This felt good. This felt really nice.
Almost Normal. Yes, that's the correct word.
I finally felt normal again as I pushed the small shopping cart down the aisle letting Noelle and Timmy fill it up with every snack they laid eyes on.
Things with Timothée have been amazing. We've yet to kiss again but he's finally open with me, he finally tells me his true feelings.
I appreciate him for that.
As for things with me and Noelle.. it's been amazing. I finally feel like I can call her my friend, my best friend, without doubting it in my mind. I told her about my dad, about my life. I told her every secret and every truth to the lies I fed her all these years.
It felt good to let it all out. To tell her everything that was weighing me down. I know it was the right decision.
She doesn't pity me.
However, the only thing in my life that felt out of place at the moment was Sam. He hasn't shown up to school, doesn't answer my calls or Noelle's worried texts. He has completely vanished from the face of the earth and so has Halie. But I don't know whether I should be worried about him or not.
It surprises me that he has the audacity to leave now. At a time like this. Whilst Alex is still in a coma and things with Noelle and him are still awkward.
Plus, he hasn't fixed shit with me yet. And I don't really want to fix shit with him considering how annoying he has been for the past month. But nonetheless, I still believe that in order for me to truly feel content with my life I need to solve my issues with him.
And Drew.
Fuck.
Drew is the person I've been dreading talking to the most. Because I know I hurt him. I know facing him will be painful and I know he said he wanted time to heal, but how much time should one give?
I don't know. But I need to find out.
'I'm going to go to the electronics section, hit me up when your done?' Timmy says after placing a large bag of Cheetos in the cart. I nod watching him walk away and I continue walking down the junk food isle and grabbing everything in sight.
We're having a movie night at Noelle's place tonight. Her parents are still fighting regularly but she says if we sit in her theatre room and blast the speakers at maximum volume, the movies might drown out the sound of her parents arguing.
I didn't want to let her down so I agreed and when she invited Timmy I made him agree too. And now we're stacking up on snacks to eat. 'Our mission is to gain a few pounds tonight. Sound good?' Noelle says passing me some chocolate bars.
I nod a little bit too enthusiastically as I place the chocolates on the kart. 'Sounds perfect.' Noelle chuckles at my reply and as we make it to the end of the aisle, our kart more than halfway filled, I realize I need to get myself some medicine for a gash I got at soccer practice yesterday.
'I'll be right back.' I say handing the cart over to Noelle who gladly takes it and as I make my way over to the aisle I pass by Timmy who's looking at a new headset to buy for his video game set up. He sends a funny flying kiss my way and I pretend to faint, placing the back of my hand on my head and falling over.
I make him laugh, which was my intention all along and once I know I've accomplished it I continue on my journey to the medicine section.
Once I reach the short aisle I find myself frozen in place. Goosebumps start to rise all over my body and I've found it hard to breathe all of a sudden. I walk back in the opposite direction and I don't realize I'm panicking and hyperventilating until Timothée walks up to me and places both of his hands on my shoulders. 'Are you okay?' He asks searching my face for answers.
He squeezes my arms gently. 'You dont' look good what happened?' I can't breathe, I can't think all I know is that I'm probably extremely pale right now and I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like I might pass out.
My stomach flips and I might throw up any moment now, it feels like the walls are closing in on me and my feet start moving without me controlling them or telling them where to go. So I just let them guide me. Anywhere is better than here.
'El!' I'm outside. I can finally smell the fresh air. I feel calmer more collected. I can finally inhale and exhale without struggling and I don't realize how serious the situation is until I see Noelle and Timmy standing over me.
'Ella, can you hear me?' Timothée asks brushing my hair out of my face and cupping my cheeks.
I nod slowly but then I start to panic again because I don't know how I even ended up sitting on the dirty dirt filled ground, with my back against the cold wall and with wet tears staining my cheeks.
Just moments ago I had left the convenience store trying to catch my breath but somehow I ended up near the parking lot on the ground, with tears in my eyes. Noelle and Timothée look confused. 'I'm sorry- I must have freaked out when I-'
'Ella you scared us.' Noelle says cutting me off, her voice filled with worry and concern for me. It felt new. To hear her worrying about me was new, but it was also nice and it made my heart feel warm and my breathing started to get better. 'We didn't know what to do. You- you wouldn't stop crying and.. what happened?' She asks desperately, kneeling down so she was next to Timothée who was still holding my face in his hands and trying to read me and my scared expression.
'I'm sorry I scared you guys. I just.. I saw my father in there.' Timothée's hands lower from my face and Noelle raises her eyebrows in shock.
'Are you sure?' Timothée asks.
I nod. 'I'm sure.' I say. 'I can recognize the back of his head. I know every crease in his face, every wrinkle, Timmy trust me.. I saw his face and then I- I just lost it. I lost all control.' I recall seeing him now. It's coming back to me. Seeing the side of his face as he picked up a bottle of pills and examined it carefully with grace and ease and with a gentleness that he never had with me.
He almost looked peaceful as he stood there, in the middle of that aisle with a concentrated look on his face. But I know him well enough to know that there was nothing peaceful about that man. He was horrible. And just catching a glimpse of him for that one short moment made me want to run and hide forever.
He can't find me. He can't see me. I'd never be able to escape if he'd caught sight of me. I need to hide.
'El, does that normally happen to you?' Timothée asks and he's sitting down beside me now, his back against the wall and his hand reaching for mine and squeezing his gently.
I shake my head. 'No. It's the fist time I freak out like this.' I admit truthfully. I hated being weak, or vulnerable. And as much as I feared my father I always held it in. I always controlled my emotions and my fear of him.
But today I couldn't do that. I was so scared and terrified that I might as well have screamed in the middle of that convenience store. 'I think I've been so comfortable lately that I forgot what it felt like to be terrorized by him.' I say and at this point I feel steady again.
Timothée's hand in mine was steadying me, and Noelle's head on my shoulder steadied me too. The two of them sat on either side of me and didn't say a single word.
They understood. They knew how scared I was, how much that man abused me growing up. So they simply sat there with me as I got myself together. Timothée brushes his thumb over my knuckles and Noelle brushed my hair with her fingers to comfort me.
I can't thank them enough for it, for all the little things.
After a while I can't help but force a smile, for their sakes. 'So.. is the deal still on?' I ask and Noelle slowly lifts her head off my shoulder and looks at me with confusion in her eyes.
I look from her to Timothée. 'We're still having a movie marathon and getting fat tonight right?' I ask and Noelle snickers nodding.
Timothée smiles. 'Of course.' He says running a hand through my hair. 'Anything for you.'
***
Movie night went just according to plan.
Noelle brought out the entire Harry Potter series and we played the movies in order one by one until we reached Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban and Timothée started to doze off.
It was midnight and no matter how loud Noelle turned up the movie's volume, me and Timmy could still hear her parents arguing in the living room above us. We just chose not to acknowledge the fact that it was occurring right above our heads.
Towards the end of the movie Noelle notices me drifting in and out of sleep and catches sight of Timothée passed out on his chair. She sends me a weak smile and I do my best to return it even in my drowsy state.
Before I can even blink Noelle has turned the projector off and the lights are back on. The light blinds me and the sudden change in atmosphere wakes Timothée up instantly. 'Wakey wakey.' Noelle says eyeing the two of us.
We've been seated in her family's theatre room for the past six hours watching movies but as I take a good look at Noelle right now I notice she doesn't look even the slightest bit tired. She has dark circles underneath her eyes and a hint of exhaustion is seen in the way she carries herself but other than that she is wide awake and isn't planning on sleeping anytime soon. Then it hits me just how difficult things must be for her.
Her parents arguing 24/7, fighting all the time with her in the house and her inability to get any shut eye as they rage loudly and she's forced to listen to them from her bedroom upstairs. It's honestly upsetting.
She must be used to going to bed late at night.
'I'm sorry we couldn't make it through the whole movie marathon with you. I was up late last night doing some paperwork with Aaron.' I say trying to justify why I ruined this night for her. As for Timothée.. well I don't know what his excuse is for passing out. The lack of noise makes the sound of her parents yelling less muffled and more clear.
I can finally make out what they are saying as the three of us sit there in silence. Noelle beside the projector with a frown on her face, Timmy in his chair barely awake and me trying to stay alert as best as I can. We all stare at the ground in silence. 'We need the money.' I hear her mother yell. 'No. You need the money.. I'm perfectly happy where I'm at.' Noelle's father replies.
They continue arguing but after hearing them for what feels like a very long two minutes I decide to end Noelle's suffering for the night. 'Come on.' I say reaching out for her hand. She walks over to me and places her hand in mine. 'Come to my apartment, sleep there with me. My bed is small but at least you won't have to-'
'No.' She cuts me off letting go of my hand and letting it drop to my side. 'No El you don't have to do this for me.' She says and I can tell how hard it is for her, to accept this.
All her life Noelle has been given things without having to work for them. She was born into a family with so much wealth and power and her happiness was bought with their bags of money. But not being able to get the love and affection she deserves from her parents lately has made her feel helpless. And it must be hard for her to accept my offer to help. To let her escape for one night.
'Please. Noelle I want you to come.' I say pleading with her, and I mean it. After the close encounter I had with my father today at the convenience store I've been on edge. Throughout the movie my mind would wander back to that horrid house and I'd be reminded of how badly he treated me when I was under my roof.
I just want things to go back to normal for Noelle. I want the fighting with her parents to die down and I want things to go back to the way they were for her with her parents. Because I wouldn't wish any of this pain on anyone. Noelle shouldn't ever feel like she has to escape.
This place should feel like home.
But I don't blame her for wanting to leave right now. 'I know you're just doing this because you pity me.' Noelle admits sitting down defeatedly on one of the chairs. Timmy looks at me with worry for her and I admire his concern for her.
I turn back to face Noelle. 'I'm doing this because I love you.' I say sitting beside her and placing my hand over hers once again. 'You're my best friend and we need to make up for all the time we lost when we were in that stupid fight.' I say. 'So come on. Don't even pack anything I'll lend you some pajamas if you want.'
She stays silent for a moment, her eyes focused on her bare feet. Then she looks up at me and nods slowly. 'Alright. I'll just grab my shoes.' And with that she's off, walking towards the stairs where she will most probably face her angry parents on her way to her room.
I look at Timothée who no longer feels sleepy. 'I'm worried about her.' I admit standing up and walking over to him. I take a seat on his lap and almost naturally he curls me into him and his chin rests peacefully on my shoulder. My back rests comfortably on his chest and I love the way his arms feel when he wraps them tightly around my waist.
'I know.' he murmurs into my ear before placing a kiss on my bare shoulder. 'I know, but the best thing you can do for her right now is be there.' He says placing another warm kiss on my shoulder, but this time he's getting a little bit too close to my neck. I feel chills going down my spine.
He hasn't kissed me since that day in his car when he confessed his love for me and my body still craves his touch. He's managed to tease me over the course of a whole entire week, playing with my hair, running his hands over my lips and tracing the points where my lips curve. He even loves kissing my forehead when he says goodbye to me or leaving lingering kisses on my shoulders and arms.
But I crave his lips so badly and I don't stop myself from turning over in his lap and kissing him passionately myself. He's driven me way too insane and I know his intentions were to do so because my desire to kiss him has grown ten times stronger now.
As our lips meet the electricity in our body go off and I'm alive, I'm awake, I'm aware. Aware of him, of his sweet taste and his musky scent and his soft curls that I can't help but bury my hands into. I pull away and when I open my eyes I notice his lips curling upwards into a smile. He looks at me before closing his eyes and pecking my lips one last time then he pulls away. 'God I really don't want to mess things up with you Ella.' He says as he's tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
I grin. 'You won't.'