Thursday 24 September 1998
Harry
"Do you have to go?" So I may be whining, but I have a very good reason.
"I need to finish the nest, I'm almost done, I promise," my mate murmurs.
"Hmph, okay, but only 'cause you promised. But as quick as possible, please? Need you here with me."
"Okay."
"I'll be in Gryffindor, come find me, okay?"
"In... Gryffindor?" I see the fear flash in his eyes. He's still scared of the lions, especially if I'm not with him, which, yes, I suppose makes sense. I wish he didn't have to be, though.
"Just ask the Fat Lady for me, okay, you don't need to come in if you don't want to."
"O-okay. I'll be quick." He goes to get up - no, Draco, mate - but my muscles tense up completely by instinct and he falls back into my lap.
"Wait, give me a kiss first?" He blushes - so cute, Merlin - but presses his lips against mine gently. "I'll miss you," I murmur into his mouth.
"I'll miss you too."
"Then don't go..." I realise a bit too late that it's an order. I still need to be careful with those around him. As much as he's getting more comfortable with me, he still can't outright disobey me, however much I'm not being serious. I kiss him again to say sorry. "Go, my love. But be quick."
When he leaves, I watch him until he's out of sight, then sigh and get up to head towards the Gryffindor common room. I haven't been spending much time with my friends, which I'm honestly unhappy about. Of course, I love every second I spend with Draco, and I'm definitely starting to get along with his friends, and Neville's always with Zabini too, but I miss my group. We've been through so much together - it's weird being so separated from them.
Who cares, they don't understand, I don't like them. Can we go and find Draco now, please?
No, Eli. First of all, Draco needs to make this nest, it will make him happy. And you only don't like my friends because you don't know them. I fought a war with them, they've stayed with me for over seven years, and I owe so much to them. I shouldn't have ignored them recently.
Ugh, fine.
The Fat Lady's portrait swings open as I say the password, and I crawl through. Like yesterday, everyone turns to look at me, then almost in unison turns to the corner where my friends sit. The blokes all stand up, Ron at the front.
"Ron, please this is a bad idea-" Hermione murmurs.
"What's going on?" I ask. Because something obviously is. And whatever it is, the silence that lays over the room like snow suggests everyone knows about it but me.
"No Malfoy with you today? What, bored-" Hermione slaps Seamus' hand, effectively cutting him off. Good thing too.
Bored? Bored! I would never get bored of my mate-
I decide to block you out, much to your protest. I have a feeling your commentary might make me mildly irrational in this situation, and I need to have a proper conversation with my friends. I know they're angry with me, and they have a right to be. I don't need you persuading me to bite their heads off.
"Draco's making our nest. Now what's going on? If you want to talk, we should probably head upstairs." The boys look around, slightly embarrassed, as if just realising the entire room's attention was on them.
"Fine. Okay. Let's go upstairs."
"Harry, wait, don't-"
"It's fine, Hermione. Don't worry."
I follow the boys up to the eighth year boys' dorm, leaving 'Mione in the common room. I realise I've immediately navigated to my bed. Not out of habit, although maybe slightly, but because it still smells like Draco. The memory of my mate on my bed yesterday almost distracts me, but I exhale and focus again on my friends. I love Draco, more than anything, but I love my friends too. Friends now, not mate. Focus, Harry.
"What do you guys need?" I ask. They look at each other, deciding who has to speak first. They seemingly decide on Ron.
"Can you remember the last time you spoke to us? Properly, not just greetings and shit. Like, an actual conversation, and not about classes." I think about it. Merlin, it must have been over a week. No wonder they're angry.
"Listen, I know I've been kind of distracted recently, and I'm sorry-"
"Fleur's pregnant. Did you know that?"
"What- really? Why didn't you tell me? Dude, that's great!"
"Yeah, well. I tried to tell you. Several times actually, but you were always 'busy' or 'distracted', or whatever." Well, shit.
"I- I'm sorry. I know I've been an awful friend. I should have known that. It's just... with Draco, and Eli, and-"
"That's not an excuse. Neville knows. He just found his mate, just like you, but he's still made time for us. He was there with us when we found out. You weren't. Where the fuck were you, Harry?"
"You're right. It's not an excuse. There is no excuse. You guys are my best friends, and I haven't been acting like it. Um, you can totally be mad at me. I'd deserve it.
"It's just that... well, Neville had training. He spent his life knowing he was going to be an elf, and learnt how to balance his instincts and, well, not be a prick, I guess. I didn't. I tried to learn eighteen years of shit in a month. And I had to prioritise. I guess I didn't do that very well. That's my fault, and I'm sorry."
"I don't get it," Seamus says. "How does living take eighteen years to learn?"
"It's about balance, I guess. Being a wolf... it's harder than I thought. Eli is... Merlin, he doesn't shut up. He doesn't know humans, all he knows is instinct and mate and pack. I was supposed to get taught how to override his instincts. I had to learn how to be a wolf, but I also had to learn to teach him to be human. But that wolf instinct - the hunting, the pack, the anger - it's nothing compared to the mate stuff. What I feel for Draco... I've never felt anything like this before. Sometimes I start thinking about him and I literally can't see the world anymore. It's like... everything else becomes blurry, and he's the only real thing. And everything in me is screaming to make him happy, to kill for him, to die for him, and I can't make it shut up.
"I know I shouldn't focus so much on him. I know you guys are important too. But fuck, try telling me that when he's here. Try telling me that when I haven't blocked Eli off-"
"Block him off? What do you mean?" Dean asks.
"Well, you know how he's always talking to me?"
"Wait, what?"
"Oh. Um, basically, most of the time I hear everything he thinks. He talks to me about everything that goes on, trying to get me to do stuff or say stuff, to stay with Draco or to hunt, or find a pack. To be honest, most of what I do, I do because he tells me too. He knows more than me with my late training and all, so most of the time I just assume he's right. But, um, I realise now that as much as he knows about wolf stuff, he doesn't know about friendship. So I told him to bugger off, basically. It takes a lot of energy on my part, but I can stop listening to him for a while."
"So what you're saying is, you're being a prick because you've got an angry wolf in your head who's talking all the time?"
"Well, yeah, kind of." They look at each other, slightly bewildered.
"Merlin, no wonder you've been ignoring us. I wouldn't be able to think about anything, net alone other people," Seamus says.
"And does Neville have the same thing?"
"No, it's only creatures crossed with animals. Werewolves, Veela, nekos, that sort of thing. Elves don't, like vampires or dryads."
"So why are we holding you to the same standard as him?" Dean asks.
"Well, Eli isn't really an excuse, I mean, I shouldn't have ignored you, wolf or no-"
"Dude, think about it. You haven't been acting like yourself because you've been doing what someone else wants you to."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right."
"So can you stop listening to him? Just, what did you say, shut him off, all the time?"
"No, it doesn't work like that. Like I said, it takes a lot of energy. But I can try to say no to him more often, I guess. But this... this doesn't mean you have to forgive me. You totally get the right to be mad at me. I mean, I can't believe I didn't know about Bill and Fleur's baby, and... and who knows what else I've missed out on. I- you don't have to forgive me."
They look at each other again, and I find myself feeling more nervous than I expected. As much as they deserve to, I really don't want them to hate me. Without your emotions tainting mine for now, the love for my friends has come back full force. As much as you might not like them, I need these people.
"Nah," Dean suddenly says. "I'm bored with being mad. You know what you did, so whatever. You're good in my book."
"Same here," Seamus adds. "But maybe start spending time in the common room again, 'kay?"
"Of course." We turn to look at Ron. He's looking down. For a second I really think he might not forgive me.
"I guess I can understand where you're coming from. But please stop being weird. I can't believe I couldn't tell my best friend I was going to be an uncle. Or even more important stuff like how good lunch was today." I laugh, and he laughs too, and then we're hugging. He claps me on the back, and then Dean and Seamus are there too. Godric, it shocks me how I didn't realise how much I'd missed this.
Suddenly you come back, bursting forward as if you'd been pushing at the invisible door for a while.
Do you... is that true? That, that listening to me makes you that different? I didn't know that, I didn't mean to... Harry I'm so sorry I-
Woah. Eli, it... it's fine. I mean, yeah, sometimes I guess when I listen to you I do stuff I wouldn't normally. But I don't think that's a bad thing. I guess you could stand to back off a bit sometimes, but most of the time I'd be lost without you.
O-okay. Still, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you almost lose your friends. I don't really get it, but if they're important to you then I guess they're okay.
I appreciate that. But it's not really me you should be apologising to.
"Eli wants to say sorry." Um, shut up, no I don't, what- "Mind if I wolf out for a second?" Harry, don't you dare-
"He's... not going to eat us, right?" I laugh.
"Merlin, no. I promise, as scary as he is when Draco's in danger, he's a huge softy. He feels bad."
"Can he hear us?"
"Yeah. Sees and hears everything I do."
"Um, okay, Eli, please don't eat us, thank you. Okay, you're good."
Harry, seriously, don't force me out, I will genuinely eat them, I have big fangs, I'm very strong, Harry don't-
But I've already rid myself of my shirt and trousers and have pulled you out.
You stand there, looking like a shy puppy if it wasn't for how fucking huge you were. My friends are just as frozen, eyes wide as if they'd forgotten how initially intimidating you are.
"Um, hey, Eli," Dean says. Wow you're kind of awkward, huh, 'Big Fangs'?
What the fuck did you think was going to happen, dumbass? I'm a wolf, I can't talk!
Didn't think about that. Well, just bark or something, this is getting weird.
You do, kind of pathetically-
Hey, I was trying to be polite and not scare them.
Whatever you say.
Ron laughs first, and on realising you don't look like you're going to eat them, the others do too. You huff, not angrily, almost as if you're trying to join in. You seriously should have the form of a baby retriever or something, I swear to magic.
I don't like you when I'm not telling you what to do. You're kind of an arsehole.
"Was that your apology?" Ron says, still kind of laughing. You look at him as if to say 'what do you want from me, I can't talk', sending them into another fit of laughter. You're grinning, kind of, as much as you can - no, I'm not, shut up - and even though you'd deny it to the grave, I think you're maybe starting to like them.
And then the Fat Lady appears in the picture above the fireplace, and my heart falls out of my chest.
"The little blonde Slytherin says he needs you, Potter. Something about being finished?"
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