"I can't believe he's just... gone," Steve whispered. The four of us sat in the car on our way to mine and Bucky's home. Bucky drove, Steve was in the passenger's seat and America and I sat in the back. For the past hour, we had been completely silent as none of us knew what to say in a situation like this.
We were all still covered in bruises, cuts and dirt from the battle but none of us had had the time to wash it off. I just wanted to get home and be with my daughter. The guilt was still nagging at my heart and I hadn't said a word ever since Tony had snapped his fingers on the battlefield.
"Me neither," America mumbled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. The blue streaks that had been there five years ago were still vibrantly present but the brown of her eyes had gone dull.
The car came to a stop in front of our home and I got out. "You guys come in a bit. We need a few minutes," Bucky said softly, turning off the engine.
"Yeah, of course," Steve said, getting out of the car with us to sit down next to America, who still looked horribly grief-stricken.
With Bucky's hand tightly in my own, we knocked on Jeanie's door. I heard the vague sound of footsteps running toward the door and when it was ripped open, our daughter looked up at us with big eyes. "Mommy! Daddy!" she cheered, reaching up for a hug. I lifted her up and tightly held her in my arms, tears immediately pooled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. Bucky wrapped his arms around us and held us close.
***
"Lyra, we want you to meet someone," I spoke up as Lyra sat in my lap, curiously looking at Steve and America who were sitting across from us. "Remember all those stories Daddy and I told you about your Auntie Mer?" She nodded excitedly. "Well, this is her. Go say hi."
I placed her on her feet and she walked over to Mer. "I like your hair. It's pretty," she said shyly.
"Thank you," Mer smiled. "I'm America."
"I'm Lyra," she said with a smile. She turned to her dad. "Can I go play outside?"
"Of course, doll," Bucky said and Lyra ran to the backdoor.
"She likes you," Steve said to his wife, who smiled.
"Anna, can I talk to you for a second?" Bucky asked and I looked up. He only ever used my name when something was up and judging by the tone of his voice, he had something serious on his mind.
"Sure." He got up and I followed him to our backyard where we watched Lyra play with the toy version of Steve's shield.
"Are you okay?" he asked, taking my hands in his.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I automatically said.
He looked at me knowingly. "Doll, I know you're not," he said quietly and I lowered my head, fighting back tears. I didn't want to cry. I was so tired of crying.
"I killed his parents, Buck. And I never got to say sorry," I whispered, struggling to keep my voice from cracking. "For decades, I've killed people without thinking. I followed orders and the memories were wiped from my mind, nothing to worry about." I paused shortly, swallowing thickly to get rid of the lump in my throat. "But then I escaped. And all those memories came back. You know, better than anyone, how much they haunt me. Every second of the day I am reminded of what I've done. What I've caused. But being back there on that battlefield... I don't know, it triggered something."
"What do you mean?" Bucky asked, shifting in his seat.
"I will never be able to make up for what I've done to all those people, Buck," I whispered, the tears finally escaping the corners of my eyes.
"Hey, none of that's your fault. You know that," he said rather forcefully. "It was HYDRA, you would never do something like that on purpose. Or accidental for that matter."
I released a breath. "I know," I said quietly.
Lyra ran up to us. "Mommy, I saw a butterfly!" she called.
"You did? That's amazing!" I said and she crawled into my lap, resting her head on my chest. I ran my fingers through her auburn hair and in no time, she was asleep.
"I can't imagine what his daughter must be going through," I whispered. I pressed a soft kiss to Lyra's forehead and she cuddled closer into me. "She must be Lyra's age."
Bucky nodded softly. "Don't do that to yourself, doll," he said.
"Do what?"
"Beat yourself up over his death. It was Tony's choice to take that gauntlet and snap his fingers. You had nothing to do with that," he said. "So stop blaming yourself, Anna. I hate seeing you like this."
"I'm sorry," I said. "You should get ready. It's only a few hours until the funeral."
"Are you gonna be okay out here?" he asked.
I nodded and leaned my head on Lyra's. "I'll be fine," I said quietly. Bucky smiled, standing up and pressing a kiss to my head. "See you inside."
For the next thirty minutes, I sat with closed eyes as I felt the cool air on my skin. Lyra's soft snores calmed my mind and for a second, I never wanted this moment to end. Lyra's eyes fluttered open. "Hi, baby," I said softly and she smiled. "You okay?"
She nodded. "Where's Daddy?" she asked sleepily.
"He's inside. Wanna go find him?" I asked and she nodded, hopping off my lap and dragging me back inside. When we entered the living room, we found Bucky, America and Steve all dressed in black outfits.
"Anna, why aren't you dressed? We need to go," Steve said.
"I'm not coming," I said as Lyra ran up to her dad. He lifted her from the ground and held her on his arm.
"What? Why not?" Steve asked.
"Tony wouldn't want me there. I won't do that to Pepper and Morgan," I said defensively.
"What are you talking about?" Bucky asked.
"Buck, you know why," I said.
"Anna, listen to me," America spoke up. "You and I share a very similar past. I've killed people too that I never meant to hurt. But the only way to get through that is to live your life as best as you can. You can apologise to Tony by showing up. Pepper will be more than happy to have you."
I lowered my eyes. "She's right, doll," Bucky said softly. "We'll be there the entire time."
I sighed. "Okay," I agreed. "But I don't have anything to wear."
"Allow me," America said, taking my wrist and taking me upstairs. She dug through mine and Bucky's shared closet before retrieving a pair of black leather leggings, a black top and one of Bucky's bomber jackets. "That should do," she said, pushing the clothes in my hands.
"Thanks, Mer," I muttered.
"Hey," she said, taking my shoulders. "You'll be alright. I promise."
I made an attempt at a smile before changing into the black clothes. We headed downstairs where Bucky and Steve were waiting for us. Bucky had dressed Lyra in a black dress and she ran up to me as soon as she saw me.
"Ready?" Steve asked.
I nodded. "Yeah, let's go."