Chapter 13: It's Always Gonna Be April
Have you ever loved someone that it hurt but it hurts worse when they reject you? Have you ever felt like the world is spinning but it's crashing at once? Do you ever feel alone sometimes? Or betrayed? Used? Pushed aside? Have you ever lost yourself in so many ways you can't explain it?
Well that's exactly what I'm feeling. All the emotions were surrounding me at once. I have cried more than six boxes of tissues right now. I guess you can say I got issues. But I'm constantly listening to Elvis Presley's I Can't Help Falling In Love With You on my record player. Why would I not stop listening? I just sat on my bedroom floor where I scattered pillow feathers everywhere.
I even took my diary tossing it. I'm just stupid. I know I am. What was I thinking? Did I honestly think he was into me? I deduced him. He wasn't into me at all. I mean, why would he be? It makes no fucking sense. I think Christopher just went along with it. He's not into me. 'Cause I'm his stepsister not girlfriend material or a girl he'd date. At this point I wish Patrick was here. I wish I could talk to him. But no luck, Christopher won't give me his number. I felt my heart breaking into two.
It's been hours and I been moping about someone who isn't even into me. I honestly don't care. Because every time I think about him it's like I'm complete. Whole. This person I never thought I was until I saw him. Until I got to know him. But he's captured my heart while I haven't captured his.
I don't know how long I been in my room crying my eyes. I want to just cry with my door locked. I don't know there is nothing I can do right now. Just pray that everything is going to be alright. I am going to smile and fake it. But I am not leaving this room. It's after seven thirty. Colleen came home about an hour ago and dad got home a little bit ago. Colleen usually comes home, takes a shower or a bath and then gets started on dinner which I don't have an appetite.
I don't want to see Christopher. And especially not April. I'm just gonna stay in my room and just contemplate and sulk. I'm good at that. But right now I wish my mom was here to hold me. I wish I had her with me here. And sometimes you can't control people you love. Christopher is the one who I can't control. He's not into me. He never was and will never be.
I let out a lot of sobs and I take my diary placing it back on my desk and I open to my last entry.
I read through it to only hate the words because I knew later I might regret the hateful words. I just looked at the page and wanted to tear it out but I didn't. And I just felt like crying every time I saw Christopher's name on the page. And I did nothing but wish to die at this point. But I cry now because inside I'm hurting from the rejection.
I heard the sounds from downstairs that was definitely the sounds of kitchen appliances being used. But I imagined Colleen and dad's conversation in my head being perfect as a story. Not something written from Shakespeare. But maybe something like Jane Austen.
Dad would be in the kitchen looking snazzy after work. And Colleen might be looking radiant but she's exhausted. And she always thinks of what is the best option when it comes to dinner or making dinner at least. And I imagine their love is delicate. So gentle. Fragile.
"So how was your day at work, honey?" Colleen would ask while cutting any sort of vegetable on the countertop on the cutting board.
Dad would embrace his arms around Colleen like he usually does and he would kiss her. Something that I'm a bit envious of. And just like that, I imagine them just mentioning their day at work and what it was like. Dad would say it was exhausting and Colleen would say busy.
"So where are our kids?" Dad would ask her, leaning against the counter.
She'd smile, but she'd turn the stove on with the frying pan of asparagus.
"Um...Christopher is with April downstairs studying. And Emma is upstairs in her room. She is having down time. A constant run on her record player." Colleen would say to him.
"Is it old fashioned music?" Dad would ask her.
"You mean like the kind we had at our wedding? Sure, but she seems...distant tonight. But by dinner she should come out." She would say to him in return.
"Well, Emma is practically her own person. Stubborn when she wants to be." Dad would say, a small laugh would be lightly in his voice.
I imagine the kitchen smelling nice as it always does. And I imagine it being a piece of what hearts are. Dad called the kitchen the very heart of the house.
"Well, she reminds me of someone I know." She would laugh about while eyeing dad to remind him just as how stubborn he can be.
"Is he handsome?"
"Oh yes, very handsome." She would say seductively and then my dad and stepmom would definitely go into an insane make out session.
My imagination of my dad and Colleen faded. I came back to reality and I didn't realize that I had turned on the back of my diary and I saw the name Patrick written down. And when I saw it, I noticed his email was written underneath his name. I remember when we used to talk for those weeks after the wedding he gave me his email. How could I have forgotten? I took my laptop, opening it up to turn on and going into my email to email him right away.
Elvis Presley's voice echoed my room as I was singing along to the song while driving my fingers on my keyboard to get ready to type a message to Patrick. But I thought real hard about it.
Email to Patrick:
City: San Diego, CA, U.S
At: 8:45PM
From: Santa Monica, California U.S
To: PatrickK1801@Gmail.com
Hi Pat. It's Emma. It's been two days since I last saw you or heard from you. I got a new phone after it got stolen so I don't know if you tried calling or texting me. But I want you to know that I miss u Pat. I know you want to avoid me after what Christopher did. You want to keep yourself safe and protected because of what happened. But I care about you. Christopher tells me your a bad influence on me. But it's the opposite. He's the bad influence. I don't know if your mad at me. But I miss you more than anything. I want a duo of the other night. Maybe not the movies. Maybe ice cream 🍦, a walk, the park or roller skating. I just need a friend right now. Your all I can turn to. Your all I need. All I trust.
Yours truly,
EMMA
I smiled at my message before hitting send to him on my laptop. And I threw my face into my palms in stress while my elbows rested on my desk. I took my book of Great Gatsby. And I saw Christopher have this exact same copy. I think he might have read this time back. This copy was my mother's. She leant it to me after the wedding. And I just thought of Christopher being like Gatsby in his near future. And I wanted to cry again thinking of him.
Does Christopher hate me? I can't even imagine what him and April are doing. But I blocked out the what if's and the maybes. And I decided to think of Patrick. All the nice things. Like when I kissed him. I actually felt something. My heart stopped when I kissed him. I felt it all. But then...Christopher attacked Patrick that it drove me angry. And I still hate him for doing it even though I did forgive him. It's a regret of mine.
Rewind! Freeze! Your not supposed to like Christopher to begin with after he assaulted Patrick, my subconscious mind yelled at me.
Damn she never shuts up inside my head. I honestly feel the bad influence on myself from the voice as she tells me. But I roll my eyes and I just shut my laptop gently. But then I take my phone and I begin to go through my Instagram looking at Victoria's account. Seeing her photos of her and Luke. They were hugging and kissing which was posted an hour ago. But I felt awful because Luke isn't being who he says he is. Unfaithful. And a liar. I just cry because he is kind but a cheater. I want Victoria to know the truth. But I know she won't ever. That it'll be impossible. She won't believe me even if I told her.
I just had it enough that I took my phone, deciding to call Mandy. And it was about time we talk since the party. But did I have any reason not to? Mandy is my best friend and I think I should talk to her. And the idea that she threw some stupid party just so Logan could like Peach. Which didn't happen but now Peach doesn't even care about him now she cares about my stepbrother. And now I gotta keep my crush between just Mandy and me. Peach can never know for sure. Besides, she'd judge me about it like it's a crime or an evaluation. But I can't help that I love him. But I honestly do but now I know exactly how he feels. He loves April, not me.
I took to my laptop Skyping Mandy because I rather see her face and tell her everything and also catch up since I haven't seen her since midnight when I got in the car with Logan. And Mandy must know about the drunk video of me which Peach said Mandy was trying to get it down. Which means she knows all about it.
The Skype line began going off to get ahold of Mandy. And it only took her a second to answer and her face was glowing. And her brown hair was wavy but she looked so nice. And I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
"Hey, Em." She waved.
"Hey Mandy." I said, and I didn't have any enthusiasm.
"What's going on?" She asked.
There is so much I wanna tell you. But I know deep down I can't love who I want to love, I wanted to tell her.
I wanted to tell Mandy everything but I wasn't sure if I should. But she knows that I like Christopher so it may not be such a big deal. She is always someone that wants to know things. And if I go all standoffish or avoid she will definitely figure out something is wrong. I could tell Mandy was in her room. Mandy understands everything about me and I trust her. And I trust her right now, that's for sure.
"There's a lot going on. I can't even explain it....." I shakily said, my body feeling weak and I felt tears building up as the memories came back from what happened.
"Em, what is it?" She pleaded.
"Don't get mad at me, Mandy. But...today...Christopher and I had a moment together. I told him everything. How I felt. He told me it would be impossible if we...dated because we're supposed to be brother and sister. But we kissed and almost...had sex until his phone rang. I know he doesn't want me. I'm not the one. April is. It's always gonna be April. I'm sure of it. And I can't stand the thought of them together, Man. And I don't even know after everything." I cried and she looked like she felt so sorry for me.
"Emma, slow down." She said quickly.
I relaxed back on my bed, flipping my hair back out of my face. I took a deep breath. Finding a way to regain the right pace of my heart. I felt more tears falling from my eyes like a river. But I sobbed. But then I cleared my throat and sat straight up.
"I hate it when I want someone I can't have." I said with emotion in my voice.
"I know it's awful, Emma. But if I was you I'd show that boy what he's missing. Wear something...sexy. Try to act like someone he'd go crazy over. But that girl no one says no to. Make him want you." She said.
Mandy is right. I'm not gonna mope about him. I'm gonna show him what he's missing. I will take my time and just be that sexy stepsister he deserves and make April jealous. I glance at my mirror and realize Mandy is right.
"Okay Mandy, I need advice on what to wear to make him see what he's missing...okay." I smiled at her, leaning down towards my laptop. "So firstly...hair up or down?"
"Up, of course. I see how your long ponytails attract guys. And wear something sexy but not too revealing. But make sure your ponytail is high. And you'll look just as pretty as Keira Knightley." She told me, biting on her lower lip while chewing her gum in her mouth. I saw her blowing bubbles a couple times and popping them to return to chewing and smacking in her mouth.
"Alright, then." I agreed with a smile.
I ran into my closet going through every little part of my walk-in closet to find something and I found a nice cute matching two piece of wool beige skirt and a light purple strapless halter top. I take off my dress and I throw it into my hamper. And I end up taking the skirt pulling it up over my hips securely and I tie the string on the side to keep it tight on me. And then I take out a pink lace strapless bra from my drawer putting it on and I then take the halter top slipping it down on my head down to my chest making sure it's on right. It showed a bit of my stomach and I didn't care. I needed to look sexy for him. I came in front of the laptop to my Skype showing Mandy.
"Well how do I look?" I asked, giving her a look at me in the outfit.
"Hot." She complimented, giving me a thumbs up.
"Okay. I'm gonna do my hair and then my makeup." I ran over to get my brush off my nightstand.
I started brushing my hair making sure it was beautifully brushed through. After I brush every section and every strand and underneath I take a hair tie and I put it up into a high tight ponytail. And then I put on some makeup. I put on light eyeshadow that is hardly noticeable and I smile taking some mascara on and then I put on eyeliner and then some lipgloss. And then Mandy smiled at how I look. I then open my jewelry box taking out a few rings to wear.
There's something you need to know about me. I'm practically obsessed with rings, earrings, lockets, necklaces and bracelets. When I was ten mom took me to get this Christian cross necklace. And so, I wear it when I feel the strongest. I noticed Colleen has one similar to mine except hers is golden. Mine is silver. And then I take out my charm bracelet slipping it on over my wrist, letting it dangle lose. And then I take my snowflake earrings putting them on my ears or more like in my ears.
I smile at myself in the mirror and then I think I feel just confident as I should with or without Christopher meaning anything to me or not.
"Well?" I asked Mandy.
"You look fabulous. Now Christopher will see that he is missing something good." She said honestly.
She smiled at me and I returned the smile and I glanced another time in the mirror. And Mandy wasn't lying. I did look amazing. I loved my earrings the best. My music was still playing in my room and then I smiled at myself and saw Mandy who looked at me in the biggest smile that I love on her face. I'd kill to have her looks. And then when I look, I saw Mandy giving me another smile but she winked.
"You look great, Emma. Even if he sees it or not. You look amazing. Sexy. And incredible. You got more than what Barbie has." She said.
"Je vous remercie." I nodded.
"Emma, why do you keep talking to me in French?" She giggled.
I shrugged. "It's what I do best."
We both went out just cracking up by laughing extremely hard. If Christopher was to walk by he would hear us that's how loud we were. We were just plain out laughing. I smiled at Mandy after a long fit of laughing. I smiled at myself again in the mirror but I was about to say something to Mandy until there was a knock on my door, praying it wasn't Christopher. I told them to come in. And I saw Colleen. Her blonde hair curled in spirals. She was wearing dark blue jeans and a white sweater. And she definitely looked comfortable but exhausted. But I smiled when she came in.
"Hey Mrs. James!" Mandy waved from my laptop screen. It was really weird hearing Colleen being called Mrs. James.
Colleen acknowledged Mandy and then she turned to me.
"Emma, are you coming down for dinner?" She asked.
Before I wasn't so hungry. But then when she mentioned it, I actually was hungry.
"Yeah, I'll be right down." I said.
And then within a minute, Colleen left probably down into the kitchen while I stayed on with Mandy and we laughed.
"Okay. I better go. I'll see you tomorrow." I said.
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow, Em." She said.
"Okay. Bye, Man." I waved and clicking on the end button.
I closed my laptop and I decided to leave my music playing in my room and I came exactly downstairs. I smiled as I was about to leave my room. I turned my light off but I left my lamp on by my bedside table near the window. I quickly grabbed my perfume and I put on some spraying myself to smell beautiful. And then I took my sanitizer, putting it on my hands, cleansing them. And then I heard a conversation downstairs and I rolled my eyes about it but then I shut my door as I left my room.
I went down the hall downstairs to where Marshmallow followed me. I was on the stairs hearing dad and Colleen talking. I came in contact with everyone. And no one was sitting at the table yet, but I saw dad and Colleen setting the table. And of course I noticed the sitting room was a mess by Christopher's school books. And pillows were thrown everywhere like there was a wrestle fight. I rolled my eyes. I been the neatest person. I been obsessed with cleaning since I was young. And I hate clutters and hazards. As well as I'm not picking up someone else's mess. I just like things to be neat and spotless. I mean Christopher has been living with me for weeks and I think he should know how I am.
I really wish Christopher and I never kissed. Because now it has made me more addicted to him. More addicted than before. And it's so fucking hard to get him out of my head. And I hate him for being this way or else I wouldn't be in love with him. Why does he make me want him? Why does he have to be so charming? Why is he caring about me at all? Obviously he doesn't or else he wouldn't have done what he did by acting like what we did never happened. I can't believe any second of this. But there he is down in the basement having his romance with April where we almost sex. And he just stays there, making out with her. And it is driving me insane to imagine it no matter how much I've seen them kiss. And I just rage of jealousy. I know if I see Christopher it will tear me. But I'm gonna do what Mandy said. Let him see what he's missing.
The kitchen smelled so good, I could take it all in. It was barbecue chicken and broccoli. And also salad and potatoes. And I was just craving it.
I decided help Colleen and dad set the table. I took my time to just know how fragile I feel. And I knew exactly what was going on. I was going to ignore Christopher.
"Hi, angel." Dad said to me.
"Hi, daddy." I said and I gave him the hug I been wanting since this morning.
"How's your new phone? Is it working okay?" He asked and I nodded silently. "Well that's good. This is your third phone. You go through it quickly. At least this phone bill isn't as expensive as the last one."
"Well maybe I can get a job and pay for it myself." I suggested.
"Don't be ridiculous." Colleen said to me as she placed her wineglass down. "Your sixteen. And still in school. Your only in Junior year. Once you graduate then you go off to college, get a job and pay your own phone."
I'm guessing Colleen has that rule for Christopher as well.
"What if I insisted on getting a job?" I protested.
Colleen sighed and dad gave me the look as if he definitely wasn't going to respond so I rolled my eyes.
"It's just a thought to help you guys out so my phone bill isn't so high." I said calmly.
Colleen walked over to me. "Emma, your phone bill is fine. I'm sure your dad won't mind paying it no matter how expensive it gets. And I can pay it if he refuses. I mean that's what family does. But less focus on bills, Emma. And more focus on school, your friends and being sixteen." She smiled, giving me a hug. "Sixteen. Wow I remember when I was sixteen."
"Did you party?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.
"Absolutely not, Emma James." She out her hands on her waist. "I was too focused on studies. I was a geek. I wore glasses and my parents were stricter than anything. My father wanted me to be perfect like a nun."
I gulped, trying to hold my laugh in. Because Colleen really made it sound dreadful but the day she told me about her story in my room she made it clear that she definitely hated being the odd girl out in school. Unlike my dad who was constantly getting high with his friends in high school. And it's kinda funny because that sounds like my dad. Someone who constantly enjoys getting high and is popular with his boys. But that was probably twenty five years ago.
And so from that, we had put on some music that was definitely relaxing. It was Etta James that was soothing. And because of it, I think dad couldn't perhaps stop being the childish human being he was. And just like that I became childish with him.
The music was flowing so nicely. And I definitely loved everything about it and just as that, I made a cheesy smile. And we had danced with the flowing music. And we used to dance just like this for hours but after mom left everything changed. But now it's like everything is back to the old of things. And I have this smile on my face that I cannot take off if I tried. And the memories came flooding back in my mind of my life here. With him and mom and even myself as a little girl.
I smiled as we danced and unlike everything I know my dad and mom used to dance all the time. From the time they met and till they were married and until the laughter stopped. That's when everything stopped. And mom moved out. And I cried.
I felt like I could never feel happier than I do right now. And the laughter just went around the kitchen with the music flowing. No matter if it was hard to even like it, it made me feel like the music. And I just remember the way I could feel nothing better or worse than this. I giggled while I danced and spun within my father's arms. Something I knew I couldn't feel with anybody else. No other man could take this away. Not anyone in a thousand years or other. This is exactly what it means to be a loyal daughter.
And I just thought of all the mean and hateful things I said to him. Especially after mom left. I was so cruel to him. But now I actually regret every little thing I said. And I just saw in my dad's eyes he was happy. And he deserved it. But my mom deserves it too. But it may not be long until my mother finds herself another man. But if I were to have a boyfriend my father would be so nervous for me having another man in my life. He'd become possessive. And that...is something that has made me try hard not to have any man in my life. Stepbrother, friend, next door neighbor, science partner or other. No man can take me from my father.
I guess there's always the fear of a father being his daughter's first man and when a boyfriend comes in it's like he's taking her away from him. But I will make sure when I begin to date that that'll never happen.
The room was beyond beautiful with the flow of the music and it didn't take long for me to notice the stranger in the kitchen that I don't remember being there a second ago.
Christopher...
He stared at my dad and me. He looked in content. But he looked between my dad and me in such the greatest way that obviously was not great to me since I was pissed at him. I stared over at Christopher giving him the gaze that said: I Won.
Christopher seemed so spacey and coy like he was when I first met him. But then I noticed Christopher was dressed differently than what he was wearing earlier and then it hit me that since he came from the basement I realized that he must have been fucking April. On the same sofa that me and him almost had sex on. But it was my real moment with him. But he wasn't my first kiss. Patrick was. And then Logan. But he doesn't count because I was partly drunk. And then came Christopher.
He looked so snazzy it drove me wild inside.
No, Emma! He rejected you. He nearly had sex with you but then turned you away like it never happened and now you think he's gorgeous, my subconscious interjected.
I stared at Christopher allowing myself to softly frown. I was upset with him. How could he treat me like that? He acted like what we did never happened when he answered his phone. And after he barely could look at me. He hasn't said a word to me. Not one little acknowledgement. And so it has driven me to be pissed at him. If he thinks I'm gonna forget...well then he doesn't know me at all.
He was wearing a fancy navy blue button down dress shirt and jeans. But of course, it was nice to see him like that. But he's in different clothes because he had sex with April downstairs. And when people have sex they always change into different clothes.
"Isn't she a beautiful dancer?" Dad asked Christopher who I noticed was looking me up and down at what I was wearing. He stared at me like I was something sweet.
He nodded. "Yes, very beautiful."
I looked at Christopher in disbelief and I didn't wanna believe anything he said. But his feelings were so real. But he's probably afraid and hiding them. I just focused on what I was doing from the beginning. I had all brushed past Christopher not saying anything to him which seemed to piss him off. And then coming from the basement was April, wrapping her arms around his waist and then he turned around, facing her and they kissed which seemed for the longest moment which broke my heart in two.
I rolled my eyes and I had just gone to the table and I enjoyed the talk between my dad and Colleen. So that's why when dinner started I talked to just Colleen and dad and I totally ignored April and Christopher. And the only thing I cared about was just getting through dinner without crying. My appetite didn't go away like it did earlier. It was perfectly fine.
My heart hammered once I saw Christopher and April sitting down. My dad had this laugh but his laugh was at a funny joke Colleen said. And I actually found it very funny. I thought my dad was a good listener and very observant. Almost like he's clairvoyant.
Dad passed over the salad bowl to me which I gladly took and I just passed over to Colleen when I had filled my plate with just enough salad. And I put on the dressing sauce. And I just thought of dad and Colleen being the happy wife and husband of all. I definitely ignored Christopher like he was practically invisible.
"So," dad began, saying to me. "When Christopher takes you to school you both can make sure you both get there safely."
I had found my salad to be very good. And this is the best out of all. I had gazed at dad and he remained silent and patient for me.
"Actually I'm not going with Christopher. Peach is taking me." I responded, and I saw Christopher's reaction which wasn't pleasant.
He actually looked so pissed and confused by it. If he was burning from California's sun I wouldn't even care. And of course, I just chuckled quietly and I looked at Christopher like I didn't care shit about him. Which is obviously true. And the only thing I thought of right now was sitting here with the family and not have Christopher manipulate me.
"Oh okay. Are you sure? It's more convenient if Christopher would drive you instead of Peach driving all the way to take you." Dad said.
I breathed. "Dad, it's fine. I rather get a ride with my best friend than with my stepbrother, thank you very much."
Dad was confused. And Christopher looked so pissed off at me right now but not angry just upset is more the word. And he seemed to block it out like it was nothing. But the idea that I wasn't looking at him must have been driving him crazy.
"And I'm just gonna ride with Peach. And I also decided I'm going to go to the New Years Eve Ball." I said.
Dad had placed down his wineglass and his brows knitted in confusion. He definitely had no idea what I was going with. Mostly because of all the changes I've decided within the short of time.
"But honey, you never go. Your mom has been trying to get you go for three years. Now you all of a sudden want to go?" He laughed, and he found it funny.
I drank from my glass. "Dad, I'm sixteen now. And I think I deserve to go."
"So who are you gonna go with? Anyone special?" Colleen asked, nearly teasing me.
I blushed from her question which I saw Christopher looking so upset at the mention but impatient of how I'd respond.
"Maybe Patrick. You know Christopher's friend." I replied.
"Oh he is such a nice boy. He'd take you I'm sure." Colleen smiled.
I gazed over at Christopher who was definitely upset by this. He knew I was purposely provoking him. But even if I wasn't I would say Patrick. I know it gets to him. And he deserved this crap happening to him. And right from the start, I knew it would kill him. And I definitely wouldn't fucking care.
"Isn't he Christopher?" Colleen was provoking her own son after what she knew he did to Patrick over me.
Christopher gulped nervously. "Mhm..."
"Well I think he's nice. We did have a nice time at the movies." I said.
"Can we please change subject?" Christopher said but of course Colleen gave him a blank stare.
"Sweetheart, I think it's a great conversation. Unless you got plans for what you'll do for the News Years Eve Ball yourself?" Colleen responded to him, taking a sip from her wineglass.
"April and I are going. There's nothing else to really say, mom." He said.
Could he be more of a fucking asshole? He literally wants to change the subject but when asked just says his girlfriend and him are going but he's all coy about it. What kind of guy does that? Colleen had rolled her eyes.
"Okay." She nodded to him. "What have you two been up to down there?"
"Studying." April replied quickly which I figured wasn't the full truth in how she answered quickly.
"Studying what exactly?" Dad asked before he actually took a bite from Colleen's great barbecue chicken from the fork.
April cleared her throat. "History. And of course it is my weakest subject but Christopher here is just so good at. So we study extra hard since there's quiz coming up."
"Yeah, he's always been gifted with historical. He knew it all by the time he was twelve." Colleen said.
What are the chances?
I felt like my head was going to explode. Christopher is nothing but a fucking lunatic. He can sit here and act like a dummy but of course I just wanted to strangle him. And of course I fucking couldn't. Not here and if I did I'm sure dad would ground me for life.
"Mom!" He exclaimed to her.
"What? I'm just telling April about you. What's wrong with that?" She said taken aback.
Everything...of course.
I hated seeing how April was like friends with April here. And I watched April brush her hand over Christopher's. And if April gave him a handjob under this table I wouldn't be surprised. Especially here right now.
"I'm not perfect." Christopher declared.
I couldn't agree more, I thought.
"I never said you were, Chris." Colleen defended herself.
I guess you can say there's a lot of other crap going crazy upon here. But Christopher doesn't know shit right now. He is here embarrassing his mother in front of his girlfriend. Who the fuck does that? It's his mother!
I somehow hadn't found anything he said serious. I just took it for what it was. If Christopher had confronted me right here I would actually not be surprised. I don't runaway I just wish he'd chase me, the opposite of what my dad did when he let my mother walk out on us. And now I just thought everything about tonight was going better than it was supposed to.
I had ate my salad and I had put a potato in my mouth and I just looked at the conversation between Christopher and Colleen which didn't seem to get anywhere. I stared down at my plate the whole time.
"Christopher, it's okay it's okay it's okay..." April soothed him so he wouldn't get worked up.
"And there's something that has struck my mind..." dad said, beginning to get April and Christopher's attention which didn't sound very pleasant.
I had gone right in for the chicken that was definitely cooked to a roast in the oven. And as crispy and covered with barbecue it was delicious. And I stared at Christopher looking anxious. For some reason I can help but think that Christopher is afraid of my dad. They barely are ever agreeable and they both barely are on the same page of anything. Sure they talk from time to time. But a lot of more like eighty five percent of the time...they don't get along. Christopher doesn't disrespect my dad. But he just doesn't get on the same pace with him. Which is better than disrespect.
"Your mother and I are a bit worried..." dad continued, leaving me to have beyond confusion of what this possibly is about even though I didn't care.
Christopher became stiff. He looked a bit cooperative by it to understand whatever the judgement may be.
"What of?" Christopher asked as respectful as he could sound.
"Listen...I know what it's like to be young. I was once. And we're just a little worried that you-"
"-what your stepdad means is we just want you to make sure you are safe. Protecting yourselves." Colleen finished for him.
I rolled my eyes about this because it was not my business to hear this.
"Mr. and Mrs. James...we are completely safe." April spoke on her and Christopher's behalf.
"Okay. That's all we wanted to clear up and make sure." Colleen smiled.
You mean to tell me she's okay with Christopher and April fucking? It's not like an invitation to oh I don't know just come into my house and you can fuck April's brains out.
I stared at dad who now changed the subject. And I looked at Christopher who gave me an apologetic look like he was trying to tell me something. I ignored him and I just continued back eating.
"And I guess being at the greatest of much drives you crazy." Colleen commented, before drinking her wine.
"I'm a Scorpio." April laughed.
"What are the chances? So am I." Dad chuckled.
I had just thought dad really had a bipolar effect. The way he jumped from being worried and sensitive to all this gingerly trait. And I just think it is kinda strange but I just can't think of dad actually being so close with April who I hate.
I stared at Christopher only wishing he'd take me for who I am. And I wish he could see me for who I am. And I just wish I could kiss him again. And it still feels like his tongue in colliding with mine. And the way he touched me no one ever has. And I just wish I could have that again...with him. But how do I be with someone who I am not supposed to love? But can anyone help how they feel about someone? Because I surely can't. Christopher is everything to me. Yeah, he's my stepbrother but he's more to me. But whenever I mention Patrick it seems to piss Christopher off even more.
~~~~~~~~~
I guess you can say dinner wrapped up pretty good. I decided to be the one to do the dishes. I had decided on rinsing them and then I put inside every dish and every glass and bowl into the dishwasher. And then I decided I'd wipe down the counter and then the table. And once the dishwasher was going I looked into the sitting room seeing Christopher and April both on the sofa, making out. They made out like there was no tomorrow. I rolled my eyes, growling and then I went upstairs to my room.
My room was still flowing with music. I wanted to scream my heart out. I thought dinner was simple to sit through but it was much harder than I expected. It was because I had sit there and see him with April and how they'd kiss like fools. And it makes me cry. I just can't get over it. How am I supposed to not get over it?
I started to re-open my book to To Kill a Mockingbird. And I look at the cover and smile. It took me a while to actually realize what was happening in the book right now until I shut everything out. I just sat at my desk reading a bit. And then it took some time later after I got through three chapters until I got a stupid knock on my door. I put down my book, and went to open it since I locked it. I unlocked it and opened my door slowly. And I saw Christopher. I jumped back and tried slamming it in his face until he stopped me by throwing his hand on my door. I was trapped by him which I didn't want. I rolled my eyes at him but he kicked my door back open with his foot.
"What are you just going to ignore me?" He sounded surprised.
"That sounds good to me." I said, I turned from him and turned off my music. "Would you please just leave? I'm not in the mood."
He came all the way and looked behind him to see if anyone was around or in sight. And then he shut my door. And came in. But he locked it. I frowned at him.
"Get out of my room." I demanded.
"Emma, we have to talk." He said in worry like he thought I might reveal our secret.
Was he insane? Why was he begging to talk to me right now? I wanted to crush not scream. But he was making that very impossible. He stood against my door and I felt like moving him and opening my door and kicking him out. Was he going to apologize? Because he doesn't deserve forgiveness. In fact he doesn't deserve anything. I hate him. I honestly hate how much I love him. And how crazy he makes me.
"Talk? That's a good one. It doesn't look like we communicate through talking." I folded my arms not wanting to talk.
"Okay, look...what happened today...was a mistake. I didn't mean for it to go that far. I kinda led you on. And you know and I know that was selfish of me. I'd like if we just go back to how we were and never speak of it again." He said.
He broke my heart into a million tiny little pieces when he called it a mistake. But I didn't feel like it was a mistake at all. I thought he was into it. But he wants to forget it. Because he's with April. And he definitely cheated on her so he's trying to cover his tracks and wants me to go back to being just his stepsister.
"So that's it? Just drop it completely? Act clueless? And just...call it a regret..." I nearly sobbed but I held it back.
"What do you expect me to do, Emma?" He yelled in a soft tone so no one in the house could hear.
"I expected an apology. Or maybe that deep down you have feelings for me too. The way you kissed me...you were into it. If not then you wouldn't have kissed me." I said in fury.
I stepped closer to him and only wish he'd see how much I love him. Why can't he fucking see it?
"Emma, I can't." He began. "I cant. Your my stepsister. We're supposed to be family. I'm sorry but I love April. It's her. It's always gonna be her. It's always gonna be April." He told me straight out.
I shook my head in a nod and that's when the tears did fall down within my control. He had the regret on his face. I turned around from him trying to hide my tears from him. And I just looked away, breathing so gently I might just breakdown and cry. And then after this, I cried beyond anything. He tried to come over and comfort me but I pushed his hand away from me. And then I walked up to him, staring directly at his eyes and he knew I was hurting. He knew I was breaking. But he made it twice above everything worse when I stared at him.
I didn't waste time. He looked worried of what I might say or do. But as observant I was, I just threw my hand up and I slapped him hard across the face, his head turning with it and the sting burned my hand from it. He knew I had a reason to be pissed.
He touched his face where I slapped him hard. He didn't flinch after. He remained silent.
"Emma, I'm in love with April. I can't help that. Do you expect me to be in love with you? To date you? Your my stepsister. It's wrong. And I'm not gonna do that to hurt you or our family. I will not jeopardize our family like that." He said in worry.
"I can't help that I'm in love with you, Christopher. I can't help it. Everything about you...it is driving me insane. But you made the choice to kiss me like that downstairs. And you were into it. You wanted me. You treated me like I was your only." I felt the tears pouring from my eyes.
"I will admit to you it was flattering... intriguing...and a beautiful moment between us. But... I wasn't thinking clearly. I was caught in the moment. And we can never do that again." He told me.
Was he trying to hurt me? Everything that came out of my mouth seemed to just go right over his head and he payed no fucking mind to any word I said. My desire for him was everything. And I hated him. I couldn't. Even if I wanted to. I just remained silent unable to know what to say. And then only one thing came flooding out.
"Fuck you." I spat at him.
"We would be toxic anyway. Look at us. Or you mostly." He scoffed.
"Just get out of my room. I don't want to see you. I think it's better if I just fucking ignore you. Your nothing but a fucking dick. And I want you to get out of my life. And I wish I never met you. And now get out and fuck off." I pushed him out of my way and I unlocked my door opening it for him to leave.
"Emma...please don't do this." He begged.
"Why? Your the one who kissed me back. If you regret it so much then why did you kiss me back? Why kiss me at all? Why touch me? Why?" I clenched my fist down at my side wanting to punch him.
"I'm so sorry, Emma." He said where in his voice he sounded like he was sorry because he was afraid of losing me.
I bit my lower lip. "No, your not. Now get out."
He wouldn't move so the first thing he did was just stood there. I had to use my force and push him out and at this moment, April was right there watching me push him out of my room and then I shut my door, locking it.
And then I heard, "Baby, what the hell?"
"It's fine, Ape. We just had an argument. Stepsisters are bitches." He chuckled.
I heard April and Christopher not long after just walk away heading back downstairs. And after this, I just sunk down to my knees on the floor crying into my knees where I couldn't feel anything worse than I already do.
It didn't take me long to actually collide onto my bed, my face into my pillows where I was crying tears flowing like a river and I was listening to sad songs on my record player. And I didn't bother to stop crying.
And as I was listening to music, I heard squealing of laughter coming from outside. I went to the balcony in the hallway seeing April and Christopher both swimming. They were going crazy at each other as they both were making out like crazy. Christopher held April up by the waist with her legs wrapped around his waist and she was hanging onto him by the back of his neck and they were kissing like they were actually in love.
I believe it is true that he is in love with April. But his words made it fucking clear that he loves her and it's always gonna be her. And watching them kiss and laugh together made me cry and only hate myself for being who I fucking am. And I have felt nothing but sadness. I cried watching and it didn't take me long to get back into my room crying. I left the door locked.
I had heard my email go off from my laptop so I quickly went over to my desk with tears crawling down from my eyes and I opened my laptop finding a response from Patrick.
Email from Patrick:
City: Santa Monica, California, U.S
At: 9:57pm
From: San Diego, California, U.S
To: Emmabear452J@gmail.com
Sounds great! I tried calling you earlier. But I'm glad you emailed me. But yeah, I'm so down! Maybe after school we can hang out! If you want to. And you were right all along. Who cares about Christopher or what he thinks. But I am definitely thinking we should hang out often.
Sincerely,
Patrick 😃
I was so glad to hear back from him. And immediately I had just gone directly towards the return and decided to write back to him.
Email to Patrick:
City: San Diego, California, U.S
At: 10:02pm
From: Santa Monica, California, U.S
To: PatrickK1801@gmail.com
Great! I would love to hang out with you tomorrow after school. I say you can hang out here...at my house at the pool. And it doesn't matter about Christopher because me and him aren't talking right now. But we can hangout. And I think it's time. It's been two days. But I miss you.
Yours truly,
Emma 🌹
I was glad to see to send a response to him and then he sent me just an emoji back of a smiley face. And I definitely agreed with it. And then we both said goodnight to each other and then I yawned, realizing I was no longer crying.
I decided to go take a night shower. And I got out and then I got in my pajamas that were rainbows and unicorns on them and a two piece that were made of silk. And cozy. I then put my hair up in two ponytails. And then I brushed my teeth and then I went to the living room to say goodnight to dad and Colleen.
And then I went into the kitchen for a glass of water and then I returned back upstairs to head to my room. But as I was going for my door, and then I heard moaning coming from Christopher's room.
Gross, I thought.
The moaning was actually a lot louder than it was the last time. And I just couldn't believe that he was in there fucking April when he nearly fucked me. But it made me jealous hearing him screwing another girl or more likely...his girlfriend. And she was moaning so loud it must mean he was giving it to her good.
And I rolled my eyes and just like that Marshmallow whines and I went down to my knees, hugging him and I brought him in with me to my room while in my room, door shut and all I could still hear them.
I took my iPod out and began listening to pop music full blast or just enough not to hear April and Christopher fucking. And I didn't think of anything. I just was expecting to go to school and then Patrick and I will meet up which intrigued me. And with little time... I closed my eyes dozing off.
And the world of awakened was gone. And I went to the world of sleep.
A/N:
Hey guys it's your girl Emily!
I hope u guys are enjoying this! I am doing my best to sit down and write Mine. I been having quite a fun ride writing this. And the journey is still continuing. BTW which ones do you vote for? Chrispril (ChristopherXApril), Christmma (ChristopherXEmma) or Emtrick (EmmaXPatrick)
Lemme know down in the comments below!
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#loveyourself
#staybeautiful
🌹