Chapter 79: Bring Me to Life
April
How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core, where I've become so numb
Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside (I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside (save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
[Bring Me to Life: By Evanescene]
Entering the bedroom Dave placed Charlie in her bassinet making sure to tuck her in while April went straight to the bathroom to start the shower. Dave gave April a few minutes to herself before he joined her. You know letting her get a little me time. She looked to be in deep thought and he wondered what was on her mind.
"Mind if I pick ya brain" Dave asked bringing her out of her thoughts. She had been standing there starring at nothing in particular just going with the motions as if she was on autopilot. For whatever reason he didn't like the way she had spaced out.
April moved out of the way letting him get some shower time. "I'm just thinking bout everything that's been going on and how things are different now" she replied.
"What bout what's going on and what's different" he questioned as he showered.
"This time last year I was single as fuck. You and I were no more, I was in a bad head space, and just didn't feel like me anymore. I had finally talked to Chris so we were mending our friendship and I was getting to know Royalty all over again. I might make it look easy but getting close to Chris again was hard but I knew I needed to let go and move on for my own sanity" she started pretty much from the beginning of when things started to shift for her.
"My relationship with Trey was hanging on by a thread. I was in a dark place still stunting like everything was ok but luckily I started going to therapy because I was going to snap and not any regular snap either. I had so much built up anger, hurt, and pain and before I started getting help all I did was place band aid after band aid over all of my scars. I was a walking wound. I honestly felt like if I didn't snap on someone then I'd do some shit to myself" April admitted and leaned against the shower wall thinking about how everything would've changed if she would've jumped off the ledge. She didn't stop there though she continued to speak her mind.
"That's one of the main reasons why I didn't fuck Millie up the day I left you. That's why I picked up my gun to just get it over with because if I would've fought her and put my hands on her then it would've been bad. She literally would've gotten her ass killed for all of my built up frustrations and everything that I had been through and was going through. I was at my limit that day"
Dave immediately turned around and gave her his full attention. He knew she had been through some shit but he didn't know that she thought about harming herself. This was the first time he had ever heard her say anything like that. He didn't want to think that she would do the extreme. April didn't look the type to harm herself but he also knew that it was always the people you least expect. He didn't even give a fuck what she said about Millie he just wanted to know what was on her mind so he could make sure that whatever it was, was over and gone. This was something he damn sure wouldn't let her try to face on her own.
April looked up at him and smiled. "Calm down Papi let me finish" she said not wanting to alarm him and make him think otherwise but if he did she understood why.
"How bout we finish in the shower and take this conversation to the bedroom. I rather have this conversation face to face" he suggested while he kept his eyes on her.
She knew he wanted to be able to read her and call her bluff if something was wrong but he honestly had nothing to worry about. April nodded her head and kept quiet while they finished in the shower. She was gathering her thoughts because she wanted to make sure she voiced herself clearly and not give him a scare or make him think that he had to watch her like a hawk. Once they were done they did the rest of their routine. April slipped on a nursing bra, one of Dave's t-shirts, and a pair of panties while Dave tossed on a pair of sweats. There was no need for boxer briefs since they were the only ones home tonight. He didn't feel the need to worry about his print besides he had something much more important on his mind to worry about. Dave sat up in bed leaning against the headboard waiting for April to finish putting on her scarf. He was ready to get the conversation rolling.
"Don't be alarmed. I'm all the way good" April said as she looked over Charlie smiling then hopped in bed, sat in front of Dave, and in between his legs.
"You sure bout that" he questioned serious. This was no joking matter. This was too much of a sensitive and serious topic. Suicide and self harming were never a laughing matter.
April knew she had just opened a can of worms and now she was going to let it all out and fill him all the way in. This was something she didn't like to talk about and had only mentioned it to her therapist. She was never comfortable enough to even utter the words to anyone but her therapist. She didn't want anyone looking at her any different or treat her a certain way. To her it was nobody's business but hers but she was wrong. Certain things shouldn't be kept away from the ones you love. She honestly didn't know why she brought it up but if she was going to tell anybody Dave would be that person. He was the one she shared everything with and confided in. She trusted him with all of her secrets so she knew this one would be in good hands.
"I'm positive" and she was good. She had been good ever since she started therapy then went to Jamaica and she was still going strong. She didn't have any of those thoughts anymore.
"Can we talk bout it" he hesitantly asked as if talking about it would make her shut down. But she was the one that brought it up so she didn't mind and even if she didn't want to she knew she wouldn't be able to shut the conversation down especially not with Dave.
"I think bout the conversation I had with Hazel, the one we had with Millie in the warehouse, and even the conversation Trey had with Hazel. I think bout all the posts that Millie posted up on the gram. Everybody thinks I'm lil Ms. Perfect, I'm walking on sunshine, I'm riding on a high horse, and that I have everything in the bag but that's complete bullshit. I wish people would stop measuring happiness with materialistic things. Money, fame, cars, and clothes don't mean you have it all. You can have it all and be just as miserable. They think that my struggles don't equate to theirs but a struggle is a struggle and you can't pick and choose" April said letting him know how she had felt.
"Sure my parents weren't on drugs or anything close to Hazel's and my life turned out the way it did but no one knows bout the shit that I keep to myself" she said and looked away. No one knew her darkest deepest secret except for her therapist and now she was letting Dave in.
Dave pulled her on his lap. "I'm here ma" he was and he wasn't going anywhere.
"I know" she nodded. "It's not that easy being me and being on top. It takes a lot of hard work, dedication, and mental focus. No one knows how it feels to be in my position. I run a billion dollar corporation and I deal with sleaze ball niggas on a daily. I'm in conference rooms filled with men who look at my body instead of my brain until I start talking numbers. I've had plenty of niggas who wanted to fuck to seal the deal on business deals and niggas who try to take my kindness for weakness" April said and smacked her lips thinking about shit she had gone through and was still going through.
"Bitches assume I slept my way to the top not realizing that I could've fucked every last one of them niggas and still been at the bottom. I'm a fuckin black woman in a predominate man's world who most thought that they could discard me and run me off my game and take everything I worked so hard for away from me. I've been in meetings where my female counterparts get treated like shit by their employers and they just roll with it. So I move the way I do because I have a point to prove and it's a lot at times but if I want to stay at the top and live my life the way I want to then I have to be on my A game at all times and before you get all protective I always have people around to make sure that I'm all the way good and safe at all times" April said as she looked at Dave looking back at her like he was about to dead someone any minute.
"Let a nigga try mines. I'll dead all that shit on sight. I'm not here for the bullshit" Dave said getting all worked up and trust she understood but she had it under control. There was always security around her and whenever she felt uncomfortable she let it be known on the low so the situation could be handled properly. It was always one of those old white guys who was still living in the past thinking that a woman's role was in the house and in the bed but she proved them wrong each and every time she made new waves and brought it more money.
"Trust I already know Papi" she said and kissed him trying to calm him down.
"Next time a nigga try some bullshit you better let me know" he barked. He wasn't about to let anyone think for a second that they could come at her any type of way. Shit he was mad that this was the first time he had even heard niggas was trying her at work.
"I will. I promise"
"Bet now continue"
She nodded. "I knew from an early age that I had to do and be better not only for myself but for my parents and lil sister. I never wanted them to want or need for anything so I've been busting my ass and pushing myself above and beyond since I can remember. Even after we were good I just never wanted us to fall off and go back to where we started. I was just pushing, pushing, and pushing myself until I felt like I couldn't push anymore. Yes my parents pushed me but not like those overbearing parents that just push you over the limit. I was the one doing it to myself. I didn't want my father back in the streets selling drugs and being back in that life ever again or have my mother pacing the house to make sure he would make it home safely so I stayed on the grind and still stay on my grind" April continued as she thought about her childhood. It was cool for what it was but it had its ups and downs.
"Hazel says she was competing with me but try being me and competing with myself. You know me I can walk around smiling and still be unhappy as hell but ya the only one who calls my bluff and sees it and if others see it they don't speak on it. Well besides my mother and still then she will do it cautiously. It's as if they see me as fragile at times. I guess they think I'll eventually talk bout it or it will eventually fix itself out and sometimes it does and then there's those times when it doesn't" she said and shrugged and pulled away from him. Dave didn't say anything he just sat there and listened to everything she had to say. He'd chime in when he felt the need to.
"Some things I rather keep to myself and not scare my lil sister or make her feel like she has to watch my every move. She's already left her life behind for me once and I refuse to let her do that shit again. Smoking weed, burying myself in school and work, the piercings, and the many tattoos were things to numb my pain. Sure I love everyone last one of my piercing and tattoos. I made sure that all of my tats were significant and meant something to me but it was all part of my pain process just like fucking bitches on campus. Sure I played it safe by hooking up with the same people instead of spreading myself to everyone but I'd get in my feelings, push myself too hard, get depressed, and I'd smoke until I couldn't anymore and hit someone up and fuck all that shit away" She continued letting him in on everything that she had done and felt and yet he still remained silent and kept listening.
"Instead of feeling the need to harm myself I'd just hit up my tattoo guy, hit the shop, and get my relief from there. Sometimes I'd lock myself in my room for days at a time and cram until I couldn't anymore just so I wouldn't be stuck in my head thinking bout shit I shouldn't" April said and paused giving Dave time to process and soak up everything she had said. Dave just held on to her tighter not wanting her to move from his embrace. He just wanted her to know that she would be good.
"Don't get me wrong I had plenty of good days but I've always felt like I had to work the hardest. Sure niggas and bitches flocked to me and some were genuine but most of them were fake as fuck. They knew of my parents, our money, and me being brains. So that meant people wanted to be around me because they thought they could be put on, could ride my wave, pass their classes, and everything else they could well try to get from me. I had so many friends. Where are they now" April said and laughed. "Besides Mimi the rest of my friends are family. My best friends are my sister, my cousin, and then there's the boys of course"
Dave continued to listen. "Like you said a struggle is a struggle and you can't pick and choose. People be so busy on the outside looking in that they don't know what that person is going through. Anyone looking at you wouldn't think you'd be dealing with any of this but here you are letting me in and letting me know that shit ain't peachy and I appreciate you for letting me in" he really didn't know she was out here like that and feeling the way she did. Dave genuinely felt sad for his woman.
"Exactly and I appreciate you for always being there for me" she hugged him.
"Go head I know that isn't it"
April just looked at him and smiled. "Now having the great parents that I have they picked up that something was wrong and we talked bout it but I didn't go into detail but they pretty much put everything in perspective for me. So I got my shit together and started keeping a diary but stopped once I got in a better place. Shit I was jealous of Hazel's bitch ass" April admitted and laughed.
"She was more carefree, partied until she couldn't anymore, and did whatever she wanted without thinking bout what other's thought bout her or the consequences. But then again I guess she didn't care what others thought bout her because my lil ass would come running to her rescue and be ready for a fight. Even fighting was a relief for me. That's why my ass be ready for the shits now" she kept at it but she still wasn't done. She had a lot of stuff to get off her chest. This had been things that had been sitting on her chest that she thought she'd never talk about with anyone besides her therapist.
"Sure we did everything together and I would be on the scene with her but she'd have to pull me away from my studies or work to do so. I had to tread lightly because I couldn't live and be as carefree as Hazel because I had an image to uphold and I knew for what I wanted to do and be I had to be careful in the way that I moved and the people I moved with. Let alone I was there during every one of her abortions and yet while she's killing her babies I had to think bout the baby I had that didn't make it. Yet she's jealous. She had time after time to be a mother yet she chose to kill hers" April admitted. That shit was hard for her to be by Hazel's side when she had gotten rid of Trey's baby especially when she was pregnant a little while before that. But she was never jealous enough to treat Hazel the way she had done her.
"If only she knew that" Dave said and wrapped his arms back around her waist holding her tighter. "What else you need to get off ya chest" he asked. Dave didn't want her to stop talking until she got everything she had been holding in out.
April sighed but kept going. She felt like a leaky faucet that just kept dripping no matter how tight they shut the water off. She just couldn't stop talking. It was as if she needed to let shit go and just be. "Of course you know I was good until Chris and I fell off. That shit had me tripping something serious with the way he made me feel. I felt like damn maybe I wasn't worth shit and I didn't need to be here anymore but I knew my lil sister and my parents needed me. They wouldn't know how to deal with some shit like that and I couldn't put them through that especially not over a nigga. But when I lost Jr that shit had me on the edge and had my ass ready to jump but I didn't. I couldn't let my lil angel see me go out like that" she said and wiped her eyes. She didn't want to cry. She just wanted to be completely free.
"I had too much to live for no matter how bad I wanted to just flat out die but people are so damn jealous and love being on the outside looking in. Getting closure with Chris, telling everyone bout Jr, talking to my parents, and finally getting some professional help worked wonders. Then that trip to Jamaica sealed the deal" April said and smiled thinking about how much Jamaica had come through for her and the words of wisdom that she not only gotten from her uncle but from Twin had been just what she needed to hear.
"I'm happy you got the help you needed because I don't know what I'd do without you. Shit none of us would be good without you. I honestly don't want to think bout how my life would be without you because it wouldn't be life. It wouldn't be this" he said as he motioned around to everything they had and kissed her.
"Like I told you before I have come to learn that shit happens and some things are worse than others but you gotta roll with the punches and you know me I do that pretty well. After coming back from Jamaica everything fell into place for me. Ya ass crept back into my life, I found out I was pregnant, and everything took off from there. Now I'm living a life I thought I'd never or that it would take me years to get here" she said and smiled brightly. Life was definitely good.
"I was being a lil slow during those times but I made my way back" he joked but they both knew he was serious.
"And that you did" she cheesed and pecked his lips. "I knew you would but not this soon but it's been a beautiful eight or nine months"
"You said those three words and I knew you meant them just as much as I did so I had to right my wrongs and make it back to my person. I had to make it back home" he said and smiled teeth showing and all. "So, how are you...really" he questioned with his brow raised.
"I'm fuckin happy like genuinely happy fuckin fantastic. I didn't know my life would play out like this. You talk bout everything you gained with a smile but so did I. I went from no kids, no man, and no family of my own but Papi I have three beautiful lil girls and two of those lil girls love me as if I gave birth to them. I have a whole ass man that loves me flaws and all. I have a man who worships the ground that I walk on. A man that makes me feel beautiful, wanted, and needed. I have a man who makes me feel like I'm the shit who praises me and lifts me up when I need it and a man who takes all that comes along with me" April said and tilted her head back with a smile beaming from ear to ear and looked back at him.
Dave looked at her with a smile of his own. "Always and forever ma know that"
"Facts no caps my man is the shit" she giggled. "The family I prayed for I finally have and the shit is filled with nothing but love. I started out with two brothers just Trey and August and it's just been them two for the longest. Now I have Bully and Shooter and they are loyal to the fuckin soil. They have been riding with me since day one. I can call up ya mother and talk to her just like I can with my own. Ya father even treats me as if I'm his daughter. My ex best friend/sister fucked me over but in return my cousin came back home and filled that space better than Hazel could ever. Did I mention that my man and I bought our first home together? Like what's not to be happy, blessed, and thankful for" April said meaning every single word that left her lips. Life was so much better than she expected and she felt nothing but lightness, freedom, and loved inside and out. She felt damn good. She felt better than she had ever had.
"Allah do you hear my wife? Do you hear her? We blessed over here" Dave said still smiling. "Shit can only get better from here. We done went through all the bullshit and landed on our toes ma. We ten toes deep in this shit ma this is it. These are our moments and the moments we both deserve"
"Say that shit Papi" she hyped.
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-Happy reading I hope you guys enjoy..I don't know what it is but I'm having a serious case oh deja vu with this particular part to the point I've been editing and trying to reread chapters to see if this has happened before..y'all let me know 🤦🏾♀️...Any, who part 2 will be up later today ☺️
-So Trey was right there were more things that April hadn't told Hazel as well as everyone else 😔
-April seems strong and overcomes a lot but she deals with a lot and keeps most of those things to herself. She worries about everyone else but doesn't want anyone to worry about her.
-Do you think April has finally gotten everything off her chest or is she still holding on to more secrets 🤔
-Suicide and self harming is no laughing matter at all guys. Suicide is one of those subjects that hits close to home for me. If you ever feel like you can't take it anymore or you want to harm yourself please talk to someone and get the help you need. You are not the only one going through things it's a lot of us out here going through the same problems so never think that you are alone. If you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to or you just want to vent and just have someone listen to you feel free to hit me up. We can also have group discussions if you guys would like that so just let me know 🤗
-Any, who sharing is caring so tell a friend to tell a friend. Don't forget to comment, vote, & add to your libraries 🥰
-If you are reading & not commenting no problem just make sure you color the ⭐️ please & thank you 🥰