I'm staring at the familiar bland walls of my father's house, a place I used to call home.
The smell of cheap wine and cigarettes fill my nostrils and the warmth I used to feel whenever I entered my bedroom is gone now. What replaces that warmth is a chilly feeling laced with fear and loneliness.
I walk over to my small shabby mirror and stare blankly at my reflection. I'm staring at my twelve year old self, its only been a few weeks since my mother's passing.
The void I felt after her loss was still incredibly deep and the pain in my chest was still fresh. My eyes fill with tears at the mere thought of her and I turn my young face away from the mirror and leave my room, walking over to Aaron's bedroom beside me.
He's laying on his bed, the lights are off but a strong ray of light enters from behind his curtains. His eyes are wide open. I enter and Aaron doesn't make a move to acknowledge my sudden appearance. He only continues staring off into space and as I make my way over to his bed and lie down beside him he finally lets out a soft sigh.
'Are you okay El?' He asks finally turning over to face me and putting his attention on me rather than his plain white walls.
I shake my head in reply to his question, and that is enough for him to understand what I'm going through. He looks into my eyes and reads every thought that goes through my mind. My eyes read... I miss mom. I'm scared. I want to run away from here. I need to leave.
His eyes speak volumes as well and I can tell we are both on the same page because both of our eyes have grown glassy and wet with tears in these past few minutes. We don't say much though, we just lie down silently, thinking everything over and it's almost peaceful until our father comes barging in.
He opens the door so harshly that it aggressively slams into Aaron's bedroom wall. I didn't know this at the time, but the force created a dent in Aaron's wall and it's still there to this day. It was never filled in or fixed. 'I thought I heard footsteps.' My father says and he walks towards us yanking me from where I was on the bed so I'm standing up beside him now and he's holding me in his grasp.
'It's twelve p.m what are the two of you doing home?!' He's squeezing my arm so hard that it hurts but I don't cry out in pain, I just wait until he lets go, but he doesn't let go.
Aaron notices my father is intoxicated so he tries to keep his voice calm and steady. He fears yelling at my father might trigger his anger, but my fathers anger comes without need of a trigger. 'Dad it's Saturday, we don't have school.' Aaron says standing up from his spot on the bed and walking over to us slowly.
My father shakes me violently, his hand still clutching onto my arm tightly. I want to cry, I know his tight hold will leave a mark on my skin but I hold back the tears. 'Don't lie to me, I'm not stupid.. do the two of you think that because I'm not your mother I'm an idiot?!' He shakes me harshly again and I want to escape his grasp but I'm too weak to do so.
'I know you're influencing your little sister to skip school with you Aaron, I'm not a dumbass I know when I'm being lied to.' He spits at Aaron's face, his grip on me tightening with every word that escapes him and at this point I can't handle the pain so I whimper and I cry out in pain, I yank my arm hoping I'll be free of him but all I feel is him crushing my bones with his strong grasp.
'Dad you're hurting her!' Aaron screams trying to walk towards me and help, but it only results in him getting shoved back onto the bed with my fathers free hand.
'DON'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!' My father screams at Aaron and then he turns me around so I'm facing him. My eyes meet his and I know he can see the tears that stream down my face, and the look of disgust that I wear when I look at him. 'Go to school.. now.' His words are sharp and laced with anger. 'I'll deal with your brother. If he wants to skip school he can do it under my watch. As for you, I expect good grades and a perfect attendance.' He finally lets go of me and once I'm free I don't waste a second, I immediately run out of the room.
I want to tell him it's Saturday. I want to tell him Aaron is not lying, that he isn't influencing me to skip school. But it's no use, my father is too drunk to listen to us, and Aaron knows that because as I escape the bedroom he looks at me and I know what his look means.
Go. Don't come back before dinner.
And as I get dressed and pointlessly grab my school bag, preparing to go to 'school' I have to painfully listen to Aaron's loud cries as my father punishes him for doing nothing.
He did nothing.
'Ella?' A voice wakes me up from my deep sleep and as I shift uncomfortably in my small bed I realize I'm sweating and someone lies beside me on this gloomy night.
It's Noelle. I completely forgot about last night, I don't even remember us falling asleep. The last thing I remember is hearing her talk about her parents and now I'm here, sweaty, with my heart pounding in my chest and my eyes filled with fear.
'What happened?' I ask, wondering why she woke me up. Judging by how dark it is outside I can tell it's still the middle of night.
'You were talking in your sleep. You sounded scared and you were sweating. I think you were having a nightmare.' Noelle explains, and even in the darkness I can tell she is looking at me with concern.
I nod. 'Yeah. It was just a nightmare.' I say, letting out a quiet sigh. 'I'm sorry I woke you.'
Noelle shakes her head. 'It's fine. Do you want to talk about it?' She asks but I simply turn her offer down.
I thought I'd completely forgotten about my dad, I thought I'd finally found peace in this small apartment with Aaron, far away from my father and his ways.
But I was wrong.
That fear I have of him will always be there, the memories I have of him will always exist in the back of my mind and they will keep reminding me of just how hard it was living in that house, and being in his presence.
Seeing him at the convenience store triggered the fear I had been so keen on concealing and locking away. Seeing him made me realize that although I'm far away from him, he still exists. And he is still free to roam around the city and we may possibly cross paths again.
And that thought terrifies me.
The nightmare had felt so real, too real. My house looked the same, so did my bedroom and my dirty mirror. I could even smell my fathers signature scent in that house. It all sent shivers down my spine.
'Goodnight.' Noelle says to me as she gets comfortable beside me on the bed again.
I rest my head on the pillow but I don't dare close my eyes. 'Goodnight.' I say, but I know I won't fall asleep.
I know if I close my eyes, I'll see him again.
***
The entire car ride to the hospital I can't help but feel like I'm holding back a loud sob. I feel a hard lump in my throat and my eyes begin to water every few minutes but I look away and stare out the window because I can't have Timothée or Noel worrying about me.
'It's been more than a week and they still won't let us see him.' Timothée sighs, his eyes trained on the road. I harshly blink back the tears that dare to escape my eyes and I turn to look at him, keeping my voice steady.
'I'm sure it's for a good reason.' I say placing my hand on his head and brushing my fingers through his hair. 'They're probably prioritizing his family members over his friends. You'll get to see him at some point.' I explain and Timothée nods.
'I know. I know it's just... I shouldn't complain because he's doing well but I kind of what to see that for myself you know?' Timothée elaborates and I nod in understanding, so does Noelle.
We finally reach the hospital and I do my best to conceal how nervous I am. I wish I could say I'm nervous because of Alex and the stuff going on with him, but really it's my dad. It's always been my fucking dad.
His antics have always been the cause of my sadness and my stress. Thinking of him always sparks panic and anxiety and I can't help but let my thoughts of him consume me.
We're in the elevator and Timothée senses my discomfort. I'm fighting with my hands, tapping them on my leg and I suddenly feel him reaching over and intertwining his fingers with my own.
His clutch steadies me. 'Is everything alright love?' He whispers into my ear, I can feel his warm breath on my neck and it calms me down and steadies my nerves.
I nod slowly. Some things are better left unsaid.
If we weren't at the hospital preparing to see his best friend who is in a coma I would have told him what was worrying me, but we are here and this isn't the time and place for my problems.
'I'm fine. Just nervous.' I say and technically it's not a lie. I am nervous, but not for the same reason.
Timothée places a kiss on my forehead. 'So am I.' He explains.
Noelle looks at me all of a sudden and I can tell from her worried expression that she tied my nerves right now to the nightmare I had last night. She doesn't say anything though, she simply looks away.
I know she's going to ask me about this later, when we're alone.
The elevator door opens and as per usual we explain to the lady at the front desk that we're here to see Alex Brewer and her usual reply is 'ok take a seat in the waiting room please.' We don't even argue we just simply head for the room but on our way there a woman with a familiar face catches my eye.
I study her. She has Alex's chocolate brown eyes and his small smile. She grins at Timothée and then engulfs him into a hug. It doesn't take much for me to know Mrs. Brewer, Alex's own mother.
I've never met her. I might have seen her once picking him up from school when we were younger but I never memorized her face, her kind face. I smile warmly as she hugs Timothée and then pulls away from him.
'Mrs. Brewer, how's Alex we've been coming here everyday to check up on him.' Timothée explains.
She frowns. 'You have been? No one told me. If I'd known you were here I would have let you in to see him.' She says sounding exasperated.
Timothée shrugs. 'We tried but they never let us in.'
Mrs. Brewer opens her mouth to protest but then she holds herself back. 'I'm sorry to hear that son. I'll see what the deal is with this place, but in the meantime, go see him. He'll be glad to talk to someone other than me and his dad. We've been bothering him all morning. We're so glad he's okay.'
My mouth drops in complete shock and I hold myself back from gasping. Timothée's eyes widen in complete shock as well and I see Noelle stepping back in surprise. 'He's awake?' Timothée says a smile growing on his face.
Mrs. Brewer nods happily. 'Yes, he woke up at about 4 a.m. he's been up for a good 8 hours now and he seems to be amazing.' Timothée pulls her into a hug again and I hear him letting out a sigh of relief.
I can see Mrs. Brewer smiling widely as she holds him close. 'Come on, I'll take you all to see him.' She says and just like that she simply leads us to his room.
We enter and Alex seems to be having a conversation with his father but once he catches sight of Timothée he goes silent. 'MY MAN!' He yells holding his arms wide open for Timothée to step into. And Timothée does just that.
The two of them hold eachother for a long time and just the sight of Timothée shaking in his best friends arms makes the lump in my throat return, but this time I don't hold it back because Mrs. Brewer and Mr. Brewer simply let their tears go loose so I do the same.
I cry and I don't feel ashamed of it because the sight before me is too touching and beautiful. 'I'm so glad you're okay.' Timothée says and although his voice is muffled by Alex's shirt I can still make out what he says.
Alex laughs and once they both pull away they take a minute to rub the tears from their faces. 'I'm glad I'm okay too.' Alex admits and in just a moments time Timothée goes from hugging him to smacking him on the chest.
'Don't ever fucking scare me like that again.' Timothée says and although he sounds to be joking we can all tell he is serious.
Mr. Brewer chimes in. 'Yeah, he knows that if he pulls a stupid stunt like that again I'll kill him myself.' We all laugh trying to make light of a scary situation and after Timothée and Alex share a few words Alex finally brings his attention to the other people in the room.
Those other people being me and Noelle. His eyes land on me first. 'Myers!' He says chuckling. 'Have you finally quit playing soccer?' He asks and I laugh.
He always does that. He always calls me by my last name and he always recites the same catchphrase every time he bumps into me on the soccer field. He knows I'm a good player and he knows I can kick ass so he jokes about how I should quit playing so I don't make other people look bad.
Other people being him.
I walk over and stand beside Timmy. 'Shut up Brewer, I'm never quitting.' I say punching his shoulder softly. 'At least not until you do.' The both of us have a good laugh but once Alex's eyes find Noelle's his laugh dies down.
He stares at her intensely, like she is more than just a mutual friend of his. It almost seems as though he cared about her which makes no sense to me because judging by the way Noelle described her encounter with him it seemed like the two of them were just messing around.
She failed to mention that he looks at her like she is his entire world. 'Hey.' He breaths and the whole room goes silent watching the exchange between the two of them.
'I'm sorry-' Noelle starts with tears in her eyes but Alex cuts her off before she can finish her sentence.
'Don't be.' He says. 'It wasn't your fault.' Timothée furrows his eyebrows at me in confusion but I send him a look that means I'll explain later. He nods in reply.
'Come here.' Alex says and Noelle doesn't waste a minute as she walks over to him and they pull eachother in for a hug.
'Seriously dude.' Timothée says watching them hug. 'Don't ever do that dumb shit again.'
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Loved this chapter. How are you guys holding up :)