I've been safe for weeks.
My brother drives me to school every morning, works till it's dark out and then he gets back home and cooks me a meal before we both go to bed.
It's been peaceful.
I haven't had to endure the sound of my fathers angry yelling, or feel his hands clash with my face at full force, or watch him stare at me with so much hatred in his eyes.
I'm safe now. But why don't I feel like it?
He still haunts my dreams, I still feel his presence with me no matter where I go. I fear the day he finds me and punishes me for leaving him all alone in that lonely, dark house.
I know it is what he deserves. But somehow I still feel guilty.
I get back from soccer practice, feeling tired and restless and my body aches. My coach made me stand up every once in a while and give the other girls advice because Halie was absent today.
He wanted me to be a part of practice and as much as I appreciated it, my body couldn't handle standing or walking, or anything really. But I'm supposed to be getting my cast off next week and I can't wait for that day to come.
I make it to the door of my apartment and usually I have to unlock it because Aaron is still at work but today I find the door is left unlocked. I furrow my eyebrows and back away out of fear. Aaron must have forgotten to lock it when we were leaving. So I slowly enter hoping nobody came in and stole anything and to my surprise when I expect to see a burglar in a black hoodie, and a mask, instead I find Aaron seated on the dining table with his face buried in his hands.
My heart drops when he looks up at me, his eyes tired and his mouth forming a frown. I'm afraid of what he's about to tell me. I can easily tell he has some bad news for me to hear. 'Why are you home already, it's still early.' I try to speak calmly, but that is hard to do when I am anticipating really bad news. I hope he doesn't tell me something I'm not going to like. I hope it has nothing to do with our dad. I hope we can still stay in this apartment far away from our fathers reach.
But hoping does nothing for nobody.
'I quit my job today.' He croaks, his voice is low and quiet but I still manage to hear him clearly. I drop onto the couch, it seems my crutches couldn't hold me up for much longer.
My heart races in my chest. 'What?' I ask even though I know what he said, and I know exactly what this means. 'Why would you- but you said you loved it there.' I ask confused.
Aaron groans. 'I lied.' He admits. 'I didn't want to disappoint you because you were so happy for me, so I told you what you wanted to hear.'
This is it. This is the bad thing I was anticipating all this time. I knew something was going to break this pattern of peace and happiness. This is why I haven't been able to sleep much, or eat well or think clearly. It's because I was anticipating something bad like this was going to happen soon. And like always my gut feeling was right.
Things are about to get real. It won't stay this easy for much longer.
'I hated working behind that desk Ella.' Aaron starts. 'I know it pays good money but I was miserable sitting there for hours and hours not doing shit. So I lost my temper today and my boss told me to either calm down or leave.' He takes a deep breath. 'So, I left.'
I look away from him. A part of me wants to scream at him for doing that. To tell him how fucked we are right now. Without his job we won't be able to pay rent and by the end of the month we will probably have to leave. But the other part of me understands where he's coming from.
I remind myself that Aaron's just a kid. He has dreams and hopes just like mine and he has a life he wants to live. But he gave all of that up to give me a better life. He could have stayed in California with a good job and good money and good friends.
But he came back for me and now it's my turn to repay him.
'It's going to be okay.' I say and Aaron looks at me like I am delusional for saying that. 'I'll pay for next months rent and then we'll figure out what to do afterwards.'
He shakes his head sadly. 'No. You can't do that.'
I am not the best at showing affection but I try to as much as I can. When my mom was alive I gave out free hugs all the time and my smile used to brighten up everyones day. But when she died the light that was in my life left me completely. So I try to put myself in Timothée's shoes. He always knows what to say and what to do and when to reach out and touch someone who needs to feel comforted. So I don't hesitate to reach out for Aaron's hand, squeezing it gently in my own. 'Yes I can and I will. I can afford it, you know I can Aaron.'
'But Ella that's your college money. I can't let you waste it.' Aaron sounds defeated, like he has disappointed me somehow. But I'm not disappointed in him. How could I be disappointed in him when he did so much to get me away from my abusive father. He saved my life and now he should give me a chance to save his.
'It's not going to be a waste. You sacrificed so much for me, let me do the same.' I am not pleading. My voice has a finality to it and I search his eyes to see if he understands me. Aaron nods sternly and he somehow he manages to form a tiny grin.
'You don't have to do this.' He says.
'I want to.'
He reaches for my head and his hand caresses my hair softly. I smile as memories from the past flood back into my mind of when we were kids and he used to mess up my brown waves and I'd go complaining to my mother about how annoying it is when he did that.
But it's not annoying anymore.
***
It's in the eyes. Always in the eyes, that I see a person for who they truly are. And Timmy's eyes speak volumes to me as he crosses the room in long strides trying to reach me and pull me in for a hug.
'You made it.' He says into my ear sounding ecstatic and I can feel his warm breath on my neck as he hugs me close. Seeing his face was refreshing to me after the news Aaron had just told me today. I needed his kindness and goodness the most right now.
I didn't lie to Aaron earlier. I really am planning on paying for next months rent, and even the month after that if Aaron still hasn't found himself a job that he enjoys. I don't want him to be sitting miserably behind a desk with a job that he hates. He deserves to be happy, and that's all I want for him.
Happiness.
But knowing my shot at going to college and following my dreams is hanging off a tight thread makes me feel uneasy. I want to go to NYU, I want to delve deeply into my passion for writing and I want to discover myself more.
I'm hoping a scholarship can help make that dream come true but I can't rely on that happening yet. I need money. And I'll barely have enough if I pay rent every month.
But it's worth it. My brothers worth it. Being far from my father is worth every penny.
'Of course I made it I love parties.' I tell Timothée as we pull away and I hold onto my crutches tightly feeling myself lose balance.
Timmy notices and asks if I need help. I politely say no. 'When are you getting that thing off. It's been way too long.'
I nod agreeing with him. It really has been way too long. 'Hopefully next week.' Then we talk, and Timmy dives into deep topics. We stand in a corner and someone hands me a drink and I'm taking sips of it as he speaks.
I like listening to him speak. I like watching the way his eyes glow with pure joy as he talks about the things that he loves the most. I notice that when he talks about his parents his smile grows wider. It's wholesome, and I can't help but admire the affection he has for them.
I'm grabbing another drink and Timothée raises his eyebrows at me. I gasp. 'What? It's a party, did you really expect me to stay sober.' I take a large gulp and I feel the alcohol go down my throat like fire. 'If I can't dance tonight then you best believe I'm going to get drunk.'
Timothée laughs. 'I'm not judging you.' He says grinning. 'I just think you should slow down a little because you can barely stand on these crutches without the alcohol in your system.' We both laugh at how unsteady I am.
For a moment we turn our heads towards the center of the room. Everyone's dancing, sweating and swaying their bodies to the music. I'd usually be in that crowd with them, pretending to be one of them.
When I'm in there, mixed in with so many people I'm not Ella Myers. My father isn't a monster. My mother isn't dead. My brother isn't throwing away his life to make mine better. My life isn't a fucked up mess.
I'm just a carefree girl with no fucking worries and no stress on my mind.
It feels good. But given the circumstances that prevent me from dancing I'm going to have to rely on alcohol to make me feel like that carefree girl tonight. Because I don't want to feel like Ella Myers anymore.
I'm tired of living her shitty life.
I'm downing my fourth cup when two people approach me and Timothée. I notice Halie first, her signature blonde ponytail is hard to miss, she's sending me a glare and seeing her hand entwined in Sam's makes me want to roll my eyes to the very back of my head.
It's almost like she's dating my best friend to make me jealous somehow. She probably things I'm pulling a Noelle and I'm secretly in love with him.
'Ella, I didn't know you were going to be here.' Sam says sending me his signature smile, however his smile comes with a weary look this time because he spotted me with Timothée Chalamet again for the millionth time this week and he's probably dying to ask me more questions about him.
'Yeah, Timmy invited me last minute.' I say and the fact that I start to sway after I say that is indication enough to me that I'm quite drunk already. I look from Sam to Halie and I notice how bored Halie looks. I want them to walk away before I start blurting things out that I don't want them to hear.
I tend to do that when I'm drunk.
Sam nods sternly at me and sends Timothée a look that I can't decipher. 'Okay. I'll be around here El, if you need a ride home or something just let me know.' I don't thank him or smile. I just wait for him to walk away with that blonde bitch following behind him and once their gone I turn to Timothée and see him biting back a smile.
I shove him slightly. 'What?' I ask and I find myself laughing when he cracks a smile.
'Nothing. It's just.. so obvious how much you hate Halie Miller.' I'm reaching for another cup but this time Timothée snatches it away from me. I don't argue or try to take it back, I just laugh.
'Well can you blame me?' I ask referring back to Halie again.
'Honestly no. We have a male version of Halie on our team too, and I cannot stand that guy.' Timothée says and I can hear the annoyance in his voice as he's probably recalling soccer matches with that boy.
'Is he a sore loser too?' I ask.
Timothée nods his head continuously 'Yup.'
We leave our place in the corner and star walking around the house. One of the rooms has a karaoke machine and drunk me immediately participates and I start singing my heart out to Justin Bieber's baby.
I know I'll regret this in the morning but I still sing it anyways, like my life depends on it.
Timothée is my audience.
He watches me with so much amusement and joy and he holds back his laughter when I fail to hit the high notes correctly but I know he isn't judging me.
I look like a dork, and I probably sound like a dying cat as I sing and slur every word but I know he couldn't care less about it those things and once the song ends and I struggle to make my way towards him I bump into a girl who spills her smoothie all over my white shirt.
'Shit.' She mutters my eyes open wide. 'I'm so sorry she says reaching out to wipe the mess she made but then pulling back and realizing that isn't possible because the damage is already done.
I look down at my shirt and start to laugh hysterically. I don't know what's so hilarious or why I'm laughing so hard that my stomach aches but I still continue laugh and the girl stands there trying her best to laugh with me. 'It-it's fine don't worry about it.' I tell her and after a lot of apologizing the girl finally walks away. Timothée walks over to me.
I finally stop laughing. 'Wasn't that so funny?' I ask him and he nods.
'Yeah. Hilarious.' He says and he doesn't sound like he means it. 'Come on let's get you cleaned up.' He says holding my waist and leading me towards the bathrooms but I shake my head.
'No.' I protest. 'I want to stay here and keep partying, this is fun.' I say and I start bobbing my head to the music. But Timothée ignores my comment and continues pushing me towards the bathroom. 'Don't you want to dance with me?' I ask and I'm not registering the words that come out of my mouth.
'Stop being a party pooper Timmy and dance with me.' He ignores my comment and chuckles slightly to himself. 'I want to dance and I don't think I need these anymore.' I let the crutches drop to the ground and with them I drop as well. Timothée is quick to catch me before I topple forward and fall onto my face and I'm thankful for that.
'Uh-oh.' I say letting out a giggle as he grabs me and clutches onto my waist tightly leaving the crutches behind and walking me towards the bathroom again.
'Come on El. Just a few more steps you can make it.' He says and finally we make it inside and he's closing the door. 'Here just sit on the sink so you don't fall over again.' And before I can protest he lifts me up by my waist and places me on the sink.
Then he opens the sink and let's the water run smoothly on one of the clean towels. I watch him do that for a second and tilt my head at him puzzled studying how concentrated he is and watching his curls drop over his eyes. I reach out and I touch his curl moving it away from his pretty eyes and he doesn't react. Only smiles a little as he continues with his task. 'What are you doing?' I ask.
Timothée looks up at me, shifting his attention from the towel to my eyes. I feel butterflies in my stomach as he mimics what I just did by tilting his head and smiling at me. I find it so adorable and I can't help the feelings that overcome me in that moment. 'I'm wetting this towel so I can clean you up.' He says and finally he turns the water off.
He then reaches for the hem of my shirt placing his hand underneath it to create a surface and dabbing on the large spot where the smoothie stained my shirt. 'You know you're way too kind Timothée.' I say.
'Oh am I?' He asks chuckling at my sudden outburst.
I nod in all seriousness. 'Yeah. You are.' I say watching as he continues to clean my shirt. 'This is stupid to say but this is probably one of the nicest things any boy has ever done for me.' I admit and my words make him stop and look up at me once again.
Our eyes meet and I feel like there is a fire brimming in my chest. Not the bad kind, the good kind that makes me feel mushy inside and I look down at his lips letting my eyes liger there for a moment before tearing my attention away from them and finding his green eyes again.
Then that force over takes me.
The force I felt earlier when we were on the beach and I so badly want to lean in right now and close any space between us. The force is stronger than it was before but I no longer feel the urge to fight it anymore because I'm drunk and every idea in my head seems like it's a good idea even when I know it's not.
So I give in and I let it overtake me. I get closer and closer and closer and once I think I'm close enough to close my eyes and let it happen I notice Timothée lets go of my shirt and backs away.
'No.' He breathes and he shakes his head almost disappointedly. I look at him in utter shock and search his eyes for some sort of an explanation. 'Not like this Ella. Not like this.' My heart drops and that force that was pulling me towards him now has me frozen in place.
I shouldn't have done that.
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Guys I'm so sorry it took me longer than usual to update but I've been so busy lately and I'm going to continue being busy because I have two texts next week that I need to prepare for.
Don't worry though. I'm still going to be posting just not as often as I was before. Hope you guys understand and hope this chapter was enjoyable for you. <3