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Trauma by NF
He stared at me, making me uncomfortable. Lalo na nung tumuwid siya ng tayo at dahan-dahang naglakad papalapit sa akin. His both hands in his pockets habang nakukunot pa rin ang noo niya. I scratched the back of my head and smiled awkwardly, hoping it might lessen the tense, which is currently... obviously, happening right now.
"S-sorry. I was just checking things out. I didn't touch anything—" he raised his brow again."Fine. Isa lang—" he tilted his head. I can't help but grumbled. "Oo na. Halos lahat."
"Didn't you saw the sign at the door? Can you read? If not, it says 'Only VJs allowed.'"
What did he say? Tumaas ata ang lahat ng dugo papunta sa ulo ko. I was smiling at him, but gritting my teeth. Unang-una, hindi ko nabasa ang sign. Pangalawa, marunong akong magbasa!
I saw the side of his lip raised a little bit pero agad iyon nawala at napalitan na namang ng tingin na parang may ninakaw ako. Huminga ako ng malalim at humalukipkip.
Could he be working here? Kung oo, of course, pupunta siya dito dahil malapit na lunchtime. Students will like great music while they're eating. Narinig kong huminga siya ng malalim at nilagpasan ako. Binaba ko na lang kamay ko at ngumuso. Padabog akong naglakad hanggang sa makarating ako sa pintuan sabay lumingon sa kanya at pinanlilisikan ng mata.
"Aalis na ako."
"Tinatanong ko ba?"
His lips formed a wide grin and tilted his again. Then, he waved once with his hand. Nanlaki ang mata ko sa ginawa niya. He was like some sort of a doll in horror movies, so I instantly held the doorknob and slammed it close. The sound filled the entire room, but I didn't even care.
Who would fucking do that?!
Mabilis akong nakalabas sa Adventunes. Ni hindi ko ito tinapunan ng panghuling tingin at agad na naglakad papalayo pero napatigil din naman kaagad nang tumunog ang tiyan ko. Yeah, right. Gutom nga pala ako. Saktong may dumaan na babae kaya nagpatulong ako sa kanya at nagpaturo kung saan ang daan ng canteen. Luckily, she's on her way to the canteen too kaya sumama na lang ako.
Hindi nagtagal ay nakarating kami. I frowned when I saw a lot of students lining up. Huminga ako ng malalim.
Kung hindi lang sana ako naligaw, hindi pumunta sa Adventunes (which clearly I don't regret) at hindi nakita ang lalaking 'yon (this I regret), edi sana hindi ako naabutan ng maraming tao. Edi sana matagal na akong nakaupo ngayon sa table habang kumakain.
Tatalikod na sana ako nang makita ko si Analie na nakapila at malapit ng makabili. I urged myself not to ask her to add mine because I couldn't bear having the thought that I owe her one pero gutom na gutom na gutom na talaga ako.
I stared at her as she took another step closer. Suddenly, she accidentally looked in my way that made me looked up. Para akong tanga pero hinayaan ko lang 'yon at nanatiling nakatingin sa taas kahit puro kalangitan lang naman ang nakikita ko. My hands were at my back, and my feet are crossed.
"QUINN!"
Napapikit ako nang isigaw niya ang pangalan ko.
"QUINN!"
At talagang inulit pa niya.
I slowly lowered my head and opened my right eye to see her. And yeah, parang wala lang sa kanya at kumaway pa sa akin. I saw students looking at me with their brows furrowed. Some... are even trying to hold their laugh.
"QUI—"
Kahit malayo ay pinandilatan ko siya ng mata at buti na lang ay nakita niya ito at nakuha ang ibig kong sabihin. Good thing, all eyes diverted to the speaker when music played. I walked closer to her, trying not to mind a few stares from the students. Huminga ako ng malalim at mas binilisan pa ang paglakad papalapit kay Analie.
She was so smiling widely. I glanced at her right sleeves and saw a grey thing with the words 'SSG PRESIDENT.'
"What do you want to eat? Isasabay ko na lang 'yung sayo," she offered.
Nagdalawang isip muna ako bago ako ngumiti ng tipid at binigay sa kanya ang pera ko. Tinignan niya lang ako na para bang wala akong binigay sa kanya at tinaas ang kilay niya.
"What do you want to eat?" she asked again.
"Kahit ano."
Tinalikuran niya ako at hindi man lang kinuha ang perang nakabitin sa ere. Kinulbit ko siya at pinakita ang pera pero parang wala talaga siyang nakita kaya tinago ko na lang ito ulit sa bulsa.
"There's an unoccupied table there with a reserved sign," tinuro niya ang table na sinasabi niya. "Go seat there. Hurry!" sabi niya at tinaboy ako.
Wala akong magawa kundi ang maglakad papalit sa table at walang-imik na umupo. Tutal si Analie na ang susunod kaya hindi siya magtatagal. Napatingin naman ako sa speaker nang may nagsalita.
"Another song for the first set. This is 'Trauma' by NF. Enjoy!" I heard the VJ said then the song started playing. The voice was not from the guy I met in the control room. It was different. Wait, why do I even care?
The familiar sensation I felt every time I listen to music made my heart calmed. My hand tapped the table as I wait for Analie, who is now walking closer to me, holding a tray. Nilapag niya ang tray at nakita ko ang pagkaing binili niya. Two salad, two cheeseburgers, one fries, and two lemon juice.
Pati pagkain, mamahalin. Wow naman.
"Here," She put the food in front of me and gave the tray to a student who just passed by, asking for a favor habang nanatiling nakapokus ang tenga ko sa kantang pinapatugtog ng VJ sa Adventunes. "Thank you!" pasalamat niya ng kunin ito.
Walang imik akong kumakain habang si Analie naman ay nagsasalita. I was torn between three things: First, listening to music. Two, focusing on my food or three, focusing on her while she asked me questions, which I barely can hear.
"So, kumusta ang araw mo?"
I didn't hear it properly. Akala ko may kinukuwento lang siya kaya hindi ko siya sinagot at nanatiling nakatingin sa pagkain ko. Nagulat na lang ako nang kinulbit niya ako sabay ngiti sa akin.
"Hmm?" I asked. "Sorry, hindi ko narinig."
"Yeah. Masyado kang absorbed sa kanta," nakasimangot na sagot niya. "I said, how's your day?" she asked again with a smile on her face. I took a sip of my lemon juice before answering her question.
"Okay lang." kwento ko.
She nodded her head.
"Great!" she exclaimed. "Pasensya na talaga kung hindi kita nasamahan kanina. I stayed with the boys that we saw para magawa nila yung pinapagawa ko sa kanila. Everyone knows who and what kind of a douchebag they are, so they need to be punished."
"Sino ba sila?" I asked.
She took a bite then drink her lemon juice. Hindi nakawala sa paningin ko ang pagngiwi niya nang tinanong ko siya kung sino ang mga 'yun.
"The one who stood up was Kenji, and the other one was Alexis. They're both from the Sports Major, and they're known to be douchebags, by the way, kaya wag kang lumapit sa kanya. Lalong-lalo na kay Alexis. Alright?" she warned.
I just nodded my head and continued eating. Douchebag? May nakilala rin ako kanina at naiirita ako sa tuwing naalala ko ang ginawa niya. Pilosopo! Kung pwede lang talagang manuntok ng mukha, kanina ko pa siya sinuntok. Pero alam ko namang may kasalanan ako.
"Kilala mo ba 'yung lalaki sa Adventunes?" tanong ko.
Tumaas ang kilay ni Analie.
"Mataas? Messy hair na medyo kulot?" Tumango ako. "Ah si Youssef Kael Javier! But we call him Yael. VJ sa Adventunes. Bakit?"
Mabilis akong umiling at sumagot na walang lang. Baka ma-issue ako. Wait—Bakit ko nga ba tinatanong ang pangalan niya? Yaks, Quinn.
"Ay oo nga pala. You chose Art Major...." she was waiting for me to answer.
"Vocal," sagot ko.
Her eyes widened after hearing what I said, and she immediately drank her juice. Tumango-tango pa siya habang nakangiti.
"THAT'S GREAT! I COULD TELL YOU THINGS!"
Natapos na ang lunch, hindi pa rin ako nilulubayan ni Analie. She even offered to go with me again, this time to the ID Station. Pambawi raw niya, which I don't need. I can take care of myself, but she insisted. She started to tell me things related to the Arts Major and music. Hinayaan ko na lang siya para naman ma-orient ako sa major na pinili ko.
"So, in our schedule, from Monday to Friday, every 3-4 PM ay nagtitipon ang lahat ng Arts Major for a meeting or major practices. Like announcements, contests, chuchu at iba pa," sabi niya. "Like colleges, may subject rin na magkaklase tayo o hindi. Although magkapareho tayo ng strand, may iba kasi na subject na morning nakasched tas sayo nasa hapon. Pero don't worry, may iba naman na magkaklase tayo."
Tumango lang ako sa kanya habang paliko kami.
"Luckily, for this first semester, dalawang subject lang ang hindi tayo magkaklase."
Nang makarating na kami sa ID Station ay agad kaming pumasok sa loob. Nakita namin si Sir Leo na kumakain ng lunch sa desk niya. Analie waved her hand while I just looked at him. The DSLR was still hanging from his neck even when I already got back. Ni hindi nga siya nahihirapang kumain.
"Sir Leo! Hi!" masiglang bati ni Analie at umupo sa isang stool sa harapan ni Sir Leo habang ako nama'y nakatayo lang katabi ni Analie.
"Kukunin na po ni Quinn ang ID niya. If, of course, tapos na."
Sir Leo stood up and went inside a room. He didn't bother to close the door, and we heard a metal cabinet opened. Hindi nagtagal ay lumabas si Sir Leo bitbit ang ID ko. Tiningnan ko 'to kanina at ang pangit ko sa picture na 'yun pero sana naman may magic na ginawa si Sir.
"Let me see!"
Mabilis ko siyang inunahan sa pagkuha at inilayo ito sa kanya. Masama naman niya akong tiningnan at napaupo na lang sa stool.
"I look like shit, trust me," I said.
"Makikita ko rin 'yan mamaya sa bahay," mahinang bulong ni Analie na narinig ko naman. Inikot ko na lang ang mata ko at hindi siya pinansin. Si Sir Leo naman ay tumawa lang habang nakatingin sa amin.
"Thank you po,"
"Just doing my job, Quinn."
Nagpaalam na kami ni Sir Leo pagkatapos naming kunin ang ID ko. Mabuti na lang talaga at madali lang makuha. Makakapasok na rin ako sa wakas.
"Bakit nga ba ilalagay pa sa bulletin board?" I asked.
"You'll have auditions, you know. Just to see what you've got. But wag kang mag-alala, makukuha ka. Trust me."
I looked at her in disbelief. Auditions? What the hell? Kailangan pa ba 'yon? So kung pinili ko ang Sports Major, wag mong sabihin na kailangan ko pang ipakita kung gaano ako kagaling sa sport na pinili ko? Aren't they supposed to train me if I'm not good enough?
"You gotta be kidding me," I said.
"Nope, I'm not. The coaches will be there, and even students who aren't busy will watch it," seryosong sagot niya.
Gusto kong matawa. Hindi ako makapaniwala na may auditions pa talaga. Aba malay kong may ganito pala? Wag mong sabihin sa ibang majors din ganito? Kung Academic yung pinili ko, kailangan ko pa bang makipag-contests sa iba? Ganun din sa Sports?
Aba... ano to?! High School Musical?
"Kung pangit ang boses ko, kukunin pa rin ba nila ako?" I asked.
"Yes.." I frowned at her answer. "Look, the decisions are with the coaches. Tinitingnan lang nila minsan kung anong range ng boses mo o minsan 'yung paraan ng pagkanta, etc; May narinig na rin naman kaming mga sintunado pero nakuha pa rin sila and now, they're really good."
I closed my eyes in frustration. I know that I have a slightly good voice because even when I was still a kid, laging sinasabi ni mama at papa na ang ganda raw ng boses ko. Pero hindi ako sanay kumanta sa harap ng maraming tao.
Nang tingnan namin ang bulletin board ay agad kong hinanap ang pangalan ko. Good thing the board's organized kaya hindi na ako nahirapan pa. I saw a paper labeled with VOCAL MAJOR on the top, so I read it.
"Quinn Aidan Cruz, please proceed to the Art Lounge for the audition tomorrow at 3 PM."
I didn't even bother to read the last line and stared at the paper. The audition is real. They're really not joking. And the fact na 3 PM ito magsisimula, it only means lahat ng estudyante, either from the Vocal Major or the whole Art Major will be able to hear me, singing.
Shit lang...
"Practice tayo?"
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at iniwan siyang tumatawa.
Kinabukasan, halos hablutin ako ni Analie mula sa kama ko. I was planning not to go to school today, but Analie wouldn't let me. Sabi niya, kung hindi raw ako pupunta ngayon sa audition... ire-resched pa rin naman nila ito. Kaya wala pa rin akong kawala.
I'm trying not to make it a big deal, but ayoko ngang kumanta sa harap ng maraming tao for goodness sake. How many times do I have to tell them that?
"Can't you just tell the coach that I'm backing out?" reklamo ko habang nasa loob kami ng sasakyan.
"Ba-back out ka? Tapos ano? Dun ka sa Academic? Sige nga, how many bones does a human have?"
Umurong ang dila ko sa tanong niya. I slowly raised my brow and opened my mouth, but no words were coming out. Sabi ko na nga ba eh, ang bobo ko nga. Hindi nga talaga ako pwede sa Academic.
"206 ate Analie!" Sebastian answered.
Binigyan ako ng 'buti-pa-si-Sebastian-alam' look kaya inirapan ko naman kaagad siya. Malay ko bang 206 pala lahat ng buto natin. 500+ sana isasagot ko, andami kayang buto sa katawan natin. Buti na lang 'di ko tinuloy.
"Sports.." sambit niya. "Mahilig ka ba sa soccer? Basketball? Tennis? Ping-pong? Volleyball?" Lahat ng sinabi niya ay inilingan ko.
"Marunong kang kumanta?" she asked, and I nod. "Ano? Tuloy mo pa back-out mo?"
Wala na akong nagawa kundi umiwas na lang ng tingin at ituon ito sa labas. Narinig ko naman ini-encourage ako ni Mr. Torres pero lumabas ito sa kabilang tenga ko.
"All students, please proceed to the gym. I repeat, all students, please proceed to the gym."
I let out a sigh when I heard the announcement. It's currently 2:50 PM. Parang nawala lahat ng kaba sa dibdib ko dahil sa naging anunsyo. It only means... there will be no students watching me. And probably no audition!
Mag-isa akong pumunta sa gym. Nagpaalam kasi si Analie kanina pagkatapos niya akong samahan at nang marinig din niya ang announcement dahil kailangan daw siya ngayon. Malaki ang gym. When I got inside, black and white elevated bleachers greeted me. I clasped both of my hands because of the cold temperature.
Wow lang, aircon ang gym. Ang sosyal talaga ng eskwelahan na to. Andami na ring mga estudyante. No elementary and kindergarten students since nasa kabilang building sila. Junior High hanggang college lang ang nandito. May nakaupo na at iba nama'y naglalakad na animo'y hinahanap ang mga kaibigan nila.
I saw a huge stage at the front, and Analie was there sitting with a table in front of her. She was laughing with the others as she writes something in a notebook. Atsaka halos ata lahat ng faculty nandito.
Inikot ko ang aking paningin. Gusto ko sanang umupo na hindi gaano karami ang mga estudyante at nang maging mapayapa naman ang buhay ko. Even just for an hour.
Good thing, I found a peaceful corner. Nasa pinakamataas ito na bleacher at magkaharap pa sa stage. Sakto lang yung dami ng estudyanteng nakaupo kaya hindi na ako nag paligoy-ligoy pa at agad na umakyat para makaupo na ako.
Maya-maya lang ay nagsimula na ang announcement or whatever they call this.
"Good afternoon, students." bati ni Mr. Ampolo, the principal.
We all greeted him and the other teachers, who sat in a row watching us with their hawk eyes as if may gagawin kami ng masama. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Humalukipkip ako habang nakatingin sa stage. Paminsan-minsan ay tumitingin din ako sa mga estudyante.
"I'm just gonna announce something short, and the SSG President will take over for me," simula niya. "So first is, next week, we're going to have visitors from other schools and most of them are international. I expect clean corridors, rooms, this gym—in other words, the whole school should be clean."
Hindi maiwasang hindi magreklamo ang lahat nang marinig nila ang sinabi ni Mr. Ampolo. Even me, but I just kept my mouth shut. My face shows it all. Hindi talaga mawawala ang ganitong scenario. Simula pa noong nasa elementarya pa ako hanggang ngayon.
"Janitor for a day, not bad."