Shooting star
on that night
with the star
cascading down to earth
the wish I made
was so far away
from what I wanted
but I was afraid to wish
for anything else
Relapse
with every relapse
with every cut
I try to come back
I have to believe I am stronger then this
that I can fight this
that my suicidal tendencies
can go away
if not what is the point
of the relapse
then to remember
why I want to live
Wind
the smell of the lake,
the beach,
the river,
the waterfall
brings back
the feeling of cold I enjoy so much,
the wind feels different
my spirit soars,
I feel free,
relaxed,
happy
the sigh of contentment comes out
and I feel
human once more,
re-energized,
alive
re-charged
Step back
driving back and forth
I hold on to the hope
one place will make me feel better
but each place holds it's own demons
but the drive gives me the time I need
to be alone,
to think,
and not be in danger of myself
the long rides,
the blasting of music
so I can't hear myself even breathe
anything to get away from myself for a while
I get home,
to arguments and anger
and I go back,
to isolation and depression
the ghosts
are in every corner
I try to step back
further and further
getting so close to the edge,
about to fall
but you say words that no one has ever said to me
you make me wonder
what do I like about myself,
what don't I?
is it safe to go down that path
of wondering what I don't like about me?
with you it is safe
and then
the final hit,
it's not the mental health issues that are the issue,
it's the suicidal thoughts
the depression is a part of me,
that can stay
it makes me who I am,
but the suicide thoughts are too much
for anyone
and they are not part of me,
because I do want to live,
but living, is so much harder then dying,
yet you make me see
that it is worth fighting for
Hits
this is what happens
when a volcano
meets a hurricane
the mess it makes,
is no where near
the destruction that hits
my blasting lava of emotions,
changing consistency and length,
while you try to navigate
the rapid spiraling storms that hit
we slam into each other
at every break,
and at every turn
we get to view,
that the mess we thought we made together,
is actually pure destruction
yet how is storms,
rain,
and lava
look so beautiful,
and the calm that comes after the storms,
how can that be,
the lightest it has felt
Guest
I am a guest
in this place
and if I had forgotten
how un-included I became,
you remind me
while I am here
sorry my presence here
is a turmoil of regret,
thinking I was gone, but I am back
sorry that my lingering shadow,
reminds you of the life you lost
for having me,
was the biggest mistake of your life,
and staying alive
has been the biggest mistake of mine
books
I hide away
in books,
trying to find the
fictional narrative,
belongs to me somehow,
that the escape
will actually help me
leave,
yet here I am
coming back to you every time
hoping I can grow
the relationship with you,
that I fucked up
but instead you remind me
why I want to run away
and hide,
and never come back
Neglect
I see in her eyes,
all the pain I felt,
I hear in her words
that as a six year old,
she is already feeling
what I used to feel,
and I wish I could help her,
but I know where I was,
and I know that it just got worse,
what can I even do?
Bright Lights
As the waves roll in,
and the wind sweeps my hair,
in every directions,
the sand under my toes,
clings to my skin,
and the cries of the seagulls
pierce my ears,
the cold air,
lights me on fire,
I close my eyes,
tilting my head toward the sun
and I feel free
I have been liberated,
from my darkness,
and I have gone into this new
cold light
the waves cascade,
crashing icy water onto me,
the cold, doesn't numb this time,
the cold contains me, lets me breathe once again
this feels familiar,
and you are standing by my side,
waiting out the waves,
close enough to let me know
you are with me,
and far away enough
that I get the space to relax,
to release all the built up,
the sigh escapes once again,
and I am happy,
lighter,
in this bright new light
Scattered
scatter brained
scattered brain
words tumble
too much
all at once
to process
distraction,
thought,
conversation topics change
in two second intervals
the world seems blurry,
spinning,
the dizziness comes with
headaches,
I'm nauseous,
I feel like I am falling,
is the ground moving as well?
scatter,
distracted,
small details
catch my attention.
you,
there it is
you ground me back to earth,
everything is clearer
Friends
as we hang out
more and more,
and joke about life,
I find a piece within you
and I know it's going to be alright
you make the world seem colorful,
with rose tinted glasses,
and every storm that passes,
I know I am safe in your arms
the longer you protect me,
the longer I know this is my place
along side you, I feel I finally belong somewhere
I think of our conversations,
and we fit.
That scares the shit out of me,
to imagine a life with you,
it's everything I never knew I wanted,
well fuck,
I didn't even want to live past
a certain age,
and yet here I am imagining,
life further, what it'd be like
to have kids and get married,
why can I see a future,
a long term..
thing..
why do I love you in ways
I didn't know I was capable of
haven't I seen
what love does,
love hurts,
whether it's wrong or right
I thought abuse was love,
I thought my parents loved me when they yelled,
when they left, when I got the silent treatment
I thought my parents, loved each other,
that they'd be together forever,
that love can surpass it all
and with every example that passed,
I realized love wasn't real,
that it was something we wish for,
so we can be okay,
like an afterlife,
how can we be afraid of the unknown,
if we make something up,
create a peace for ourselves,
believe and hope that after this,
there is more
with each relationship I have seen,
start and
then stop,
or start,
and stay, becoming a toxic, hateful environment
how can I still believe in it,
how can I still want it,
I thought I had let that go,
given up on that
isn't that what started me,
on hookups, and sex,
knowing there wasn't a lasting partner,
a faithful life?
yet here I am,
begging that you will feel like I do,
that you will love me
in all my damaged self,
that you continue to stay,
even though you don't have to
and that this damaged love
becomes more,
it becomes
a long term love
but relationships aren't perfect,
and sex is meaningful,
and so as our dates go on,
it's better to say
we are just friends
I can't make you trust me,
I can't make you love me,
I can not make you believe any of my words,
I want to keep them locked,
because how do I start a conversation of,
I love you,
for long term, and I want you
forever,
and I never wanted life,
but now I see a future along side you,
and thoughts of living with you,
long term plans,
fall into my heart,
and I don't know how to express that,
except for saying,
I want to make love to you,
but that sounds stupid even to me
so each time I come close to trying,
I say it wrong,
so you'll stop it,
because you are strong, because you have control
and it hurts me each time,
and I can't stop the pain from flooding,
and I can't stop the tears from falling,
because this is me,
opening my heart to you completely,
giving myself to you, I'll let you do whatever you wanted to me
without a single doubt
so you are right, you aren't the one who is scared to have sex,
I am.
But I don't want to be,
I want to, I am just not ready,
and I hate myself for that,
I can push my limits,
with anyone else,
but you make me feel safe,
you make me realize my own worth,
and I want to give you all of me,
but I'm scared
I want you to see,
that I am all in,
that you are who I want,
that I want to be with you,
and I don't know how to tell you that,
how to show you that,
and so I panic,
I go back to the familiar,
and sex has always been
what everyone else wanted,
and that is all I know,
so if it's not that as an action,
a declaration..
how do I let you know..
so..
we are just friends though..
right...
because if not,
I really would love to be your girlfriend..
all the strings attached,
unconditionally,
I love you for you,
and I wish I knew how to express it
and if the time came,
when the friendship boundary
were to break,
and you were to say yes,
I think I would panic
and ask a million times,
if this is what you actually wanted,
because I want you to want it,
I want you to do it because you love me,
not because of any other reason
so
are we just friends,
are we just hanging out,
because I am terrified
of fully opening up,
because this slow open and close,
is enough to make me
imagine a future,
to think about growing old,
everything seems possible with you
and that is nerve-wracking in every way
so,
do you want to be my boyfriend?
I want you, for the long term,
if you want that too, friend.
Month
since the first kiss,
and how you waited it out,
I knew it was you that I wanted,
you didn't see
the behind the scenes,
nor the aftermath
my life changed completely,
tilting on it's axis,
my friends watched me delete,
tons of people,
apps,
websites,
they watched me delete
so much of my life
because you made me better,
since the moment I met you,
since the moment you gave me ice cream for being sad,
since the moment we started talking,
since the moment I touched you the first time,
when I mess around,
risking it all,
for a glimpse of working along side you,
making mistakes,
throwing a work hat,
into a sink
when I let
the three seconds of bravery,
bloom into a friend request,
that grew and grew,
I didn't expect
a sunflower,
from a dandelion seed
yet here I am,
and here you are
and as the quirky, flirting
became awkward, dropping of dishes
it bloomed
and that three seconds
of bravery,
was worth
every day I spent waiting,
hoping you'd notice me,
that I would catch your eye
I didn't know it back then,
that a crush could grow,
into something I still don't know,
into something I have never experienced before.
and the warmth
that envelopes me,
at every sly touch of your hand,
in every wrap of your arms,
I know,
that this is the place,
I finally belong,
and you still remain,
just like before,
the sun