Chapter 15
Jagger
Pen To Paper
I wouldn’t wish this feeling upon any of my worst enemies.
The feeling of hopelessness and utter confusion just consumed the entirety of me. My mind was reeling with images of us fumbling with shaky hands and soft lips. I remembered placing the condom on, it was right after I lifted it out of the pocket of my jeans on the bedroom floor. I knew how to avoid causes like these; I was the expert at working my way around results like these. I’d spent years in bed with girls, some more than once and always remembered to protect myself.
To protect myself from the physical and emotional aspects of instances like these.
What the hell was I going to do now? How do I go about the career of a lifetime when the girls of my dreams was carrying my child inside of her?
I cringed outwardly at the thought of a part of me growing inside of her. There did not, under any circumstances, need to be a mini-me brought into this world. One Jagger Linden was enough of a fuck up in this world, and another one was not needed. How would they act? How would they look? Will they look like me, talk like me, act like me?
I contemplated so many options…adoption, keeping it, terminating the pregnancy. When I thought of the last one, I felt like a complete asshole and immediately forfeited that option. I wouldn’t have the heart to kill an unborn kid. The kid, even if we didn’t decide to keep it, needed to experience the world on its own. It needed to see the good and the bad. The bad most represented in their father.
How the hell could I have been so stupid? I shouldn’t have allowed this to happen. Ella and I were full of problems before this one decided to butt its way in. We couldn’t handle a baby of all things right now. She was only nineteen, and I was getting a shot at my dream. There was no way I could tour all the way over in Europe while she was at home, suffering from the repercussions of something I led her into.
At some point, I found myself regretting even pushing for a dance at that party over a month ago. I thought, maybe if I hadn’t flirted my way to the bedroom, this wouldn’t have happened. I would be able to tour the world without a care in the world, with a light-hearted way of life. I wouldn’t be worrying about Ella’s fears and breaking her heart. I wouldn’t be freaking out over the fact that a child that I helped create was going to be placed in this world.
But then I’d think of all the negatives of not going for that first dance. If I hadn’t talked to her first, if I hadn’t pursued a thing, I wouldn’t be feeling that hole in my heart closing up just a bit, day by day, all thanks to her. I wouldn’t have that face to be excited to see while I was away on tour. I couldn’t engage in Skype conversations, telling someone about my hopes and dreams that actually cared enough to listen. And as cheesy as it sounds, I would have never known what it was like to actually feel something for somebody else.
All I could feel was the light rain pattering against my skin, drop by drop, as I walked the busy sidewalks. I hadn’t even registered the handful of people I kept bumping into accidentally until someone cursed loudly at me before walking off. I kept my gaze far off, letting my mind run in circles around the fact that I was fathering a child. This was something I’d never expected to have to deal with. This was why I stayed protected and strayed away from relationships. But the main question dangling around the center of it all was this:
Why did I leave like that?
I couldn’t find it in myself to walk back to her apartment, to apologize and beg for forgiveness. I didn’t burst through the door and tell her how much I regretted leaving her in the first place. I didn’t go back and say, Sorry! I’m back. I just kept walking and walking, no certain destination in mind. I’d never been this lost before, this confused. I wasn’t ready to be a father. Hell, I wasn’t even ready for a relationship yet.
My phone broke me out of my reveries and I almost jumped at the sound.
“Hello?” I mumbled, not really paying attention to the person on the other line.
“Where did you disappear to?” Wyatt asked, a hint of joking in his tone.
"I’m back in Everest.”
“Are you serious?” he shouted. “Why didn’t you tell anyone you left?”
“I told Cooper,” I sighed, not up for keeping him on the phone. I needed to think.
“But you didn’t tell us…” he pushed.
“I didn’t think it would matter. I needed to fix everything. I didn’t want people involved. I put you guys through enough already,” I sulked, pushing strands of damp hair from my forehead.
“We’re supposed to be buds, Jag. You know you could’ve told me what was going on. Wait…does this have to do with Ella?”
I rolled my eyes. I really wasn’t up to this conversation. “It is. But I don’t want to talk about it.”
For as long as I could remember, I was never good at expressing myself with words. That was why song writing appealed so much to me. It flowed right out of me while I put pen to paper, lyrics to music. In conversation, I was always struggling with how exactly to word how I felt.
Music was easier.
Wyatt laughed a little on the other line. “Here comes another hit.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, slightly confused.
“Whenever something big happens, you become this self-involved case. You don’t talk to anyone for a little while, put pen to paper, and we have another hit.”
I stopped in my tracks, the unknown distance now halted. Something popped into my mind so quickly, I almost didn’t catch it. That’s exactly what I needed to do. I couldn’t express in a face-to-face conversation how I felt about this whole situation, about Ella. But I could do it in a song. Songs always seemed to work out with us.
“Another hit…” I murmured. As I thought this over, more and more ideas kept popping into head in succession. “Wy, you remember that cousin of yours that was really good at singing?”
“Yeah, what about her?” he questioned, sounding confused.
“Can she write?”
“Not really,” he mumbled. “I mean she doesn’t even sing in front of crowds. That husband of hers just told her she was really good and she recorded one demo for me. Why? What are you getting at here?”
“I’d like to write a song with her, record a duet.”
He laughed heartily and I scowled. “She doesn’t do it like professionally, Jag. She only started singing that well like two years ago.”
“So? She has a good voice. And didn’t you say she was flying in to California for a visit this week?”
“Jag, this idea is just…” he went on, but I interrupted him.
“Let her know what I want to do. I have to go. I’ll see you later,” I snapped, before ending the call and letting my mind lead the way for once.
*~*~*~*~*
A few days later, I was sat nervously in the recording studio in California. I hadn’t tried to call Ella, tried to explain myself, or go back to her apartment before boarding my flight back home. I let it rest for a while, hoping this idea I had in mind would be enough for her to see why I felt so frustrated, so confused.
Wyatt’s cousin walked through the large, wooden door. It slammed shut loudly behind her as she winced a little. Her long, red hair was curled in light waves and her face was dusted with freckles. If I hadn’t had a girl back home for me, I would’ve have tried to get her attention for my own purposes.
But this was completely different now.
“Bailey,” I smiled small, getting up from the large leather chair in front of the soundboard and shaking her hand.
She shook my hand lightly and grinned back. “Nice to see you again, Jag.”
We’d met a few times before, but only briefly. As a best friend of Wyatt’s for years, I was always invited to family gatherings and she was always there. We’d talk for a few minutes, exchange pleasantries, but that was all. Now things were about to get personal.
“I’m surprised you took me up on my offer,” I continued, ushering her to an adjacent leather chair.
She sat down almost daintily and waved a hand nonchalantly. “I liked the idea! But what made you come up with the idea that involved little old me?”
“You see…there’s this girl…” I stuttered, smiling almost sheepishly.
She smiled at my nervousness while I explained my situation, casually leaving out the pregnancy news. None of the guys, including Cooper, knew about that yet, and I just wasn’t ready to tell them about it.
“Oh, I love that!” she gushed, placing a hand over her heart. “I wish my husband could sing. I’d love to have songs written for me! Well, I mean what girl doesn’t…” she blushed briefly.
“I was hoping you could…help me… you know, write it,” I muttered, picking up the pen in front of me and focusing all of my attention on it.
“I’d be happy to, Jag,” she said, smiling warmly. “Although I don’t have any experience in writing songs.”
“It’s not big deal! I mean, now that you know the story, maybe you could sort of…write it from her point of view?”
She agreed with another signature grin and nodded silently. We moved in a whirlwind of sorts, bouncing ideas off of each other. She would lightly sing some part she thought of, and I would join in, making up lyrics as I went along. It was almost effortless, working with her. She was so easy to bounce ideas off of, so easy to cooperate with. It was nice to finally have a fellow singer to share the light with for a while. And if it all went according to plan, I’d be able to get my girl back in no time.
When Bailey finished the last note with a breathless word, I grinned widely for the first time since the beginning of the week. I took a sip of the beer on the sound board and gestured for a ‘cheers!’ with her bottle of water.
“She’s going to love this,” Bailey gushed.
“We can only hope,” I grumbled, the smile fading a bit.
I hadn’t ever gone this long without contact with Ella. But I didn’t know what to say, or rather how to say how I was feeling. She probably hated me right now; after all I did walk out on her in the middle of the most important discussion of our lives.
“It’s going to be alright, Jag,” she whispered, placing a warm hand on top of mine.
I shook my head, not choosing to believe that this could become something good. Nothing in my life ever seemed to at this point. Why would this be any different?
“You know…my husband was a lot like Bailey. I was in a way, too. Sometimes it’s hard to open up to someone. Maybe there’s a reason behind it, maybe there’s not. But time is what it takes. If you both love each other enough…things will fall into place.”
It was all left up to hope now. After all, I was doing all of this for her…for us.
A/N - Well Bailey makes an appearance for the first time in this novel! For anyone who has read WHWC, that would be her. She'll be back again (: I'm so, so appreciative of the support I've gotten from you guys! I'm really trying to end up on either the top romance or teen fiction lists, so please do vote or comment if you can. Thanks again my lovely readers (: