Important author note before the chapter! Please be notified that, from now on, this book will shift from reader inserted to Loki and other canon Marvel characters I see fit in each story. Though there might still be other Loki x Reader chapters in the future, if I can think of plots where I believe reader inserted would fit best, but no promises. My apologies if you came here because you were looking for X Reader fic. It's that I enjoy writing canon characters and what I think they would do in specific situations more than I used to enjoy writing reader inserted stories.
I will not be deleting any previous chapter I've posted, so you can still read them any time you want.
From now on, I will state at the beginning of each chapter which character will be the main character alongside Loki.
Each chapter will still be one-shot.
Please also note that the relationship won't always be romantic or sexual. Some chapters might be platonic, or some might even be all-out hatred between enemies.
(However, I already have other separated book for Loki and Thor fan fiction, so I won't be posting Loki and Thor chapters here but instead will be continue posting them on that separate book. You can check it out, if you want. It's called Brotherhood and it's a Loki and Thor one-shots fic)
I hope you will still be enjoying this.
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Relationship: Loki and Bucky Barnes
(because these two had been brainwashed and tortured, I figured they could use a little talk. Who would understand them better than each other when they shared the same traumatic experience, right?)
*Trigger warning for PTSD
///
"We suffer mornings most of all,
wake up all bleary-eyed and sore,"
Bucky struggled on the table, a plastic tube was forced into his mouth, down his throat. His limbs restrained. He could see their shadows, faces hidden behind masks, hovering over him, studying him like a lab rat that he was. He shut his eyes tight when he heard the words, the code, piercing through the cold air and into his ears. No, he wouldn't break, he wouldn't break. They could never use him again, could never force him to kill again.
Hot white pain seeping down his spine, creeping through his every vein, and his eyes snapped open. He bolted upright, panting hard with forehead covered in layers of sweat. Bucky looked around frantically. He was in his own room Tony provided in the Avengers compound. He was no longer held captive in HYDRA headquarter.
He was safe, but did he truly ever escape when every time he drifted off, he was dragged back to that pit of hell, haunted in the never-ending lost dreams by his own mind.
He ran a hand past his face in hopeless attempt to chase away the image still burning bright behind his eyes. The dreams - the nightmares - only felt more real each time.
Bucky growled and reached for the clock on his nightstand table. It was four in the morning, and the sky was still dark. He didn't want to get back to sleep. He was afraid they would come back and hurt him in his sleep like they always did.
He got up and walked out of the door. He was hoping a glass of water would help, at least a little. Bucky made it to the kitchen, the place was eerily silent with everybody else still asleep. He turned on the light and grabbed a glass from the island, turned on the handle to the faucet and waited until fresh water almost hit the rim before turning it off and bringing it to his mouth, swallowing eagerly. The cold water running down his throat felt good, not that good that it magically made all-that-was-wrong melt away, but it certainly made him more... awake. Him being awake meant they couldn't hurt him. HYDRA couldn't hurt him when his eyes were open.
(Or maybe they still could; Buckle still flinched away at every shadow only to turn to look and see it was only either tree branch or some small animal, it clearly wasn't as bad as in his dream, though.)
The glass was emptied quickly after only five hungry gulps. Bucky slammed it down hard enough the impact could've shattered the glass, before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly as though trying to cool down whatever demon made its home inside.
He remembered Sam mentioning something about a group therapy. He didn't think even that could help with what troubled him.
What troubled him was blood on his hands, innocent's blood. The topic might be a little too disturbing to bring up among civilian whom only suffered from the death of someone that wasn't caused by their own hands.
Bucky turned off the light, left the kitchen and was on his way back to his room when something stopped him. A... crying? So faint he thought he imagined it at first.
Bucky listened more carefully until he caught the direction of which way it came from. He knew he should be minding his own business, that was what he'd been doing ever since Tony eventually agreed to let him stay; kept most to himself and talked to no one but Steve. The crying definitely wasn't Steve's, yet Bucky couldn't quite bring himself into walking away.
Ever since Brooklyn, Bucky was never good at walking away from those in need of help. It felt like a lifetime ago, like that Bucky who liked to help out others, and the man he was now were completely different person.
Bucky followed the voice until he came to a stop in front of a room with the door slightly cracked open. He carefully peaked his head inside, it was dark with the light off though, from the moonlight, he could make out a figure lying in bed, thrashing and clawing at his own neck as though he was choking.
Loki.
Bucky never talked to Loki. He only knew that Loki was a brother of Thor and Thor was a friend of Steve. That's how he remembered everyone who lived in the Avengers compound; by connecting them with Steve and by writing them down in his notebook so he wouldn't forget again (like when he forgot everything he'd ever known, including himself and Steve, HYDRA's work)
He considered leaving. Loki having a nightmare was none of his business.
You never turned your back on people before, said a small voice buried somewhere deep inside him, it sounded so much like his younger self, before HYDRA, before the Winter Soldier.
Bucky gulped and lingered there at the doorway. Loki's nightmare hadn't seemed to fade away, only grew stronger, judged by the way he whimpered in his sleep and continued clawing at his neck. Damnit.
Bucky pushed the door open and slowly entered the room. "Loki," he called, but Loki wouldn't wake up.
"Loki," Bucky called again, louder, as he got closer. Loki remained trapped in his dream.
Bucky stood over the bed. This close, he could see how terrified Loki was. And for a moment, Bucky almost wanted to walk away; the look on Loki's face reminded him too much of himself when HYDRA still had him. Bucky muttered something under his breath, then he placed a hand gently on Loki's shoulder, calling his name softly.
Loki opened his eyes and blindly reached for Bucky's face, trying to claw out his eyes but Bucky was faster, grabbing his wrists and holding him still.
"It's me!" Bucky said even if he wasn't sure if Loki even knew who he was, they never talked after all. Both of them kept most to themselves and barely interacted with anyone.
Loki stopped fighting when he seemed to know Bucky wasn't who Loki thought he was. He blinked and it looked like he'd just certain he was no longer trapped in the nightmare.
Bucky let go and Loki drew his arms back, purposefully averting his eyes as if in shame. (Bucky just caught him in his most vulnerable state, and they barely knew each other. Loki who hated anyone seeing his pain)
"What are you doing here?" Loki's voice was hoarse. Bucky saw him reaching for his own neck then jerked the hand down the second he made contact.
"I... I was walking by and I heard you..." screamed? Cried? Bucky doubted Loki would want to hear him say it aloud, and he could probably put the pieces together now. "Your door was open so I just... anyway, would a glass of water -"
"It was nothing," Loki cut Bucky off. He still wouldn't look at Bucky, and Bucky could take the hint. After all it was already awkward enough that Buck was here in Loki's room, standing tall over his bed while Loki lied there crossing his arms over his chest (hugging himself), looking like he was trying so hard not to curl up in a ball.
"All right," Bucky said, "well... good talk, anyway," he turned around and was walking toward the door.
The second Bucky's back was facing him, Loki looked. His face exposed from the blanket made him somewhat small. Like he didn't want Bucky to leave because he didn't want to be alone after the recurring dreams of himself struggling in Thanos' grip, legs kicking the air and nails clawing ineffectively as gauntleted hand closed in around his throat, blocking his airway, his lungs burning and exploding -
"Wait!" Loki called without thinking.
Bucky stopped. He stood still for a few seconds before turning around. He looked kind and Loki didn't know what to do or to say.
There was a moment of silence where they just... looked at each other. Loki gulped and probably blinked a few times.
"I have nightmares too, actually," Bucky was the first to break that silence.
"What?"
"Yeah, everyone thought I was dead back then. Hell, I should've been dead back then, but they got me and I was their lab rat for... thirty years, I guess. I wasn't exactly able to keep track of time but it was that never-ending loop where they wiped out my memories, fired my brain and put this... hideous monster inside me," Bucky walked back over and took a seat on the armchair next to the bed. "They made me do... things. Things I wanted no part in,"
"Me too," Loki didn't know he said it aloud until Bucky asked him, "what?"
Loki looked up. He propped himself on his elbow. Part of him wasn't sure if he did really just reveal his weakness to someone who was almost a stranger. Other part of him pointed out that he had nothing to lose, the almost stranger had already seen his weakness, and the almost stranger seemed... kind.
The most important fact being the almost stranger seemed to have shared the same experience.
"They - Thor, my family, thought I was dead, too. And I also believed I should've been dead, but he got me,"
Bucky kept silent. He listened with his expression anything but judging. So Loki kept going, "I was in the void for what sure felt like eternity. He... Thanos," Loki gulped after saying the name. He hadn't spoken the name aloud ever since Thor resurrected him. "He did those things, anything that made my memories foggy. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. I didn't know if I let go or if my brother tossed me into an abyss. My hands were tied when I... killed those innocent people," Loki didn't realise he was crying. It was just a tear; quietly rolling down his pale face as his eyes glued to nothingness behind Bucky. "It's like I was there, but I couldn't control myself. I just... watched myself do those terrible things. Thanos did this to me. In the end when I wanted to do something right for once. I - I had to stop him. He was going to kill Thor. So I confronted him with only a dagger and he -" Loki cut himself short. His hands were on his neck, just placing there, and Bucky doubted he was even aware of doing it.
"Thor told me Thanos was dead and that he couldn't hurt me anymore.... but I don't think I'll ever be free," he looked down again, as though ashamed.
"Me either," Bucky said after a moment of another wave of silence hanging in the air.
Loki didn't look at him, didn't respond.
He wasn't aware of Bucky reaching out and placing a hand, a non-metallic hand, on his shoulder until it was there.
"Let me get you a glass of water," Bucky said, and Loki finally nodded.
~~~
They acted like nothing happened the next day; Bucky avoided everyone except Steve while Loki spent most time in his room and only welcomed Thor to go in to discuss or talk about whatever.
(Mostly Thor just wanted to check in on Loki, to see he was okay and that he wasn't up to something)
Loki wasn't okay, though. Neither nor Bucky. But Loki and Bucky could pretend they were okay around Thor's and Steve's presence. And if Thor and Steve knew they weren't okay, it wasn't like Thor and Steve could do much about it. They were all a bunch of helpless souls.
There were times when Loki did leave his room. Bucky was at the dinning table, eating with Steve like in the old days, when Loki walked in to make himself a cup of warm tea. Bucky reflectively looked, just to see who it was, they made eye contact for only a brief second before Loki made his way to the kitchen island and Bucky continued his conversation with Steve.
Like nothing happened.
(Maybe because nothing did happen? They just talked and Bucky gave him a glass of water and that was all.)
~~~
That night Bucky was about to go to sleep. Just like every other night, he prayed, before his head hit the pillow, that he wouldn't have the same nightmare. His prayers had never been answered.
He lied in bed, eyes glued to the ceiling. Sleep never came easy. Not anymore.
Eventually the exhaustion began to weight him down and he was starting to drift off. The knocking on his door broke his trance and brought him back to wakefulness.
Bucky wasn't expecting a visitor.
"Come in," he said, and expecting Steve to enter the room.
He was surprised to see the door open, and Loki was standing there.
"Loki?" Bucky got into a sitting position. He was a little bit confused.
"James," if Bucky didn't know better, he would say Loki sounded... fragile.
"Yeah... come in, please," he encouraged when he noticed Loki still standing there.
Loki hesitantly walked in and closed the door behind. "I don't mean to bother you," he trailed off. "But I had this... dream... again,"
"Oh," the recurring nightmare. Bucky wasn't the only one suffering from it.
"I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm here. Just forget I came, all right? I'll go now,"
"No, don't!" Bucky called without thinking, and Loki stopped in his track. "I mean," Buck recovered himself. "You don't have to go. You're not bothering me. Come, please,"
Loki walked over. He meant to take a seat on an armchair next to the bed, but Bucky scooted over to make room. Loki hesitated, but after a moment he climbed up on the bed. His shoulder touched Bucky's and Loki went rigid. The bed wasn't that big that he could keep that much spaces, after all.
"You wanna talk about it?" Bucky asked after they had been sitting with each other in silence for about five minutes.
Loki shook his head. "It was... the same,"
"Yeah... mine too,"
"I'm sorry," Loki said.
"Me too," Bucky responded, and after a moment, "hey Loki,"
Loki looked at him sideway. Bucky seemed in thought, but then he said, "call me Bucky. Or Buck,"
"Okay... Buck,"
And they sat like that in silence. Loki was less and less tense until, slowly, he was relaxed with his shoulder still touching Bucky's.
~~~
Neither Bucky nor Loki knew when they fell asleep, but Bucky woke up the next morning to the sun filtering through the window, to Loki's head resting on his shoulder, still sleeping. Loki looked... peaceful.
Buck didn't mean to wake him up, but his little movement caused Loki to moan softly. He opened his eyes, and at first he seemed surprised to learn he wasn't in his room, then it looked like he remembered last night. Loki moved his head from Bucky's shoulder. He looked.... shy, but not uncomfortable or anything.
"Good morning," Bucky said.
"Morning," Loki's voice mirrored Bucky's; soft. He blinked and something twisted in his eyes, like he remembered something important. "I didn't have nightmare last night," Loki said more to himself than to Bucky, but the words seemed click to Buck, too. "Yeah, me either," Bucky murmured.
It was... weird. They always had their nightmares every night.
The two continued sitting there with their shoulders touching, still thinking about the fact, for the first time, the nightmares couldn't get to them.
Maybe it was nothing.
Or maybe it was the beginning of a friendship.