Illegal My Ass

By makeandoffer

34.6M 844K 478K

Mia Hastings was never one to follow the rules. Her brother knew it, her best friend knew it. Everyone knew... More

Illegal My Ass
Chapter 2- 'Your hands are exploring more than Dora.'
Chapter 3-'And why exactly did you beat down Crocodile Dundee over there?'
Chapter 4- 'You'll thank me when you wake up without herpes.'
Chapter 5- 'Dude, you actually have a mangina.'
Chapter 6- 'There is no finer art than pornography.'
Chapter 7- 'What are you talking about? I could so get laid in prison'
Chapter 8- 'You spoon raped me Hastings.'
Chapter 9-' You did NOT have sex in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.'
Chapter 10- 'And by it, I mean my metaphorical penis.'
Chapter 11- 'I'd rather shove Harry Potters wand up my ass.'
Chapter 12- 'Well done Mia, you beat the crap out of an old guy.'
Chapter 13- 'I'm not touching it Drake.'
Chapter 14- 'Oh nothing really, just making your grandchildren.'
Chapter 15- 'Be ready with the camera as soon as we hear trousers unzip.'
Chapter 16- Every man has a zombie plan.
Chapter 17- 'Isn't it my job to get you wet?'
Chapter 18- 'We drink like immortals.'
Chapter 19- 'Prisons changed you man.'
Chapter 20- 'Spooning always leads to forking.'
Chapter 21- 'All it takes is a bag of cheese balls to say I love you.'
Chapter 22- 'That was uncalled for...you pool table whore.'
Chapter 23- 'Shut up or I will never touch you again.'
Chapter 24- 'He's sat on a toilet, high & singing the Family Guy theme tune.'
Chapter 25- 'It was like we were possessed...By two really horny ghosts.'
Chapter 26- 'I don't want my family to think I prefer sausage to sea food.'
Chapter 27- 'You're right. It's not a date. It's a freaking Marriage.'
Chapter 28- 'And by elephant, I meant his massive hard on.'
Chapter 29- 'I didn't punch him in the throat. I think that went well.'
Chapter 30- 'Hold on, I forgot my sombrero.'
Chapter 31- 'Drake, did we make babies last night?'
Chapter 32- 'We full on had a Jerry Springer moment in the middle of a bar.'
Chapter 33- 'Probably commandment number one of the hoe bible.'
Chapter 34- 'You taste like sunshine...and beer.'
Chapter 35- 'My brain shut off and my penis took the wheel.'
Chapter 37- 'We were screwed. And not in the good way.'
Chapter 38- 'We were more public than a Kardashian.'
Chapter 39- ' You're rocking the walk of shame uniform.'
Chapter 40- 'You're thinking about my penis aren't you?'
Chapter 41- 'We stole a parrot & tried to teach it how to sing Bump N Grind'
Chapter 42- 'He tried and failed like the Twilight Films.'
Chapter 43- 'Stop avoiding the question you giant Dildo!'
Chapter 44- 'I'm like the Superman of the boner world.'
Chapter 45- 'Try to stall him without taking your clothes off.'
Chapter 46- 'I'm like a butcher, I enjoy showing everyone my meat.'
Chapter 47- 'Every compliment is expected to be repaid in blowjobs.'
Chapter 48- 'You need to see the size of him. He was like a Fridge.'
Chapter 49- 'Unwillingly, I decided to stop threatening the Hospital staff.'
Chapter 50- 'I was like James Bond, but with a vagina.'
Chapter 51- 'I didn't say I knew how to pick them.'
EPILOGUE

Chapter 36- 'This is the effect O'Connell penis has on a girl.'

592K 13.6K 3.7K
By makeandoffer

A/N: Heads up guys, this is mostly a filler chapter to lead up to the upcoming scene, you will (hopefully) love it. so sorry for the filler, but it will be worth it!

Thank you so much to NinaJay for the awesome banner! i love it!

---

MIA POV

I did hate lying. If I wasn’t so good at it, I probably would stop.

Unfortunately my delinquent behaviour and troublemaking in the past has caused me to pick up the skill of lying like a spy.

The amount of times I would have to tell a tiny fib either to get me and Lacey out of trouble at school for sort of setting fire to the Science room, or bend the truth slightly to the police when they came knocking on the door and asking if my brother and his friends were home, or out driving in a car that they ‘burrowed’.

Basically, practice makes perfect.

I was a good liar.

But just because I was good at it, didn’t mean I enjoyed it.

For example, I have lied to every single person I remotely care about today, most of all my best friend and my brother. I have been lying to them both since the weekend at the Cabin, keeping mine and Drake’s little encounters a secret.

I can understand why I hid it from Nate, because Nate would probably smash Drake’s face in with a toaster, but one thing I didn’t understand was why I hadn’t told Lacey.

I told that girl everything, ever since we met when we were 10 years old; we have been joined at the hip. There was not one thing we didn’t share. Even the really embarrassing stuff, like that time she accidently walked in on her mum and dad using the whipped cream in the kitchen to make their own special dessert…that still makes me shudder to this day.

I had not told her about anything that’s happened with Drake, not even the fact that we kissed. And the worst thing is she keeps pestering me and teasing me about him, which should have given me leeway to fess up.

So on top of the guilt of hooking up with my brothers best friend of over 10 years, I now have the guilt of lying to my best friend.

I fucking hate lying.

This morning was close. Trying to get Drake out of the house without anyone seeing was a mission and a half, especially since he was naked. That wasn’t distracting at all.

I had to hide the big stupid smile on my face when he came back after I shoved him out and kissed me. Didn’t really fancy explaining why I was grinning like a 12 year old boy who just felt his first boob to my friends and brother. They already think I'm a freak considering I've had to pretend the shower is broken so I haven’t even had the chance to wash the sweat and sex smell off me.

I felt classy right now.

“Will you stop playing that stupid video!” Nate says in anger while Jimmy, Sean and Luke are all crowded around Luke’s phone laughing their asses off. They had played the video of Nate drunk last night a good 16 times already.

“My favourite bit is when you think you’re on TV.” Sean chokes out, his face red from laughing.

Lacey was laughing silently, but I had notice she hasn’t watched the video yet. Luke had recorded Nate’s little confession to Lacey last night and the awkward silence around the room when that bit played for the first time was unbearable. Even the guys felt pretty bad when they saw the hurt look on Lacey’s face having to hear that again.

Now Luke conveniently fast forwards Nate’s declaration as he keep replaying it.

“Right that’s it.” Nate declares before jumping out of the sun lounger and diving towards the guys. Jimmy and Sean swiftly jump out of the way as Nate puts a laughing Luke into a headlock.

“Delete it.” Nate orders.

“Never!” Luke replies through a choked laugh, not even trying to get free from Nate’s grip.

“Delete it or I’m drowning you.” Nate threatens. Luke shakes his head, as much as he can considering he’s still in the headlock. “Fine. Hope you can hold your breath.”

Before anyone knew what was happening, Nate was dragging Luke towards the pool while Luke was in a mixture of laughter and attempting to fight back.

“Get off me you brute!” Luke squealed through laughter, and I saw both the guys laugh.

Just as Nate had managed to get Luke right by the edge, I realise we had a new addition to the group.

“Drake, save my phone!” Luke yells before escaping my brother’s hold and throwing his phone in Drake’s direction, who was stood by one of the sun loungers clearly amused by the scene he’s just walked in on.

Not surprisingly, little Mr perfect caught the phone with ease, and all you heard was a scream and a massive splash as Nate throws himself and Luke into the pool.

Everyone starts laughing at the two idiots, but I find myself tensing up as I lay my eyes on the boy who I had snuck out of my house less than 2 hours ago after some of the most amazing morning sex I think I will ever have. I mean seriously, for the last couple of hours I have actually had trouble feeling my legs. He looked hot. I don’t know if it’s because now I’ve slept with him, it makes him hotter because I know just how hot things can get with him, but fuck me did he look hot.

New record for how many times you can say 'hot' in one sentence...

He had clearly showered, dressed in a fresh pair of jeans, a striped vest top and black leather jacket making his arm muscles look good enough to bite. Or lick. Or bite then lick.

Oh Jesus, I’ve turned into a sex fiend. Apparently this is the effect a bit of O’Connell penis has on a girl.

I must have been staring for quite a bit because when I finally stopped checking him out and looked at his face, his eyes were on me and he was smirking. He lifted one brow, obviously guessing I was checking him out before he turned to Nate and Luke who had just resurfaced from the water. That smirk was still on his face, like he was enjoying some private joke.

“Someone care to explain what I’ve just walked in to?” Drake asks calmly, looking around the group for someone to start talking.

“Nate is being a little bitch because of that video.” Luke explains quickly, earning him a push from Nate sending him underwater briefly again.

“Oh, the video where you refer to me as your BFF?” Drake asks with an amused grin, and Nate flips him off.

“Give me the phone man.”  Nate says as he begins to swim to the edge of the pool.

“This phone?” he asks, holding Luke’s phone up before he starts pressing a few buttons on it.

Nate pulls himself out of the water, looking at Drake curiously as to what he was doing on Luke’s phone.

Suddenly, all you hear is a chorus of ringtones go off. Everyone looks around in confusion before we pull our phones out of our pockets.

I click on the message, and I find myself laughing as I realise what Drake has done. Pretty soon, Jimmy and Luke joined in on the laughter and even Lacey was trying to bite back a smile.

He had sent the video to every one of us.

Nate turns his eyes to Drake, glaring like he’s ready to kill him.

Drake smirks before shrugging innocently “Figured everyone should have a little piece of Nate Hastings, you know?”

Luke by this point is almost drowning because he is laughing so hard.

My brother is still glaring at Drake, who is just grinning back at him.

When we were all least expecting it, I see my brother dive towards Drake. Drake knowing him so well see’s it coming, and before we know what happening Nate is chasing a laughing Drake around the pool whilst screaming something along the lines of ‘you donkey fucker’ and ‘you’re going to think prison was Disneyland after what I’m going to do.’

I shook my head in amusement, finding it hard to believe these two were 18 years old.

This was my brother and the boy I was currently having sex with. Chasing each other around a pool like little kids whilst screaming about animal sex and prison rapes.

Disney certainly didn’t prepare you for this when you were younger.

--

“You guys go in, we’ll meet you inside.” Lacey says to Sean, Luke and Jimmy.

I look at her in confusion as the guy’s just nod and go into the bar.

It was Saturday night and we had decided we would hang out at the bar as Nate and Drake had a shift tonight so we would just meet then when they finished and proceed to have a usual messy Saturday. Drake and Nate were already at work.

I stayed outside the bar and looked at Lacey curiously as to why she wanted to hang behind.

She looked at me with a smile “Are we okay?”

I was taken aback by the random question “Of course we are, why are you asking that?”

She stayed silent for a minute; I could see she was thinking about something.

“Lace, what the hell has gotten into you?”

She took a deep breath before she answered “Its just- I feel like we barely talk anymore.”

The pang of guilt came to me straight away, I knew what she meant. For a few weeks now we would see each other sure, but it felt like it was never just us two anymore. And plus the fact I was lying to her like the bitch that I am didn’t help. I did the only thing I could think of doing.

I gave her a smile, walked up to her and put an arm around her “Lacey, you are my best friend. Even if we don’t speak for a month I know that won’t change.”

She looked back at me for a while before smiling and nodding “Okay, I just wanted to clear that up.”

“Did you think I was cheating on you with another woman?” I ask seriously, and I see her lip twitch.

“It did cross my mind. I know what a slut you are.” She replies with a tone as serious as mine, earning her a push from me as she let out a laugh.

“Now we are done with this lifetime moment, let’s go get drunk.” I order her, and she nods her head in agreement.

“Totally. I feel like I haven’t been drunk in weeks.” She tells me with a sigh.

“It’s been 3 days.” I reply without a hesitation, and she shrugs dismissively.

We see the guys all hanging around by the bar talking to Nate and Drake who were behind it. We walk over to them, and I try to avoid Drake’s eyes as they snap in my direction when he spots us walking over.

“Did you two just make out?” Sean asks hopefully as Lacey and I walk over. I lean up against the bar and smirk up at Sean.

“I slipped her a cheeky finger.” I replied, and I see his eyes widen in excitement.

“I loved it.” Lacey inputs, leaning over and picking up one of the drinks the guys have already ordered, taking a sip. Sean by this point looks like he's one more comment away from having enough in the wank bank for a little ‘me time’ in the toilets.

Jimmy laughs before he slaps Sean around the head, snapping him out of it.

“The only girl on girl you will ever see will be provided online with credit card details.” Jimmy tells him, and I laugh at the comment.

“What time do you two get off?” Luke asks Nate and Drake.

"With each other?" Sean inputs with a grin.

“I'll be finishing in 10 minutes.” Drake answers, before turning to Sean "I did not however say that to your mother last night."

Sean laughs, giving him a 'touche' for the quick comeback.

“Lucky bastard, I’m not allowed to leave until I do some bullshit job the boss asked me to do.” Nate explains bitterly.

Drake slaps his back with a smirk “Good to know you take on any task given to you with enthusiasm and a smile.”

I find myself smiling at the stupid comment.

“Well we’re going to go and sit down, come over when you’re done man.” Jimmy yells him before he picks one of the trays of drinks and begins to walk to the corner of the bar.

“Nah, Jim sit on that table.” Drake calls out, stopping Jimmy in his tracks. Drake’s eyes snap to me for the briefest second, before they return to Jimmy with a grin “That table is so much better.”

I find my teeth gritting together as I know exactly what he’s trying to do. He was pointing at the table that he defiled me on last night.

“I don’t really like that table, just get one of the booths in the corner.” I find myself piping up.

Drake shakes his head, his eyes glistening in amusement “Nah, that table just feels right. You know when something just feels right?”

“Nope I don’t, it’s a table.” I snap back at him with a glare.

“Yeah but the table needs to have a good vibe. That table feels like it has a good vibe, like it has a story-“

“Fine we’ll sit on your stupid fucking table!” I growl at him, grabbing my drink off the bar and walking over to the damn table.

Which I seriously hope they’ve wiped down…

I can feel the eyes of all of our friends on us curiously at possibly the most pointless argument me and Drake have ever had. And believe me, we’ve had a lot. They all just shrug it off, thinking we were just doing the usual Drake and Mia thing of being at each other’s throats.

Technically we are, but the reason we were at each other’s throats was the result of being in each other’s pants.

“I don’t feel a vibe off this table…” I hear Sean whisper to Jimmy, who just shrugs and gives him the ‘fuck if I know what they’re talking about’ look.

“Right, you two-“ Lacey starts, sitting next to me and pointing at Sean and Luke “-spill the beans on the blow up dolls you took home last night.”

I see both the boys smirk, before Luke replies “Lacey you are a 16 year old girl, I do not want to taint your innocent mind.”

She stares at him with a deadpan expression “I’ve probably had more sex than you have.”

Jimmy spits the drink out of his mouth before he starts to laugh.

I find myself chuckling at the comment, realising she was wrong there was no doubt about it, Luke has slept with more females than I have seen probably, but Lacey was no nun I could tell you that.

Luke smirks at her before he shrugs “If you insist on knowing-“he starts, giving in far too easily. Clearly he was proud of his conquest. He was a boy, I'm surprised he hasn’t posted a status on Facebook naming and shaming. It wouldn’t be the first time “-the girl was an animal. Seriously there was one point after the first couple of hours where I thought I’d put my back out.”

Everyone around the table lets out a laugh, apart from Sean who looks at him with jealousy “Lucky you, mine was a freaking log. Seriously I debated on just kicking her out after a while because I felt like a necrophiliac. I would have gotten more of a reaction from a corpse actually.”

I burst out laughing “Did you kick her out?”

Sean looks at me with a guilty smile “No, I got off of her and made her give me a little nosh. It felt less rapey that way.”

I made a disgusted face through my laughter “You are unbelievable.”

“If your brother wouldn’t be such a prison guard, I could prove that to you first hand.” Sean smirks at me, earning him a punch from Jimmy.

I let out a laugh, not affected by his comment. I was used to Nate’s friends making passes at me, but I knew they were all joking because they knew Nate would castrate them.

Well, one of them was joking up until very recently on this very table.

“Mia?” A voice suddenly interrupts my thoughts.

Everyone on the table looks up at the guy stood over the table, Lacey letting out a groan as she sees Garry stood there looking at me, while Jimmy and Luke greet him like they have been best friends for years. I guess they truly did think of Garry as a hero since he volunteered his car to mule the alcohol up to the cabin that time.

“What are you doing here?” I find myself asking him, a little shocked to see him. I’ve seen him since the weekend we officially ended it, but we’ve always avoided speaking at school.

“You’re not the only one with an impressive fake ID.” He grins at me, before pointing at two guys by the bar I recognised from school “Just with a few friends having a drink, seen you here and figured I’d say hi. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, since you broke up with her in a toilet.” Lacey mutters under her breath, but unfortunately the girl is anything but subtle because everyone on the table heard.

Sean, Jimmy and Luke were looking between me and Garry waiting for something to kick off. They looked like they were watching the end of some really good action movie where they are just about to have the big fight scene. Boys are worse than girls when it comes to enjoying a good argument.

“Buy me a drink.” I gesture my head towards the bar, hinting to Garry that it was probably best if we talked without an audience.

He nodded his head and I got to my feet, walking with him to the bar, trying to ignore Lacey’s loud remark of ‘fucking tool’ as I did. I knew Garry heard her, the guys snorting laughs didn’t really help the ignoring her part.

We reached the bar and Nate walked over, his eyes questioning as he sees who I'm stood with.

“What are you doing with this fucking tool?” He asks me, pointing his finger directly at Garry's face.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Lacey and my brother really were meant for each other…

--

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