Jack and Dean are sitting on the couch, with Castiel in a chair nearby. Jack shoves a burger in his mouth, and Castiel has to fight back a laugh.
"You can slow down, you know," Dean remarks. "That stuff's not gonna disappear."
Castiel scoffs. "Ever seen you eat, Dean?"
Dean bitch faces him, then grabs a beer. Jack eyes him for a moment, then does the same, popping the cap off with ease.
"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Dean says quickly. "How old do you think you are?"
Without a pause, Jack replies, "17 years, 5 days, 17 hours, and 42 minutes."
Dean eyes him for a moment, then shrugs. He takes a sip of his beer, and Jack does the same — with a beer bottle full of apple juice, or course, but the audience doesn't have to know that.
"This book..." Jack holds up the Bible. "It mentions your brother, Lucifer." He glances at Castiel as he says it, then turns his attention back to Dean.
Dean chuckles drily. "Yeah, he's big in the Bible. Lotta screen..."
Dean bursts out laughing, dropping his head in his hands. "Sorry, that's just..."
"I know, I know," Lucifer says with a grin. "I am the funniest person alive."
Dean looks up at him and says through his laughs, "This is so, so bad."
"That's exactly what I wanted to hear," Lucifer says proudly. "Now shushles. We got a video to finish. Dean, we're back at your line — if you can finish it this time."
"Oh, shut up."
"And, action!"
"Yeah, he's big in the Bible," Dean says again, this time with a straight face. "Lotta screen time."
"And you... know him?" Jack asks. "A celebrity?"
"Well, he's not really an easy guy to know," Castiel says, one of his only lines in the skit. "He's, um... he's kind of rough around the edges."
"He's Satan," Dean deadpans.
"And that's... that's bad," Jack says slowly, as if he's just now learning about Satan.
Castiel cracks a small smile at that. He's allowed to do that, per Lucifer's rules. He's just a spectator.
Dean just looks at Jack for a moment, a smile growing on his lips, then slowly doubles over in laughter.
"Hey, Dean," Lucifer says, "Has anyone ever told you that you suck at this?"
"I'm sorry, this is just..." Dean shakes his head to himself, pulling himself together. "This is just so, so bad."
"Of course it is," Lucifer says. "I wrote it."
"I regret letting you make me do this," Dean says.
"I'm starting to regret letting you do it, too," Lucifer says.
"Sorry, sorry, I'll stop," Dean says. "Just... 'He's satan.' 'Is that bad?'"
"By far the best part of the script," Castiel agrees.
"But the point of the video is the Jack copying Dean, not the dumb Bible-Satan-whatever jokes," Lucifer pouts. "That's just my brand."
"And your brand is fucking awful," Dean says. "I love it."
"Can you at least pretend your favorite part is the actual joke of the video, and not the Satan jokes?"
"I can try, but no promises," Dean says.
"Alright, back to the video. Dean, your turn. And action!"
Dean takes a moment to compose himself, then resumes with the video.
"Damn straight," Dean says. "See, he turned on his father, God."
"God," Jack repeats slowly. He taps the cover of the Bible thoughtfully. "He's in here, too. Is he famous or something?"
"Yeah, God basically... well, created everything," Dean explains.
"So, God's, like, everyone's dad," Jack says. "He's family, and that's..." He smiles slightly. "That's good."
"Sometimes," Dean allows, putting his feet up on the table.
Jack looks at him, then slowly puts his feet up, too.
"Okay, all right, will you stop?" Dean snaps
Jack slowly puts his feet back on the ground and mutters an awkward, "Sorry."
"Thank you," Dean says indignantly.
"So, God's magic, right?" Jack asks. "And he's basically my dad. Does that mean I'm magic, too?"
"Let's test it," Dean says, and though anyone else would recognize by his tone of voice that he's messing with the kid, Jack is oblivious. .
"How?"
"Well..." Dean thinks for a moment. "For instance, say you wanted to be someplace else right now. Could you?"
"What do you mean?" Jack asks.
"Like, if you wanted to be on the other side of that door —" Dean points to the bedroom door, "right this instant, what would you do?"
After a brief pause, Jack stands up and walks through the door, closing it behind him.
"That was great," Lucifer practically shouts, clapping his hands together with excitement.
Jack knocks on the door. "Is that it?"
"Yee, come hither, Sir Jack," Lucifer says.
Jack walks back into the room, beaming. "That was fun!"
"You are so much better at this than Dean is," Lucifer says. "Can you please be in every single video I make?"
"I wish I had the time for that," Jack says. "This was so much fun!"
"And you got to go in the forbidden room, too," Lucifer adds. "No one ever goes in the forbidden room."
"What?" Jack asks, confused.
Lucifer points at the bedroom door.
"It's really not forbidden," Castiel says. "There's really nothing secret or whatever in there."
"That's what you want us to think," Lucifer says.
"Yes, it is, because it's true," Dean says. "I mean, unless you count the dog in there, there are no forbidden secrets or whatever."
"Speaking of which," Lucifer says, "can someone let the pupper out?"
Jack opens the bedroom door again, but Peanut doesn't escape. Jack looks in, confused, then chuckles.
"What?" Lucifer asks. "What's my pupper doing?"
"Sleeping on the bed," Jack replies. "He's a little lazy sometimes.'
"Wait, he's on the bed?" Dean scoffs. "Great, dog. Make yourself at home."
"Oh, sorry, I'll get him off," Jack says quickly. "He's just used to the most comfortable human furniture."
"No, it's fine," Castiel assures him. "He can hang out there until we leave."
"Cas!" Dean whines.
"What? He's just a dog," Castiel says. "It's not like he's messing up the bed or whatever. He's just lying there, being a dog."
"Yeah, he's lying there being a dog on our bed."
"But he's not doing anything," Castiel insists.
"Then he can not do anything somewhere else!"
"Y'all gotta shut your fucking faces before your negative energy bothers my pup," Lucifer says. "You're not supposed to bicker like an old married couple until you're either old or married, and y'all are neither."
"I'm retired, my dude," Dean says. "That makes me old by default, so we're halfway there."
"That's not the first time you've said that, and your logic is still really flawed," Lucifer says.
"Not as flawed as Cas'," Dean says. "At least I didn't let the dog on the bed."
"That's just more proof that your logic is flawed," Lucifer says. "He's a pupper. Let him do pupper things."
Apparently, it doesn't matter, because Peanut hops off the bed and trots over, without Dean kicking him off the bed. Peanut jumps up on Jack's legs, panting with excitement.
"Aw, hey, buddy," Jack coos, scratching behind his ear. Peanut leans his head towards Jack's hand, content.
"I want a puppy," Lucifer pouts.
"I promise you, the puppy doesn't want you," Dean says.
"Fuck you, yes he does," Lucifer says. "I will be his bestest friend." He pauses. "Her bestest friend? I don't know yet."
"I don't know if I'd trust you to take care of a dog," Castiel says. "Not alone, at least."
"I wouldn't be alone," Lucifer says. "I have Claire! And Alex! Between the three of us, we could keep him-slash-her alive."
"I don't know, man," Dean says.
"Well, they have kept Alex alive for almost two years," Jack says. "I think they could take care of a dog, too."
"See?" Lucifer says. "Jack believes in me."
"Jack doesn't know you like we do," Dean replies.
"Well, Marky's still alive," Lucifer says. "If I can keep a piggy, I can keep a puppy."
"No, you can't," Dean says.
"Why not?" Lucifer whines.
"Because."
Lucifer crosses his arms. "Fine, mom."
"I still think you should get a puppy," Jack says. "There are so many just stuck in cages at animal shelters. I mean, dogs from breeders have it way worse, but you definitely don't want to give them any money."
Lucifer gasps. "Jack, you're a genius!"
"Thank you?" Jack says uncertainly.
"Breeders are shitty pupper owners, right?" Lucifer says. "So we want to save the puppers, but we don't want to pay the shitsters. So, obviously, we just have to go steal all the breeder's puppers!"
"I, uh... I don't think that's very legal," Jack says.
"Neither is animal cruelty, and yet here we are."
"Just so you know," Dean says, "if you end up in jail for stealing someone's dogs, I'm not bailing you out."
"Ditto," Castiel says.
"That's okay," Lucifer says. "Jack's the one who brought up how bad the lil puppers have it. He'll take pity on me and the pups and bail me out, right?"
"I don't know," Jack says. "You'd probably have to give the dogs back and pay them for stealing them. This all seems very counterproductive."
"I can't be forced to give back the dogs if no one can find the dogs," Lucifer says with an evil grin. "Quick, where can I buy a new house?"