Poured
I poured out
all the words
and the draining feeling
is nothing at all
but empty
Crazy
you can be the crazy
to my psychotic
you can be the sarcasm
to my jokes
you can be the paranoia,
to my black outs
and you can be the real you
to my real me
because you understand,
you get me,
and I get you
in all the crazy messed up world,
with abuse and trauma,
we get each other,
and that's more then anything else
Enough
I am a good person
I remind myself
over and over
hoping that I believe it
when will I see
that having self love
will not take away
loving other people
it is not one or the other
black or white
I am good enough
I whisper
but I can't hear myself
through the cry of someone else's
need for help
Make Love
Make love to me
I beg and call out
And you use that as a joke
While you being
The inky person I thought would take it seriously
I call you name out
Into the wind
But no response comes
I look out into the abyss
It calls my name
And as I try to jump
To finally save myself from the pain
You tie me up
So I can see the jump
But not actually fall in
You think this helps
Hurting me
Instead of just giving me the means
To end it all
You think that what I need
Is your company
I have a friend for that
I need to be able to form a relationship
With trust and love
To be where we were and
For you who went through
What I went through
To love me anyway
To get through the borderline part
Of new relationships
And get to the part
Where I am stable
I can only heal
After that
And this fucking sucks
It hurts like hell
When I want you
And you see me as a joke
Too much of a mess
To even after
You still don't find me good enough
For sex
Wrong
You are wrong
What I wanted to form
Was there
And the insecurities
Got in the way
You pushed me through
I kept seeing the break of day
You saw the happiness spark in me
I know you did
The real me shone through
In the wind and sunlight,
In the jumping of poodles
In the naked arms
How can you see me
Breaking through the ice
Feeling stable
And rip that away
Saying that it's what I need
You are wrong
What I need
Is for you to show me
That I am worth it
That I can form stable relationships
I trust you
You don't hurt me
In ways that I am used to being hurt
You don't use me
In ways I'm used to being toyed with
I just need you to want me
To love me
To show me that I can get through one
Just one fucking stable relationship
That if I try and get past the first hard parts
I can create something more
And that I can get better
But until I make one good relationship
The fear, the depression
Won't ever let me go
No
You say no
While touching me
Cloudying my mind
I lose focus
And all I can see is you
You say no
In between kisses
Breaking me apart
But I can't stop
The rough edges that slice into me
But get soothed by your ice touch
You say no
While holding my hand
Burning me
With every inch of naked skin is touched
And you say no
To my arms bleeding
While you hold the knife
Far away
As long as I start over
And move far away
I can pretend that I'm okay
Until the uninvited fear
Catches up
And I have to move again
And when the time comes
That I run out of places to hide
I will have lost contact with you
And you will not stop me
From ending my life
Happy suicidal thoughts
As the car
Comes racing towards me
And skids away
I find myself disappointed
He didn't ram into me
Killing me
As I cross the street
While looking down at my phone
I am not relieved
As I get to the other side
Unharmed
I want to die
Then I see your face
And I get happy
But as the happiness takes hold
You continue to break my soul
And although I am happy
I am still wanting
Death
You touch me
Holding me while I sleep
Making me feel safe and comforted
And as I wake
To see you resting
I sneak out the door
Because I can't look at you
And say goodbye once again
And I break
Every time I listen my grip
And let go of your hand,
Being the first to let go
Watching you drive away
Begging myself to be strong
Cause every time I walk away
It'll make me stronger
As I make the final jump
So as you sleep
And hold me
And I lift your arms to wiggle out
Remember me as the girl
Who had hope,
Jumped in puddles to make you shake your head and smile
Who pulled her face to the sun
And was happy by the wind in her hair
The one who picked up chickens and cats
Just to make them feel loved
Remember me
As the girl who loved you
Who wanted you to be okay
Not as the girl
Who didn't get close enough to your heart
As to break it yet still managed to leave
Not as the girl
Who had flash backs
In your bed at night
Or made you angry
But remember me
As happy
As someone you wanted to be with
Remember the songs
The laughter
The cuteness that you saw
The smiles
And forget all the rest
Because the end came
And the rest won't ever hurt you
Or pull you away from your life again