Hey guys this was supposed to be posted last night, and I could swear I posted it but it seems I didn't. So when I checked to see it now I realized that I forgot to post it. Truly sorry. Next time I will double check that I posted it.
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8 Lives Chapter 20- Recreate
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Edward's POV
The pain only grew on the drive home; staying in place, watching my life go by, was something that made the pain the more real. It was better to walk than to stay in place, and have each thought jab itself into me even more than it should have. Staying in place made all my thoughts combine into an enormous weight of sadness, but with walking I would have all of the tension slowly decreased. Even though the decrease wouldn't be drastic, it would be something in the end. And that's all I could hope for: Something.
Emmett and Jasper's voices were droned out as I soon began to slip away from reality. Their endless chatter to try and coerce me to see what little benefits can come of this, was soon a pile of nothingness. There were no benefits of my situation, period. Nothing is going the way it was supposed to be, but that's how it's always been. One wrong turn before getting back on track in an even better way. But this time it's different. It isn't only one wrong turn, it's more than I can count. There's Bella not having any remembrance, Remessmee thinking that the accident with Joseph was all planned by Bella and so on. It's all too much for me to even comprehend what's going on.
None of it adds up.
As we neared our house I heard my angel speaking, and that was all it took for me to disengage myself from my rueful thoughts. She was questioning Esme on the house, and how gallant it all seemed. Slowly a smile began to creep onto my face, remembering the first time I brought her to the house. The warmness she brought through me with just one of her flush smiles filled with blood rising to her cheeks.
The way her chocolate brown eyes lit up whenever I was around, making me feel important to the world I lived, that only consisted of loneliness. The memories of all of our moments in this house began flooding into my head, letting the smile deepen across my face. I sighed, only time will tell if I am going to be the only one to cherish our memories that we had together.
Time is now my greatest enemy.
Esme's thoughts were consisted of only worry on how everything will effect her now. I stiffened at the worst possibility of her never wanting to be with such a monster. When I referred to myself as a monster in the past, she soothed me by telling me that I was far from one. Fate was ever so kind to let her fall in love with me once, yet is it ever so kind to let her remember me?
The door became ajar and I noticed Emmett and Jasper's pity in their eyes, which angered me. I never wanted nor needed their pity towards me, it is enough that I pity myself, I don't need it. I thread my fingers through my hair and tugged, as if to separate my hair from me.
"Yes you do Edward, we all need to feel sorry for our family's "lost". You aren't in this alone." Jasper grabbed my shoulder and brought me to stand; when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and let death take me.
Emmett and Jasper pushed me in front of them, taking the precaution, because they thought that I would run away as the coward I am. I've run away before, causing grief to my family, mostly Esme, which was why I had vowed since that day never to run off; though times are different, and it isn't before long that I break that vow.
I steadied my hand over the knob and sighed inwardly. Things will never be the same for me nor my family, but how much more pain and shifting reality off its course can we handle? We are strong together, but if someone were to take each individual they would see that without each other we wouldn't stand on our own two feet alone. I twisted the knob and tilted my head back, wishing that my brain can just shake off all the grief that I had building inside of me.
When my eyes opened I found myself staring into Bella's eye's. Her confused ones met my gloomy saddened ones. I stared at each little crease on her forehead, trying to see what else has troubled her since she awoke. Her posture was sagged forward, as if closing herself away from everyone. Her wandering eyes removed from mine to my brothers. Even though her eyes left mine, I still felt the depth of her eyes looking deep into my soul.
Esme interrupted my thoughts by announcing that she was about to show Bella around the house; though since I was here she decided that it would be best for me to show her. I cocked my head up at Esme and saw that she hoped that it would spike a memory. I obliged, mainly because all I can ever do is hope alongside.
Bella's eyes widened in alarm, but that was something I was expecting. She didn't want to spend her time alone with a sorrowed man that can't keep himself upright. She doesn't need to keep herself in the presence of her ex-husband. I shuddered as I rethought the word ex-husband. It send a ripple of pain through me, and I knew that there wasn't any other way to put it. I may claim to be her's, but her heart doesn't claim a thing for me. I am nothing but a grievous person she encountered with.
But I still had to try, hope was close to falling off the ledge and I didn't want that to happen. Hope was all I needed to keep myself upright because without it I would be no more. Alice offered to come along, but all I wanted was alone time with Bella. I don't need Alice to comfort her, that's my job. Whether Bella realizes it or not, I am always going to be the one that want to hold her and reassure everything will be alright.
Right when my mouth moved and voiced my answer, Bella automatically answered the opposite. I needed her not to be afraid of my very presence; I know what this was going to take time, but I have to start somewhere. I stared through Alice's eyes and thought of burning her clothes, shredding them one by one if she dared to come along. Alice quickly surrendered, but not without a scowl in my direction.
Bella stood in place as if never going to move in this era. Still my stubborn Bella, I mused as I stood by the first landing. I didn't stay very long in that specific spot before I heard her petite footsteps pressing against the floor. I trudged my feet up the stairs, only having my ears pay attention to her breathing and my thoughts centered around her every move; closing off all of the thoughts of my family that invaded my head by each step I took.
"Graduation caps?" Her voice sounded from behind me, and I myself was pulled into a memory. When she first came to the house and walked up these very steps with me, and asked that very question. I felt inside of me; something I couldn't explain. It felt almost like hope was increasing in me. I moved my hand over the place where my heart would have been and began replying with a smile that wouldn't shake off my face no matter what.
She nodded understanding my response, but since I was in front of her she didn't see how much it fully touched my when she asked that question. We moved through the house, and I showed her the study, keeping the order of when she was a mortal and I brought her here. We glided through the hall and came to a halt by my room. I wrapped my hand around the knob, watching my hand the way it grasped it; as if holding onto for dear life. I pushed it open and introduced her to my room.
She made her way around me when she realized that I stood by the door, closely trying to reconfigure the past. Her foots steps padded against the floor and she found herself fingering the labels of the CD's.
"You have an obsession with music." She commented and I felt another ripple of hope through me. She had commented as a mortal on them. It wasn't the same words but it was around the same.
"Not an obsession, but a passion." My eyes focused on her movement; curving from one side to the next for a better view of all the CD's at once. The lamp on the side flickered and she snapped her attention wordlessly towards it. Her intense gaze focused its every fold, every light beam, every aspect of what made it a lamp.
"How do I see the way I do? I don't remember ever seeing things so clearly." Her soft voice called me out of my never ending trance of staring at her, and I soon found my voice to come up my larynx tube.
"Let us go downstairs, and it is there that you will find the answer." I offered as I led her out of my room. This was the question that I was dreading to answer, but all will be revealed. The first time we told her what we were she took it remarkably well and still considered us people in this corrupted society that we live in. The second time around, I don't know what to expect. Bella has always been unpredictable, so it could go either way. She can either be calm and collected or scream in horror and leave me for good.
All good things had left me, so I wouldn't be entirely surprised if she decided to walk out on me. She is her own woman, I can no longer out my
input on what I think is best anymore. Because I knew that if I did, I would slide to my knees and beg for her comfort. I need her by my side to keep me stable, if she leaves me I will be as broken as a puzzle.
We passed a glass window and I knew that my expression showed what I was truly feeling. There was no reason to hide it, she would find out eventually all the pain that consumes me to no end. My eyes saddened even more at the very thought of her leaving my life after we tell her what we are; without her I cannot live. I won't have a soul without her. When, and if, she leaves I know that she will unknowingly be taking a part of me with her. She wouldn't realize that apart of me is with her, but I will always feel the emptiness of my ability to love destroyed. She would be taking away the part that I learned when I was with her.
My ability to love.
No other woman can make me feel that way Bella makes me felt. All our history would live long in my heart and soul, even when the love between us was gone forever. I would still find a will to remember who I gave my heart to; the person who has the key to complete me or break me. Any little thing is hers, though with the way things are going right now, it will be a long time before she figures out that I am forever going to be hers.
We rounded the couches and I noticed that the rest of my family did not even recognize our presence. Their thoughts as well as their whispers said aloud only concerned Bella and I. I snuck a look at Bella and noticed how uncomfortable it must be to have people- you don't know- speaking of you is such a way that you were attached to them mind and body. I cleared my throat to get their attention, and it seemed to work. Only, they all raked their eyes on My Bella.
"Bella wants to know why she sees things differently." I brought their attention towards my voice, and I was thought to have succeeded in making my angel more comfortable. Though she seemed to have forgotten to take down my siblings names. She asked their names and began writing them on a slip of paper. I watched her cursive script scribble its way onto the paper. Even in a hurry she does things magnificently.
"What we are about to tell you, stays only between us. Okay Bella?" Carlisle spoke carefully, also worried at how she is going to take this the second time around.
"Yes, whatever you will say will stay between us only." Bella confirmed as she looked into Carlisle's eyes, sensing that what he was about to tell her was the most important thing of her entire existence.
"We are all vampires." Carlisle said it as smoothly as possible, but I knew it shocked her all the same. The way her eyes popped out, as if not fully able to grasp nor to comprehend what we just said
" By we, you mean..." She trailed off, while I knew that she was it taking it as easily as she did before. Thank God for Carlisle breaking the news to her, because I know for a fact that I would not even be able to respond to her because I would not even be able to say such a sickening word that was only a translation of the living dead.
"By we, I mean all of us. Including you Bella." Carlisle spoke only in soft tones, for not to frighten her. But even in his soft tone I knew that it was a shock all the same. Her eyes widened- and I didn't need Jasper to tell me that her eyes we're widening with fear.
"Please tell me your joking." She pled for him to say yes, but he shook his head making it official. And even though there was nothing I can do to change what she has become, I just wish that there was a much easier way for us to break it to her. But there was no simpler way, this was the only way available for us.
Her eyes only widened as she began to fully understand what we told her. She is a vampire, and there is nothing she can do nor say to change that. She is stuck at the age seventeen, never aging, never moving forward.
I saw the look of shock pass through her. But instead of passing her scarlet face it stayed there. The shock of her life will never die down.
"I can't do this right now. Can someone please take me home?" She stood up swiftly, not really concentrating on the speed she just used. The way she refused to believe what we were, what she was, meant only one thing.
She was in denial.
"We still haven't even discussed the rules-" Carlisle began, but she could not consume any more information than she already had, for she pressed her fingers to her temples; as if to stop her ears from hearing anymore.
"Another time, I seriously don't know how much more I can take." She cried as she made her way towards the door; though I wasn't going to let her go that easily. I walked away from her before and she left me when she wanted another break from our marriage. As of now it is another break from our marriage, but something is telling me that it is more permanent.
I wasn't strong enough for her to leave. If she left, my strength would leave, and I don't think my un-beating heart could take anymore. I cannot stand on my own, I need her to live.
"There is nothing more you can say to me. I've made my decision." She stubbornly fought back any type of persuasiveness that she believed I was going to use.
I still need to spend the most time possible by her side. Being near her was enough to keep me going, and to keep me going I need to be able to inhale, live by, see, and feel her presence. I knew that this was the time for me to let go, even though I don't want to, I must. Whatever she wanted was hers in the end, anything at all; even if what she wanted caused me great pain, I knew that hopefully, someday, we will be rejoined once again.
"I wasn't going to persuade you, I was just going to drive you safely." I admitted as we walked outside and made our way to a silver Volvo. I might as well stay by her presence long enough for me to go on for many days to come.
"You being stubbornness is one of the traits that I've fallen in love with." I murmured, in hopes that it brought some memories to her. Even though I didn't want to pressure her, it just came out of my lips naturally.
As we pulled out if the driveway, I kept a speed that I knew she would like. Forty miles per hour rather than zooming through at eighty degrees; though this isn't the only reason. I wanted to be in her presence as long as I possibly can. All too soon we arrived by her old house; I should have went twenty miles an hour.
" Thanks for the ride." She murmured as her hands grasped the handle and opened the door.
"Anything for you. But I would have much rather opened that door for you." I murmured truthfully back to her as she slammed the door closed.
With her she took my heart, with me I had nothing of her. All I had in me was hope, an I knew that it wasn't enough. There was a part of my brain in denial, as if already functioned to tell me that good things for me never last. A frown seemed very custom on my face, it seems I can not go five minutes without feeling even more saddened than the last.
As I pushed the acceleration I felt alone in this world. I haven't felt this feeling since I met Bella, but now it took over me as a whole. All my sadness fused into anger towards myself for not preventing this from happening.
"It's all your fault!" I slammed my hands against the steering wheel, pressing the horn, music, and heat on all at once; but I didn't care what I did anymore. I have lived far too long and this is God's way of telling me: it's over for you. I rocked my head against the headrest and slammed it harder and harder as I rode faster.
I felt myself fold into sadness and anger- switching as if I were a newborn with my emotions all over the place. My common sense was gone, or so I thought. I needed Bella to remember me, without her remembrance I am worthless. I am not a soul without her. I closed my eyes shut and let my thoughts swarm my head, hoping, desperately, to find a way for something to gain her remembrance. But only one question lay unmoving in my head.
What if she never remembers?
I sighed through my clenched teeth and came up with a solution. If there is no progress during the following days I will try and recreate her memories.
I ran my fingers through my bronze hair and sighed in contentment; yes that's what I will do, I will recreate all of our memoirs for her. It couldn't be that hard. The tires rolled against the driveway and I stepped on the break and parked. Once I slammed my door shut, I made my way up the three steps.
Once inside I was faced with expressions of only remorse. As I skimmed all their faces, I remained still, as if trying to figure what to say to them, but it wasn't my turn to speak; Carlisle was the one who broke the silence.
"The Denali's are coming."
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Okay, so I was wondering if you guys can be ever so kind and to vote on every chapter of Shattered for the Watty's. thank you.
- And I already see you guys thinking why he didn't "smell" Jacob, it's because he was too engrossed in his own sadness to focus.