Cutting Relapse
If I do that
and make a small cut
it will get bigger
and I will relapse
if the blood drips out
it all starts again
I can't cut
even if I want to,
because if I cut
I won't stop,
and I will be back to
square one
Favorite Person
It is scary
to rely
and obsess
over a single person
to hurt them
because you love them
and can not be apart from them
and now that I see the damage I make
Not being able to
die
because that'd hurt them more
but also being in their life
is the biggest torture
ever
because no matter
how much I love you,
you shouldn't be with me
Sunsets
to be with you
from sunrise to sunset
was too much
to ask
for anyone
and that is how I am
too high
and too low
too emotional
and too dead
if the sun is rising
I made it for a new day
and if the sun is setting
you fear that I won't
Vacations
I wish that I
could take a break
from myself
but your vacation
is more worth it
because with me gone
you can focus on you
how can I be with you,
how can you be with me,
if I am a disaster
if this break
shows anything,
I hope it shows me
to be free from myself
and to have you
back
Damaged Love
I love you
in my broken ways
which are unhealthy
and I am stuck
in wanting you
with an obsessive need
to not being able to have you
I can see how I am bad for you
but yet my heart yearns for you
I want you with all individual water particles in the world
but I can not allow myself
to let you go through this,
I can not break you
I can not let this damaged love
become something that kills us both
if I love you,
doesn't that mean
I have to let you go,
for your own sake?
Officially
With every label
that I put
with every time
I call you my boyfriend
I realize
that it is not
the contract part
or the trapped part
that makes me want it
but that you are still afraid of it
I want more
I want to love you
with everything I am,
and everything I have
and I want you to love me too
but unofficially
I am bad for you
Wind and Rain
when the wind blows
my heart soars
and I feel free
when you look at me
and your eyes soften,
your gaze drifts,
and your lazy smile comes out
I soar
but when it rains
and everything takes a hit
I am uncomfortable, soaked, and everything is ruined
yet I can jump in the puddles
faking a glow
but when you
throw your angry words
and they crash over and over
beating into my heart
I fall, and get crushed
Can Not
you cannot be the reason
I live for
that will destroy you
you cannot let me break you
that will break me
you cannot choose
and neither can I
if I let go,
it'll kill us
but if you let go,
it'll kill us too
Relationships
relationships with depression
is hard in itself
the hard days
where laying in bed is all you can do
and eating is an accomplishment
relationships with anxiety
hovering panic and fear
in the air, hold on
grasp of when or if
and reassurance
becomes unbearable
relationships with PTSD
where everything is a trigger
and one move
can make chaos and destruction
and one small movement
can send panic attacks
and tear rolling
where a small thing
can trigger years of explosions,
and there is no way to calm them down
them must be swept by the current until
it throws them back onto land
and you sit through their damage
it was your fault
they panicked
you forgot
that a touch to their throat
would remind them
of being held down
and penetrated,
you get stuck in
every thing is a trigger
and it is my fault
that I remind them of this
but relationships with borderline
and being a favorite person
an obsession
with too much feelings
and not enough letting go
is hard
Bipolar relationships
with highs and lows
too much energy
or too much depression and suicidal thought
make you go crazy
wondering where they are right at that moment
every emotion is over the top
too much
now a relationship
with someone who has these all
is too much
even for them
can't you just let me go,
universe where is my lightning strike
the rare possibility of death, through a natural cause
a relationship with them
is patience, reassurance, love, anger, excitement
wanting to be free of them,
but not being able to want that more
then wanting to love them
Enough
I am chaos
storms within storms
anger with rage,
and depression with destruction
but yet with one look
it's enough
to get me through the day
and yet with one word
it's more then enough
and for the first time
I am enough
for even myslef
especially myself
and this new confidence radiates off me
and this unhealthy, damaged love
is all I needed to get
me back to me
and to get the help
I need all along
you showed me
who I am
and who I want to be
and I think
that's perfectly okay
to want the change
and be happy
Fear
the fear
that you will leave
is always prominent
and the fear
that there is an end
is terrifying
but the biggest fear of all
is not knowing who I am
without all these mental health issues
haven't they labeled me
and been my identity over half my life
How can I take that away
from myself
I am scared of being happy
I am scared of getting better
because I don't even know what that looks like
Me
I want to be
by your side
as I get better
but I want to get better for me
not for you
I want us to take the ride together
and change for the better
will you work through it with me,
or will you make me wait forever
Changing
I can feel myself changing
and change is scary
I can see myself being better
and that's terrifying
going into the unknown areas
are uncomfortable
and tiring
but the exhaustion
is worth the price
for being finally
okay