Duan Shurong replied, “I have no time today. I already have a date with my girlfriends(a.k.a friends) , but I remember that your workplace is quite near to the TV station, I get off work at 5:30pm. So if you want to have dinner with me, remember to ask me one day in advance!”
He Jin smiled bitterly. Even if Duan Shurong was available that day, he wouldn’t be able to make it, and he might even have to take a day off the next day.
“Okay, then I’ll text you again.” After texting with Duan Shurong back and forth, the taxi had already arrived at He Jin’s home.
After settling the bill and getting off the taxi, he walked upstairs with much difficulty. Before entering home, he adjusted his breath for a bit, as he wanted to face his family normally and not let them find out anything wrong with him. However, he was looking so pale, without a sense of blood on his face, his eyes were swollen and the skin on his lips were cracked. No matter how much he wanted to hide, his parents would find out in a second.
“He Jin! You’re back!” Seeing He Jin’s soulless look, his mother eagerly approached and greeted him.
He Jin did not try to hide. Unexpectedly, he looked at his mother worriedly and he seemed to feel very guilty. He stretched out his hand and held the anxious old woman into his arms, then whispered, “mom, it’s alright. I’m back, and I’m fine.”
His mother’s eyes suddenly turned red. At this moment, her son was still caring about her, and all she wanted was her son to be well, “are you worried that I’ll suffer again? See how well we are…silly, now tell mom, why would you have such thoughts? You have such a stable job, and we’ve already bought you an apartment for your marriage. If those women didn’t know how good you are, it’s just that they’re not fortunate enough!”
“Am I good…” He Jin was confused. He thought that he’s far from good.
His mother patted on his back lightly, as if he’d become a little kid of five to six years old again. The kid that hadn’t grown up and still needed someone to take care of, a kid that could only depend on her, “of course you are, you haven’t seen the aunties and neighbors praising you, and they’re envious of us having such a filial son!”
He Jin didn’t know whether he should cry or laugh. The self that he wanted to deny so much had turned out to be best in others’ eyes.
“Okay, okay, how old are you now? Why can’t you even take this? Mom has to criticize you again.”
Seeing that his mother was going to lecture him again, He Jin said weakly, “mom, I’m tired now, I want to sleep for a while in my room. Ok?”
He Jin’s mother went on blaming him a bit about him drinking too much. Then, she let him ago and allowed him to rest first. Initially, she still had something to ask He Jin, but all was interrupted by He Jin’s warm hug.
In fact, during the half an hour when she was waiting for He Jin, his mother had thought a lot.
After more than half a year of regular psychological treatment, she also realized some of the psychological damages she had caused to her family and her son. Now, her condition was improved a lot. Knowing that she’s sick, she dared not get too emotional either. She finally realized the feeling of having a “huge stone” pressing her brain, it’s an entirely feeling when she could think normally and clearly.
He Jin’s mother recalled the few words that He Jin had told her on the phone. He was so desperate and he felt so hopeless. All of a sudden, she had an unprecedented panic, and this kind of panic was different from the times when her depression took its toll on her. Previously, she was scared of losing control over He Jin, just like He Lin who had left her. However, it was completely different this time. He felt that He Jin was asking for help from her, like a child that had been pushed to his limit.
Since he was small, He Jin had been very tough. Although he looked very gentle on the surface, he’s always tough and determined. He would only give way to someone after being suppressed.
Therefore, since He Jin had grown up, he had never asked his mother for help. This had put her at ease, as she was reassured of having done a good job being a mother. However, this had put her into panic as well, as she had no way to find out what problems her son was facing, and what she could do to help…
After He Jin returned to his bedroom, she went on having more crazy thoughts. Then, she asked her husband, “hey, Lao He, haven’t you found out that our son is having some issues lately? He was obviously quite well before, how come he’s suddenly like this now? What do you think has happened?”
He Jin’s father was watching them since the beginning, and he couldn’t hold on to it anymore. He sat down and asked, “you only found out now?”
He Jin’s mother, “what do you mean by that?”
He Jin’s father, “I've discovered long time ago that He Jin wasn’t happy, but I never said anything because I didn’t want to irritate you.”
He Jin’s mother was getting angry, “so are you blaming me now? You think that I’m happy to have this depression? Will you both be relieved if I die?”
He Jin’s father was helpless, “see, here it goes again. You always mention about going to die, you think we want to hear that? Have you taken your medicine?”
He Jin’s mother, “…”
He Jin’s father lowered his voice, “you see, our son has reminded us so many times, since he didn’t want me to see you as someone abnormal. What kind of difficulties haven’t we been through together? Do you think that I’m the kind of person who would abandon you when you’re ill? Why don’t we talk calmly for the sake of our son? Ok or not?”
He Jin’s mother compromised a bit, “what are you going to tell me?”
He Jin’s father, “we’ll talk about something that we never had the courage to face…about He Lin.”
He Jin’s mother changed her expression at once and she lowered her voice, “he’s gone. What is there to talk about?”
He Jin’s father grabbed her hand and tried to persuade her patiently, “Biqin, remember how the atmosphere at home changed after He Lin was gone? The doctor had told us that the incident had left a shadow in your heart. And since then, you’ve started controlling He Jin very strictly. And it went more and more serious each day, you wouldn’t let him out of your control even a bit.”
He Jin’s mother looked unhappy, “isn’t this good? Only a strict discipline can nurture a filial son. It’s all because I’ve been strict, He Jin is much more obedient than his brother.”
He Jin’s father glanced at He Jin’s bedroom and said, “you really think so? But haven’t you also noticed that he’s having some problems now?”
He Jin’s mother felt a bit guilty, “What problems can there be? He’s still young, he only needs to talk to us, and we’ll give him some advice.”
He Jin’s father sighed and said, “that is the problem. Back then, your temperament had tremendously changed, and I thought that time could solve it. I wasn’t paying attention to your emotional changes at all, and I had no knowledge about depression. I sort of let you become this serious.”
He Jin’s mother found it strange, “what does it have to do with He Jin?”
He Jin’s father paused for a while, then looked at her and said, “have you ever wondered if He Jin would grow up in a different environment, and if He Lin wasn’t there? Would he have the same ending as his brother’s?”
He Jin’s mother was stunned, she thought that the personalities of He Jin and He Lin were different. He Lin was more like her, he’s straightforward, emotional and he’s likely to become impulsive.
He Jin’s father sighed, “for the past year, I’ve thought a lot. I always thought that He Lin’s tragedy was only an individual case…The negative consequences that He Lin had brought to our family shouldn’t be borne by He Jin. His pressure is way too high.”
He Jin’s mother, “…”
He Jin’s father rubbed his mother’s hand and said in a low voice, “that day, I accompanied you to see the doctor. Doctor Zhang told me to pay more attention to He Jin’s mental change as well. He said that in a family with members suffering from depression, it’s easy to make the other members have the same illness.”
He Jin’s mother went silent and her shoulders couldn’t help trembling. After a long while, she said desperately, “you know what He Jin just told me on the phone? He said that he felt like a failure, and he said something like…like he doesn’t deserve happiness. Now that you’ve told me all these, I think perhaps you’re right, do you think he has similar symptoms too?”
He Jin’s father slightly frowned and replied, “that’s what worries me. He Jin never showed anything to us, and he’s very good at hiding his emotions. But all in all, he’s just a kid at his 20s, there’s going to be one day when he can’t endure it anymore. I’m not sure what we can do if he’s crushed by this pressure one day, and what if he’s diagnosed with depression too? Can we bear with one more loss of our son?”
He Jin’s mother grabbed her husband’s hand nervously, “how is it possible?”
He Jin’s father asked, “why not? You also have experienced what it feels by not wanting to live, and you know that it’s impossible to change that in a short time. Did you know how much energy I and He Jin had to spend to pull you out of that depth? Now that you’ve gotten better and when you think of those times, do you think you can comprehend yourself?”
He Jin’s mother, “but, but now I’m already better. What kind of pressure are we giving him? Blind dates? Marriage? We don’t need to be in a rush actually, He Jin is a guy, and it’s okay if he wants to get married a bit later.”
“Biqin,” Father He interrupted her suddenly, he was struggling a bit, “I want to tell you something, it’s a secret, but you have to be calm first, don’t get angry at our son, and don’t be too emotional.”
He Jin’s mother was panicking, “what…what are you hiding away from me?”
He patted her hand and said, “our son told me that if we have to tell you that thing which might irritate you, we have to let you know beforehand that we love you, and no matter what, we won’t abandon you or leave you alone.”
He Jin’s mother felt bitter in her heart, and she was slowly calmed down by what her husband said. Over these years, she was relying on this sentence to slowly get better.
Seeing her gaze slowly calming down, father He said in a serious manner, “He Jin…he might be homosexual too.”
Mother He’s mouth slightly opened and felt a turbulence in her heart. She was so shocked that she couldn’t speak, “what…what are you talking about?”
Father He sighed, and he told mother He everything, including how he looked for He Jin three years ago in Hua University, and how He Jin reacted, he finally explained, “it’s not my intention to hide it from you, but you were seriously ill at that time, if I did, there would certainly be no way for you to calm down.”