Cobe
9:45ish..
"Sooo.... what you mean I seem different?"
I ask as he passes me the blunt. We've been sitting in the car for at least 15 minutes already, but I can't stop thinking about his comment. I'm nervous now because it's been a few seconds and he hasn't answered yet.
"You just different. Yesterday, your energy was vibrant. You seem like your outside is always cool like you are now. But I can tell there's like.... a wild wind inside you right now that wasn't there last night. It's like in a matter of hours your energy just shifted from happy to be alive to damned if I do damned if I don't." He shrugs his shoulders like he didn't just read the fuck outta me. I just look out the window and pass him his shit back trying to seem unbothered by what he said.
"Yeah?"
"Cobe... whats up wichu?" Hes eyeing me hard and I feel like I should spill but I'm nervous to. I can't tell him what's really going on right?
"So you been up in New York nigga? I laugh. Attempting to redirect the spotlight from me to him. I've been to New York a few times with Oz. Them niggas is mad philosophical and he's really channeling their vibe... the way he talks, how he carries himself.
"Yeah... I been up there for a minute dawg but you not gon switch it up that easy baby. I asked you a question Cobe." He drags his blunt while looking at me side ways.
This nigga makes me feel like I'm talking to my father. This the same shit Oz be doing, 'cept he don't smoke weed.... he'a smoke a cig or sum.
I look at him to see if he still waiting and I end up making eye contact with him. Shit.
" ... its a long story bro."I exhale thinking that was enough. But then I look over at him and he's just looking at me.
"Aight! Damn." I prop me elbow up on the window ledge and look down at my lap not wanting to make eye contact when I come clean. It's not that I'm ashamed of myself, but I'm a private ass nigga, plus I've never told anyone before.
"I guess this is good practice for the conversation I'm about to have with my pops in a couple hours..." I start nervously. "Listen man, I like niggas, aight?" I lay it out plain and simple, Cecil isn't one to lie to, I trust him.
Not wanting to tell to much, I decide to only tell him what's happening currently. Cecil nods his head in acknowledgement.
" So I been fucking with this nigga on the low for a while and I ended it for good this time. I blocked him and told him to lose my number but he been hanging around Oz house. I been kickin' it here much as I can while Oz is outta town. But Oz called me this morning and said he been watching his cameras and noticed him. Now he's asking me all these questions and he's coming back into town. I think he knows but I'm not for sure."
My anxiety is trying to take over at this point, but I keep collected on the outside not to show how nervous I am. I'm a grown ass man.
" aight so.... you scared'a this nigga?" Cecil puts out his blunt in the ashtray he pulled out from inside the arm rest.
"I just don't know what he doing. I've seen him do some crazy shit before." I admit.
"Ok. Next question. So you gay?" Cecil asks me. Now he's turned himself in his seat and he's facing me. I keep facing the front window to avoid his gaze.
"Mhm" I feel like I'm being interrogated. This is exactly why I've never told anyone before.
"You been gay?"
"Mhm" now I can feel myself getting defensive.
"Aight. Sooo..." I can tell he got more questions but don't want to make me feel uncomfortable.
"Oz knows?"
"I don't know."
"You ever do shit in his house?"
"Mhm"
"He knows" he says matter-of-factly.
I'm starting to sweat and my bright ass face is probably red with embarrassment now. I sit there motionless starring out the windshield. We sit there quietly for at least three minutes. It felt like ten though because I could feel him watching me. He finally opens his mouth to speak but then pauses..I look at him in anticipation of what he has to say.
"I have a son.... he's in New York. His momma name is Cheyenne. She got pregnant in 2013 while she was here visiting for her family reunion. We met at Belle Isle. She needed a break from her family and I was just getting off work so invited her over. We fucked a few times throughout the week that she was here with her family. Now I got a family..." he trails off.
Shit.
"Damn C. Why you hiding that shit?" I am honestly curious to know why.
"Initially, I was scared to tell my ma. She was so proud of me. I was in college, I had a job, and her most favorite part was that I was a Black man who made it to twenty years old without any illegitimate children." He Is still watching me intently even though we're talking about him now.
"I called my pop one day. I kept in contact with him after I left. But I hadn't told him about my son yet, he only knew that I transferred to a school up there. This particular call tho I was gonna tell him, but I could hear in his voice that he had enough shit on his mind so I decided against it. I finally told him a few years later. I was actually calling to tell baby boy happy birthday but he heard C3 in the background and wouldn't accept the lie I gave him. After I told him the truth, he hung up and we didn't talk again until my moms died."
" why you ain't come back then? You know Colin is still pissed you ain't show up. He sat outside the church waiting for you for hours."
Cecil looks like he wants to cry after hearing that, but he doesn't defend himself or give any excuses, he just sits there playing with the rings on his fingers. He's still watching me though. He sniffles and prepares himself to change the subject back to Cobe.
"What are you gonna tell Oz when he gets here?"
I shrug my shoulders. This time, I'm watching him.
"What did he say on the phone that made you think he knows you're gay?"
"He said ' this is why ion like you having strange ass niggas in my house'. But he said it like I was doing something that hurt him. I don't know"
"You do know. That's your fuckin' intuition telling you that shit. You gotta listen to it."
"Okay.... but then what? I can't deny that shit?! He'a see straight through me. He's never asked me about it before. Ion know what imma say C."
"You speak yo truth Cobe. Thas what the fuck you gon do baby. You good. Don't worry about all that shit running through ya mind right now. You haven't done anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. And Oz loves you bro. Never forget how he took you in as his own son when ya family turned they backs on you bruh. Ion care bout no birth certificate, that man is your father and he won't hate you Cobe."
Shit... I wanna cry but imma hold my shit together. Cecil came home at the right time. I needed to hear that shit.
I look out the window and see Cole walking with Dame across the parking lot. Shit. I tense up all of a sudden feeling the emotions from early this morning coming back up to the forefront. Of course CJ is watching me still... he definitely noticed my shift. I roll my eyes at myself for being so transparent to this nigga. I look over at Cecil and he's raising his brows at me.
"You and Cole left mad early last night.... I had to pay for yal shit." He says trying to slyly bring up the new found conversation piece.
Just then, I see Dame point at the car. He and Cole seem to be arguing for a few seconds, but then they start walking over to the car. I quickly grab Cecils unfinished blunt and spark that shit up. My heart is beating fast as fuck and I got that butterfly feeling in my stomach. I'm scared. I drag and my eyes flutter closed in time for the doors to be opened by my friends. They're sitting in the backseat now. Cecil and Dame greet each other but Cole and I stay quiet.
"Cobe" Cole says leaning up to the front seats. My eyes are still closed and I'm still holding the blunt in my fingers. I reach my hand to Cecil so he can grab it. I can feel Cole's closeness but I don't think he's as close as I think. I open my eyes and look behind me. There's Cole with his black and white bandana wrapped around his fro like a crown. He's holding his head up with his fist and he's watching me, lazily. His eyes are red and I can't tell if he's been smoking or crying. He doesn't usually smoke unless it's just me and him, so I assume it's the ladder. I just stare at him waiting for him to speak. When he doesn't, I look around the car at Dame and Cecil then I turn back around and unlock my phone. I can feel all eyes on me. I open a text from an unknown number but once I see the contents, I quickly flip my phone over almost dropping it on the floor. I put my hand over the lower half of my face, afraid to look up because there's no way someone didn't see that. If no one else did, Cole definitely saw it.
Cole taps my shoulder with his finger. When I look up, I look only at him in fear of seeing the others' reaction. He nods his head towards the door. I grab my phone and we step outside.
I'm leaning up against the trunk of the car looking down at my phone clearing out my recents and he says to me..
"Do you forgive me?" He looks at me with the saddest eyes I've seen on him in a while.
"Cole we're good don't worry about it." I look him in his eyes and we stay there, lost in each other's gaze until I realize that his sadness isn't completely on our situation. I break contact and look at the ground.
"Did something happen?" I ask watching his every move hoping he'll reveal something to me. I can tell he's exhausted and anxious.
" My step-mom passed this morning. I just found out like an hour ago. I gotta go to Atlanta tonight. Can you come with me please?" He asks in a tone I'm not used to from him. Almost like.....pleading. It honestly hurts my soul to see my brother so broken like this. He's taken so many hits the past few years and he's worn out. I reach for his hand and pull him into a tight hug. He starts breathing heavy. Although he isn't making any noise, I can tell he crying. I hug him tighter.
"You ain't even gotta ask me that bro... I'm there. I'll drive you if you want me to. Whatever you need from me.... I got you baby." I say to him in a hushed tone into his ear. After about a minute. He pulls away and wipes his face on his coat sleeve. Then he looks up at me with an unreadable expression.
"Sooo...." he looks at me but not at me more like passed me or something, he's about to ask about the text....
"You actually fuck..... niggas? Like......men.....like gay shit?" He looks at me curiously but also in disbelief. In an attempt to avoid his gaze and his question, I look up at the cars driving by on the street.
"Are you gay Cobe?" He asks me straight up this time.
"I feel like you judging me right now"
"I'm not"
"I know ... but I FEEL like you are." I finally look him in the face. He's watching me but isn't saying anything. I guess he wants me to talk.
"Yeah.... I guess so nigga" I answer more defensively than I meant to.
"Fuck Kwabena, so you was tryna turn me out on some freaky ass shit! You got a thing for straight niggas or sumn? Damn." He says the last word to himself. Although he looks calm, I can tell he's fuming on the inside.
"Fuck you actin like that for nigga? I ain't do SHIT you didn't want me to do Cole. You a grown ass man, I ain't force you to do shit," I look him dead in his eye. When he tries to look away I grab his chin and force him to look my way. He gon hear what I'm saying to him.
"I been like this okay" I say softening my tone so he won't ignore me. He tunes out when someone's yelling at him.
"I started messing wit niggas in high school aight. I ain't on a mission to hurt you bruh. I know it seem like everything and everyone is right now, but I swear I'm not. I've been honest with you. I've never lied to you. If you woulda asked anytime I woulda told you the truth nigga." I say to him looking him straight in his eyes.
"Aight nigga" he huffs out smacking my arm away from his face.
"You said you wasn't judging me" I'm hurt as fuck, this nigga really hurt my fucking feelings.
"How long bro? How long you been plottin' on me?" He starts thinking and I roll my eyes. " You think I'm vulnerable nigga? Easy prey? Easy ass?" Even though we are fighting, we're still using pretty low voices. There's two nosey ass niggas in the car behind us and we're in public.
"Cole stop! It ain't like that at all..."
"You think I'm a bitch cuz I'm all in my feelings and shit? What the fuck Cobe?" Oh, I see what this is now. Another pity ass party he throwing for himself. I start to walk away but then I come back to him and stand as close as I can without looking sus to any on lookers.
"Listen mu'fucka. I'm not bout to play this game witchu. You feeling some type way right now so imma let that shit slide but you dead wrong for that shit." I lean forward so my mouth is right at his ear. I open my mouth to speak but decide against arguing with him any further. I step back at look at him for a cool 2 seconds then I shake my head looking him up and down and walk away.
I get back into the car but quickly decide that I no longer want to be around these niggas. I need to go clear my head before Oz pulls up. I hop out the car grateful that something told me to grab my keys before I walked out of Cole's loft earlier. In route to my truck, I pass by Cole again who is now sitting on the trunk of Cecil's car and I just shake my head resisting the urge to spit at his feet.
When I get into my truck, I start the car to let it warm up. It's cold as fuck outside today. I grab my phone from my pocket and go back to the text message from earlier. I just knew it couldn't be Mohammed sending me nudes since I blocked him yet here he is clear as day. If it weren't for the tattoo of Africa right beside his dick I probably wouldn't have known it was him. He trying too damn hard now.
Fuck him. I think to myself. Because of this ratchet ass nigga, I gotta come out to three people today. I was ready to carry my shit to the grave. This nigga is ungrateful as fuck.
*calling the unknown number*
"Aye, Bitch."
"Funny you called me nigga. I was just thinking about you" I can hear the smile in his voice. Stupid ass.
"What the fuck Mo. You really pissing me off "
"Oh yeah?" He says in a low husky voice. "Tell daddy what you want to do to him" this nigga is off his rocker. I want to hang up the phone but something stops me dead in my tracks. He starts moaning in my ear, that low groaning shit he does when he's trying not to be too loud when we fucking.
"I got shit to do baby.... did you need something from me?" He's taunting me now and that shit is aggravating me because he knows what the fuck he's doing to me right now. Now I can hear him stroking his dick in the background. His moaning is getting louder now, he probably about to break his shit off by how fast he stroking his shit. "Mmmm" he definitely knows what the fuck he's doing to me. And my dumb ass is really sitting on the phone listening to this nigga cum on himself. "I'm bout to come Kwabe fuck! Open ya mouth daddy" and what did I do? I sat there listening until he was done. He finishes himself off and starts to chuckle before he hangs up.
"Dumb Ass" I call myself. I put my truck in gear and pull out the parking lot heading home.