Julian
Leon's eyes suddenly flew open after only a few seconds of having been lost in his memory. Peering deeply into those eyes for answers to what he saw, I instantly picked up the confusion and worry hidden in them. It was interesting, for I would have suspected to see him filled more with sorrow than anything else.
"Ciprian sent you into your memories," I said, hoping to initiate the conversation and find out why he looked like that. "Did you see the day your friends died?"
The worry stuck around in Leon's eyes as he looked around at those of us there, seeming a bit lost. However, the confusion faded away as I saw his decision present in the firm set of his jaw not to say what he truly saw.
"I saw them dead again," Leon merely said.
"What happened?" I asked, hoping to get him to change his mind. "What did you remember that you didn't already?"
"Nothing," Leon said. "All I ever remember is getting trapped, and then seeing my squad's dead bodies."
"And that is what you saw this time?"
"Yes."
I found myself immensely frustrated that Leon was unwilling to share what happened. I could see that he knew exactly what happened. Though he might have thought he was fooling me, he wasn't. Master Jobi trained me too well. He remembered. He had been accused of killing his friends, but he wasn't willing to say what really happened. It was frustrating. A quick glance at a fuming Tass confirmed my suspicion that she was taking Leon's non-answer as proof he did something bad, but I wasn't so pessimistic. I firmly believed something happened the day Leon's old friends died, but I also firmly believed it wasn't his fault.
"Tell us what happened," Tass insisted. "You know."
"Agreed," I concurred. "You know but you're refusing to tell us. Tell us now."
I knew that whatever Leon was hiding, it was important, or else he wouldn't be trying to conceal what happened. Since it was important, I needed to know it. Leon shouldn't try to hide things from me that were important. My parents hid critical things from me, and then they died while there were things going on dealing with that critical thing. If they'd just told me, I'd know it all, and everything would be okay. They wouldn't have died.
I couldn't let something happen like that again. Knowledge would have probably let me save my parents, and it would let me save Leon and the rest of Squad 16 now. Leon had to tell me. It was the only way everything would turn out alright.
"I don't know anything," Leon insisted.
"Tell me!" I yelled.
I couldn't stand people hiding things that were important from me anymore. That was how my parents died and I wasn't going to allow anyone else to die because I didn't know things. Leon had to tell me, or else this mystery could result in the deaths of Squad 16 — my friends.
Leon was staring at me with shocked eyes, quiet as he no doubt worried about my sudden change in behavior. I too was worried about all the negative feelings swirling inside of me, but I was more worried about my squadmates dying because Leon refused to share information with me. That was more worrisome.
"Tell me," I commanded.
"Later, Julian," Leon replied.
His voice was shaky and uncertain, making me think he wasn't going to share the information. So, I decided that if he wasn't going to offer up the information voluntarily, then I'd have to make him.
I tackled him onto his back in a flash, pinning him to the ground. Using my right hand, I snapped the bones in his pinkie finger as incentive, letting him know I was in control now, causing him to elicit a glorious scream of pain, full of fear. It was wonderful, letting me know it truly bothered Leon, for that meant he was going to tell me everything.
And then I realized what I was doing. And screamed myself.
I screamed even louder than Leon as I scrambled off of him. I felt terrified — my heartbeat was erratic and my breathing was labored, like I'd just been running for my life. I couldn't believe I'd ever do something so awful, no matter how angry I was. Whatever just happened to me, I couldn't possibly believe I was in full control of myself. Never would I even imagine causing pain like that, especially to a friend of mine. It wasn't me that just did that. It couldn't have been.
"Julian?" Leon asked, his face full of worry. "Are you okay?"
In a most ungraceful manner, I burst in tears, my body racking with sobs. I couldn't believe I had done something horrendous, and the fact that I had was eating me alive. It made me feel completely awful — like a monster that didn't deserve to live because it was so terrible.
"Julian, it's okay," Leon said. "It's not your fault."
I stared at him through my tear-blurred vision, wondering why he seemed so assured of that. I had hurt him, and that wasn't okay. It was all my terrible fault.
"He's right," Katrina said. "Your eyes... they turned black."
Although Katrina sounded comforting, I didn't fail to notice that it almost sounded like she thought it was unfair that I had an excuse for doing wrong, but she didn't. Normally, I would have comforted her, but I was feeling to distressed to do it now.
Distressed was probably too weak of a word. My feelings were a lot stronger than "distressed". Saying it was gut-wrenching or traumatic was an understatement. Even to say it was agonizing felt like it wasn't enough. Even as I scooted towards Leon to heal his finger, I knew there was no undoing what I had just done. It was horrible and everyone deserved to hate me a million times over for it.
It seemed Tass fully agreed with me on that point, because, before I could get to him, she forcibly tackled me away from him.
"Don't hurt him!" she yelled in my face.
"I'm trying to heal him!" I yelled back.
"Then why the hell did you attack him?"
"I didn't mean too! I got possessed or something!"
Just thinking about it wanted to make me puke up my guts. If Tass was in any way sane, she would understand that there was no way I'd harm Leon of my own accord.
Unfortunately, Tass wasn't fully sane.
"Possessed?" she spat. "You're supposed to be an amazing liar, but that's the best you can come up with?"
"I'm not lying! It's the truth!" I defended.
"Yeah, right," Tass said, pressing her arm to my neck. "You're an evil traitor."
"I'm not a traitor. There was just something inside me that was like a personality that wanted me to do what I did," I tried to explain. "It just took over me."
She had to understand that it wasn't something I did normally. I wouldn't hurt Leon and I wouldn't hurt Tass like she feared.
"Lies," Tass argued.
"Why are you so insistent that it's my fault?" I asked. "You seem incapable of thinking it's anyone but me. Why? What is it about me?"
"You're my friend," Tass blurted out.
The world seemed to freeze, my mouth hanging open, unable to come up with a retort. I could hardly believe Tass had just said that to me, for it seemed something she'd never say, especially now. To hear her say that was such a huge shock I couldn't help but wonder if the world was ending.
"I'm untrustworthy because I'm your friend?" I asked.
"Friends betray you."
"Not this one."
I flashed a grin at her. Hesitantly, like she didn't know if she was allowed, she smiled a small smile back at me. It felt like a huge accomplishment, for it showed she wasn't just going to deny that I was going to betray her despite... despite me harming Leon.
I took a risk and reached up, wrapping my arms around Tass in a hug. She stiffened, but slowly relaxed, and sort of half-hugged me back. That made me laugh.
"I still don't fully trust you," Tass told me.
I snorted. "Really? Why are you letting me get this close? I can easily stab you with a knife at the moment, in case it didn't occur to you that I could."
A stab of worry hit me as I thought about how I hurt Leon, but I tried my very best to shove it aside. Tass was actually acknowledging she wanted to be my friend. It wasn't something that was likely to ever happen again so I couldn't waste such a moment dwelling on other things, if even those other things were awful.
"You are hard to resist," Tass admitted. "You have a very vivacious personality."
"Thanks," I said. "I try. Maybe you should try not to be a pessimist too."
"I'm not a pessimist," Tass said indignantly, despite how obvious it was.
I stared at her, and said, as drily as possible, "Oh, Tass, you are totally pessimistic."
Tass's response was to punch me in the nose. Quickly, I reached up and healed my nose. I didn't really need to touch the part of me I was healing, but it was a bad break because — unsurprisingly — Tass had a killer punch, and I didn't want anyone else to realize and get mad at Tass. I was mad enough at her myself. There were still tears on my face from crying over hurting Leon and she thought it was okay to punch me. I preferred it when she was giving me a hug.
"What was that for?" I asked her.
She shrugged. "You can heal yourself."
I took my hand away from my nose, wiping the small trickle of blood on my pants. Tass watched my hand, with a confused expression on her face.
"What?" I asked her.
"Nothing."
There was more than nothing in that statement, but I decided not to press her. After all, I had no desire to get my nose broken again. Once was enough today. In fact, it was once too much.
To my surprise, though, upon standing up, Tass offered her hand to me. I let her pull me up, wondering why she was doing it.
"What vivacious thing did I do this time to earn your trust as you enter the place where stabbing you is easy?" I asked.
"What sort of comment do you think will get you punched in the face again?" Tass retorted.
To my surprise, she said it warmly, like we really were friends. Thinking about it, I realized Tass was just the sort of person who would show friendship with a playful punch.
"I can try to find one," I said, grinning. "Let's see... It's come to my attention recently that I don't have a best friend-"
"No," Tass cut me off abruptly.
I frowned at her, annoyed she didn't allow me to finish my question. Couldn't she see that if I ever needed a best friend, it was right now? After what just happened with Leon, I needed a best friend to be there for me.
"No to what?" I asked, hoping she misinterpreted me. "I didn't ask a question!"
"I know what you're going to ask, and I'm telling you to not," Tass replied. "If you do, I'm afraid I'm going to have to punch you again, Julian, and I don't get the feeling you want me to."
Her eyes informed me that it was a warning to stop the best-friend topic. However, I wasn't about to just let this go. I wanted Tass to be my best friend so someone would be there for me as I struggled and who could fight off whatever was making me struggle.
Even I knew I was reaching too hard and too fast, but I needed a best friend. Harming Leon made me scared and angry at myself and I just wanted someone to tell me it was okay. I missed my parents, for they would be those people. Tass would be a terrible substitute, but I needed someone, and she was the only option, so she had to be my best friend.
"Please, Tass," I begged. "Be my best friend."
Tass's fist swung towards me, but I was quick enough to dodge it and dart around her. She spun around, glaring at me, annoyed by escape. It was clear she wanted to have successfully punched me. I felt betrayed. We were supposed to be becoming best friends, not archenemies. She was supposed to accept my desperate offer, not firmly reject it.
"Tass, don't you like me?" I asked, more tears stinging my eyes.
"I hate you, Julian," Tass hissed.
She closed her eyes, concentrating, likely trying to absorb some emotion. Which though? Did she want to make herself dislike me? Did she want me to dislike her? Did she want me to ignore her? I couldn't stand it. I felt like I was breaking apart as tears streamed down my face, hurt as she rejected my friendship.
Tass opened her eyes, and any questions I wanted to ask stuck in my throat. Because those eyes were fully black.
Before I got to process that, one of her hands flew outwards in my direction, and I lost connection with myself.