One week and four days since Billie and I broke up. It was really hard for the first days, I couldn't stop crying and I looked like absolute shit in the school. I skipped all classes I had with Billie and I tried my best to ignore her all the time.
Things with dad became better, I apologized for my harsh words and we talked everything out. Still I was kinda distant because he was spending way too much time with Mariyka and I didn't want to be anywhere near her.
I guess it was now that bad because of my friends, they were here for me and thankfully no one tried to talk with me about all that breakup thing and we just had fun. It was hard for them obviously because Isaac and I were zoned out almost all the time. He was dealing with his father's death and he was healing. I was happy to see his smile for the first time in weeks and, I think, Roe was right. Everything will be okay.
I just really need to know when. I hated myself for being sad, Billie and I were together for three months and it's not such a big amount of time to be that sad. But it was painful to see her smile everyday, painful in a good and in a bad way at the same time. I didn't want to see her upset, sad or broken but she looked like nothing happened. She was partying, seeing other girls, joking around at school. I tried to talk to her a few times, I was scared to even look at her and it was a whole fucking torment but she rejected me twice and when I tried one more time it was Mila who said that I'm pathetic and I need to move on.
I wanted to move on. But I was miserable. I don't even remember when I ate the last time, I didn't have an energy to go downstairs and eat something. I was barely drinking water. It felt like I wanted to sleep all the time and it was hard even to walk for more than ten minutes. I skipped PE classes because I would pass out if I try to run. And it was that class I had with Billie.
Now I'm trying to eat broccoli because dad just noticed my dark under eye circles and that I lost weight and he prepared some healthy food for me. He thought it was my way to deal with a breakup, to start a new healthy life. Fucking bullshit.
Roe and Stella offered to go to the forest for a picnic today, since it's pretty warm outside and it's Saturday. I refused when she said me about it yesterday but Stella made me accept an invitation. Not gonna lie, I wanted to go out but I wasn't able to act like I'm okay and also I didn't want to bother any of my friends with my sad bitch mood.
It was 1pm and I was ready for Theo to pick me up. We decided that me, Royce and Atiya go with him and the others with Roe. As I got a notification, I got up from my chair, said goodbye to my dad and headed to the front door.
"Hi, Tin" Theo smiled and helped me to climb in his car. "What's up?" He asked as he started the car.
"I'm good" I smiled, leaning on the window. "We're kinda late, Roe's there already?"
"Yeah, she just texted and said they're already started a fire" Royce answered, distracting from her phone. "Hey, you look tired. Everything is okay?" I smiled sadly and she sent me a knowing look.
We were listening to music and talking for the whole ride to the forest and I was on my phone when we approached them so I didn't see what was going on.
"Wait, is it Billie's car?" My heart dropped as Atiya asked that question. No fucking way.
"Yeah, it is" Theo frowned, parking his car next to Roe's one. We all got out and Roe quickly hugged me tightly.
"I'm sorry, I said her we're going on a picnic and she asked if she can come too" She sent me an apologizing look and actually there were nothing for me to do so I just accepted that fact.
"It's okay" I smiled and hugged Stella and Cyd.
It was unexpected. I thought I finally could distract from all that situation and I really wanted to go on a picnic with my friends but it was ruined. I noticed Billie, Larsa, Nata and unknown girl near the fire, they were laughing at something and Billie's arms were wrapped around Larsa'a waist.
I wanted to stop thinking about her and finally get some rest. But everywhere I go the memories follow me. Even my fucking tattoo on my left wrist, these dumb three hearts. I stopped wearing clothes she gave me, I even changed my shampoo because she bought it for me. It was like she left her sign on everything in my life and the only way to get rid of it is put me and my whole house on fire.
"Hey, you look like shit" Isaac hugged me with a wide smile and I couldn't hide my own smile. My heart was warm when I saw him finally even a little bit happy. "I missed you, little one"
"I missed you too" I wrapped my arms around his torso.
"We can hang out somewhere else, if you want. I had no idea she would come" He whispered on my ear as I put my hands in the big pockets of my hoodie.
"No, it's okay. I don't wanna be a problem today and I think I'm able to handle it now" Isaac wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we headed to the wooden table with all kinds of food and drinks.
"Tin, you're skinny as fuck" He said when I didn't touch any food and opened a water bottle. "Eat something, I'm worried"
"I think it's just stress, I ate a lot today before Theo picked me up so I'm not hungry" I lied but I didn't want him to worry about me. Everyone was busy with unpacking all stuff we brought with us. I was helping Isaac with making sandwiches.
"Seems like you're hungry tho" I turned my head as I heard Larsa's laugh. "If I were you I would eat something" She smirked looking me up and down.
"And if I were you would definitely stop eating that much" Roe crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows.
"You called me fat?" Larsa got up from her chair and Billie grabbed her by her wrist.
"We're here not for fighting okay? She wasn't talking to you so shut up and mind your own business"
"Roe, it's okay" I put my hand on her forearm. It was offensive and rude but there was no point to argue with Larsa, she's a bitch and I could do nothing about it and fighting with her was the last thing I wanted.
"Hey, something's wrong?" Royce approached us with a beer bottle in her hand.
"Nope, we figured it out. Right, Larsa?" Roe sent her a glare and blond girl just nodded, sitting on Billie's lap and giggling.
"Do you want me to punch this bitch in her face?" Royce asked me quietly, pointing at Larsa and I chuckled, shaking my head.
"No, but thank you" She offered me her beer and I took a few sips. Since I didn't eat much before I felt myself a little bit tipsy after these sips. Wow.
We were busy making sandwiches and joking around. I even forgot that Billie was almost behind my back. Of course I managed to cut my finger and we used a lot of napkins to stop bleeding but it was me so nothing unexpected.
After a few hours when we all were full, I mean, I wasn't because my damn appetite left me a few days ago, we all were busy with different things. I noticed that Billie was alone near her car and I just felt like I have to go and try to talk to her again.
Thankfully, all her friends were somewhere. It was kinda embarrassing to ask her in front of her friends and being rejected before. When I approached Billie, she was typing something on her phone.
"Hey, Billie, can we talk?" I started nervously and she raised her head, looking me up and down. I inhaled loudly as she leaned on her car, crossing her arms.
"About what?" She sounded annoyed and I felt myself so guilty again. It took me a few seconds to put my thoughts together.
"Please, just let me explain. I better kill myself then cheat on you, please, trust me. That's my fault that I passed out on that stupid party but, Billie, you know that I wouldn't cheat on you" I hated how weakly I sounded, I hate how my voice was trembling, I hate how uninterested she was and I hate that I loved her so fucking much that I gave up on everything, on my health, on my fucking pride, on my whole normal life.
"I know? You kinda cheated" Bil raised her eyebrow. "Let's make it clear, there's nothing to talk about. Our relationship was toxic" I looked at my feet, with sad smile and teary eyes. I roughly wiped them off with my sleeve and raised my head again.
I was about to say something but Larsa interrupted us, wrapping her hands around Billie's waist and kissing her neck. It hit me hard, not gonna lie, even if I knew that she was sleeping with other girls after our breakup, it did. But also I realized one thing. I learned how to love. And now I need to learn how to let her go.
I didn't want to but did I have any choice? Larsa dragged her to the table, they were playing some games and smoking weed. I sat on the chair not that far from everyone, pretending to be really interested in something on my phone.
"She's still all over you?" I heard Nata's quiet question.
"She's like a fucking dog, never gonna give up" Larsa laughed, probably making sure that I'll hear it. To be honest, she was right, I was like a dog, running after Billie even after she rejected me every time I tried to talk to her. Being obsessed with a person is bullshit. Love is bullshit.
"What are you talking about?" I heard Royce's voice and raised my head, she was leaning on the tree with her arms crossed.
"Nothing" She smirked, taking a sip of her wine. "You can stop acting like a security guard"
"I'm not acting like a security guard, I'm protecting a girl who didn't even talk to you and you somehow still managed to insult her" Okay, that was the last thing I wanted at that moment but who the fuck asked me what I want?
"You think I care about this little pathetic bitch?" I wanted to defend myself, I wanted to say something but for some reason I couldn't.
"And you really gonna let her talk like that about your ex girlfriend, huh?" Royce sent Billie a look.
"You know, we broke up so you can take her, there's no need to throw a scene" I couldn't believe my own ears when I heard Billie's voice.
"Eilish, you are" Royce raised her eyebrows and shook her head in loss of words. "I was so wrong when I told you that you don't deserve her love. You don't even deserve be treated like a human" Royce growled and I stopped Bil before she could punch her in the face.
"Stop it! All this is my biggest fuck up and if you wanna punch someone then punch me" I let go of her hand as soon as she looked at me. everyone approached us since it was obvious that something was going on.
"Hey, what the fuck is wrong?" Stella frowned, looking between us.
"Nothing, we're just talking" I put a smile on my face but I sounded miserable.
"Mhm, I see" Roe mumbled. "We're going home, my mom called and she said she needs me right now. Do you wanna go with us?"
"Yeah, I want to" I can't even describe how thankful I was because this whole trip was getting worse and worse and all I wanted is going home and getting rest.
I was pretending to be asleep for the whole ride because I couldn't handle talking about what happened. Honestly, I didn't even know what happened. All I did was explaining everything to Billie, I didn't even ask her to forgive me or anything else, I didn't say even a word to Larsa or Nata and still they managed to talk shit about me.
As soon as I came home I started to pack all Billie's stuff she left in my house. Her chain, her headphones, her clothes, her notebooks with lyrics and drawings she kept in my room. I removed all our photos from my wall and brought all her presents in the basement. Even all that makeup products she gave me. Everything.
***
Today dad let me take his car since I needed a trunk to take all Billie's stuff with me. I parked near her car in the school's parking lot. I felt nervous. Not broken or sad. Nervous.
I stayed in the car for a few minutes, squeezing a steering wheel and breathing heavily. I wanted to stop my own thoughts because they were killing me. But everything stopped when I finally noticed her, laughing at something with her friends not that far away from the parking lot.
I quickly got out of the car and headed to Billie, my palms were sweating as fuck and I bet my vein on the forehead was visible. Something in my chest was aching and I wanted to finally let it go. I wasn't broken, I was tired.
"Hey, Billie, can we, um, talk? Please" I mumbled, playing with my fingers nervously. All her friends looked at me, smirking. Yeah, I know, I looked stupid and it seemed like I was dumb as shit.
"You're not gonna give up, right?" Nata laughed, sipping on her juice.
"Tinley, for real, sto-" I cut her off.
"No, I won't apologize and all that shit. I'm asking for the last time, I promise" I smiled, putting my lips together. It seemed like she was surprised and, I'm not sure, hurt? She nodded and followed me as I was heading to my car. She didn't even ask where we were going, just followed me in silence.
"I don't know, if you wanted me to get rid of all that stuff or want it back, so I packed everything and you can do whatever you want with it" I said as I opened my trunk and handed her two big bags with her clothes, jewelry and other stuff. She still was silent, looking at everything I packed and it seemed like she didn't understand why I gave it back. "I didn't know if it's okay to give you back your presents, so I kept it but if you want them back, I can pack them too" She shook her head quickly.
I headed to the passenger seat and took two little red boxes. It felt weird to give it back to her but I couldn't keep it. I approach Billie and she was still on her spot near her car and bags with her stuff on the asphalt. I sighed, looking at the boxes.
"And, yeah, the rings" I smiled sadly, blinking quickly to stop tears that were formed in my eyes. "I hope you can sell them still or, I don't know, obviously, you can do whatever you want" I licked my dry lips and handed her the boxes. I didn't know what to do at that moment, just go away or help her to put her bags in the trunk.
"You don't have to give it away, it was supposed to be only for you" Billie mumbled and it seemed like she was in shock.
"It's a promise ring and a ring that means love so I have no rights to wear any of them" I shrugged, closing my trunk. "And, Billie, you probably think that I'm a bitch and a cheater but I'm really really sorry about what happened. And I'm sorry for being annoying and following you when you wanted to spend time with your friends. I'm really sorry. And I promise you, I won't bother you never ever again, it took me a little too long to realize that we're over"
I leaned on my dad's car, nervously playing with my sleeves. My voice was breaking so I needed to finish that conversation or I'll end up crying in front of her again.
"Thank you, Billie, for everything" I smiled with teary eyes. "I'm so sorry I fucked everything up. But I love everything we had, it was the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't regret anything. And I'll never forget it. But I ended up obsessed with you and it's killing me. Physically and mentally. As much as I wanted to fix us, I can't give up on myself and keep trying to convince you to forgive me when it was worthless. There's two in a relationship and I was the only one who wanted to fix us. So, thank you for the memories, and I just didn't want to end this all like a bad thing. And I'm sorry for wasting your time I just wanted to tell you that I'm grateful for everything and that I'm not gonna bother you anymore" I didn't even look at her because I wouldn't be able to finish my words if I saw her face. Billie was silent and she even wasn't moving. I wiped my face with my sleeve one more time. "Bye" I whispered, turning around on my heels and almost running to the school. She screamed something but I didn't hear what exactly. To be honest, I didn't want to.
It was unbearable to be near her anymore and I just wanted to find Roe. But crashed into her as soon as I opened the front door. She opened her mouth to say something but I pulled her in a tight hug, burying my face in her shoulder.
"We're over" I sobbed. "I gave all Billie's stuff back to her and a promise ring too"
"Oh my god, Tin, I'm" She stopped, licking her lips and probably trying to find the right words. "Do you want to talk about it?" She rubbed my back softly.
"No, I just need some time and I can't keep bothering her. I want her to be happy" I swallowed loudly, noticing a dude who was heading to us.
"Hey, there's Eilish crying in the parking lot" He pointed at the front door and my heart dropped. "I think you should check on her seems like she has a tantrum"
Roe looked at me an I lightly shook my head, slowly turning away and heading to the school's bathroom. It won't get better if I run to comfort her. She was my everything for too long and I need to take care of myself now. Because I knew that I won't be able to handle all that shit one more time.
Roe's POV
I ran to the parking lot, looking around to find Bil's car but it wasn't that hard. I mean, she's the only one here who can afford yellow motherfucking Lamborghini. Also there were a bunch of people who tried to talk to her but probably it was pointless, she was sobbing way too hard, I doubt she had time to actually breathe. She was sitting on the ground, leaning on her car. A few bags were on the asphalt next to her.
"Bil, calm down" I sat in front of Billie, putting my hands on her knees and rubbing them. "What the fuck is so interesting here?" I turned my head and yelled at everyone who was looking at her like it was a fucking circus. I guess, I was pretty convincing so they disappeared in a few seconds.
"She gave everything back" Eilish sobbed, hugging her knees. "I thought we will fix it eventually, I thought it was just a phase" She cried out, burying her face in the sleeves of her hoodie.
"You thought what?" I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. "Do you even fucking know how you acted around Tinley? It seemed like you didn't even want to see her"
"I was just mad" She raised her head, looking at me with her red puffy eyes. "I wanted a break"
"You're unbelievable" I shook my head. "You put her through a fucking hell, I doubt she ate something since the day you broke up with her, and you treated her like she's nothing. And now you're telling me that you were just fucking mad?" I snapped at her, frowning. Billie stopped crying, wiping her face with her sleeves. "If you want to know what you've done, when this guy told us that you're crying in the parking lot, she just walked away" Her gaze slowly drifted to her feet.
"I fucked up" Billie whispered after a few seconds of silence. I got up, smirking sadly and shaking my head.
"You know, a few days ago Tinley told me that you're her everything. Just try to imagine what did you do to her. She gave up on her mental health, on her physical health, then she gave up on you" I looked at her eyes. "You know why? She wanted you to be happy. She was like a fucking zombie, following you and begging for your forgiveness. Just stop being a bitch to Tinley, and tell your fucking friends to back off. Let her move on, you're playing with her feelings and she did nothing bad to you or your friends"
"I love her" I chuckled ironically as she sobbed one more time.
"Yeah, we all noticed. You know, I was the one who tried to convince her not to break up with you when you actually cheated on her. When you broke her finger and she still was dragging you to your home. When you were covered in hickeys and when Tinley figured out that you were agree to have sex with Mila. I fucking regret it. I should've shut the fuck up"
"I didn't sleep with Mila"
"Tinley didn't even kiss her, you broke up with your girlfriend because of a video of her being unconscious and kissed by other girl. You should've go and beat the shit out of Mila. But what did you do?" My anger in me was growing.
"Okay, enough, I don't need a fucking lecture" Billie got up and harshly put the bags in her trunk, wiping tears on her cheeks off with her sleeve. "I know how much I fucked up"
"No, Billie, you have no idea"