• Tyler •
I didn't know what to feel. The more I thought about it the more I was confused. There was this weird feeling in my body which caused me to be uncomfortable and just overall stunted. I was so in shock that my brain didn't know what to think or what to do.
I was just so fucking confused. Stacy kept on asking about what had happened for me to reach home so quickly but I brushed off her questions and locked myself in my bedroom.
I wasn't homophobic or anything. It's just, I felt awkward. I didn't mean to, I just did.
Frustrated, I ran my hand through my wavy hair before I got up from my desk chair, flopping face-first onto my bed letting out a loud sigh.
He had cried. I made him cry.
This was not okay. I didn't feel okay. I knew I should have said something to him. I should have comforted him not bolted like a wimp. The only problem was that my heart was pounding a mile a minute and my brain seemed to have shut down causing me to have fled the scene.
I didn't mean to hurt him or make him cry but I did. My head swirled with all the possible outcomes the conversation could have led to if I wasn't an absolute idiot who was too scared to comfort his friend who had fucking come out to him.
That's when the realization hit me like a truck of bricks. He didn't just tell me he liked me, he came out to me and I was an absolute prick to him. He trusted me enough to say something which made him so vulnerable and I messed it all up. That seemed to be something which was happening routinely with me ever since I was born. I messed everything up.
I kept on thinking about Luca's voice cracking over and over again. His sobs, his tears soaking my shirt. I did nothing. I did nothing to help.
Did I like him? I never thought about it before. I didn't even know if I liked guys.
I didn't do things like having crushes on people, I was too occupied in self-loathing to even think about another individual that way. I remembered being particularly fond of this girl in my last school because she was one of the only people who were nice to me. I guess you could I had a crush on her.
I didn't even know what it feels like to like someone romantically. The thought had always confused me so I just pushed it to the back of my mind.
But something in me wanted to know if I liked him. I didn't want to like him but I wanted to know if I did. It makes no sense to me either.
So, I decided to something which made me feel like the stupidest person on planet earth. I took out my phone, plugged in my headphones to make sure Stacy didn't hear what I was searching for and went to google.
My thumbs hovered awkwardly over my phone. Finally, I decided to do it.
How do you know if you like someone?
I started scrolling through the results as I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. My head was a mess and I wanted to make sure I didn't like him. I knew this was stupid, but the fact that I had no clue about this stuff scared me. Should I have known? Probably.
I realized how much I had distanced myself from people to get to this point. I didn't even fucking know if I liked someone.
The automated voice read out the things written in the first article.
Feeling happier around the individual. Caring about the individual excessively. Thinking about the individual constantly...
I droned out midway, lifting my hand off the screen stopping the awful drawling of the automated voice. What was I doing?
This was fucked. I kept thinking about how I felt when I was next to him, the feeling of warmth when we hugged, loving the sound of his laugh, his voice, his stutter being the most adorable thing to me when I first started talking to him, wanting to hang out with him, the overwhelming feeling of guilt when I got him hurt, trying to protect him.
I think I liked Luca Ramona.
Fuck.
No, I couldn't possibly like him, I was just overthinking this. Fucking hell. I think I was going crazy. I could hear his voice in my head over and over saying he liked me. Luca Ramona had fucked me up.
I heard my bedroom door creak open causing me to frantically remove my headphones and shut off my phone my cheeks heating up. "You okay, Tyler?" I heard Lucas ask. "Stacy told me you completely ignored her today. Did something happen when you were with Luca?"
My heart was pounding, I took in a sharp breath before I started speaking. "I don't want to talk about it," I muttered.
I heard Lucas sigh before his footsteps approached me, I felt a dip on the end of my bed. "If you don't want to tell me you can tell Stacy, you know. You always tell her what's wrong," he said, softly. I bit my lip as I felt tears stinging my eyes. I felt weird. "Do you want me to get her?"
I sniffled softly. "No," I mumbled, wiping my nose on my shirt sleeve. "Can you please just hold me?"
I didn't know what came over me. My thoughts were going a mile a minute and I wanted them to stop. But it wasn't fucking stopping. Luca consumed every inch of my brain.
Lucas sighed before I heard him climb next to him, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
I placed my head on his shoulder, and he shifted slightly to mess up my hair causing me to let a watery chuckle. "It's going to be okay," he said, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly.
"Why does it always have to be me?" I asked, nuzzling my head into the crook of his neck. He played with my hair but didn't respond. I didn't need a response. It wasn't really a question anyways. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag you into my stupid problems," my voice wavered slightly.
He pulled away softly and I could feel his stern stare. "Don't say that, Ty. You can drag me into whatever bullshit you have going on. I just need you to be okay,"
"I'm sorry," I sniffled as I felt tears stream down my cheeks. I covered my face with my hands, feeling embarrassed to cry in front of him when he didn't even know what was going on.
I didn't even know what was going on. This was all too much for me. I didn't know what to do.
Lucas wrapped his arms around me gently rocking back and forth. "It's going to be okay," he whispered into my hair. I really hoped he was right.
• • •
I know these chapters are small but they're pretty essential to the story. I really wanted to explore how the characters feel during each important decision and curve in their life rather than them going straight to making out.
Anyways,
I hope you enjoyed!
-Anya