about me, then just say it."
Those words caused him to clench his jaw, which was pretty frightening coming from him. "That's it. I'm going to fucking say it. Ever since you came into my life, you keep following my footsteps like a damn stray. I decided to accept you back then because the world is always after you, but now that I think about it, I regret having you here. All you are doing is getting yourself killed and once that happens, I will never forgive myself."
Those words struck me right through the heart like a poisonous dagger, because I never thought that Levi had these hateful feelings towards me. It makes me wonder why he is finally telling me these things now in front of everybody. Is he saying this just to scare me away? Am I a heavy burden to this hopeless man?
My tears are welling up in the corners of my eyes and now I am feeling embarrassed, so I lower my chin to stare into the wooden floor to hide my face. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind and it was Viktor who stood right in between me and Levi, but this time, he was glaring right into Levi's steel-blue eyes.
"Well let me say this: your attitude is nothing new here." Viktor replied in his savage tongue, "You think shutting her out is the only way to protect her. But you're wrong. You're too dangerous for her, captain. Only I can protect Sina. Only I can make her happy!"
Levi listened with an amused expression, tinted with slight shadows of impatience. "How exactly are you going to make her happy when this world is already full of shit?"
Viktor has come out of the clouds and mists to fight this man again by grabbing Levi by his cravat. This caused everybody else in the room to straighten up because the atmosphere just got intense. "This world is full of shit because you're in it! Once I wipe out all titans in this world, I will make her life worth living." Viktor shouted in his face which made Zaiya turn pale at his words and Levi grabbed him by his collar. "You know nothing about her."
"Neither do you," Viktor says through his clenched teeth. "Unlike a heartless bastard like you, I am the only person who understands her. At least I do not see her as a control freak like you because I know her worth. I know what is best for her."
"If that's the case... would you risk your life for her?" Levi tested during the fight, which caused Viktor to scoff.
"Without any hesitation, but would you do the same, captain?"
There was a long pause in the heat of the situation and Levi was almost speechless. His eyes were searching for mine, but I was still staring at the floor this whole argument about me. As much as I want to flee from this room, I am curious to know what Levi is going to say next, but the heat of the moment dies off.
"Just as I thought."
Right at this very moment, I have a gut feeling that Viktor is about to throw a punch right into the captain's face, and within seconds, everything escalated so quickly. I do not know what overcame me, probably the adrenaline, but I somehow found myself between Levi and Viktor. From there, everything turned into a blur and noises began to fade away. I am swallowed by darkness once again.
⚔︎
"Sina..." A familiar voice echoes in the distance, but all I see is black. Then the voice grows louder. "My precious daughter."
That's when my eyes flew open to find myself standing in front of my father, a monster that tried to devour me alive. "Sina, my dear, is it worth protecting humanity in a world dominated by the titans?"
I scoff at his ridiculous question, not believing why he is here before me. "This world needs to be cleansed by mankind. You clearly have not seen a single titan, but I will tell you this: I am not one of them." I explained. "You have the luxury to say that, but I am sacrificing my own life for humanity from man-eating creatures and people like you..."
Now I think about it, do I feel any remorse after killing my own father? He is not my father by blood, so maybe I don't feel as bad.
"I wish I had been a good father to you..." he tells me in such a soft tone and it makes me want to believe he truly did love me as his daughter. If only things did not end the way they did, I would see him as human.
"Stop pretending you care about me." I was also being cautious because he could also be lying to me. He played a cruel trick by having me eat human flesh and that was far from forgiveness. Eventually, everything turns into a blur and I find myself awakening in a bed with a sharp pain in my temple.
I realized that was all a dream and now I see myself in an infirmary with Levi staring down at me with worried eyes. My memory was slowly recovering from the recent event that happened in Erwin's office and seeing that Levi was in the same room with me, I silently turned away from him to hide my face in shame.
"I want to apologize to you privately. So can we talk?"
I tried to hold a grudge against him, but it was nearly impossible because he genuinely sounded sad. I let out a heart-aching sigh and mumbled. "Fine, apology accepted," I say to have this conversation come to an end because I have no interest in conversing with him.
"No," Levi refused. "That's not what I wanted to hear. You're too nice and that is what I'm afraid of. Your kindness is going to put you in danger."
"Then what do you want from me?" I replied in annoyance.
"I want you to punish me." Levi pleaded, which I find surprising because when did he start becoming vulnerable around me? I thought this was interesting so I had to come up with a clever idea.
"I want you and Viktor to apologize to each other."
Levi thought his ears were deceiving him, but he could sense I was being serious. "He was the one that grabbed me first. Is he more important to you?"
"Again, Viktor and I are not a thing," I explain to him truthfully and Levi let out a soft sigh, feeling a bit relieved for some reason. "I know he put his hands on you first, but fighting your comrade is not right. You're our captain."
"But when you got in the way between us, he couldn't stop his fist in time before knocking you out." Levi lets out a shaky breath because of how pissed he is with Viktor still. He takes a moment to think about his action from earlier and I use my fingertips to brush over the sharp pain on my temple. "Well I'll admit, it was my fault for doing something so foolish. I was just doing it to protect you and stop Viktor."
"Yeah, that was stupid alright because I would've stopped him myself." Levi noticed my ears turning red in embarrassment. "But your gesture tells me that you care for me."
I finally let my guard down by gently turning in bed to face him, taking his calloused hand into my own. Such strong hands he has... "I'm sorry, Levi. It's my fault for not spending more time with you."
"Stop pitying me. I'm not lonely..."
"You're terrible at lying you know." I grinned weakly. "You used to avoid me, but no matter what, I will stay by your side."
"Tch. I should just put you in a coma right now." Levi teased and he was a bit happy this time. "But fine, I will apologize to Viktor privately after this. How's your head?"
"Much better." I gave him the most reassuring smile which made his eyes light up a bit in relief.
"But he left a bruise..." Levi feels guilty for letting all of this happen to me and I shake my head to reassure him once again.
"At least my brain is still in one piece." I laughed a little and Levi is trying his best not to smile. "I promise I'm not mad anymore, Levi. I understand why you said those things to me."
"I'm sorry for saying all those horrible things. You should know by now that I am not a nice person." Levi reminds me, but I do not believe it.
"Are you hearing yourself right now?" I laugh at his pitiful words. "Thanks to you... I learned how to protect myself. You've taught me how to survive and I look up to you, captain."
Levi laughs at the last word. "I'm sure we both know I am more than just your captain."
I blink in curiosity because this is something that I've been wanting to ask for forever. "So, what are we?"
Levi was hesitant to answer, so there was an awkward pause between us. "I don't know how to put this, but you're the only person in my life who respects me for who I am. I guess you can say we are more than just companions?"
I still do not understand, but I can feel hope swelling up inside of me. A part of me does feel bad because he has trouble conveying his feelings through words and his fist is the only language he is fluent in. As long as I remain patient for him, he will eventually confess what he truly feels deep down.
"Sina, what is wrong with me? Even if I know that nothing is happening, I just feel like something dangerous will happen between us." Levi shows a slight concern, obviously overthinking it so I give his hand a tight squeeze.
"That is why we must live. That is the only way to protect each other."
Levi is embarrassed for the first time. "I don't understand..." he pauses. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
I give him the most innocent smile that brings light to the room. "No reason. That's just who I am. Maybe it's because I feel bad for you?"
He then pulls his hand away from my grasp and crosses his arms in disgust. "Go the fuck to sleep already. Do I need to knock you out myself?"
"Fine, I will. But one last thing."
"What?" Levi groans at me, rushing me to speak so he can go about his day by apologizing to Viktor as he promised.
"You're misunderstood, but Viktor is a nice person."
"Tch." Levi then leaves the room without saying farewell, but that is quite alright. He will understand eventually, but I do need my peace so close my eyes to rest some more. Not long after, I hear a knock at the infirmary door, and to my surprise, Erwin walks in. "My apologies, Sina."
"Commander." I attempt to sit up, but he gestures to me to stay still and stands right next to me.
"Are you feeling alright? First, your arm. And now your head..."
"Oh, I feel quite better after talking with Levi," I reassured him, but Erwin did not buy it.
"I am truly disappointed in him. His actions were very unprofessional and as his commander, I will have him disciplined privately." Erwin said in a serious tone and this is a side of him I have never seen until now. He can be quite stern.
I put a hand over my heart to confess my feelings. "Commander, I understand that you are upset with him, but the reason why he is acting this way is because of me." I held eye contact with him to make sure he was fully listening. "I trust Levi. Regardless of what he did in the past, he's putting his life on the line to protect me, so please don't be harsh on him."
Erwin stood in silence until he took a deep breath. "I feel his sincerity ever since he found you." This made him reconsider the consequences and then he finally nods. "Alright, but whatever happens, just know I set limitations for him as a commander." Most importantly, his closest comrade.
I appreciate his concern, but I also feel a sense of worry coming from him if Levi and I ever lose each other. All he wants is the best for both of us.
⚔︎
Dawn comes around and today is another expedition for the Survey Corps. Of course, I will not be going because of my injuries, but I am getting discharged from the infirmary within the headquarters. I will be bidding my farewell soon before Levi and everybody else leave for Wall Maria to fight against the titans once more. I want to leave with them, but I also do not want to be a burden for Levi.
In the infirmary, I take off my sleeping gown to change into my casual clothes which consist of a plain shirt and a long skirt that goes down to my shins. While putting my shirt on, I hear a male voice call out my name right outside the infirmary.
"Oi, Sina!"
At that very moment, the door swings open and my eyes lock right onto Levi's as he barges into the room unannounced. Right where I stand, I am half-naked with only my undergarments on and Levi pauses, trying to keep a straight face as he slowly closes the door. I can hear him shuffling down the hallway and his voice echos, "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...fucking great. Another reason why I'm going straight to hell."
After being fully clothed, I take a seat on the bed behind me and raise my legs to hug my knees. I lowered my head to hide the small smile on my lips. The uncomfortable chest pains from yesterday were replaced by a surge of giddiness. It felt unusual, but I liked it.
Not long after, I stand outside in front of the Survey Corps Headquarters to see Levi and the rest of the squad before their departure. In the center of their formation, the supply wagons are stuffed with all the necessary food, weapons, and other supplies for the long expedition. Abel and Zaiya were getting on their horses, and as for Viktor, he dared not to acknowledge my existence because of yesterday. The guilt on his face remains, so that is when I walk up to him with a genuine smile. "Good morning, Viktor."
Viktor sees me approaching but does not want to look into my eyes. "About yesterday... I'm sorry," he says genuinely. "Do you still consider my presence to be... harmful?"
"Such a question is a waste of time." I teasingly give him a gentle punch to his chest. "And that question is also redundant."
Viktor cracks a smile until Levi clears his throat to interrupt us. "Let's go, Viktor. Abel and Zaiya are ready as well."
"My soldiers! We must depart now!" Erwin shouts after getting on his horse, then cracks the reins to move forward. Hange waves at me with the biggest smile. "Bye Sina!"
I can tell she is excited to see more titans, which I find her titan fetish kind of odd. How does she have this much energy in the morning?
Levi was the last person to hop onto his horse and throw on his Survey Corps cape. The Wings of Freedom on the back looks breathtaking in the morning light and it looks even better when Levi is wearing it. His head turns back to look at me standing behind his horse and as we hold eye contact, I admire how handsome he looks as humanity's strongest soldier.
"Do not leave the headquarters, got it?" Levi orders me once more and I give him a playful salute by slamming my right fist to my chest. His usual cold demeanor reappears on his face and he rolls his eyes at my childish act. Come on, I was just trying to lighten up the mood before you all leave.
As they moved forward, I knew Levi's heart was trying to tell me something, but he couldn't say it himself. I will survive because I have something to protect.
I watch them disappear into the horizon and slowly, I place my hands over my heart. For some reason, it is pounding faster than normal. I think the reason why is that I stopped myself from embracing Levi before he left. I now regret not doing so, because who knows when they will come back and who will come back alive. Surely Levi and the squad will return safe and sound, no doubt.
And now I wait here for their return.