Expectation is the root of all heartache - William Shakespeare
ENITAN
When I asked if he had called off the wedding, a little part of me hoped for a miracle. His silence felt like a blow to my chest. I felt stupid for letting myself have a glimmer of hope.
Clearly, I was on my own. Having his baby won't change that. But what did I expect, that he'd break off the engagement and pick me?
I laid underneath the sheets, deep in thought. The sound of an animation on TV played in the background, but it failed to distract me. My eyes remained fixated on the beeping heart monitor, till past five in the evening when Tanya sneaked in.
"Did someone die in here?"
I turned my head to the door and saw the gleaming smile plastered on her makeup free, yet beautiful face. Her short figure wobbled from the door to the middle of the room, causing the black wavy hair extension to bounce over the grey turtleneck sweater. With one hand on her hip that was outlined by the blue fitted jean, she swayed her curves in an exaggerated catwalk towards the sofa, then dumped her hand bag on it.
I couldn't help the half smile that crept up my face. Tanya depicted sunshine on a cloudy day and everyday I thanked God I met her during our National Youth Service in Adamawa.
"You're late."
She smiled. "Is that an 'I miss you' I hear?"
I adjusted my position, so I now faced her.
"Bunny-" I sighed.
I wished she could read my mind and feel the emptiness in my chest. I contemplated on telling her about the pregnancy, but my brain still processed the news and I struggled to sort out my feelings about taking my life. I didn't want her to influence my decision, so I kept shut.
"Sad much? I brought you something to cheer you up. A new phone! I had a friend of mine in computer village deliver it over the weekend," She reached for the bag on the sofa.
"What's this?" She asked. Walking to the small bedside cabinet.
I peeped at the top of the cabinet but couldn't see what she asked about.
"Wow. They're discharging you, why didn't you tell me?"
"What?" I asked, confused. But my eyes spotted the white envelope in her hands and I panicked.
"Tanya don't," I warned. But it came too late as she already ripped off the seal and opened it like a Christmas gift.
"Why is a lab test lying around careless- Wait. Oh my God!" She screamed, with a hand covering her mouth while the other held the paper as she stared eyes wide at it.
I hate you Jameel. I mentally face-palmed. He must have forgotten the test results there after Nathan interrupted. What if Nathan had seen it?
"I'm going to be an aunty and a godmother!" She jumped and screamed, excited.
"Tanya please sit."
"Dear baby, please be a girl," She rubbed my flat belly, I looked at it too, it didn't feel a living being was growing inside of it. She rambled on about her plans for the baby.
I closed my eyes and my mind drifted to space, her voice faded into a distant babble. My head ticked, like a time bomb with only three seconds left.
"I'm not keeping it," I blurted out.
"What!" Her eyes grew the size of a baseball.
"I'm not keeping the baby," I said. This time, confidently. My eyes opened but did not meet hers, still I felt the heat of her gaze.
"Are you insane?" She flared up. "Are you thinking straight right now?"
"I don't know what to do Tanya. I'm so lost!"
"How can you not know what to do? You're an adult who had unprotected sex! What did you expect would be the result, confetti and balloons? Certainly you must have known and prepared for the outcome."
I glowered at her, but she seemed unfazed, so I spoke.
"If I keep the baby, what next? Nate doesn't even want me anymore. He won't want this baby. I can't do this by myself,"
"Babe! What makes you so sure, have you told him?" She asked, curiously.
"No. But he was here today and-"
"Nathan was here?" She asked, surprised.
"Telling him about a baby now would only make me look desperate. It won't change his mind."
"Look, this child's future is more important than your pride and fear of rejection. Call him now. Or I will."
"Good luck with that."
Assured that Tanya had no way of getting Nathan's phone number, I rested on my back and closed me eyes to think of my predicament.
"Uh." She groaned. "Why is he not picking up?"
My eyes instantly flung open and locked with Tanya's. What the hell? She stood, holding a small leather book I recognised as my phonebook. "Oh this," she waved the book. "I thought you might need it so I picked it from your drawer."
To hell with where you picked it from.
"What are you doing?" I asked. My heart beat faster than a Konga drum.
"Calling the father of your baby, before you do something you'll regret," she answered, unconcerned.
"It's not your place to do that!"
"Yeah. It's not my place. You always say that but end up thanking me for saving your reckless ass," She said, as a matter of fact.
She was just two years older than me yet, she acted like my mother. It pissed me off.
She dialled the number countless times without an answer on the other end. Unfathomable waves of disappointment crashed over me. But was that not what I wanted? For him not to know? So why did it feel like a shredder just spitted out my heart?
"Know this. I'm not giving up," She said. Her voice laced with determination. She sat on the bed, her back against me, as she surfed through TV channels.
****
Tanya's plan to contact Nathan failed, both of his numbers never went through after the first night of trying. I worried about his safety, but a week after his visit to the hospital, pictures of his traditional introduction to his Fiancée graced the covers of magazines and blogs. And along with it, the announcement of the official wedding date. It shattered me. So I made up my mind to cut off everything that reminded me off him, even if it meant his baby too.
****
Hours turned into difficult days. Thanks to my family, Tanya, Lisa and Jameel, who turned the hospital room into a flower garden and balloon showroom, I managed to drag myself on and abolish thoughts of suicide. As my health improved, the nurses stopped the daily penta injections. The stitches and leg brace were removed. Surprisingly, My father took the news of the pregnancy well, despite the potential negative impact on his reputation as a church elder.
Jameel's visit every evening, after work hours became a routine, the only one that kept me sane. He brought me flowers and almost everything on sale at the mall. He always bade goodnight with a kiss on my forehead and I never rejected him, because somehow, I felt safe with his kiss. The lie I told myself to ease the guilt that he reminded me of Nathan.
Two weeks after I'd found out about the pregnancy, the hospital's management signed my release form, with a few drugs prescription from Dr Jameel. I returned to my apartment in Ikeja, with Tanya as my nanny.
******
On the third night of my return, sleep eluded me again, due to the insomnia that now tormented me. I rested against the headboard of the queen size bed, as my laptop rested on my stretched out legs. I searched for details and contacts of any abortion clinic online. I got the information after being redirected to several numbers to verify my identity.
I suddenly developed cold feet and began to second guess my decision. It didn't take long for all the bad memories of the past five to six weeks to hit me. I copied the phone number and address on a piece of paper, closed my laptop and laid on the bed. While Tanya slumbered, I waited impatiently for dawn.
The next morning, at some minutes past eight, I alighted the Uber, blocks from my destination. The dirty and thug-filled environment only increased the uneasiness in my gut. I walked toward the end of the street, where I sighted the small illegal clinic disguised as a pharmacy. I reached the transparent glass pane doors, slid them open and walked in.
This Chapter is yet to be edated proofreaded, haa ok you get my point.
😂 I sincerly apologise for the update that's four days late, life happened. Sorryy. Next update on Wednesday.
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