“I probably don't sound like myself right now but i don't even feel the same way about the moon, and you're talking about life and all the other beautiful things?” She scoffed.
It pained him. “What are you saying? Are you for real?”
“Why wouldn't i be?” She smirked, a painful one.
“You're kidding me. You, of all people, taught me to love the moon. You, of all people, are the reason why i started to love the moon in the first place. You, of all things beautiful, taught me to see the moon as the strongest one, one who stays alone, through all phases. You're saying this? I can't believe this.”
“...”
“You're right, Rose. You don't sound like you anymore.”
And he left.
He just left.
As if he just got up from the stone wall, from right beside her, and walked away. As if it was just that--the physical walking away. As if moving away from her was so easy.
As if it wasn't walking away--not just with his physical feet but--with the feet that he walked with into her heart.
As if it was that easy.
Was it, though?
It was in the way that his feet moved, away and away, that she saw it--the harsh reality. He was going away. Those steps he took didn't carry the love in them, she could feel it, the deprivation.
Paranoia, you might say.
It was quite hard to believe. She felt gutted--anxious, shocked, and maybe angry, too. It was a horrible mix of feelings, hard to track down. How could he leave me particularly the moment in which i needed him the most? Probably more than i ever needed him? It couldn't be him. I don't believe it's him. I, at least, anticipate a goodbye, even if it's formal.
She was so caught up in shock that she forgot to move and just stayed frozen there until it was getting dark.
It was past dusk when she finally awoke from her own little bubble of disbelief and climbed down the wall. Walking home, she was noticing all the little things in her surroundings, including the moon, and the stars that were his favorite before she came into his life, and drinking in the fact that he was probably gone.
But do you give up on someone you love so easily? Even if they're the ones to have left you? But you also cannot beg them to keep you, can you?
***
It wasn't easy for him to walk away, either; in fact it hurt with every step he took farther away from her.
I'm so useless, he thought. I can't do anything for her. What i really ever did is hurt her, including this time. I shouldn't have affirmed my love for her in the first place, let alone make her love me back. I shouldn't have.
He felt helpless. Frustrated. Useless, you may add. And he felt like such a douche.
[Author's note: The paragraph you just read right here is what really fascinates me about boys (particularly those good at heart, like really good); they usually feel shitty about themselves and douche-y and stuff. And they won't really talk about it, either. (Which is SO annoying when you KNOW what's really going on.) What they don't ever understand is how we see them--we, the ones that truly see their true beauty. What they remain unable to see is their own beauty. The people who love them will try their level best and they still won't be rid of those insecurities. They always remain hiding their true selves. (What concerns me about this is the question ‘why?’) It truly fascinates me. PS: I'm so sorry, i never do these, but this time i literally couldn't resist and had to rant.]
How do i make it upto her? Go back and say i love her and i'm sorry? Or stay away and let her slowly pace back to a peaceful life without me? It was, as it seems, a difficult decision, because both the options seemed equally appealing.
There's no doubt a lot of times we make a lot of wrong decisions because both the options seem ‘equally appealing’ and we assign them each with equal value and weight, hence choosing the easier but destructive one, ignoring some serious assumptions.
He was confronted with a similar decision, and he was also unaware of some important assumptions, one of them being this: she needed him, and nothing could've helped her more than just his existence being a source of solace and hope, more than him just being there for her, with her.
Boys. Sometimes they're so naïve; they always like to act “logical,” unaware that sometimes acting on impulses is actually so important.
He concluded something really stupid, that she'll slowly, finally “get over it.”
As if he knew it was easy, and as if he thought he could get over it, either. Like it was possible, even.
***
Her phone rang with its soft ring tone named ‘mallets.’ And as soon as she got to it, she was dumbstruck.
Rehaan calling..., it said.
Rehaan? After all this time? Why?
“Rose? How are you, my lo--?” he said almost instantly as she accepted the call.
“Fine. How'd you call?” Her tone sounded like she was trying to sound unconcerned about him.
“I'm sorry.” He paused. “I called to say i'm sorry.”
“What for?” she said, giving out an i-don't-care impression.
“For... for everything.” He was trying not to let out the tear that his eye was threatening to give out.
“Ray, it hurts.” A pause. “It hurts to miss you when you chose to left me alone, when all i wanted was just your presence here, with me. Just your presence. That's all that really matters. But you didn't understand, you never will.”
He smiled through the one stray tear that had succeeded to escape his eye. “I'm sorry. For real.”
“Why now? Why after all these days? Why did you ever leave me?”
“I just... I felt like i was not good for you; like i was a toxic person, you know? I thought it'd be okay, that no one can hold onto someone who's been nothing but an ache. I thought you'll move on, too. I thought... I thought it'll be better for you without me. I just...” He paused, and she could hear the sniff he let out as he tried to hold back his tears. “Why do i call you now? Why not sooner? Why wasn't i sorry sooner? Trust me, i was sorry all along, and not for leaving you all alone, but for always being a pain to you. Because, Rose, i only understand now how wrong i was. Because, Rose, after all this time, i still need you. Because i realized i never stopped needing you. I'm sorry. For everything.”
He let out all the tears that were caged in just as he hung up, and hoped she'd forgive him. For everything.
He felt ashamed to show his vulnerability to her.
His phone rang, indicating Rose calling...
“Why did you hang up? Listen, you're doing the same thing again. Do not leave me in between a call, or anything for that matter.”
“...”
“Ray. Rehaan? Are you there?”
“Yeah, listening.”
“Tell me everything. Show me your wounds, cry with me, tell me who you really are. I really wanna know you. Please.”
“It's...”
“Please.”
“I left you because i wasn't brave enough to tell you that i needed you. Like, for real. I hated myself for being the needy one. I just didn't want you to think that i was too weak to ‘man up’. I wanted to be a freaking man, not a coward; but i apparently ended up being a douche.”
“...”
“But Rose, love, i was never happy without you. Whenever i went through difficult times, i needed nothing more than for you to be here. I couldn't help but want you to fly over here, to me. And i realized how wrong i was about leaving you. I imagined how you would feel when i left you, which was exactly how i was feeling. And i knew how painful it is to miss someone you love, especially in times like these. I understood your pain in those moments, i felt it itself. And i felt so sorry. And i am!”
“Thanks.”
“Do you remember how you taught me to love the moon? It was in that moment that i realized even a douche like me is capable of love. I hated myself so much i couldn't look at anything without eliminating the word beauty from my dictionary. But when you walked me to this newfound beauty in the moon, you never realized that it was in that exact moment that i fell in love with you. I fell in love with two beings all the same: the moon, and you. How beautiful is that. How beautiful that you opened my eyes to beauty.”
“This is perfect.” She wiped her tears away.
“I love you. Would you let me annoy you with my questions about beauty for the rest of my life? Would you clear all my doubts about this douche that i am for the rest of my life?”
“Hey, stop calling yourself a douche!”
“That's not the point. Answer my question: would you?”
“But would you talk to me like that for the rest of my life?”
“I can't promise.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Staaaph. Puh-lease.”
“...”
“I'm kidding! Of course as you say! If i'm going to commit myself to you wholly, i will have to. The second name to love is sacrifice, anyway. ” He smiled intensely on his end.
“Listen.”
“Always listening.”
“I hate you!”
He burst out laughing. When he stopped, he said, “Alright, consider this more direct question: would you marry me?” shooing away all her temporary anger.
She blushed. “I'll text you later. Bye.”
“See ya in the park later. Wanna see you, and, of course, your reaction as you say yes. Usual time. Bye, love you, cupcake.”
“Duh, bye.” He laughed as she hung up. She blushed.
Some stories can't help but end at happily-ever-after. This is one of them.
***
In my mind, this story was destined to be a not-so-happily-ever-after. I don't know what happens to the characters born by a writer's imagination that they just force their own destiny when given the life through words?