I stagger out of his car and thank god I was able to hold back the throw up that kept fighting its way up my throat throughout the entire car ride back to my place.
Once I'm out the car I take in the fresh air, and the cool breeze finally hits me allowing me to relax for a brief moment, but then another round of vomit escapes me and I'm throwing up on the sidewalk now.
'Fuck.' Timmy curses under his breath, holding me back from falling over and leading me through the open gate. 'Still feel sick huh?' He asks and I nod, letting him guide me up to my apartment.
I'm wobbly and dizzy, my head spins and I press my palm onto my forehead, trying to ease the ache somehow. Timmy's hand is around my waist, his eyes are trained on me, making sure I'm okay. That I won't trip, topple over or throw up again. I cherish this, because it might be the last time he outwardly shows any care or affection for me. It might be the last time he looks at me like this ever again.
In a few days, when we're at school, when I'm sober and aware I know he's going to put up a wall again, just like I put mine up for him. I know he'll go back to wishing I didn't exist. That we never met again. That I never broke his big beautiful heart.
But it's better this way. For me and for him. We both get what we want. Timmy gets to go to his dream university without me holding him back and life gets made easier for me because I won't have to be hurt when he's gone. Because by the time he leaves I'll be strong enough to endure it.
I'll be prepared.
We get to my door and once Timmy knocks on the harsh wood the door flings open. 'Ella thank god-' Aaron pauses once he catches sight of Timothée with his arm wrapped around my waist. He furrows his eyebrows at us but he doesn't question it, he only helps Timmy lead me inside.
They sit me on the couch and as Aaron sits beside me Timmy walks over to the kitchen to fetch me a cup of water. Once he hands it to me I giggle. 'Water?' I scoff. 'Kinda hoped you'd grab me some vodka to be honest. I need something strong to numb the pain.' I don't know why I said that but I did, and I see something flash through his eyes.
Hope? Reassurance? Maybe he's happy that I'm feeling pain, because pain means guilt and guilt means I feel remorse for "cheating" on him. I'm not sure what's he's thinking right now. But the look in his eye goes away instantaneously and he stands up once again to grab me some pain killers.
'Here.' He says handing them to me. 'Take this, trust me it's better than vodka.' I do as he says, because I need to feel better. I need a solution. My heart aches so painfully and I need something to numb the pain in my heart. Even though I know the painkillers won't help me I still pretend they do.
I pretend they'll cure the heartache.
'Thank you.' I say, swallowing them down. The two boys stare at me. Aaron with concern and Timmy with confusion written all over his face. They ask me how I am, they tell me to rest my head on the couch but I refuse.
'I- I think I want to lay on the bed. The couch isn't as comfy.' Aaron nods, standing up to help guide me there but Timothée beats him to it.
Once I stand up I feel dizzy, and on the verge of collapsing on the floor and giving up completely. But Timmy's hand is around me, the way it always is to steady me. I feel safe in his arms. I always feel safe in his arms.
He leads me to my bedroom and sits me on the bed. Immediately I flop onto my back and close my eyes, letting my cheek sink into the soft pillow.
I can feel him taking off my shoes gently, I would do that myself but I don't want to move right now. The bed is way too comfy, and I'm so tired and exhausted because I haven't slept well in days. I've been wide awake, the pain in my chest making it hard to sleep.
He gets me under the sheets and he tucks me in thoughtfully. I manage a simple grin once I look at him and as I'm about to flutter my eyes shut and fall into a peaceful slumber he finally speaks.
'Ella is it true?' He ventures. 'I just have to ask again. Is it true what you said last week, did you really sleep with Drew?' I see what he's doing, he's taking full advantage of this vulnerable moment.
I'm a drunk, miserable, pathetic mess right now. And he's standing over me as I'm tucked into my bed waiting for me to deny it. He's looking at me with those big eyes, trying to put me in a trance, trying to break me but I won't fall for it.
I won't crack.
He wants me to tell him the truth, he wants to believe me. To stop hating me, to stop avoiding my eyes at school and ignoring my presence. He wants to kiss me again just as much as I want to devour him. But I won't do it.
'Yes.' I answer. 'I- I went to him, the day after I had dinner at your place.' I stutter. 'We talked all night and things escalated really fast.' I see the pain that flashes through his eyes so I look away from him, if I want to do this I need to avoid his gaze. 'He said he loved me.' I continue. 'He said he'd never leave me like you did.'
I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the last bullet I'm about to shoot him with. 'And I love him too.'
Timmy winces and he shrinks back as he hears the words that escape me. Then he nods quickly before looking away from me and turning his eyes toward the wall instead. He stays like that for a minute, before turning back to face me, his eyes red and no longer dry.
'Goodnight Ella.' He grimaces.
'Goodnight.' I murmur before somehow falling into a deep sleep.
***
My chest feels tight.
I feel like I'm going to faint and it isn't due to how hungover and exhausted I feel at the moment. I replay the conversation I just had in my head, listening over and over again to the words that escaped the interviewers mouth just minutes ago.
My head throbs and I need to leave the building immediately before I collapse in front of so many people.
I exit the premises. I'm outside now, the air awakens me and a surge of adrenaline rushes through me, overwhelming me even more. Before I know it I see Aaron's rusty black car and his nervous expression and he's walking towards me but I turn the other way.
He clears his throat. 'Ella how'd it go?' He asks, with fear written all over his face. I don't reply. 'El is everything okay? Did she ask you the questions you practiced?' I'm speechless, I'm frozen.
I've never been more confused in my life.
Aaron keeps prying me and urging me to answer him but all I do is turn to face him again and stare so shockingly at him. 'They-' I start but I feel a lump in my throat. 'Th-they said-' I stutter and my heart thumps harshly in my chest.
Aaron places his hands on both of my shoulders and shakes me slightly. 'Ella spit it out.' And I finally swallow. Taking in a deep breathe and letting it out.
'They gave me the scholarship.' I blurt out and before I know it I'm in Aaron's arms, squeezed so tight by him that I genuinely cannot breathe. I have to tap him a few times so he can finally let go of me.
'I KNEW IT!' He yells, punching his fists in the air. 'I FUCKING KNEW IT.' And he's hugging me again lifting me off the ground and spinning me in circles.
I'm so hungover from last night and I'm extremely nauseous at the very moment but I still let him hold me, hug me, spin me in circles and tell me how proud he is of me. Because I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. I doubted I'd be able to get here but I made it.
I finally made it.
'Mom would have been so proud fo you.' Aaron beams, pressing a kiss on my forehead. 'I wish she was here, to see how far we've gotten.' I see a tear drop out of my brothers eye and I wipe it away before it can reach his chin.
'Me too.' I whisper and Aaron grins somberly at me. 'I miss her.'
'Come on.' He says reaching for my hand and pulling me towards his car. 'Noelle and Sam are waiting for us at home. Let's surprise them with the great news.'
***
I feel better, happier.
It's doesn't feel like the end of the world for me anymore.
I see a future for myself. One where I'm healthy, happy and successful. A future that I can prosper in, and find peace with.
My scholarship to NYU is ensured. I'm going to move into one of the dorm rooms with a girl I still haven't met yet and I'm leaving Aaron at the apartment alone.
I know he'll miss me but I also know he'll finally be able to relax without me around to bother him all the time. He won't have to take care of me anymore, or worry about my whereabouts and my mental state. He'll finally be at peace without me.
And I'm glad.
Noelle's going to Columbia, so I'll still be seeing a lot of her and Sam's going to Chicago. As for Timmy, I haven't spoken a word to him since that night in my bedroom, when I fibbed and made up some stupid scenario telling him how I enjoyed sleeping with Drew.
How I didn't regret it.. and how I loved him.
He believed me, which was obviously my intention. But still, it hurt to know I was that convincing. That he really found me capable of doing such horrid things to him.
Getting him to hate me has definitely worked perfectly though, because he's a closed book now. I don't have to avoid him in the halls because he avoids me. I don't have to fight over seats with Halie because he makes sure there's no empty seat beside him for me. I don't have to lie to him or stumble over my words anymore because he won't talk to me anyways.
He hasn't smiled in a while. And I know that's my fault.
But it'll all pass soon. California is going to be a new chapter for him. He's going to love it there, make new friends and maybe find someone who can love him like I did.. or even better than I did.
But I'm not her. I'm not the girl he's meant to be with. She's somewhere in California. She probably goes to school with him and she won't ever have to break his heart like I did. Drew was right, maybe we weren't meant to last.
I need to focus on my own path now, and make sure I don't deteriorate his. But I will admit I still love him. I haven't stopped loving him. I still think about him before I go to bed, and he's the first thing that crosses my mind when I wake up in the morning.
I still wear his hoodie when I long for his scent, and replay the voicemails he left on my phone just so I can hear his voice. I still watch him from afar during classes and think of him when I pass by his block.
And I always put myself in his shoes, remind myself how he must feel to be left by me. Crushed by me. Struck in the heart by me. And I shed many tears over how much I must have shattered his heart.
I didn't want to. But I had to.
'I'm so nervous.' Noelle squeals squeezing my hand. 'Are you nervous because I might shit my pants up there.' I smile letting go of my thoughts and letting out a giggle as I watch Noelle look up at the podium with a glint in her eye.
I wonder if I should feel nervous. For some reason I'm not. I'm surprisingly calm as I sit there with my two best friends in our blue gowns with our graduate caps on smiling as we wait for them to call out each of our names.
I lean towards Noelle, smiling brightly at her. 'Don't be nervous. Be happy, we finally made it to this day Noe.' She nods squeezing my hand even harder and I feel Sam put his arm around me and snuggle me close.
'I can't believe I'm graduating to be honest with you.' Sam jokes, and Noelle snickers in response.
'Yeah me too. I really thought you would end up on the streets but who knows.. maybe one day-' before she can finish taunting him Sam flicks her from behind me and the two of them playfully wrestle as I sit in between them.
I listen to Noelle laugh and I watch Sam smiling at the sound of her laughter. It warms my heart and I wrap my arm around the two of them and pull them close.
'I love you guys so much.' I beam. 'Let's stay like this okay? Even after graduation, even after summer's over and we all go our separate ways let's not change.' A ruffle of my hair from Sam and a kiss on the cheek from Noelle tells me they both agree.
Our names are called, and I'm still not nervous. Noelle's name gets called before the two of us and she sends both me and Sam a terrified look before jolting up and heading towards the stage. 'She probably peed her pants on the way up.' Sam jokes and I nudge him slightly as I admire the smile my best friend wears as she receives her diploma.
Noelle shakes the directors hand way too enthusiastically and I can't help how watery my eyes get as I watch her. I'm about to shamefully hide my eyes but then I hear Sam sniffling beside me and I couldn't hold back my curiosity. I eye him and study his face, only to find him hiding his face from me and wiping away his tears.
'Sam are you crying?' I ask, whilst pouting at him to make at least the tiniest bit of a mockery out of him. Sam shakes his head.
'No.' He whines still refusing to look at me with tear filed eyes and I hug him tightly because I can't help how heartwarming it is that he's crying over Noelle as she joyfully and pridefully smiles at us from up there. It's such a beautiful moment but the smile I wear fades once another name is called.
'Timothée Chalamet.'
Sam finally moves his hands away from his face and instead he holds me close sensing my sudden change in emotion. I stare up at the stage watching Timmy walk up there and accept his diploma.
He manages a simple grin but that's all. Nothing more. He isn't beaming with happiness, or smiling till his cheeks hurt like Noelle did. And I can't help it when the pain of it all kicks me hard in the chest. Sam looks down at me. 'Hey.. I know it must suck for you, to not be the one cheering him on. But don't forget you're doing this for his sake too.'
I look at Sam and he seems to genuinely believe that what I'm doing is for the better. I sigh. 'I know, but I hate how much I'm hurting him in the process.' I admit and Sam rubs my arm up and down, nodding in reply.
Our little moment ends once Sam's name is called and I squeeze his shoulder slightly before he stands up and joins Noelle on stage. As I wait patiently for my name to be called I can't help but turn around and scan the audience for Aaron.
I find him when he waves happily at me from about ten rows back, with Drew beside him sending me a smile. I wave back at the two of them and seeing the pride on my brothers face makes me calm down once again. 'Ella Myers.' My name is called and for a short second I'm glued to my seat but then a voice in my head tells me to stand up and I do.
I'm walking to the stage, I'm surprised I don't trip and embarrass myself and once I shake the directors hand and get handed my diploma I'm reunited with Noelle and Sam once again. I clear my throat. 'Honestly, I think it's me who just shit my pants.' The two of them snicker and I can't help but do the same.
We did it. I did it.
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I know this chapter might have seemed a little bit rushed but that's because I still have big plans for this story.
So sorry for such a bad chapter but next one is going to be better and longer, I promise <3