Timothée can't drive me to school today.
I usually walk whenever he cancels on me but today I couldn't bring myself to walk such a long distance all by myself.
Don't get me wrong, I am physically able to walk the entire forty five minute journey to school. But my mind hasn't stopped buzzing with concerning thoughts since my nightmare last night and I can't bring myself to be stuck in my own thoughts the whole walk there.
So I wake Aaron up.
Like the good brother he is, he doesn't protest or complain. He simply agrees to drive me to school even if it means I woke him up from his peaceful sleep three hours before he usually wakes up to go to work.
I feel bad. I feel selfish for making him drive me, but I can't stand the constant whirlwind of thoughts that goes through my brain every time I'm alone, every time I'm by myself with nothing to distract me.
Nothing kills me like my own mind.
You did this. I tell myself. You couldn't handle your fathers torment and that's what killed her. You ran away and she went to find you and now she's dead and Aaron has to deal with you all by himself.
You did this.
I shake the thoughts out of my head once I catch Aaron staring at me. I must look terrified right now because my hand is shaking and my eyes are starting to tear up in a matter of seconds.
I feel so weak as before him. He doesn't say anything, he just looks at me with a hint of concern and then he walks over to me and takes my hand in his. 'Ella what's wrong?' He knows, he knows I'm hurting he knows I'm not okay.
He knows.
I squeeze Aaron's hand. 'Nothings wrong.' I lie. 'I'm fine.' I lie once again and smile so I can convince him I'm okay. Immediately the concern that was on his face vanishes and he smiles back at me.
'Good, because you had me worried. You're not sick are you?' He lets go of my hand only to bring the back of his palm up to my forehead to feel for my temperature.
Of course is first instinct is to check if I'm ill. I'm not sick so he doesn't find anything unusual. 'You sure you're okay?' He asks. I nod silently and with that he opens the door for me and we both head outside.
I'm already having a horrible morning but to make matters worse Drew leaves his apartment the same moment we leave ours. He turns around and his eyes catch mine.
He looks like shit.
He has a black eye, his face is purple and bruised and his eyes holds a very sad expression that I can't quite describe. All I know is that once I laid my own eyes on him, my heart sank. 'Hey.' Aaron says breaking the silence and causing Drew to tear his intense gaze away from me.
'Hey.' Drew replies forcing a smile, but failing to give a genuine one to Aaron.
'You look.. bad.' Aaron says and I elbow him in the ribs which doesn't do anything because he still continues talking nonetheless. 'What?! I'm just telling the truth. You look like shit man what happened to your face.' Aaron studied Drew's face even more but I don't have to study it to know what happened.
It's all in Drew's eyes. The way he looks at me, like he knows I'll understand him. It speaks more to me than words ever could. He did this. Is what I get out of Drew's stare. My step father did this.
I have to inhale a shaky breath before I step forward so I'm closer to Drew and father away from my brother. 'I'm so sorry.' I whisper, so only he can hear me. Drew looks away from me and I can see the tears that start to form in his eyes. He doesn't want me to see him at his breaking point.
It's all coming back to me in full throttle as I examine Drew in this painful state. Is this how I looked every time my father had his way with me? Did I look broken down, bruised and helpless? Did I look like someone who needed to be held, to be hugged, to be loved?
I don't know for sure. But what I do know is that Drew matters to me. Maybe not in the romantic way that he wants me to think of him, but in a more important way. In a way that makes me want to be there for him, and protect him from any harm.
Drew finally finds the courage to face me again. His wet teary eyes find mind and I don't waste a moment before I pull him close to me. To my surprise he hugs back, he hugs me back tightly and meaningfully and he shudders in my arms. He even lets out a soft whimper that makes my heart break into two pieces.
He doesn't deserve this. No one deserves this.
'Come on.' I say pulling away from him. 'We're driving you to school.' I turn around to face Aaron who looks at me with understanding in his eyes. I don't have to ask for his permission or explain anything to him for him understand that Drew needs us right now. That Drew is a part of our family whether we like it or not.
Aaron nods. 'I'll go grab the car.'
***
We don't end up making it to school.
Not Drew's school, and not mine either. Instead Aaron was generous enough to drop us off at an ice cream parlor that we used to go to with our mother when we were kids. School didn't seem like a priority to me at the moment.
Drew is still extremely quiet. His eyes are trained on the large ice cream sundae I just bought him but he hasn't taken a bite out of it yet and if I didn't know how he was feeling right now I'd be concerned. But I'm not concerned, because I know this is normal. At least I think this normal.
When my dad broke down my walls and hurt me and made me sob in his stupid house with my hands above my head shielding my face begging him to stop, I wouldn't want to eat either. I'd lose my appetite for days and it was hard for me to find the courage to even speak at all.
I got better at it though. Eventually, as time went on I got good at pretending I was alright, and I was able to make it seem like my life was under control. But it never was. And I thought Drew had that ability too. I thought he could turn it off and turn it on whenever he wanted, and just act like he was okay.
But it seems I have him figured out all wrong.
Again.
'You don't have to talk about it. We can talk about something else if you want.' I say taking a bite out of my own ice cream sundae and peering at him for a second through my long eyelashes.
Drew looks up at me with his big brown eyes. He lets out a shaky sigh. 'I want to.' He says, and his response surprises me but I pretend to be unfazed by it.
'Okay. Start from the beginning then. When did you see your stepfather?' I ask pushing my sundae to the side so I can focus on him, and him only.
Drew takes a deep breath before speaking. I find that he avoids my eyes as he speaks. 'My mom wasn't home yesterday. She had an errand she had to run and I saw your brother Aaron leave for work in the morning.' I watch Drew scratch his neck and crane it to the side. The simple act tells me he's nervous to talk about this.
'I was sitting in the garden when I saw you and your friend leaving your apartment so I hid behind the bushes because I didn't want to face you.' Drew brings himself to look at me for a moment, to see my reaction but all I do is give him a simple nod.
He looks away and clears his throat before continuing. 'No one was around. Most of the people in the complex were either deep asleep or out doing things in the morning and I was just doing what I always do, I was sitting in the garden drinking some alcohol in the morning when he showed up.'
And it is at this moment that my heart begins to thump rapidly in my chests. I don't know the story but I have a feeling I can guess what happens next. 'I- I don't even know how he got past the gates. He came at me so quickly and unexpectedly that I didn't even have time to figure much out.' Drew sighs brokenly. 'He just shoved me for no reason at all, and it knocked the wind out of me when I hit the ground.'
I can picture the scene before my eyes. I don't know how Drew's step father looks like so I just simply picture my father in his stead. They act the same way, they might as well look the same too right?
'I was drunk El, and shocked. I haven't seen him since I was thirteen and he just came out of nowhere. I couldn't defend myself, he just kept punching me and kicking me and-' Drew's crying now. He's in a fit of tears in this random but empty ice cream parlor and I don't hesitate to stand up and engulf him in my arms.
I can tell Drew is grateful for my embrace because he cherishes his time holding me just as tightly as I hold him. 'It's okay. You don't have to continue.' I say reassuring him, but Drew pulls away from me.
'He wanted money.' Drew spits. 'He came back and he beat the living shit out of me just because he was broke and he wanted me to give him all of my moms money.'
I rub my hands up and down Drew's arms. 'Please tell me you refused.' I say. I know the answer but I need to make sure of it either way. Sometimes you can say or do stupid things when you're in a scary situations. When my dad first started abusing me I'd tell him anything and everything he wanted to hear as long as he let me go. But now I know how to think through things. I know what to say and what not to say when I'm in a state of panic.
'Of course I refused.' Drew tells me. 'I don't care if he kills me for it. My mom worked so fucking hard for that money, I wasn't about to hand it over to him.' I nod and I watch slowly as Drew's stress dies down.
His breaths are more steady now, and his eyes are no longer trained on the ground. He can finally look me in the eye and keep his gaze there. 'I'm sorry you had to deal with me. I- I didn't mean to drop this on you.' I shake my head. Drew reminds me so much of myself. Not just because he has been though the same things I've been through, but also because he worries about the same things I worry about.
When I first told Timmy about my dad, I was afraid I'd burden him with so much information all at once. I didn't want to scare him away, or have him pity me. But Drew must know I understand him, that I'll be here for him no matter what happens between us. 'Listen to me.' I say scooting even closer to him which I didn't think was possible.
'Don't ever apologize for opening up about these things.' I say with finality evident in my tone. Drew nods slowly in understanding. I continue once I know he has understood me. 'When my brother left me with our dad, all I wanted was someone I could talk to, that I could lean on when things got rough. And I'm ready to be that person for you Drew, anything you need.. I'll be here for you okay?'
Drew reaches over and places his cold hand overtop mine. I can tell by his gentle touch that it isn't meant to be romantic, instead his gesture was meant to show me he appreciated me, that he appreciated this. He has probably been wanting to talk to someone for a while about his trauma and his fears, and I finally turned up.
I'm glad I can be there for him.
Suddenly I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket. The vibration causes me to release my hand from Drew's and he furrows his eyebrows at me in confusion. I pull my phone out of my pocket and a goofy picture I took of Timothée flashes across my phone screen.
I frown at Drew. 'I'm sorry I have to take this.' Drew simply nods and let's me walk away from him to answer the call.
'El?' Timmy's whispers into the phone.
I smile at the mere sound of my name rolling off his lips. After a stressful morning it was nice hearing his voice, even if he was whispering. 'Hey what's up?' I say and as I speak into the phone I look behind me to check up on Drew and find that he has finally gained the courage to pick up his spoon and take a bite out of his sundae.
I can't help but feel like I have accomplished my goal. I made him feel better. 'Where are you? We have first period together, are you running late?' He asks.
'No. I'm not coming. Something came up and I needed to take care of it.' I answer and Timmy goes silent on the other end. I can hear our teachers voice in the background, and the chatter of a couple of students as well.
'Is everything alright? Do you need me to-'
I cut him off before he can convince me to give in. 'I'm fine. There's no need.' I sigh and with that we say our goodbyes and Timothée ends the call. I'd love for Timothée to cut school and come find me. To take me on another one of our adventures. We haven't been on one in a while. But Drew is my priority right now, I need to make sure he's okay before I think of myself and my needs.
I put the phone in my pocket and head back over to Drew. 'So, I take it you're a sundae fan.' I ask him laughing once I notice the ice cream sundae has almost disappeared, most of it has probably ended up in Drew's stomach.
I take a seat in front of him and Drew laughs, it sounds so genuine that it makes me laugh as well. 'Yeah.' He says smiling. 'I am now officially an ice cream sundae fanatic. Thanks to you Ella.' He grins. I don't know why but a warm feeling brims up inside of my chest.
Thanks to me.
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Poor baby Drew :(
More Timmy and Ella content coming soon though ;)