-Will probably upload tomorrow or later as well, as being isolated means more time to write. I hope everyone is being safe!
After my midnight revelation, I started to spend a lot more time staying overnight at Jackie's. She wasn't bothered, she liked that I wanted to have more overnight stays. The first time after I spent that night with Mio, I went downstairs only to test whether she'd be there again. I slipped out of Jackie's room after she fell asleep and went down quietly. And she was sitting there again. Book in hand, leg crossed over. She saw me and smiled, and I smiled just as wide, knowing there was a possibility she'd been expecting me.
She didn't ask, but I told her: "I couldn't sleep again."
She nodded for me to sit beside her and we talked again for hours. But I stopped making excuses eventually, because she just knew. A couple of times I came down before she did, and she stopped bringing her book, knowing I would be there to talk to her. Those nights, tucked away from the world in the dim living room, I felt peace in my life. But only for a few hours, then every other minute was filled with confusion.
I asked so many questions about romance, and all the answers I was given, I tried to use to base my confusion on. I made myself a mental, and physical, romantic checklist, which I was trying to tick off every time I spent time with Mio. It seemed pathetic when I really thought about it. But, the only person I could talk to about my new complicated thoughts was me. Though, one day, Jackie discovered the checklist during our lunch break while we were sat in Ms. Bisset's classroom.
With a mouthful of sandwich, she absently flicked through my notepad I always had out on the desk. It wasn't for class work or art projects, more for doodling and for thought tracking. She wiped the back of her mouth before talking,
"What's this then?"
I glanced from the window to Jackie, then stared down at the notepad. She'd opened it to the page I'd listed with emotions and romantic associations.
I snatched for it but she pulled it to her chest and grinned. "Hey! Why can't I see?"
"It's just... mine." I chewed the inside of my cheek. "It's embarrassing."
"You have nothing to be embarrassed of around me." Jackie smiled, looking back down at the open pad. "Romantic checklist, huh?"
"Alright, alright, don't read it out loud" I mumbled, seeing that Ms. Bisset was smiling over at us from her desk.
Jackie went quiet as her eyes scanned down the list. I was trying to think of the things I'd ticked off on there. I'd ordered it in level of seriousness, starting with things like 'the butterflies' and 'wanting to be close to them'. Then, towards the bottom, where I could see Jackie's eyes falling to, were some other things I'd known about from girlish chatter. Jackie looked up from the list at me and smiled teasingly.
"I see you've started reading that book I got you." She said.
"Oh, you're an idiot. I'm not that clueless." I sighed, watching her laugh at my defensiveness.
"You are that clueless."
"Just because I've never been in love doesn't mean I'm clueless. I'm older than you!" I pointed at her, trying to subtly slide my notepad back to me.
She picked it up off the desk again. "And you're still a virgin."
"And you're not?" I retorted.
She shrugged coyly. "Who knows?"
"You're evil for being so secretive."
"And you're evil for not wanting to show me this!" She looked down at the desk again. "Is this about Giana?"
For the first time, I felt complete relief at hearing that name. Lying to Jackie wasn't okay, but the thoughts I were having about her mother were worse. It made lying the only option I had. I didn't want Jackie to start pressing me or getting excited about the possibility of Giana and I, but it was a distraction from the other confusing thoughts I'd been having.
I nodded.
"So the checkboxes are like what you've felt or what you want?" Jackie asked.
I shrugged, not knowing what to say yet. "Want, I suppose. At the moment."
I remembered that I'd ticked three of the top basics: thinking about them, stomach fluttering, wanting to be around them excessively. I was still working on the stupid list at that point, but after talking about it with Jackie I wanted to scrunch it up and throw it away. The list was childish; it was physical proof of my inexperience. I didn't like looking at it.
The bell that signified the end of our break sounded, and Jackie jumped up, knowing her lesson was on the other side of the building. She pointed at me as if I was being scolded.
"We will continue this later. Coming over?"
I would've said no so I could've avoided talking about the list, but staying the night meant seeing Mio. "Yeah, sure, I'll pop home first for my bag though."
She had dashed out of the classroom before I'd even finished my sentence, and after she closed the door, I remembered that Ms. Bisset was still sitting at the front. I looked at her and she smiled back, shaking her head - her actions reminding me of Mio. Maybe I just had an affinity for older women.
After the day finished, I went from school straight to my house without Giana and Jackie. Jackie I would see later on, but Giana I was kind of avoiding. Since my birthday, our interactions had been awkward and I'd been looking for any way I could to get away from her. As unkind as it sounded. Everything with women just felt all too complicated.
My bike was chained up in the front yard, the back wheel sagging slightly, due for a tire pumping. My dad's car was parked up in the street though, meaning his day had ended earlier than usual. I felt sometimes I didn't see him as much as I should've, and I really should've. He was my only family member.
I came in through the front door, kicking my shoes off by the mat and tossing my rucksack down beside them. Straight through the thin hallway, I saw the back half of my dad leant over the counter, presumably looking at something.
"Hello. I'm in." I called, trailing through into the kitchen.
"Good day, chickpea?" He asked, turning to smile at me in greeting. In front of him on the counter was a piece of scrap paper with something scribbled on the back in his unintelligible handwriting.
I opened the fridge, then closed it when I realised there was nothing to snack on. "Yeah, was alright. I'm going to Jackie's in a bit."
He just nodded, and I saw then that something was troubling him. The brightness to his downturned eyes was dull and absent, his lip corners drooped and his leg bounced. I knew before he would say anything, that she'd made her appearance again in some way or another. She was trying again to rip my father apart at the seams.
"What's happened?" I questioned, trying to look him in the eye.
He sighed. "Your mom's been arrested in Jacksonville."
"So? She's in Florida. That's her problem." I snapped. "Whatever it is, I'm sure she deserves it."
My dad, like the kind man he was, looked like he didn't agree with me. He wouldn't badmouth my mom, even after everything. "She wants me to pay her bail money."
"Don't give her anything." I clenched my itching fists at my hip.
"Norah... She needs help." Dad exhaled sadly.
My eyes must have been bulging out of my head. "Don't give her anything! She deserves jackshit -"
"-Language, Norah!" My dad interjected.
"What will giving her money do? She'll just keep going on her 'vacations' and leeching off of us! This is the point where you stop, where we stop. No more money, no more contact.You don't deserve this dad." I pleaded with a wobbly lip.
I knew he didn't want to agree with me, but he didn't. I could see it in his wavering expression, in his worn face. He knew what I was saying was the best solution, but he was strangely bound to my mother. They'd been together since they were teenagers and they still hadn't divorced. Their marriage was trapping him.
"You really feel like the adult of the house sometimes." He said.
"I am an adult."
"I know that."
"Dad. Please listen to what I said." I implored.
He rubbed his brow. "I know. I did, I am. We can't afford it anyway. It would have come out of your college fund."
I frowned. "Don't even think about it."
"I wasn't going to! It's just... she's still my wife, Norah. And your mom."
I shook my head, curling my lip. I had no loyalty to that woman.
"Don't hate your mom, Norah." My dad said, letting his head hang slightly. I stepped forward and gave him a hug, sighing against his chest. But, I said nothing in reply. I couldn't tell him that I would try or that I wouldn't hate her. Because I knew I always would.
The conversation with my dad left me annoyed for the rest of the day. On the way up to Jackie's place, I almost turned around and went home, fearing I'd ruin the night with my irritation. But, I turned up, not wanting to be the friend that cancels last minute and figured I'd just lie with Jackie quietly all night, knowing she wouldn't really think anything of it.
One thing I thought would ease my annoyance slightly was Mrs. Reed opening the door to me. But even that didn't happen. I knocked, held my breath for a few seconds and exhaled in disappointment when I saw Jackie standing there, crunching on an apple.
"You okay?" She asked, narrowing her eyes.
I nodded, smiling. I did so convincingly so that she'd let me step through without question. And she did after a second.
While slipping off my shoes by the inside doorway, I glanced ahead only to see that the kitchen was empty, and I sighed again.
"What's got you sighing so much?" Jackie asked, stopping me by my arm. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good, Jacks." I assured her. "Just super tired."
"Okay, well, don't just fall asleep on me now. There's still lots to talk about." She grinned, walking through, towards the stairs.
I realised as I followed behind her that she was talking about the list and the notepad, and I thanked God that I hadn't brought it with me. If I had, I would've faced a bombardment of questions all night long.
But it ended up being not so bad, as after a few hours, Jackie grew tired and quiet. I heard the moment Mr. Reed came through the front door, and the moment he closed the bedroom door to go to sleep for the night, most likely with Mio beside him. Maybe wearing that nightgown I'd seen her in a few times, kissing him goodnight, lying in his masculine arms like a good wife. And he'd smile and sleep well, knowing he was a lucky man.
But thinking about Mio and her husband made me doubt that Mio would go downstairs that night. I started thinking that she definitely didn't want to sit with me then. I kept forgetting she was a married woman, but my thoughts and feelings were so overpowering and loud that I found that factor easy to ignore. Despite my worrying, around midnight, I still got out of Jackie's bed and left the room quietly.
Like always, Mio's bedroom door was closed and no light was drafting from under the gap. The house was asleep, and I assumed including her. So, I decided I would just go into the kitchen, get water and go back up to bed. Just as if I was checking.
Barefoot, I crept down the hall, running my fingertips along the wall in the darkness. On the stairs, I worried I'd slip. I could barely see past midway down and my pyjama pants were oversized, with the legs of them pooling around my feet as I walked. I was thinking about my dad alone that night. I was hoping that he wasn't, in isolation, considering bailing my mother out of jail. I knew he would be thinking about it, but I was praying he'd listened to me.
Behind me, a door opened and I held my breath, hearing my heart thrum in my ears. I kept walking down to the bottom of the stairs, pretending I hadn't heard it. The downstairs light flicked on.
"Norah." I heard Mio's soft voice from the bottom of the stairs.
I turned to look at her. She was in her usual nightgown, robe crossed over her bosom. She was smiling at me. I thought maybe she'd been thinking of coming out at the same time, waiting for Jackie's door to open to come to me. That's what I wanted to imagine was true anyway.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I nodded, watching her walk from the bottom of the stairs. In the light of the room, I saw her wedding ring glint. The shine off of it made me feel incredibly guilty for everything I'd been thinking. Being friends with my best friend's mom was strange enough, but my romantic thoughts about her were too much. She was a married woman for crying out loud. And I was her daughter's friend, and an idiot.
I realised I hadn't said anything for a minute when she spoke again,
"Is something bothering you?"
I decided to be honest about my rough evening. "I think I jinxed my life by talking about my mom the other night."
"Jinxed?" She repeated, confused.
"Like I manifested her back into my life. She got arrested in Florida and she's begging my dad for money to get her out." I said, still standing in the centre of the living room. "And I'm worried that my dad will make a mistake."
"You think he'll give her the money?" She asked.
I nodded.
She waved over at the couch. "Let's sit down, come on."
"If he does give her the money," I sighed, "it'll be out of my college fund. There's nothing else."
"He can't do that. Have you told him that?" Her eyebrows were furrowed as she looked over at me. We were sitting on the loveseat again, our legs a few inches apart. Hers were crossed over and angled in towards me, in the way that women cross their legs to show you they're listening.
"I've told him. Strictly. But now thinking about it, I'm not so sure he'll stick to it." I said. "I'm hoping he won't do it."
"Have faith in your dad. I'm sure he'll have listened to you. You two are close, aren't you?"
"We are. But, that woman's all it takes to tear us apart. She's where our views split." I paused and looked down at our legs. "Sorry, for jabbering on about myself."
"Actually, I can relate. Except it's with my dad and my sister, not quite as similar." Mio told me.
"Really?"
"My dad and I were never close. He hated me, and loved my sister - so whenever we fought about our parents, we were never on the same side." Mio revealed. "I've always wanted a relationship with my dad. I always wanted to please him. But once I turned eighteen, we were too far apart and when Eddie met me, I was quick to leave without a second thought."
Though our stories weren't exactly the same, there was a familial basis we could relate on. Knowing that Mio and I had somewhere to meet in the middle made me feel like we weren't so worlds apart. She felt closer on the couch then, her legs felt closer, her arms felt closer, I felt I could turn and our noses would brush. I thought, if I leaned a little closer, I would hear the pumping of her heart.
"Would you go back and change anything if you could?" I asked.
She shook her head after a small pause. "I used to think I would change things, if I could. But... not now. Impossible now anyway."
There was hesitance in her voice, like she was conflicted about the present state of her life. All I knew though was that I'm glad she hadn't done anything different.