28 August 2017
Rob tucked his arms more securely around my waist as he pulled me further back onto the bed, burying his face into my hair. He had been the one to arrive the morning after the night Lachlan woke up and my story had upset him so much he had to leave the room for an hour until he calmed down enough to come back in. It made me upset all over again and I ended up crying into the awful hospital pillow while Lachlan lay, still silent, six feet away from me.
"Is it bad that I think maybe it would have been better that all of the doubts we had were true?" I whispered, unable to say that actual word. "That it would have been better than this?"
He had to pause, thinking about it for a few minutes before really answering.
"I don't know Vikk." He finally said. "It's only been a few days so I haven't... I haven't really processed it yet. I don't think it's fully hit me yet but... sometimes, yes. I look at him and think maybe it would have been better, but I'm not going to think about it because it isn't our reality. He's here and he's alive, and he needs us to support him. We can't sit there and think that maybe he should be dead. He needs love and support. Yeah?"
"Yeah." I said quietly. I looked over at Lachlan, trying to picture the boy I had known back them. He didn't even seem like the same person to me anymore. "I guess."
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I wasn't alone the next time he woke up, Preston curled up on the bed beside me when I first noticed he was starting to stir. We were almost at the end of day five now, only an hour to go until visiting hours closed and someone came to pick Preston up. I think Tobi was meant to be staying the night. They didn't want to leave me alone after what happened earlier.
Preston noticed first, looking up from his book, glancing down and then shooting back up as he saw Lachlan roll his head to the side. That caught my attention and I watched for a moment too- yes, he was waking up. Preston didn't know how to react so he just kept glancing between me and Lachlan, eyes wide with fear and uncertainty. I simply shook my head, pushing him back a bit, knowing he would get my message. Stay silent, don't make any sudden moves, don't scare him. He would be the first person outside of myself to see him.
Lachlan's fingers twitched, eyes moving beneath his eyelids. His head rolled again, mouth opening in a silent groan. I slipped off my bed and kneeled down beside his, hand reaching out to squeeze his wrist gently, comfortingly, hoping to let him know that I was there. He seemed to know because slowly, straining, his eyes fluttered open and connected with mine.
He looked... faded. His eyes were no longer that electric, sapphire blue, they were dull and almost grey. His skin was verging on grey too, hair gone, pale, skinny, bruised and scarred. It was like he was the shell of a person. And as he looked at me, it was like he wasn't really there. He was looking at me but there was no focus, no recognition, no nothing. Lachlan simply wasn't there anymore.
"Hey Lachy..." I whispered, squeezing his hand. "It's me, it's Vikk. Can you see me? Can you hear me? Can you feel my hand?"
The boy managed to nod slowly, grimacing as he moved. He was still on pain meds but apparently it wasn't enough to stop the pain entirely. His eyes flickered past me to all the machines hooked up to him, then to the door, and finally to the other bed in the room with Preston. There was a moment where my heart sank, he didn't seem to recognise him, but then something flooded into his eyes. There wasn't that glassy look, he focused on Preston, then me, then Preston again. His mouth opened-
"Vi-Vikk." He croaked, voice breaking. His eyes begged me. "Vikk!"
"Hey Lachy." I whispered, tears already falling. "It's me. You're okay, you're safe."
"Vikk." He breathed again, and this time I recognised the voice. The awful croak fell away and there was something in the quiet, breathy voice that I knew and I loved because it was Lachlan. That was Lachlan's voice, and he was speaking my name for the first time in more than two years.
"Lachlan." I whispered back.
Very shakily his hand, weak and thin, reached out for me, barely lifting off the bed. I took it and pressed it to my face, so overwhelmed for a moment that I just had to take some time to process everything. He was there, he was awake, he was speaking my name. That was Lachlan. He was there.
Because of the doctor telling me off a bit the last time I had crawled onto his bed I stayed next to his bed this time, holding his hand. Lachlan continued to watch me, eyes wide, but it only took a few minutes before he started to get visibly distressed. He was slipping between reality and his subconscious, eyes flickering, but he was fighting it. His chest hiccupped, distraught, now panicking.
"Lachy, Lachy, it's okay, it's okay." I managed to say, shuffling closer. "Look at me? Can you feel my hand? Can you see me?" He nodded slowly, clearly still falling between worlds. "Okay, good. Can you hear the machines beeping?" He again nodded. "Can you feel the blankets? The mattress?"
I continued like this, blabbering on and on about everything around us until he finally settled back and watched me quietly with half lidded eyes, settled in our reality. I just kept talking, worried that if I stopped he would drift off somewhere else and I wouldn't be able to pull him back. Preston didn't move, too scared that he would startle Lachlan.
I gently rubbed my thumb over his scarred wrist, voice getting quieter. He continued to watch me, eyes flickering less often now, but I think he found the motion of my hand comforting because he kept watching it, head nodding. He wasn't slipping though, he was just falling asleep.
"Vikk." He breathed. "Vikk."
"What's up Lachy?" I whispered, squeezing his hand.
"Vikk." He repeated, voice breaking, eyes begging with me silently.
"I can't Lachy, there's machines and stuff everywhere, I want to but I can't. I know you want cuddles." I ran my hand down his cheek. "I know."
He let out this pitiful, disappointed noise, seemingly unable to find any words to express what he was feeling. Well, he hadn't said anything other than my name. I only squeezed his hand tighter and leaned on the bed beside him, my face resting right next to his. His blue-grey eyes blinked silently, staring up at me from a sunken, pale face. I barely even recognised him, he looked so different than he had back then and although I had changed myself, this change was painful. Heart-breaking.
I stayed there, holding his hand and running the other up and down his arm and shoulder, until he fell asleep. He watched me the whole time with slowly blinking eyes until the blinking stopped and he fell still, finally falling asleep and allowing me to relax. I pulled back, gently pushing his head onto the pillow so he was facing up rather than towards me. Preston stood up, letting out a deep breath, and right at that moment Tobi walked in the door, closely followed by Josh. They managed to smile.
"Hey." Tobi said, wrapping me in a hug. "How's it going?"
"Alright." I whispered, burying myself in his chest. "He was awake, talking for a bit as well, but he's just flat out exhausted. It'll be a while before he's awake for any time."
He nodded and we both said goodbye to the other two, giving them hugs before I slid onto my bed and buried my head into the pillow. Tobi sat down beside me and gently ran a hand down my back.
"Rough day, huh?" He said gently, pulling my head into his lap. "You coping alright?"
"Not really." I whispered. "It's so stressful and I don't know how long I'm gonna be able to keep it up before everything starts to fall apart. I know I shouldn't have been expecting anything less than this if he came back but I just... he's not the same person anymore. I barely... I hardly recognise him. It's just so hard to know that he's not going to be the person I knew."
Tobi hugged me tight as he whispered his next words, but I could tell he was looking over at Lachlan as said them.
"I know, and I know it's hard. It's hard for everyone. But remember what that doctor said cause he's got far more experience in this sort of thing than we do, but we need to be there to support him. We need to help him the best we can and for now, we need to forget about who he was. We need to let him start anew because he probably won't want to go back. Just remember that. It's going to be slow and painful and you're going to want to give up, but remember that you're doing it for him. You're doing this for Lachlan."
I nodded slowly, and Tobi continued to hold me until I fell asleep against him, my mind uneasy.
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"Someone leaked that Lachlan was found." Jerome said breathlessly, between tears, as he burst into the room. "It's all over the news and everyone is asking for a statement. No one's uploaded since he was found and they're trying to confirm it with the doctors and nurses as they leave."
My heart stopped. Shit. I was hardly even coping with the situation yesterday, what the hell was I going to do now?