2 years ago
"This isn't you," Eva tells me with a sad glint in her eyes. I can't keep eye contact with her for longer than a few moments.
"If it's not me, then who am I? I feel like there's no 'me' anymore," I reply truthfully while taking off my boots and removing my coat.
"I know you, Sasha, you're strong and you're smart. You have so much potential and it's killing me to see you waste your life away," she raises her voice.
"You will lose friends, boyfriends, family members, fuck it, the love of your whole bloody life, but you will be alright as long as you don't lose yourself," she continues her tirade.
"I think it's a little too late for that, isn't it?" I chuckle humourlessly.
We're sitting at the balcony, breathing the cool air and filling our lungs with smoke.
"I miss when I was like twelve," I begin, "and it would be the night before some important event, like a big field trip or something, and I couldn't go to sleep because I was so excited," I give Eva a tiny smile, "I could barely contain my happiness, I looked into the next day with big hopeful eyes. But now everything seems so bland. I don't know, I'm only twenty and everything is so fucking tiring, I miss wanting to be awake," I finally finish my flow of thoughts.
"What do see yourself doing five or ten years from now?" she asks me after a while, "Getting drunk, getting high and sleeping with random men?" she asks accusingly.
I think about it for some time, and I have no answers. "I don't see myself in five years, Eva. I simply don't."
"How do you forgive yourself for all the things you never became?" she asks me gloomily, "I remember when you wanted to become a translator and travel the whole world, you would dream of helping people communicate with each other because you were convinced that the world is so fucked up because people don't understand each other."
Tears are prickling my eyes when she continues, "Where did it all go, Sasha? How can one person be filled with so much life and then suddenly become so empty?"
I look away and try to joke it out, because I'm afraid to take anything seriously. Because if I take things seriously, they become real and they matter.