Kelsey pulled up to Niall's house at a quarter past six. She'd barely worked up the nerve to get in the car in the first place, wondering if maybe this would be easier if she left him a note or a voicemail. Maybe it would be easier if she simply said nothing at all.
Her hands shook as she took the key out of the ignition, sitting in her car taking deep, even breaths in an effort to calm herself. She didn't even know what she was going to say.
Kelsey thought that with as many times as her heart had been broken, or with the ways that her heart had been broken, that she would know exactly what to do or say to tear someone's heart apart. But that didn't mean that tearing Niall's heart apart was going to come easy to her. Not when doing so was also going to tear apart her own.
She knew she had to be convincing. Anything less wouldn't give Niall the closure he would need to move on. She needed him to believe that this was real. That they were done. That there would be no retained feelings. She needed him to bury himself in his music and his tour and Krystal and everything that the label wanted for him. But most of all, she needed to be convincing because she wasn't sure she could keep her own feelings at bay, should he come after her begging for a second chance.
Kelsey took another deep breath as she stepped out of her car, slamming the door shut with a thud. She could do this. For the next thirty minutes she could be someone else. Someone heartless. Because that was what Niall needed. And for some reason as she walks up the stone pathway to Niall's front porch, her mother's words echo in her mind; 'Unconditional love doesn't always mean holding on tight'.
Niall's face lit up when he answered the door after Kelsey's ring, and it broke her heart to see the joy on his face at her appearance.
"There you are darlin', hadn't heard from you all day," Niall wrapped his arms around Kelsey. His embrace was warm and inviting. Two words Kelsey doubted would describe any interaction between her and Niall after today. Kelsey pulled herself away before she could get too comfortable. Being held in Niall's arms was only reminding her of the good thing she was about to let go of.
"Sorry, it's been," she paused. "...Crazy. Can we talk?" Kelsey's eyes shifted down to the ground. She didn't want to stare into those beautiful blue eyes, the ones that reminded her of the sea. She knew if she looked in them, she would think about what she's was about to do- and she wouldn't want to do it.
"Yeh, sure," Niall paved the way for Kelsey to enter his home, before shutting the door behind them. Kelsey could sense that Niall knew something was wrong. But how could he not? He could read her like a book.
Niall followed Kelsey down the hallway and into the living room to a spot on the couch. But instead of taking her usual spot right next to him, in the place where'd they'd cuddled through a few too many Netflix binges, she sat at the end. He noticed the way Kelsey was squeezing her hands into fists so tight her knuckles were beginning to turn white. This wasn't Kelsey, and he didn't know what was going on. A pit begins to grow in the middle of his stomach.
When she finally spoke, her words come out quick and rushed, as if she doesn't say them now she might never. "I got into Stanford."
It wasn't a total lie. But it wasn't the total truth either, but it's the only thing that Kelsey could possible think of that would make Niall believe that she was ending this for reasons other than his crazy management.
Niall looked at her, his face turning into a wide grin. "Kels that's great! That's amazing! But wait...you found out that quickly? I mean your LSAT scores just came in the other day..."
Shit. Kelsey thought to herself. Her mind raced to come up with an explanation. "Ya I was surprised too but I did submit an early admission awhile ago, and they just needed the LSAT score so I guess...."
"I'm so proud of you," Niall said softly, looking towards Kelsey with a smile. But she didn't look they way someone who just got into the law school should look; her eyes distant, lips pressed together, palms rubbing together. The pit in Niall's stomach grows larger.
"Listen, Niall," Kelsey began, but instead of looking Niall in the eyes like she should have she's staring out the window at the Los Angeles springtime. She was beginning to regret not doing this over the phone. "Law school isn't going to be easy. And this," she gestured between the two of them. "Well this isn't easy either, and the tour certainly isn't going to make it easier."
Niall knew what words were going to leave Kelsey's mouth next. But that didn't mean he was prepared to hear them.
"I can't do this anymore."
"Can't do what?" Niall asked, even though he already knew the answer.
"This. Us. Getting into school just really put things into perspective for me. And you've got Krystal and the tour coming up and the promo, and I just...I just can't," Kelsey threw her hands up.
"You're breaking up with me?" Niall questioned, his voice confused. His eyebrows furrow in the middle, forming a large crease in the center of his forehead. "Here? Now?"
Kelsey could sense the hurt in his voice. The confusion. The shock. But she couldn't waver on her words. Because this was what was best for him. "Yes," her words come out firm, but the inside of her body feels weak.
"No discussion or anything? You're not going to even try to make this work?" Niall asked incredulously. "I mean you got big news today Kelsey, life changing news. Don't you think you should be making one big decision at a time. I mean if that's how you're feeling we can talk about it," Niall said. He stood, walking over to where Kelsey sat on the couch and knelt, grabbing her hands in his. "Let's talk about it darling."
Niall's touch sent electricity up Kelsey's arms. She stared at his hands, his hands intertwined with hers for the last time, and she kept staring at them, because she knew if she looked up and saw the hurt and fear in Niall's eyes, she would break down. She had to get out of here. She had to end this. She thought she was strong enough, she thought that knowing that this was the right thing would make this easier. But it wasn't. She couldn't do it. Not like this.
"Niall, there's nothing to talk about it. The decisions made. I'm chasing after my dreams, and you need to keep chasing after yours." Kelsey pulled away and stood, preparing to make her exit.
"This doesn't make sense Kels. What's going on?" Niall stood to follow Kelsey. His heart was racing faster now, trying to make sense of the emotions that were coming over him. This was out of nowhere. There was nothing that Kelsey had said or done over the past few weeks that would have hinted that she didn't want things to continue. He didn't understand.
"Nothing's going on Niall. I've had my clarity and I know that this is what's best- for both of us," Kelsey snapped, immediately regretting the tone of her voice as soon as she heard it. This was supposed to be a mature conversation, and now- well now she'd just made the first blow.
"Oh so you know what is best for both of us now?" Niall replied, his voice growing in volume. It's like a switch had flipped inside of him, and his hurt and confusion was being funneled into frustration.
Kelsey continued to move towards the entryway. Her voice quieted. "I'm saving us both from getting hurt down the road. You may not be able to see that now but you will."
Her change in tone only frustrated Niall more. Why was she being so calm about this? Why was she acting so indifferent?
"I never thought you were one to back down from a challenge, Kels. But this," he looked her straight in the eyes, pointing his finger at her and then back at himself. "This is the coward's way out. This is you ending things before you can get hurt." Niall watched as Kelsey's begins to bite her lip, a sign he knows means she's trying to hold back. "Is that what you think I want for us? For you to end up with a broken heart?" his voice increased in volume with every word, and now he's sure that any jogger passing by his house could hear his shouts. "I love you Kelsey. And I thought you loved me too," Niall's voice quivered, and he feels his eyes begin to water. "But someone in love wouldn't do what you're doing."
Kelsey wanted to scream at him. She wanted to shout and tell him that she was only doing this because she loved him so much. She loved him so much that she would rather give him up then watch him lose the most important thing in the world to him.
But she couldn't. She wasn't allowed to speak a word. So instead, she stood, staring at the grey striped rug of Niall's entryway and biting the inside of her cheek so hard she was sure she tasted blood- trying anything and everything to keep the tears at bay.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. But she knows sorry isn't enough. Sorry doesn't keep your heart from shattering into a million fragments. Sorry doesn't keep that ache in your chest that comes up whenever you think of the person at bay. Sorry doesn't make up for the way she hurt Niall, even if it wasn't her own choice.
Kelsey moved to open the front door, but Niall beat her to it, flinging it open with such force that Kelsey thought it might rip from its hinges. She paused, standing in the doorframe that represented two worlds: one in which she got to love Niall and one in which she didn't.
She looked back at him. His eyes glistening not from light but from tears. His brows crumpled and his lips taut. This wasn't the happy go-lucky man who'd joked with her from across a bar all those weeks ago. This man was wounded, and she was the one holding the weapon.
"I hope one day you realize that until you get over your fear of a broken heart, no relationship of yours is ever going to see the finish line," Niall inhaled deeply, hesitating only slightly before saying "And you're the only one to blame for that."
Niall's words stung, and Kelsey knew that if she stayed here any longer the tears would begin to fall and she wouldn't be able to stop them. So she stepped across the divide, and walked to her car without looking back, as Niall stood at his door and wondered how on earth the most important person in the world to him had just walked out of his life.
When Kelsey got back to the apartment, Becca was waiting with open arms and a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. But Kelsey didn't even have an appetite. Instead, she sat down on the couch, and buried her head into Becca's shoulder until Becca's sweatshirt was soaked with tears.
Kelsey could hear her phone vibrating on the kitchen counter. She didn't have to look at it to know it was him. When she finally grabbed her phone she had seven missed calls, three unread voice messages and about twenty texts. She wanted to listen to them. She wanted to hear his voice and his words, and she wanted everything to be okay again. But she couldn't, so Kelsey deleted every single one without a second glance.
Kelsey had been heartbroken many times in her life. But this heartbreak- this was the worst of all of them.