The sun filtering through the drapes was enough to waken me, though to be honest, I'd barely slept all night. Slowing pushing myself up into a sitting position, I brushed tangled hair from my face as I looked around the large room. It was plush, far fancier than the standard rooms that myself and the other supporting members of the GNR band and crew rated many floors away. This was a suite intended for presidents, movie stars, and rock gods. Looking over at the empty side of the bed next to me, my lips twisted into a small smile since the "rock god" was currently ensconced on the couch in the enjoining living room. My stomach fluttered at the thought of James sleeping just a few feet away.
Quickly, I squashed any wayward thoughts. "Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck."
Flopping back on the bed, I stared at the ceiling, my brain going over, for the thousandth time, all the things that he had revealed the previous night. "Jamie...I don't know what to think about everything you've told me," I whispered out loud to myself, "there's so much to understand and wrap my brain around. So much to rethink, so much to forgive...I dunno what the hell I'm supposed to do."
I'd said as much to him last night, and even though I could tell he was disappointed that I didn't jump right back into his arms, he was shrewd enough to understand that that was asking too much. Instead, he'd suggested we get some sleep and talk in the morning, and had insisted on me taking his bed rather than heading back to my own room. I think he was a little scared to let me out of his sight, so I let him have his way.
Rolling on my side, I stared at the empty pillow next to me. I knew I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't wishing he were there beside me. It would be so easy...
"No!" I chastised myself and scrambled back into a sitting position. "Keep your head on straight Leila, this is not the time to make things even more complicated than they already are."
"Complicated" barely came close to describing everything I was feeling at the moment. Confused, angry, confused, hurt, confused...hopeful. The last one made me pause. I wasn't ready to go there yet, I had a lot to work through with James—including coming to terms with everything that had happened—to even contemplate a possible future together. I was reckless with matters of the heart and he was my greatest weakness, but no matter his reasons, no matter his intentions, I'd suffered too much those years apart. I owed it to myself to take it slow before I let him back into my life, and certainly before I let myself go back into his bed.
I looked around me then and realized the irony of that thought. Giggles erupted from my throat and I threw my hands over my face to stifle them.
"I'd wish you a good mornin', but looks like you don't need it." James' deep voice startled me and I dropped my hands to see him standing in the doorway to the bedroom, his hands on his hips and a smile stretching his lips wide. He looked delicious in sweatpants and a t-shirt, his hair sticking out all over, I had to look down before he caught the desire in my eyes.
Keeping distance between us was going to be hard.
He came over and sat on the edge of the bed, his familiar and intoxicating presence filling my senses.
Keeping distance was going to be really fucking hard.
Swallowing down the urge to run my fingers through his wild hair, I spoke up quickly. "I hope you slept ok." Cautiously, I peeked up at him. "You didn't have to give up your bed."
"It woulda killed me last night to have ya leave. Sleepin' on the couch was a small price to pay to have you close." His lips twisted a little. "Though if I'm bein' honest, I didn't sleep much."
"Oh yeah?" I asked shyly.
He reached out and carefully brushed a curl from my cheek, his eyes looking me over tenderly. "Knowin' you were so close, and after everything that was said last night"—he sighed a little—"well, let's just say that sleepin' was the last thing on my mind."
"Jamie..." I could feel the flush spreading through my cheeks.
His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "No, no, I didn't mean that!" Now he was the one furiously blushing too. "I mean, I thought about that—of course—but I was just so happy to have you close...I didn't mean for ya to think..."
Suddenly I was laughing again, my misinterpretation and his obvious embarrassment, striking me as funny.
James started laughing too. "Damn, I'm gonna have to watch what I say ain't I?" He shook his head ruefully. "You know me, I just blurt shit out." His face turned serious then and the laughter died on my tongue as I stared at him. "But this is too important Lei...I don't wanna scare ya away."
I look down, suddenly afraid of the emotions I was sure he'd easily be able to read on my face. He was right to be cautious, I was scared. It would be so easy to fall into his arms—I wanted it desperately—but I owed myself better than that. So much had happened, so much had changed; I was terrified of making the wrong choice.
"I...I can't make you any promises right now Jamie." I looked up to meet his gaze and I could read the fear on his face. "I can't see past the next couple minutes, much less days or beyond." I let out a breath. "So much has happened, so much has changed. I've changed...you...you've changed."
He cocked his head at me. "Am I so different?"
I shrugged off-handedly. "Your...your voice is deeper," I offered lamely.
"Six years ago I was still a boy, I grew up and I'm a man now Leila," he chuckled.
"I've noticed," I shot back quickly.
Too quickly. His lips spread into a slow smile and I felt my cheeks coloring red at my slip. He let my comment pass though.
"Look, maybe we've changed some, gotten older, but I believe that we're still the same two people who fell in love; the important stuff is the same. You've always been true to yourself and you still are. When I see how many fucked up decisions I've made, how much I've veered all over the place, I look at you and suddenly I know exactly where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be. Yer still my constant Leila. So, whatever may or may not be different, the one thing that hasn't changed is that you and me are supposed to be together."
My resistance took a punch to the gut and I trembled at his words. "What—"
I was interrupted by the sound of the bedside phone ringing.
"Fuck!" James muttered irritably. "Whoever it is can fuck off."
"Just answer it," I sighed, secretly grateful for the intrusion. "If it's management, they'll just end up sending someone to the room."
He grabbed the handset and I suddenly felt bad for the person on the other end. "What?!" James didn't try and hide his annoyance.
I watched the expression on his face go from irritation, frustration, and then finally resignation over the course of the short call. To his credit, he refrained from slamming the phone down. I just eyed him curiously as he let out a breath and then gave me a wan smile. "The jet leaves in a couple hours; that was someone just givin' the heads up that I gotta get packed and be downstairs in an hour." He ran a hand through his hair. "I thought we'd have more time this mornin' to talk."
"Oh." I was equal parts relieved and disappointed. "I guess I should get goin' too. I'll need to pack and get ready for the GNR van to take me to the airport."
I went to move off the bed when Jamie stopped me as he captured one of my hands. We sat staring at each other for many long moments. I couldn't help but notice the warring emotions in his eyes; love, fear, hope. It was the hope that finally made me look away.
"Leila." I kept my eyes averted. "Leila," he tried again, his voice soft, "look at me baby." I couldn't resist the tenderness in his voice and finally I met his gaze. "I know I threw a lot at you last night." He rubbed a thumb against my palm and my entire body prickled with need. "But I'm not gonna push you for more than yer ready for. We'll go yer speed; whatever you need, whatever you want..." He swallowed hard. "Please though...can we just spend some time together? We don't hafta talk about anything you don't wanna, I...I just need to be near you again."
I was stunned by the unguarded vulnerability on his face and in his words.
"I...I want that too," I conceded quietly.
His hand tightened around mine before he slowly released it.
"I'll let you get dressed then." He nodded towards the Metallica t-shirt he'd loaned me to wear to bed. "My shirt looks good on you." His voice cracked a little like a teenager and he flushed before speaking again, his voice distinctly deeper. "You should hold onto it."
He got up quickly and left the room so that I could get changed, and I found myself smiling softly at the whole exchange.
~
I let myself into the hotel room I was sharing with Roberta, trying to be quiet in case she was still asleep.
"Leila," a groggy voice called from with the darkness of the room, "is that you?"
"Yeah, sorry for waking you," I apologized as I stood by the door, waiting for my eyes to adjust.
Suddenly a lamp went on, and both my roommate and I groaned at the brightness.
"Shit, that was a mistake," Roberta chuckled as she sat up and eyed me as I made my way over to sit on my unslept in bed. "So, which one of your ex flames is responsible for you not making it back last night?"
I was caught off-guard by her question and my cheeks flamed with color. "I don't know—"
"Don't even try that with me," she scolded playfully. "If you don't wanna tell me that's fine, but I know someone put that blush on your cheeks and that light in your eyes. And I have a pretty good idea who that someone is."
My blush deepened. "Yeah," I gave in softly, "I was with James last night." Roberta's eyebrow shot up and I was quick to explain. "But not like that. We...we just talked. A lot."
"And that was a good thing, right?"
"Yeah...I guess...I dunno." I spread my hands helplessly. "Turns out I was wrong about a lot of stuff." I stopped then, struggling to get the words out without getting overwhelmed by the emotions that went with. "He loves me Roberta." I turned haunted eyes to my friend and she got up immediately and came to put an arm around me. "He never stopped loving me. And he wants to be with me."
"Is this the same man who just announced his engagement a few weeks ago?" she asked snarkily.
"They're not anymore...getting married I mean. He called it off and he wants to try again with us."
It was quiet for a moment before Roberta spoke up cautiously. "Is that what you want hon?"
"I don't know what I want!" The words came out on a small cry and her arm tightened around me comfortingly.
"Ok," she said soothingly, "ok, let's try a different approach." She let out a breath. "Do you believe him when he says he loves you and wants to be with you...only you?"
"Yes. He wants it more than anything."
"Do you love him?"
"So much. I...I always have and always will."
"Ok, well let me ask you next. Could you be happy—truly happy—without him?"
"No."
Roberta shifted a little so that she could see my face better. "Well then, that leaves only one more question. Can you trust him not to hurt you again?"
I felt like I was hit hard in the gut, she'd nailed the core of my anxiety. "I don't know if I can." The words came out as almost a whisper, I was so afraid of saying them out loud. "I don't know if I can ever trust him again."
Roberta gathered me close as I cried out my anguish and fears.
Eventually I pulled myself together, smiling sheepishly at my friend. "I never cry over anything as much as I cry over James."
Roberta shook her head in disapproval. "No man is worth that many tears, at least not in my experience."
I smiled wanly. "It's never been easy with us...except when it was. Then it was like I was flying all the time. Absolute happiness."
"Until you crash and burn."
"Exactly." I let out a deep sigh then. "I can't go through that again, I can't let myself fly that high knowing how painful it would be if he yanked it all away. Even though he hurt me for reasons I understand now, who's to say he won't choose to put us through hell again if he thinks he has to, to protect me."
"Living in fear is no way to live hon."
"I know," I answered sadly. "I'm being stretched in two completely different directions right now. One, I say yes to James and we try again. Two, I walk away from him f...forever." My breath caught at that as I felt a stab of pain in my chest. "I want to be with him Roberta—so badly—but I can't just forget what he's done, and I can't live my life always wondering if he's going to hurt me again."
"Shit, why do men make things so damn complicated?" The other singer huffed in annoyance before catching herself. "I'm sorry Lei. I'm sorry it's a no-win situation for you."
I gave a humorless laugh then. "Yeah, you'd think I'd be used to that by now."
Roberta gave me a questioning look, but I just shook my head, not wanting to rehash a lifetime of no-win scenarios. Instead, I gave her a squeeze of gratitude and dragged myself off for a shower, change of clothes, and to pack my suitcase.
I was staring listlessly out the window when there was a knock at the door. Roberta went to answer and I whirled around in surprise at the sound of James' voice. "Can I speak to Leila?"
Before she could answer, he was looking around her and our eyes caught and held.
"Jamie, what are you doing here? I thought you were on your way to the airport."
I made my way to the door and Roberta stepped away, giving us some privacy.
"They're holdin' the plane." He sounded a little hoarse, and he cleared his throat before speaking again. "I couldn't get myself to leave."
His meaning was clear. Despite the thousand things telling me to put distance between us, I couldn't seem to help myself from being affected. "I hated the thought of being away from you too," I admitted.
The anxiety on his face tempered and he cleared his throat again. "I don't wanna be anywhere where yer not. Come with me Leila."
I wanted to say yes, but I was stubborn. "I don't think I should. They're expecting me on the GNR plane—"
"You should go." Roberta's voice came from behind me, and I whirled around to look at her in surprise. "I'll let tour management know."
"See," James cut in, "no excuses not to come with."
I shot my roommate a querulous look before turning back to Jamie. I was about to shoot down the idea again, but he looked so hopeful, and I was too tired from lack of sleep to make it into a bigger issue than it needed to be.
"Fine." I had to push down hard against smiling in response to the relieved grin that broke across his face. "Let me get my stuff."
He waited in the hall while I went back into the room to get my things.
"What was that?" I narrowed my eyes at Roberta.
She waved a hand at my show of annoyance. "Don't try and take an attitude with me Lei. You were about to play another round of indecision, I just gave you the shove you needed to figure shit out. You'll be thanking me."
"I don't know about thanking you...but I appreciate what you're tryin' to do," I conceded begrudgingly as I gathered my suitcase and other bags.
I had to give her credit for not smiling too smugly as we hugged goodbye and I went out into the hall to join James.
He stood up quickly from where he was lounging against a wall, and gallantly took my luggage from me. We were silent as we navigated downstairs, through the lobby, through a throng of fans seeking autographs from James, and then into a waiting limo.
The car was winding its way through the Boston traffic before either of us spoke. "Thanks for agreein' to come with." Jamie shifted in his seat to face me, and I could see his brow was furrowed. "I know I said I wouldn't pressure you...but fuck Leila, I'm fightin' for my life here. Yer right there, so close, but I feel like any minute I'm gonna lose ya again." His face tensed and his eyes darkened with emotion. "I...I'm scared Lei."
I wanted to tell him I was scared too. I wanted to tell him all the things that were going through my head since he'd revealed everything he'd done. But I didn't. I stayed quiet. Despite his honesty, despite knowing now that he was always the person who I had fallen in love with all those years ago...I couldn't let myself trust him. It would take time. And maybe never. But looking at him now, I couldn't break his heart by telling him all of this. He needed hope...and so did I.
"I...I'm glad you asked me to come with you Jamie." As confusing as everything was, I meant every word. "I wanna spend time with you...get to know you again."
His face relaxed and he leaned sideways against his seat. Reaching out, he stroked my cheek with the back of a finger, his eyes looking me over. "That makes me so fuckin' happy to hear you say that Lei. I didn't think..." He trailed off then and looked away. When he finally began speaking again, his voice so soft, I had to strain to hear him over the car. "I didn't think I'd ever have a moment with you like this again. You bein' here like this"—he turned his gaze back to me—"it feels like a dream." He smiled softly. "But then, maybe that's cuz I dream about you all the time."
I felt overcome with shyness and looked down at my lap. "You do?"
"Yeah. I daydream all the time, imagining what yer doin', imagining bein' there with ya. That was my favorite pastime when things were quiet; I'd picture you and me livin' our lives together." His lips twisted at that. "It was a stupid thing to do cuz it only made it that much harder on myself thinkin' like that. I'd tell myself all the time to stop...but I couldn't. I couldn't let it go." He shrugged in embarrassment. "Anyway, it didn't matter tryin' to convince myself, cuz I'd dream about you at night too when I was asleep. I'd wake up smilin' every time, even if I could barely remember what is was about. I'd just be left feelin' happy cuz I'd feel you so close." His eyes brightened then with humor. "Sometimes it'd be something crazy, you know, like how dreams can be. Like one time I dreamt I was swimmin' in the ocean and then our old piano teacher came up in a rowboat and started yellin' at me for not practicing my scales. Then you torpedoed outta the ocean and splashed water in her face, and you grabbed my hand and pulled me away so fast, it's like you were part dolphin."
I had to laugh at that. "Well considering how mean she was, your dream feels a little like vindication."
James chuckled. "Fuck yeah it does. It's funny though the stuff you hold onto after all these years. Most people always remember the bad stuff so clearly and it's the good stuff we tend to forget." His face turned solemn. "Except that's not true about you and me, I remember all the good. Everything you said, every smile, every time we touched..." He swallowed hard at that before clearing his throat. "So, did you...did you ever dream about me?"
"All the time," I blurted out without thinking.
"Oh yeah?" He grinned wide. "What were they like, what were we doin'? Did our piano teacher show up in yers too?"
"No, nothing like that." I quickly turned to look out the window, not wanting Jamie to see my face, knowing it would destroy the happy mood if he did.
He wouldn't let me though as he gently took me by the chin and made me look at him. "Tell me about yer dreams Lei." His voice was soft, as was his touch to my face.
I let out a deep sigh before answering. "It was just one dream really, almost every night when we first broke up, but then less over time. I'd hear you telling me that you loved me, and I'd feel your arms around me...and then...then you'd just fade away, and I would wake up reaching for you and calling your name. It was the same every time."
The back of the limo was quiet, and I avoided his gaze so he wouldn't see the pain that came with remembering what had become my reoccurring nightmare for the last six years.
"I...I'm sorry Leila." His voice was hoarse as he quietly apologized.
"Well, your goal was to break my heart...and you did." I turned to look at him then and he flinched at the emotion on my face. "I understand why you broke us up, but it's going to take some time for me to work through all the pain I went through and to be able to look at you and not feel all that hurt."
His shoulders slumped at that, but he nodded his head in understanding. "I know. I keep gettin' ahead of myself, keep thinkin' that we can just fall back into how things were, but I'm a fuckin' idiot. I'm sorry Lei, I'll do better."
I waved my hand at him. "I don't wantcha to keep apologizing Jamie, and I don't wantcha to act weird or different around me. I just need you to be honest at all times about what you want and how you feel. It'll be easier to navigate through this."
We stared at each other for a moment.
"For the sake of bein' honest then"—his voice was deep with emotion—"every night you were dreamin' about me holdin' ya and tellin' ya I loved you, somewhere out in the world, I was whisperin' those words out loud and imagining you in my arms." He reached for my hand then as he held my gaze fiercely. "You weren't dreamin' Lei, you were feelin' my love...it always found its way to you."
He pulled me against him then and I stayed snug in his arms all the way to the airfield, my head pressed against his chest, where the steady sound of his heart beat home in my ear.
~
The flight on the Metallica jet from Boston to Toronto was quiet, other than the constant knowing smiles from Lars and Kirk. They'd seemed genuinely surprised to see me walk onto the plane, but to their credit, they hadn't made any comments or peppered us with questions. I could feel them dying to ask where things stood with Jamie and me though.
"That makes three of us," I mumbled out loud.
"What's that?" James asked from where he was sitting next to me, gingerly playing an acoustic guitar to strengthen his injured hand.
"Nothing." I shook my head. "Just thinking."
I knew he wanted me to expand further, but he didn't push it.
"I was thinkin' too," he murmured, "about when we land in Toronto. That maybe...maybe you'd wanna—" He stopped then, abruptly, before whispering an expletive under his breath. He didn't say anything further though as he started playing again, his gaze firmly on the guitar, as if avoiding my eyes.
"What were you gonna say Jamie?"
He shook his head, still avoiding looking at me. "It was nothin', just me bein' stupid."
Wrapping a hand around the neck of the guitar, I forced him to stop playing. "Please tell me."
He sighed then and looked at me. I was stunned to see his eyes were dark with need and I sucked in a sharp breath as I felt the same need rush through me.
"I was gonna say," he spoke quietly, but his voice was thick with desire, "that I wanted you to stay with me in Toronto, stay in my suite." He cleared his throat a little. "Like back in Boston, you'd take the bed and I'd stay in another room." I was sinking into his stare. "But I dunno if I can have ya close like that every night, cuz I wanna touch you so bad Leila. I wanna feel my lips on yer lips, feel my hands on you..." He trailed off before running a hand through his hair. "I don't think I have the will-power to stay away from you."
"Oh." Was all I could say.
He was looking at me, his lips twisted with uncertainty. "You did say you wanted me to be honest," he pointed out.
I had asked for it hadn't I?
"I did, I do!" I squeaked; my throat was suddenly dry. "I...I..." I paused and took a gulp of air. "Aw shit Jamie, why'd you hafta go and put those thoughts in my head."
He put the guitar down quickly and shifted himself so that he was leaning over me as I shrank back into my seat. Cupping my cheek with his good hand, he looked me over slowly, his breath warm against my face as I stared up at him, my heart slamming painfully in my chest. His thumb caught my lower lip and he focused his gaze there, his thumb running back and forth as I panted softly. He leaned in, his mouth moving closer to mine. And then he stopped.
His eyes met mine as we stared at each other for breathless moments. "Jesus baby, I wantcha so bad." He leaned forward again and then moved up to kiss me softly on the forehead. "I know it's too soon," he murmured against my hair. "I know yer not ready."
He drew back slowly and I continued to stare at him wide eyed, my heart still racing.
"I'm not...I'm not ready," I whispered. "But it doesn't mean I'm not wanting you just as bad."
He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned low in his throat before letting me go and sinking back into his seat.
We were quiet for a moment, each of us trying to get our breathing under control. Finally, I got the nerve up to look over at him and he was watching me, his lips twisting into the smile that had he'd always reserved for just me. My heart tripped up again and my lips spread into a wide grin at the poignant feelings that washed over me.
He shook his head then as he chuckled softly. "Holy shit I'm in for a lotta cold showers in the near future."