"Sooo...." Darla drawls out, twirling her fork around in her bowl of mashed potatoes. The two of us have pretty much had a bonding day, since my mom is out at some meeting with my dad's publicist and my dad and Ethan have been cooped up in the basement working on music for the tour. And although I really just want to be wrapped up in Ethan because we just confessed our love for each other yesterday, I know I can't be too selfish. My dad needs him too.
And I haven't gotten to hang out with Darla in what feels like forever. I've missed her. While we haven't always had the steadiest relationship in the world, I do love that we've grown closer recently. I never realized how cool of a little sister I have.
I tweak up an eyebrow at her words, wondering what on earth she has to say with that devious look in her eye. My sister is quite the firecracker, that much I know, and while she can be somewhat threatening sometimes, she's really just hilarious. In a humiliating sort of way. "Yes?"
She lifts her fork up and points the end at my neck, before saying dryly, "I haven't made fun of you for your necklace of hickies yet. You had to have known it was coming."
My hand immediately flies to the base of my neck, where I know Ethan has made it quite clear what we got up to yesterday. I'd applied makeup to the three love bites this morning, but I guess it's faded and the evidence is as clear as day. Shit.
She giggles, saying, "Really Hallie? I've already seen them. Kind of obvious."
"Shut up," I say, cheeks flaming as I poke my tongue out at her. "I put foundation on them earlier, guess it faded."
"Obviously," she laughs, shoveling a forkful of potatoes into her mouth. "It looks like he tried to suck you dry for Christ's sake. What? Were y'all role playing and he was Edward or something?"
"You are thirteen!" I scold, trying my hardest not to laugh at the perverted joke. "You should not know what that is."
"Oh please," she scoffs, rolling her eyes. "I go to private school. There're some really slutty people there who like to talk really loud. I hear things."
"My-" I go to say something else, but am cut short by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Damn it. Now I have to get up. I toss my fork into my empty bowl and then after telling Darla I'll be right back, I hitch myself out of the booth and make my way through the kitchen and foyer to the front door.
Not even bothering to look through the peep hole, I wrench the door open and am kind of struck when I see who's standing in front of me. It's Fred, and judging by the bags underneath his eyes and the paleness of his cheeks, he hasn't gotten much sleep since I last saw him. Instead of wearing a silly hat or some shirt with a quirky statement on it, he's just standing there in a plain pair of jeans and a shirt that looks like it could take a turn in the washing machine.
This isn't...this can't be because of me, right? No way. There's no way he'd look like this just because I turned him down. Fred would never let himself look this haggard over a girl, especially me.
"Hey," I say softly, feeling just a bit sorry for him. He's got to be miserable, judging by how he looks. I've seen him look better than this after going an entire weekend with two hours of sleep. "What's going on?"
Running his fingers through his hair, he says a bit uncomfortably, "We need to talk."
I know that nothing good is going to come from this; that it's going to just strain our friendship even further if it doesn't just ahead and ruin it. But judging by the look on his face, he's desperate to get things settled and out in the open.
So that's the only reason that I suck in a breath, trying to steady my nerves, and then pull the door open even further to let him in. I tell him, "Let's go into the study," and then without waiting for a response, I shut the door behind him and then lead him into the room that's built right off of the den. I really don't want Darla to listen in on this, and it's the room most separated from the kitchen.
Once he's settled onto the couch in the study, I shut the door and then go and sit on the recliner next to the couch, knowing how dumb it would be to sit right next to him. Already I'm feeling antsy and ready for him to go, but I can't delay this anymore. This talk needs to happen whether I want to deal with or not. The boy told me he loved me for Christ's sake, whether or not he was drunk. I kind of need to hear him out.
He's quiet for a little while, the awkwardness in the air nearly palpable, but I can't seem to find the voice to say anything to break it. I can really only just sit there, wondering what on earth he's going to say and how this is going to happen.
When he speaks, he starts off with, "I'm sorry 'bout the other day. Having you come and pick me up. Jesse told me."
"It's okay," I say truthfully, already over the fact that I had to go and pick him up. We've always taken care of each other when one of us has been drunk. That's just how we are. But I do make sure and add, "That's what friends do."
And he obviously picks up on my not-so-subtle labeling of us as just friends, seeing as he winces just a bit. He hunches his back ever so slightly, resting his elbows onto his knees and then propping up his chin. He goes quiet for a moment, before he comes back and says, "I don't think we should just be friends, Hal..."
He doesn't look at me, his eyes too focused on the floor, but I cannot seem to be able to look away from him. I'm just completely bewildered and confused and pretty freaked out too because I don't know what to do, how to go about this. "Fred," I start, before swallowing back a lump of nerves that's built up in the back of my throat. "You have Jeanie, y'all have been together..."
"I don't...I don't love her. I never did. She was just...we've been together for so long and she lives with me and it's just really fucking complicated. But I don't love her." And this is when he decides to look at me, right when he adds, "I love you. I really do. And I know it's really fucking weird and out-of-the-blue but I can't stop thinking about what would happen if we...if we...I don't know. Got together, I guess. I think it would be really really good."
"I don't," I say quietly, my nerves and frustrations getting the best of my voice. I really don't want to hurt his feelings or anything, because I do love Fred. He's one of the most fun people to be around, and I know that he's always genuinely cared about me, whether or not it be because he loved me. Out of our group of friends, he's always been the nicest. So I can't find it in my heart to be mad at him because he's stepping out on my best friend or because he's trying to get with me even though he knows I'm with Ethan. I can't just be mean to him.
But I have to tell him the truth, whether or not it makes me feel terrible in the end.
"Freddy boo," I say, bringing out the nickname I haven't used in quite some time. "I love you...as a friend. Only a friend. You're an amazing person and I feel so awful that I can't like you back, but I don't."
"You think you don't," he insists, leaning towards me, his elbows moving from his knees to the armrest of the couch. "But you haven't even really thought of it. You know we'd be good together."
"We wouldn't, though," I tell him sincerely. "Because I'm really happy with Ethan, and I don't want to ruin that."
Completely ignoring my attempt at bringing my boyfriend into the conversation, Fred shakes his head and says, "Hallie, we haven't even...we haven't even tried so how would you know?"
"Because I just do!" I say a bit breathlessly, feeling exasperated at this argument already. I know that nothing I would feel for him could even compare to what I already feel with Ethan. I know that. I know in my stomach, in my heart, woman's intuition, whatever...I know that anything with anyone but him would just not be the same.
Before I can even blink Fred has risen from the couch and walked over to where I'm sitting in the recliner, anchoring both of his hands on the armrests so that I'm trapped. He's looming over me, his green eyes twisted with something I've never seen before. He looks so determined that it actually twists my stomach, making me feel slightly nauseous and extremely on edge.
With a sinking stomach I know what he's about to do, what he's going to pull, and judging by that look in his eye I know that there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to stop him. But still, I have to try. I shake my head, sucking my bottom lip into my mouth so that maybe it'll deter his advances. I say, "Fred...don't do it."
"Just let us try," he insists, leaning in closer, so close that I can smell the Listerine strip he must have popped in his mouth before coming over. He's been planning this since he got here, planned on kissing me.
My stomach is in knots, my head and hands feeling clammy, and my heart racing. And none of this is in the good way, not in the way that I feel when I'm around Ethan, when Ethan is standing this close to me. I don't want anyone but him this close to me, no one at all.
But I know that this is something I'm not going to be able to get out of. I just know it. "Don't," I say, my voice pleading. I can't kiss someone other than Ethan, I just can't. I wouldn't be able to stand myself if that happened.
"Just one, okay?" he whispers, his voice sounding so soft, almost like he's trying to caress away my nerves with his voice. What he doesn't know is that there is nothing he can do to make me want to kiss him. Nothing in this world.
And it's that that's floating around in my mind when his lips lean in and capture mine, my bottom lip popping out of my mouth instinctively. I feel absolutely nothing, not a thing other than disgust and sadness, as his lips slowly begin to move against mine, trying to coax any possible reaction out of me.
"What the...Hallie?"
The moment I hear him, I hear his voice, my entire world begins to crack. Like a rock that's just hit a windshield, that initial crack across the surface spreads throughout my heart. I wrench away from Fred's mouth, and immediately turn my head to face him, and what I see makes that crack expand, slowly but surely.
"Ethan," I start, feeling so disgusted and terrified that I don't even know what to do, what to think. Is this really what's happening? Has Ethan seriously walked in at the worst possible moment in time? He's now seen me kissing another guy that I wasn't even...that I didn't even want to kiss! I had begged Fred not to kiss me, pleaded with him. He just didn't listen.
I quickly jump out of the chair, not caring that I painfully collide with Fred's shoulder, and then run over to my boyfriend who is looking at this situation like he wants to vomit. I reach out and try to grab at his arm, but he flinches away from me in a way that stuns my senses. He doesn't even want to touch me. Oh my God. "Ethan please," I say desperately, my voice sounding like a ghost. "It wasn't...I begged him not to kiss me."
"Well obviously it didn't work, now did it?" Ethan demands dryly, his expression so hard and cold that it makes me want to cry.
"I swear to God, Ethan, that I don't feel anything for him. Nothing."
"And that's supposed to make me feel better?!" he practically yells, making me shrink away from him. He's never yelled at me. The last fight we had...yesterday...he got mad and raised his voice but that was nothing compared to this. Nothing. This, this...it just burns and hurts and feels so gut-wrenchingly terrible that I can't stand it. "You cheated on me with a guy you feel nothing for? Thanks so fucking much Hallie!"
"That's not what I meant," I say eagerly, shaking my head like a maniac. Tears are burning at my eyelids, clogging my throat, and I know I'm only seconds away from verging on hysteria. "I love you Ethan, I told you that yesterday...Fred was trying to convince me that if I kissed him I'd want to be with him and I still didn't...I still told him no because I knew I couldn't feel anything for him but he did anyways! Ethan, I would never..."
"Don't finish that sentence. You say you would never but you did anyways...I just saw you!"
That's when the dam breaks and the tears start to fall onto my cheeks, coming fast and heavy from the beginning. This is a nightmare...this is everything that I never thought would happen. I take a step towards him, it not even registering in my head that he's going to push me away from him until it actually happens. Because as I take that one step, he takes it backwards, moving as far away from me as possible.
I sob, "Ethan please...don't...don't do this, okay? Just please don't. I...I love..."
He cuts me off, his voice no longer furious but even worse. Now he just sounds frozen, detached. Like he couldn't care less about me. He says, "You know, I was really starting to hate the fact that this tour was coming up so quickly. I was excited for it, yeah, but I just wasn't ready to leave you for a whole year. But now...now that tour better get here goddamn fast 'cause I just don't even want to be around you anymore."
And with that he leaves, walking out of the study door with a finalizing slam of the large oak door. And it's then that that crack finally initiates the shatter...my heart feeling like it's just broken into a million and six pieces. I don't even realize that I've fallen onto the floor, my arms wrapping around my knees so that I can cry into them, my tears never pausing or taking a break.
It's over.
Ethan and I...we're over. That look on his face, those words that he practically threw at me...it all says that we're over and there's no chance in hell that we're going to get back together. All because of me. All because I kissed Fred and he walked in at the worst possible moment, before I'd even gotten a chance to push Fred away.
And I can't even be mad at him for not listening to me because I would have been the same way. If I'd walked in on him kissing some girl my mind would have been made up then and there. I would've broken up with him just like he did me. Because, I'm guessing, walking in on the person you love kissing someone else has got to be one of the absolute worst feelings in the world.
"Hallie?" a meek, almost terrified voice says from behind me, and when I look up I see the sympathetic hazel eyes of my little sister. She says, "I'm so sorry Hallie, but he came in there looking for you because him and dad were taking a break and I told him you were in here, but I didn't think any of this would happen and I'm..."
"Can you just stop...please?" I ask her, not being able to hear any of this. I don't want to think about the reasoning, I don't want to think about him looking for me, probably wanting to spend his quick break with me, and then walking in on me kissing Fred. I just can't even...it just twists the knife even further.
She sinks down to her knees, propping herself right next to me, and runs her fingers through my hair. She says, "It's gonna be okay, Hal. I know it is. Y'all love each other."
I shake my head pathetically, feeling the hot tears falling into the corners of my lips. I say, "He doesn't love me...not anymore. I just...I just cheated." And I hate myself for it. God, do I hate myself.
She says, "I didn't even see anything and I know for a fact you didn't willingly cheat on him. This is all on Fred...it's all his fault, okay? Ethan's just pissed...he'll get over it and he'll see...he will."
I'm still shaking my head, my wavy brown hair covering most of my face by now but I can't even lift my fingers to move it. I say, "You didn't...you didn't hear the things he said to me. He hates me."
Ethan hates me.
The guy that I was totally and completely head over heels for hates me.
I just...I can't seem to wrap my head around it all.
"Ethan could never hate you," she says urgently. "The way he looked at you sometimes...he could never hate you."
"He does now, though," I croak out, my head falling onto my knees.
He does now.
A/N--Don't hate me, please! Haha, it had to be done :) Please leave votes and comments and fan, it'd be extremely appreciated! And to the side is a picture of our cute leading lady, even though she's not quite so happy in the story.