Declan's POV.
I stirred underneath thick blankets, the warmth of them almost overwhelming compared to the colder temperature I'm used to sleeping in. I shifted and groaned, waiting for Esme's comforting voice to come back. When she didn't respond, I reluctantly opened my eyes.
I looked at the other side of the bed where she had been when I drifted off. Empty. Pushing myself into a sitting position, I looked around the room. She's not here.
When Esme led me away from the group of vampires, she brought me to the second floor and into a bathroom. I blabbered out the same sob story I told Jasper as she wiped my face with a warm washcloth. Eventually we ended up sitting on the edge of a bathtub with the same washcloth now cold on the back of my neck. I needed to be cooled down before I passed out.
Then Esme led me to a bedroom, she sat me on the bed and hugged me while I cried. It was comforting, knowing she was here and that she was listening. She continuously pet my hair and told me just let it out. It was as if all my 17 years of trauma and pain came to the surface.
I'd rather not remember everything I told her.
Eventually after I was all cried out, she pulled the covers back and left for a moment to grab me extra blankets. She tucked me in like I was a child, and I begged her to stay with me.
I managed to ask her a few questions about what was going on with them. More specifically, where Emmett and Rosalie were. My answer was that they were traveling in Europe, I actually laughed a little bit when Esme said they were on another honeymoon. I noticed Edward wasn't around either, I didn't ask about him.
Now I was left to wonder where she went. The anxious and cruel part of me told me that they left me again. Did they wait for Esme to get me to fall asleep so they could sneak away?
I could hear movement downstairs, but I heard no familiar voices. Well, I didn't hear any voices at all. The silence is eerie, my own movements seem louder and can't compare to the near silent way that vampires can move.
I shifted until my feet were on the floor and looked around for my boots as I stood. I found them next to my duffle bag by a chair in the corner of the room. I sat in the chair as I pulled my boots back on and laced them up loosely before I sat next to my duffle and unzipped it. I grabbed out a fresh hoodie and pulled mine off.
I stood up and stretched my back, twisting and turning until my bones popped. Hesitantly I made my way to the closed door. I know the bathroom is right down the hall, I'd rather be able to get there without seeing anyone. I'd rather have a shirt on and have my face washed before I have to talk to these vampires.
Opening the door slowly and seeing that there was no one in the hallway, I quickly walked to the bathroom before closing the door behind me.
I tossed my hoodie on the counter and placed my hands next to it to steady myself as I took a few calming breaths. They're probably gone, my Cullens must've left me again. The Denali family will send me back to Charlie's and I'll have to accept that I am truly unwanted.
Turning the sink on and running the cold water, I splashed some of the water on my face and placed my cold wet hands on the back of my neck. After a minute of that, I flicked the water off and sighed. I reached for the nearest towel and tried my hands and face before glaring at myself in the mirror.
What did I even expect to get out of this?
Did I really think I'd be able to see my Cullens again and not let the heartbreak overwhelm me?
I growled and pushed away from the sink and sat myself down on the edge of the tub. Pushing my knuckles into my eyes hard enough until I see white spots, I bit my tongue to resist the urge to scream.
Ever since I've heard about what happened to Adam, I keep having these meltdowns where I begin screaming and crying again. The crying I think is okay, it's always okay to cry. The screaming however, seems a bit childish. As if screaming will help anything.
Spending a few minutes staring at the floor and tracing the patterns of the marble seemed to help me calm down. However I decided to stay put and prepare myself for the worst until I can confidently face whatever comes next. The last thing I want is for the vampires here to walk on eggshells around me.
Just fucking tell me if you're leaving me again.
I really thought I had closure therefore I'd be able to move on. I knew it would hurt but damn I didn't think I'd need them so much. I was aware of myself being dependent on the Cullens. I needed them, but I really thought Id be okay.
I was wrong. As usual.
I let my anger fill me with false confidence and hope. Usually I always force myself to move on and do better than before, just to prove to the people who wronged me that I don't need them. Spite has worked for me up until this point.
I wiped my clammy hands on my pants legs and reached for my hoodie to put it on. Panic began to rise as I heard footsteps coming up the nearby stairs.
Making sure my clothes weren't too messed up and checking myself out in the mirror real quick, I put my hand on the doorknob. Taking one final second to try and convince myself that I'm not a total train wreck, I pulled the door open.
I stepped out of the bathroom and headed down the hallway, I can see the dark haired man from the woods waiting there. He's leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets as if he's trying to seem more casual and approachable.
Slowing my steps as I reached the end of the hall, I figured it be rude to rush past the man. Maybe he's the one who's gonna break it to me that my Cullens left me behind and that they don't want me. I wonder if they flipped a coin to see who has to deal with me.
The mans golden eyes were piercing and I could only maintain eye contact for a few moments before I shyly looked at my feet.
"Hey," I offered.
The floor creaked as the man stepped closer to me, "hello. I'm Eleazar."
I noticed him holding out his hand for a greeting and I hesitantly took it. "Declan."
"Yeah, I've heard a lot about you." The amusement was clear in his voice.
I remember the name Eleazar, I remember that he and Carlisle met while Carlisle lived with the volturi. The two met up again later after they both choose to leave Italy.
Looking up at him with mild fear in my eyes I said, "oh?"
"All good." He promised, "Edward used to add in his two cents. His idea of balancing the seemingly endless praise and love Carlisle and Esme had."
Had.
I bit my bottom lip with a nod, "yeah, I'm sure that love is gone now huh?"
Eleazar's expression turned sad. "I think it's more of an unwritten rule not to talk about you. I doubt their feelings have changed."
I frowned, furrowing my eyebrows and crossing my arms over my chest.
"Where's Esme?" My voice sounds hurt and childish.
Sad became pity as Eleazar looked at the floor.
My stomach tied into knots as I realized that they did leave. Eleazar will walk me to the door and I'll wander around the forest until I collapse. I'll lay in the dirt until roots grow over me and I am swallowed by nature.
"She and Jasper went for a walk, Alice called and-. There's been some bad news." He said.
I tightened my grip on myself, "what bad news?"
What more can I handle right now?
"Alice had a vision of Isabella jumping from a cliff so she went to Washington. Isabella is okay, I've heard. I guess Rosalie told Edward a version of what happened, she thought that Edward would come back. Somehow, Edward believes Isabella is dead and Alice saw him going to the volturi." He explained.
I blinked at the sudden flood of names and information. "Bella jumped off a cliff? Wha-wh-! Why is Edward going to the volturi?"
"To ask them to kill him." Eleazar answered.
My body turned icy as nausea flooded through me. How could he do that? Why would he put his family through that pain?
"They won't. Right? They won't just kill him for no reason!" I choked out.
He sighed, "not without reason b-"
I cut him off. "Someone has to stop him!"
"Alice and Bella are already heading to Italy. They believe they can stop him." He stepped out of the way as I rushed towards the stairs.
I stepped quickly down the stairs, "where is everyone? Did they all leave?"
Eleazar followed me down, "Esme and Jasper are outside somewhere. Carlisle is out on the back deck, perhaps you should talk to him."
I snapped my head in his direction with glare present on my face before I softened. I'll have to talk to him at some point. Might as well do it when we have something to talk about other than the fact that he left me.
Eleazar gestured to a door across the room, that's when I noticed the three women sitting on the couch. They stood as I turned to face them. One was a brunette while the other two were blondes, all of them had the same gold eyes.
Not wanting to take the time to introduce myself to the women, I rushed over to the door that leads outside. I glanced behind me at them and nodded as I walked outside to the deck.
The pair were seated on a bench, the blonde woman keeping a small hand on Carlisle's shoulder. She looked at me with wide eyes as I stood there waiting for acknowledgement from Carlisle. After a moment, she stood with a pat to his shoulder.
"I'll be inside if you need me," she whispered just loud enough for me to hear.
She smiled softly as she walked past me and went back into the house, leaving Carlisle and I alone.
A small flame of jealousy was burning inside my chest as I thought about the woman who was sitting next to him. She was comforting him when it should've been me there for him.
I never thought about the possibility that Carlisle would find someone else.
The word boyfriend was never used, it wasn't a good fit. There was no reason to label what we had, it's not like anyone besides the Cullen family really knew how close we were anyway. Or at least that's what I thought, but I doubt that Carlisle told the Denali family the whole extent of our story.
I didn't think I needed to ask Carlisle if we were "exclusive" or if we were committed to only each other. It just seemed like we were. I didn't have anyone else and he never spoke of any one besides his friends and family.
It never occurred to me that the Cullens left and that means that Carlisle and I aren't really committed to one another anymore. I never thought that maybe Carlisle wasn't still waiting for me. I guess the denial didn't pass, I don't think it ever will.
Now, here we are.
Carlisle's sitting with his hands wound and his shoulders slumped. It's hard enough having to look at him after everything that's happened. It's even worse seeing him this defeated and tired.
Not to be worried though, it seems he can barely stomach looking at me as well. Perhaps he's been going through the same pain I have been in everyday. Although, I don't understand that. It was his choice to leave, he has to feel different than I do.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Can I sit with you?"
Finally he looked up at me. His golden eyes that used to glow with his happiness now glazed over and empty. He seemed to contemplate for longer than I'd like. Do I look like a ticking time bomb? I sure as hell feel like one.
"I'd like it if you did, but you don't have-," He looked away from me, "I know you're mad at me."
I hummed as I moved to sit next to him on the bench, "yeah, we're gonna ignore that right now. You're sad and I don't like that." When he looked at me with confusion I continued, "you'd do the same for me."
I looked down at my boots and resisted the urge to hug him and never let him go. I hate that after all this time and all the hurt he caused I still care for him in a way I've never had with anyone else.
"Eleazar told me whats going on, I'm sorry I wasn't home to stop Bella myself." I cracked my knuckles nervously and glanced at him. "Maybe if I never left Forks none of this would've happened. Edward wouldn't being going on some deranged suicide mission."
His face screwed up into a cringe as if the word suicide was too real. I understand, it is a disgusting word but as of now it's the right one.
"You shouldn't think like that, this is not your fault." Carlisle stated while his eyes follow the repetitive nervous movements I'm doing with my hands.
I nodded weakly, "I'm still debating if it was a good idea to come here or not. I don't know what I thought would happen."
I heard Carlisle inhale shakily, "how did you know we were here?"
Shrugging I answered, "I didn't. I just knew you had friends here, I thought if I found them they could lead me to you."
Carlisle and I looked at each other and the worry on his face only grew more apparent as I continued to talk.
"It's stupid and reckless, I shouldn't have come here. I should've just gone to New York then back to Forks. You don't want me here. I'm just a dumb bitch who doesn't understand that I should stay away when I'm unwanted."
My voice turned hard and frustrated by the end of my speech causing an already worried and confused man to grow more worried and confused.
"What makes you think you're unwanted?" He said with the same soft tone he always used with me when I was upset.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes before looking at him with a slight glare. I choose to stay silent as the only thing I could think of saying we're not very comforting or kind.
I watched silently as Carlisle seemed to crumble even more, he hunched over to bury his face in his hands. Much like he did the night before he left me. The same action with the slight shake in his shoulders and he takes deep breaths as if his body needs it.
Sighing in defeat, I lifted a hand to place on his back between his shoulders. Rubbing soothing circles with my fingers and leaning closer to him.
"I'm sorry, this isn't about us right now." I mumbled my apology in shame. "We can fight it out when Edward, Alice, and Bella are home and safe."
Carlisle nodded as he straightens up. He glanced at me for a moment before he seemed to find what he was looking for. He leaned down until his head was resting on my shoulder and rested some of his weight against me.
I wrapped my arm further around his shoulders and pulled him closer. Before they left, it was moments like this that really made me feel like Carlisle and I had something profound. When he would let me carry some of the weight he had on his shoulders, the times where I got to be the rock.
It was always the other way around, something always was going wrong with me. So, when I got to comfort him it made things feel different. It was less about the actual need to be comforted, it's not like I liked seeing him upset. It was more about the fact that he trusted me enough and saw me as someone who could bring him comfort.
He knew I wasn't too fragile or sensitive to handle comforting him with he needed it. We were equals, and I loved it.
I rested my head on top of his, "where are we going when Edward gets back?"
I refuse to think about what will happen if they don't come back, so instead we will plan for the better future. Plus it's better Carlisle knows that I'm going with him, I'm staying with them.
"Forks," Carlisle answered.
I hoped that Carlisle didn't notice the way I tensed up but I'm sure he did. "Both of us, right?"
He pulled away from me and my panic grew as he looked at me.
"As long as you're okay with it, I'm never leaving you again." He promised.
"I've heard that before." I muttered as I pulled him back to my side.
He hummed in acknowledgement and leaned against me. "I'm so sorry."
I shushed him, "later."
"You deserve an apology." He argued.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Not right now though. There's too much going on, too much that happened. I just want to sit with you for a little while if that's alright."
I continued to rub his back to try and offer the only comfort I could. I can't tell him that everything will be okay, I won't promise something that I can't be sure will happen.
My mind drifted to Esme as I thought more about Edwards plans. She literally was changed into a vampire because she jumped from a cliff to her death. How is she handling knowing that her son now is in a similar place.
Both Carlisle and Esme are familiar with wanting to die and acting on that want. Now Edward seems to be following in his parents footsteps.
Isn't that every child's worst nightmare? Becoming their parents?
Mine sure as hell is.
After a few quiet minutes, Carlisle places a large and cold hand on my knee. His thumb rubbed carefully and hesitantly as if he was waiting for me to push him away.
"I'm so sorry about Adam." He whispered.
My breathing hitched at the sound of his name.
He squeezed my knee tighter. "You were so hysterical, I almost didn't believe you. I didn't want it to be true."
"Please." I started. "I don't want to talk about that either."
"I understand."
I bit at my lips and pushed away the feelings of grief. Bows not a good time to fall apart again. Not until I know that Bella and Alice saved Edward and they're all coming home.
The comforting weight of Carlisle against my side and the sounds of his now even breathing gave me something to focus on. Yet, I kept thinking about what will happen next.
There's so many things that could happen or should happen, but I can't feel confident that what will happen will be for the better.
Whatever happens next, I hope that the Cullens stick around. Even if I have to go with them, if I can't stay in Forks and still have my Cullens. I guess I would choose them.
I'd hate to leave Charlie so soon though, but I hope he would understand. He would want me to do what I have to do to be happy.
I have to accept that ill have to leave Charlie someday, but I didn't think it would be so soon.