"oh, but that's the irony, broken people are not fragile" ~ Clinton Sammy Jr.
Song: Losing Control by Russ
When I woke up, it was like a breath of fresh air. No nightmares plagued my mind during my time asleep. I didn't wake up in a cold sweat, tears burning in my eyes, with my heart pumping rapidly. I didn't wake up with the fear that I would see their faces right in front of me.
This morning, when I woke up, there was no stone weighing heavily on my chest.
I looked outside my window, not surprised to find the sun was yet to make an appearance. I should still feel exhausted, but I felt all the more refreshed. As the time was just about to hit five in the morning, I found I couldn't stay in bed. My feet padded through the cold wood of my floor, suddenly feeling eager to start the day.
I couldn't tell if it was the thought of seeing Zander's infectious smile again or just the effects of having a good night sleep, but I felt something deep in my bones. Something ... happy? I couldn't quite place the feeling, but I wasn't going to dwell on it. I was just excited that I didn't wake up with the familiar feeling of fear clutching at my insides.
After throwing on a rather snug looking sweater and dipping into a pair of blue jeans that looked baggy on me, I skipped down the stairs with a pep in my step.
There was a smile on my face. Still refusing to look into the mirror, I passed the bathroom with quick urgency, sliding through the threshold of the kitchen. As I began to make my way towards the coffee pot, I found myself stopping dead in my tracks.
The addicting aroma of coffee wafted through the air already. At the table, my mother sat with a cup of her own in her hands. Her hair was twisted in her signature morning bun. She looked absolutely horrid. As if she didn't sleep a wink last night.
Her smile was tight when she glanced at me. A nervous glint taking permanent residence in her eyes.
"Good morning, Layla. I um— made you some coffee. Just a little bit of cream and sugar you know. Just the way you like it." Nervousness floated through her voice, just like her eyes. My mother had never looked so defeated. I almost forgot about her and dad's conversation last night. I almost forgot about yesterday all together and how much my frightened self must have seriously hurt her as a mother.
"Mom," I began cautiously, stepping towards her, but not sitting down across her yet. "I'm not mad at you." I started, knowing that that was killing her the most. She thought she really scared me yesterday, when in fact, it was just my own fear that she happened to trigger. I didn't know how to stop being triggered so easily, but I couldn't help it.
My mother quickly stood from her chair and came over to me. I expected her sudden movement and in no time I was swept into her arms. She hugged me tightly, and the smell of lilacs and roses filled my nose. My mother loves flowers. She loves them so much I always found it fitting she smelled like the roses she constantly planted In the garden in the backyard.
"Baby, I'm so sorry I don't know what came over me yesterday. Please forgive me, honey. I promise it'll never—"
"Mom it wasn't your fault," I cut her off with a soft whisper, just to be emotional enough for her to stop talking. Her arms loosened around me ever so slightly, and she pulled back to look at me. The bags beneath her eyes stood more prominently in contrast to the paleness of her skin. Without makeup to liven up her appearance, my mother looked as though she needed a full day of rest and fluids. But I knew my mother wasn't sick. She was overcome by grief and hurt.
Her eyes met mine with uncertainty, before dipping down to stare at the bruise around the wrist she previously gripped just yesterday. "Oh, baby," she cried hoarsely, taking my wrist with a gentle caress. "I'm so sorry, Layla. Oh, God, I'm so sorry," she continued to cry, while I just patted her back rather awkwardly. I didn't know what to say to make her feel better.
"Mom, it's okay, I forgive you," I whispered softly, my heart became heavier and heavier as my mother's tears started to stop. I couldn't look her in the eyes, too afraid to see what would be there. "Did I uh, ruin the dinner?" I asked sheepishly. I could almost feel my cheeks blossom in color as I cringed.
The sweetest smile touched her lips. "No, darling. Not at all. But, Layla, where did you go yesterday? I promise I'm not mad at you and neither is your father. I just want to know if you were safe," she rushed out frantically, her cheeks blotchy from remnants of her tears.
"I was safe, mom," I nodded, smiling gently. "I was at the gym, actually. Just letting out steam I guess." I shrugged, speaking as softly as I could so as not to cause another stir in her emotions. I'm not a mother, but I can only imagine what she's going through.
She nodded to herself, before leaning in to kiss my forehead like all the other times she's recently done so. "Good," she nodded to herself, pulling back. "I- well- drink your coffee, Layla. I have to go get ready for work. Umm," she paused, seeming frazzled in her thoughts as she stepped away. " Have a good day, darling."
With the last of her words, my mother left the kitchen. The sound of her gentle footsteps climbing up the stairs caused me to smile a little more. At least I wasn't a total lost cause. This was progress wasn't it?
I carefully sat down at the table, the cup of coffee mom left still steaming in front of me. At this moment, I was itching to go outside for a quick smoke. The coffee would calm me for only a moment, but cigarettes, cigarettes took off that last bit of edge I needed.
However, there were two issues I had with the thought of smoking: A) Mom and dad were both home and would more than likely smell the stench as soon as they came back downstairs. And B) I promised Zander to try and quit didn't I? Well, I couldn't very well quit cold turkey. I'd heard awful stories of smokers getting sick after they would quit like that. But I wasn't as far in my addiction as they had been. They couldn't even function without a cigarette held to their lips. I could at least get through classes with merely one to keep me sane.
Still, my nerves were becoming restless. A blatant indicator as to just how addicted I'd become. Maybe I would stop buying cigarettes from Antonio after all. The last pack I bought could be my last pack. Surely no harm could come from a few more and then I'd be done for good.
I could pace it out when I have my cigarettes and after some time the urge will disappear and I'll feel sick just thinking about the smell of the smoke once again.
Yes, it was a perfect plan for me. It wouldn't be to make Zander happy. It would be for me. My own form of accomplishment. Another step towards taking back my life.
As I sipped the remains of my coffee, a light knock sounded on the door. I paused, glancing at the time, my cup still in my hands. It was nearing seven already. Paranoia almost slammed me over, but a bleep from my phone had my nerves settling down.
Zander:
I brought gifts.
Confused at Zander's odd text, I made my way to the door and opened it with little fear this time. Zander stood outside my door, a smile beaming on his face, a brown bag in one of his hands and a cup in the other. He looked too good to be true and the sun was only just starting to rise.
"Zander?" I questioned, uncertainty in my tone.
He brought the cup towards me. "I went and picked up some breakfast and coffee for us. I thought you might like to try something else for a change besides your plain coffee. It's a vanilla latte. Try it." He was eager to place the cup in my hand, a tiny bit of the hot liquid splashing onto my hands. It burned only slightly but the smile on Zander's face never wavered. "Well," he nodded to the cup. "Try it. I had it specially made just for you Lala."
I couldn't stop the damn smile. "Zander, lattes aren't really my choice of poison. Regular coffee will always be superior. But, since it seems you've went through so much trouble to get it, I'll try it." I teased, tipping the cup back to sip the sweetness of the latte.
I almost gagged. My face twisted ruefully, not at all enjoying the abundantly sweet tone of the flavor. It was too rich. There was too much milk to even taste the bit of caffeine in this thing. My lips curved into a slight, dissatisfied smirk.
"Thanks for trying Zander, but I much prefer the taste of coffee as opposed to overly sweetened milk." I grinned.
He rolled his eyes, cursing softly beneath is breath. "You certainly are one of a kind, Lala. Ya'know I thought for sure you'd like the simplicity of this." Zander shook his head at me, taking back the cup of overwhelming sweetness.
As I was about to question why he brought breakfast, my mother came back down the stairs. Her steps moving at a rapid pace.
"Layla, honey, who's at the-- oh!" She cut herself off, her blue eyes blinking skeptically. "Hi, Zander. It's lovely to see you again. Please, come in. It's too chilly out there this morning. I just have to grab my coat," my mother rambled, reaching for the closet across from the front door. She hastily pulled out a navy blue, button up jacket that matched the navy gloves she had on. Mom always dressed for the winter when she was leaving the house. She always complained of being too cold, but if she were too hot, at least she had layers she could take off.
Zander smiles his usual charming grin, and steps past my mother. "Thank you, Mrs. Adams. I was just hoping to take Layla to school this morning. I can give her a ride home too. It's really no problem." The grin never wore off- even when my mother shot him a peculiar glance.
She stared as if she couldn't believe her eyes. Which I suppose I couldn't blame her. Zander was actually asking to drive me to school when he knew I had my own car. An actual human being was trying to be nice to her daughter. I mentally rolled my eyes.
"That does sound awfully nice, Zander. But Layla does have her own vehicle, you know," she chuckled loosely, sounding far too fake, in my opinion, but Zander never broke from his deterrence.
"Of course, Mrs. Adams, I know that. I just thought I could give her a ride and save her the gas. Since we are going to the same place. I even brought you a coffee." Zander's smile grew as he handed the disgusting latte over to my mother who was only so happy to take it from his hands. She took a hesitant sip and nearly groaned in what seemed to be bliss.
"I haven't had one of these in so long. I've been trying to watch my sugar intake. But since you were so thoughtful, I'll accept your bribery to take Layla to school this morning. Just please drive safe and have a good day at school." My mother was beaming by the time she walked away, latte in hand and a new swing in her hips.
This time, I did roll my eyes. "I'll never understand how you have such a hold over a female's brain." I shook my head, a small laugh bubbling out of my lips.
Zander's eyes twinkled, his arm coming to rest around my shoulders gently as he whispered,"Are you implying I have a hold over you too, Lala? And just when I thought you weren't like the rest," he teased, while I shuddered and pushed him away from me. My cheeks were heating with color when I realized my words. Not waiting for a cheeky response from him, I grabbed my bag and started walking out of the door.
"Oh, shut up, and show me what you got me for breakfast."
Zander's infectious laugh trailed behind me.
* * *
The ride over to school was rather... pleasant I suppose. He hummed to the music on the radio and I sat as comfortably as I could in the passenger seat. At first it was difficult. There was a weight on my chest. A feeling of panic bubbled inside of my stomach, soaring towards my throat where it began to feel clogged. I didn't like not having control.
I knew Zander was a safe driver. I'd seen him leave his apartment with his car only a dozen times in the past few weeks. Whenever he parked, it was smooth and seemed effortless. Whereas, I still struggle to find a good parking spot in this godforsaken school.
But with Zander, everything seemed that way: thoughtless.
"So, Lala, I hope you know Garret sent me the work out schedule this morning. If Kate wants in, you're gonna have to ask her today. Garret doesn't like to wait." Zander parked the car and unbuckled his seats belt, turning slightly to catch my eye.
I nodded, a queasy feeling coming back.
I didn't see Kate's car parked in her usual spot up front when we got here. I looked at Zander, wondering if he suspected all the horrors a girl like her had gone through. What would he think of her? Kate turned out to be one of the good ones anyways. Surely, he'd forgive someone like Kate. Maybe not forgive, but he would understand. Before I could filter my thoughts, my lips parted and I spoke.
"Zander, does Kate seem to be acting... odd to you lately?" I knew it was a dumb question, but I couldn't; take the words back. Something about Kate's eyes haunted me. The broken shell that was left of her was right in front of me yesterday, and I couldn't offer much.
Zander's steps didn't falter. "Well, in case you forgot, I haven't exactly been to school in awhile now have I?" He chuckled, opening the school door wide for me. I stepped past, still bothered by the fact that Kate wasn't in the main hall. Usually that's where she'd be. She'd be chatting with friends, a smile on her face, books in her hand. But, as I took a sweep of the hall once more, Kate was still nowhere to be found.
Zander slung an arm around my shoulder, startling me from my thoughts. I jumped, freezing up before I could process it. Zander stopped too, turning to look at me with confusion. "You okay, Lala? You look like you've seen a ghost." Concern coated his every word. I wish I wasn't so damaged. I wish I could have things like happen without freaking out about it.
The skin where his arm had touched mine tingled with familiar fear. Goosebumps arose on the back of my neck. A thin sheet of ice seemed to strike me all at once. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and prayed to whoever was above that Zander couldn't hear it.
After a few moments, I took a calming breath, counted to three in my head and collected myself. "Yeah, sorry Zander. Just in my head, ya'know?" I breathed less shakily, continuing my path towards my locker.
Zander stayed in stride with me, but his arm never came back. My chest sunk.
One of these days, I'll be able to walk with someone else while they unexpectedly sling their arm over my shoulders. And I will not freak out.
Because I won't be broken anymore.
Please feel free to leave comments or questions! Sorry for the long wait. A few questions or you guys?
Where do you think Kate is?
Do you think Layla should ever confide in someone?
What does it take to try and fix someone emotionally?
I ask these questions to get you to think about just how hard this encounter is for Layla.
Until next time loves, thank you for continuing this emotional journey along with Layla and Zander! It's very much appreciated!