E V A N N A
I wouldn't have believed it either if somebody told me that this fight was going to be bigger than any other fights we've ever had.
Usually I was on my brothers side, but this time, the fight was so big that I couldn't even think about choosing sides.
The fight seemed so unreal and unbelievable because it went so far.
It was worse than when my dad literally threw glass at them. It was worse than when my dad told me to go to my dead mother.
It was so much worse and it terrified me. During the entire fight I was so scared. This was the first time I've ever felt like this during a fight and I never wanted to relive that moment again.
It started as a normal day. The first week of school went by but I was still not used to getting up. My brothers had to wake me up some stupid way to get me up and going.
It was Friday and I already despised school. One thing I was excited about was the fact that today, Jayden and I promised to go hang out together. Just us two. I was so happy because I barely got time with Jayden and now we could hang out.
Every week it's gotten more and more competitive with the Ranked Tests and every single time, I saw my brothers is such a high ranking— always Top 3 in their grade.
Me, on the other hand... I was more of... what you would call a disappointing. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I even got in Top 15, but when everybody that was my friend placed higher than me it was a tiny bit disappointing.
The two smartest people though were this one boy and Mia. Dylan was a close second, and Taylor was almost right behind him. The only thing that made me feel better was that Owen was behind me and he was completely happy with placing 13th because he "guessed the entire test".
Everybody told me it was fine and honestly, I wasn't too worried about it. Once I actually got used to the school, it didn't seem so competitive unless you made it. I wanted to have fun in high school.
Also, Taylor and I established that there wasn't or there never will be anything between us. Just friends. Best friends. And he agreed.
Besides, I could tell when I first met him with Mia, he would sneak glances at her, smile randomly looking at her, and I felt like he liked her, except I didn't know if it was true.
Dylan seemed a little different. I didn't know what was going on but he didn't seem like his usual self. He was more quiet than usual, he didn't smile often and he kept checking his phone. He also stopped his rude jokes and remarks which had me even more worried.
Maybe something happened between him and Mia. Something was off between them. Mia tried to pretend Dylan didn't exist and he noticed it.
"Dylan, are you okay?" I asked him as he stared off into space.
He nodded slowly, not even looking at me. "Yeah. I'm just... worried about... Mia."
"Mia? Why?" I asked. "She seems... fine."
"Isn't she your best friend?" He asked.
"Yeah... except we haven't been hanging out recently. Over the summer we hung out a lot..."
Dylan sighed and shook his head. "Don't worry about it..."
"No, wait, I want to know what's wrong," I protested. "Is she okay? Did something happen?"
"Don't worry about it," Dylan repeated firmly.
"You said it yourself, she's my best friend... I want to know."
"No, I asked if she was your best friend."
"Same thing."
"Actually—"
"Dylan, seriously," I said. "Why aren't you telling me?"
"Stop pushing it," Dylan muttered, clearly annoyed.
I was worried but I decided not to push farther and went back to the lunch table. When I went there, I saw Matthew staring at me.
"Oh, Matthew, you're finally here," I said. "Hey, long time no see..."
His smile was small. "Hey..."
"You missed an entire week of school, what happened?" I asked.
Matthew chuckled softly. "It's... nothing. I was just busy. Can we talk outside?"
We went out into the hallway to talk instead of the crowded cafeteria.
Something in his eyes made me stop. They were filled with emptiness and sadness and I realized how sad he looked. His smile was sad. His laugh was painful to hear. His happiness didn't seem genuine and all of a sudden I was worried.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
He nodded. "Yeah... don't worry too much."
Why was everyone telling me not to worry? How could I not worry?
I hated pushing farther but I felt like Matthew wanted to tell me, but he was stopping himself. "Did something happen?"
"Yeah," He said. "My... my sister, Nessa, she... well, cancer... She passed away."
"Oh my gosh," I breathed out. "Matthew..."
He ran his fingers through his hair. "It's been about... a week and a half. I'm... still trying to not completely fall apart because... she wouldn't want me to. So I'm back... at school."
I didn't know Nessa that well. But I remember when Matthew and I hung out, he liked telling me about her. She was only 8...
Matthew cleared his throat and sighed. "I needed to take some air so I'm trying to go back to the usual. You know, school, friends, that thing..."
"I'm so sorry," I said. I didn't know why I felt compelled to do this, but I hugged him. He stopped for a moment then slowly he hugged me back, trembling.
I felt so sorry for him. My heart hurt for him. I couldn't imagine losing my own siblings.
Matthew pulled away and sighed. "I just... it's hard. I feel like you're the only friend I have. You're the only person that cares about me. And this entire summer I've been isolating myself and I haven't hung out with anyone in a while... it's like I've lost everybody."
"You won't lose me, I'm always here for you," I told him gently.
He avoided my eyes. "I just wish my life was like before. Hanging out with friends. No need to worry about everything—"
"We can hang out," I said, feeling bad. Matthew and I have become so distant and I missed being close with him. I felt like I started excluding him and hanging out with everybody else and it was hurting him.
"No, no, it's okay," Matthew immediately said. "I don't want to force—"
"No, I genuinely want to," I told him. "Here, how about after school let's go get ice cream and go to the park to talk for a while?"
"Are you sure..?"
"Yeah, of course," I said, smiling.
And after that, school went by like normal. As soon as it ended, I went to Matthew and found him waiting for me near the entrance. I was determined to get his genuine smile back because I felt like I was the one who took away his happiness.
We started walking together across the street and to the ice cream truck that stood by near the neighborhood. Walking there took a few minutes and there was already a messy line of high schoolers standing around it.
We got in the back of the line and Matthew put his hands in his hoodie pocket, sighing. "How have you been?"
"I've been fine, nothing interesting going on," I told him.
"How are you and your friends?"
By that I felt like he meant Dylan and Taylor. "Drama. A bunch of drama between everybody."
He nodded. "Do you have money? I'll pay. What do you want?"
"O-oh, I have money—"
"No, it's fine, I'll pay," he said, walking up to the open window. "Hello, can I get a chocolate ice cream bar, please?"
"Can I get an Oreo Sandwich?" I asked, and the man gave it to us as Matthew handed him a $10 bill.
After we got our ice cream we walking to the nearby sidewalk and sat down, watching the cars slowly pass us. The clouds were stormy gray and slowly filling the sky.
"I completely failed the test," Matthew chuckled. "Out of 2000, I got 1376. Like, damn, I thought I would've done better."
I laughed. "It's not that bad."
"Oh yeah?" He asked, raising his eyebrows. "What's you get?"
"1892," i told him. "But Mia, she got 1952. Dylan got a really high score too."
"Jesus Christ, some kids are insane," Matthew said. "There was a fight at school today."
"Really? I didn't hear anything," I said, taking a bite of my ice cream while he did the same.
"It was between two boys. Fought because one was talking shit about their family because he was jealous of his score."
"That's... crazy... people fight over that?"
"Security and police had to be involved. Wonder how you didn't hear about it."
I sighed, smiling. "Doesn't matter, I hate getting involved in drama and fights."
Matthew grinned. "How's the highschool?"
"I like it here, but it's really competitive, you know. Too many tests, too much pressure."
"I love the fact they have dorms here. Just pay a couple hundred dollars and you get a nice room to sleep in. And the school itself is really big and clean."
"It honestly doesn't look like a school. It could be a business building."
"Oh, I heard you went to Times Square. You told me you wanted to go there. How was it?"
I stared at him, confused. "I did? Oh... well, it was really pretty. The buildings lit up nicely and the night sky was stunning. But there were a few problems with random creeps following Mia and I around."
"Were your brothers there?"
"Yeah."
"Did you get hurt?"
I shook my head. "No."
"That's good," he said. "I have a few classes with your brother. One with Daniel, one with Jayden. Kept glaring at me."
I laughed. "Ignore them. You didn't do anything. Just overprotective."
He looked ahead of him. "I missed this. Just hanging out. Us two. Nothing to be worried about."
"I guess... just drama got between us. But we can look past that, right?" I asked.
"I just keep hurting you for no reason and I feel too bad—"
I frowned. "Matthew, you literally didn't do anything, okay? You're not hurting me. It's okay. I missed this too. But look at us right now, we're okay, right?"
Matthew got up and held his hand out for me to grab. He helped me up as I finished my ice cream and Matthew threw his away. Matthew started walking so I followed him.
"Matthew, is everything okay?"
He smiled. "Yeah, just... I have something to tell you."
"Do you still like me?"
Matthew hesitated. "It's complicated. I feel like feelings are going away because of how much we became distant. So I want to end it."
"What? What do you mean..?" I asked.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For kissing you."
Mixed emotions welled up inside me. How was I supposed to reply to that? Thanks? It's fine? I'm sorry?
"W-why? Why are you sorry?"
He avoided my eyes. "For ruining our relationship. It was too fast. I was being dumb and selfish and greedy. Didn't mean to kiss you."
So he didn't mean to kiss me? He kissed me because he was dumb and selfish?
I didn't know what I was feeling. I couldn't tell whether I should be happy or upset.
"Even if Taylor kissed you, that was when you guys were young. This was when you're older and I guess it feels like I basically stole your first kiss."
A quiet thunder tumbled through the sky. It looked like it was going to rain any minute.
"Matthew—"
"So forget that ever happened, okay?"
"The kiss didn't mean anything?" I asked, confused with my feelings.
"Do you want it to?"
"I—" I didn't know what to say. Here he was, all of a sudden and out of nowhere telling me that he didn't mean to kiss me.
"There's nothing you really need to say, I just wanted to finish this," Matthew said, sighing. "I think seeing each other is too hard for us."
What is he saying..?
"We're just friends but, you were my first kiss. I... regret that."
I was completely frozen. I stared at him. I was literally speechless.
"Isn't this what you wanted?"
"What? Matthew—"
He had a small smile on his face. "I don't want to hurt you. So just leaving it right here will be fine. No misunderstandings. Sorry, Ev."
Then he started walking away. He just... left me. He didn't look back and he just kept going.
"Matthew!" I called his name but he ignored me and kept walking. Then he turned the corner and disappeared.
I was honestly so confused and shaken up for some reason. I wasn't going to lie. I felt like crying. Matthew was one of the first few friends I've ever had when I moved here and now all of a sudden he was telling me we shouldn't be friends.
How could someone just do that? How can you go up to a person and just end the friendship?
I stood on the middle of the sidewalk, unable to move or think straight. I stared blankly across the road, the cold water trickling down my head, off my chin, as more and more came down from the dark sky.
"Ev?" A girl's voice came from behind me.
I turned around and saw someone who I expected the least. Cathy ran up to me with her umbrella and immediately put it over me.
"Oh my gosh, what's wrong? Why're you here by yourself?" She asked, putting her hand on my shoulder. "How long have you been in the rain? Come on, Ev, let's go, okay?"
She took my hand but my legs felt like jelly. All of a sudden I started to break down and hysterically sob.
It was one of those cries, where you just want to scream. Where you just sob as it gets caught painfully behind your throat and the pain in my chest hurt so badly I couldn't breathe.
Cathy pulled me into a tight hug as I clung onto her arm tightly, sobbing into her shoulder. She stroked my hair and held me close to her, whispering in my ear, telling me it'll be okay.
I just lost a friend and I didn't even know why. I didn't know what I did wrong. I felt so abandoned and upset that it resulted me into breaking down right in front of Cathy.
It felt like a blur. It felt like a bad dream. I just wanted to wake up from this horrible reality that kept feeling like a nightmare.
"Ev," Cathy said shakily. "Hey, are you okay? Ev?"
I didn't want to feel this anymore. I was tired of the pain.
Then all of a sudden everything went quiet. Everything froze around me and I couldn't move either.
I heard a small echo coming from what sounded like inside my head.
And finally, I completely blacked out.
my brothers
- a l e x -
I texted and asked Cathy to meet up in front of the library after school. I had to talk to her. I had to apologize.
But it really didn't go that well.
"How do you expect me to get over you kissing somebody else?" Cathy asked in disbelief. "Like— if she kissed you and you pulled away— then maybe yeah, I'd be mad but at least you stopped her! But you—you just, you fucking kissed her back!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Really? I just— you really kissed her. I... Alex... you kissed her back..."
"Cathy, please. I'm genuinely sorry. You don't understand how sorry I am. Please, please forgive me."
"You know—" Cathy said, shaking. Her eyes watered with tears and she gripped her phone tightly until her knuckles turned white. "I... I thought that maybe... maybe you were the one."
Her voice broke. "I thought we could be, you know, like, I genuinely thought we were meant to be—"
"Cathy—"
"Mari seems like a sweet girl," She said. "She told me she wouldn't have kissed you if she had known. At least she has a good reason. How do you even justify kissing somebody else while you have a girlfriend?"
"Please, let's just try—"
"You're fucking delusional," she said, her bottom lip trembling, on the verge of tears.
"You know what? Maybe I am. Maybe I am fucking delusional. You're right. I fucked up. But I really... i love you, okay? Cathy, for the first time I've felt this and it was for you. I've never... i really like you."
"How am I supposed to believe that, Alex? Do you know how many guys said the exact same thing? You promised me."
What was I even supposed to do at this point? I genuinely liked Cathy. I loved her. I love her.
"Cathy please—"
She stared right into my eyes, as she took a deep breath. "Maybe... I don't think we should be together. Ever."
That's when I felt my heart shatter all over again.
"I don't think this will work out," she continued. "Is getting back together... doesn't seem like a good idea."
I held back my tears. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not saying I forgive you... yet... but I just think maybe we weren't meant to be," Cathy said. "But, I know that you genuinely care and I... I hope you find somebody amazing, okay?"
"Oh..."
"I...I'll... I have to go." She got up from the bench and started walking away as her words slowly sank in. I guess that was it. We were over.
My phone started ringing but I wasn't in the mood to pick up. My whole world crumbled slowly as the thought of me never being with Cathy creeped into my mind.
After it shut off it kept ringing and I finally answered the phone. I could hear screaming and shouting and things breaking in the background.
"Alex," Daniel said in a panicked voice. "Alex, please come home. Mom and Dad are fighting with Ethan. It's getting really bad. Please—"
Then the phone shut off.
***
Hey guys, are you all safe from the coronavirus? I hope everybody is okay and feeling okay. I'm sorry I haven't been able to update for the last month. There's been a lot of things going on and some priorities that were more important got in the way!
Did your school close? Mine did, but we don't have online school yet.
Sorry about the wait, even I forgot about major details since I haven't been able to update in a while!
How do you feel about Cathy's decision?
Also, I promise the next update won't take ages! Sorry!
<3
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