Both sitting on the bench, we stay quiet. Ilang beses tinakpan ni Yshara ang mukha niya.
Yshara:
I shouldn't have said that. It's so embarrassing.
Natawa ako na kinailangan niya pa talaga akong itext para lamang sabihin iyon, gayong magkatabi lang naman kaming dalawa. Hinawakan ko ang magkabilang braso niya at marahang pinaharap sa akin.
Umiling-iling ito, nag-iiwas ng tingin. I swallowed hard and bit my lower lip. Itong babaeng 'to, kahit ilang beses akong itaboy, alam kong babalik at babalik ako. "It's okay." I rub my palm up and down her arms. "Even if you didn't ask me to, I'll be back. I'm just giving you time to realize things, to understand what you really feel." Sa wakas ay unti-unti na rin siyang nag-angat sa akin ng tingin.
Binitiwan ko ang braso niya upang hayaan siyang makapagsign language. Pumikit siya at tsaka ginalaw ang mga kamay niya.
"I thought I'd be fine now. I thought that it's okay if you finally let me out of your life. I thought. I just thought." Pinanood ko siya habang gumagalaw ang mga kamay. I watched every signs she make and get it into my mind.
I realized I'm understanding her more. I realized I'm knowing her little by little and I'm more than willing to know her even more. I never thought this day will happen, I usually am not interested with others, not unless they're close with me. I always distance myself at alam iyon ni Jordan, before we get this close, we were a total opposite. I don't understand him at first and he did understand me. I've learned that good relationship starts with understanding. You have to understand each other's weak and strong points. You have to understand each other's perfection and imperfection. And with that you'll learn to accept one another.
"But that night I can't sleep. What if you'll find someone to watch over, to look at? What if it's okay with you because you just pity me? I hate it when people pity me. I used to be strong." Ang marahang pagmuwestra ay sinabayan ng pagbagsak ng mga luha niya.
"And then I saw you with another girl. I hate it. I don't want to see it. I cannot even look at you so focused on her because that's what you always do when you're with me," pinalis ko ang mga luhang kumakawala sa gilid ng mga mata niya habang siya ay nakapikit pa rin.
"Akala ko pinalitan mo na ako. That you finally get tired of me, because I'm confusing, because I don't know what I really want." Bumagsak ang balikat niya.
"I want you. I want you stay in my life because I know myself I'm better with you, that I can get through a day not feeling afraid of my demons."
"Baby, open your eyes. I want you to look at me, see through me. That I am sincere with everything that I have for you." I am in love with you. "My feelings." Kinuha ko ang kamay niya, nilapat ang palad sa tapat ng aking puso. "Feel it? That beats that way, only for you."
"But I'm still afraid." Natigilan ako. "I'm afraid that I won't be able to reciprocate all the feelings you have for me now. I'm afraid, not being able to, will only build walls between us. I want you to be my friend, so bad now."
"Baby don't rush...I can wait. Trust me on this. Have faith in me that I'll be a friend...and if you'll let me, a lover too." Pansin ko ang pag-iwas ng tingin niya. "I'll get there too anyway. I will lie if I don't feel anything more than friends do. I like you more than a friend." But I can't confessed that I'm in love with you, not now. " And know that you're not obliged to feel the same way." Ngumiti ako sa kanya. "Yshara, sobrang saya ko na malamang gusto mo akong maging kaibigan talaga. Sobrang saya. And bear in your mind that I can wait. I can die waiting..." Ani ko na hindi binabali ang titig sa kanya.
She smiled genuinely at me, tsaka ko marahang ginulo ang buhok niya. Ngumuso siya sa akin. "Bawal ba?" Umiling siya, mas lalo akong napangiti.
"What will you do tomorrow?" Pag-iiba ko ng usapan. Sandali siyang nag-isip.
"Wala naman, I go straight home not unless you want to be with me," nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa akin, napangiti ako. "How was your exams? Surely you aced everything,"
"I just did my best but not sure if I aced it."
"I hope our little fight doesn't affect you..." Nag-alangan siyang tumitig sa akin. "Doesn't affect you to be out of focus."
"As much as possible I try to separate personal feelings with my studies. Dad taught me how, kaya don't worry about me. Ikaw?" Ngumiti siya sa akin. "I'm sure you did well too."
"I already had one mistake in General Mathematics but I'm fine." Natawa ako, my baby is a grade conscious. "What's with that laugh?!" He glared at me, the wind blows her hair. Mas lalo akong natawa nang matakpan ang buong mukha niya. Marahan kong hinawi ang buhok na tumakip sa mukha niya, still doing death glares at me.
"You look aggressive now." I chuckled this time. Hinampas niya ang dibdib ko, it wasn't painful but I acted it was. "It will be of use one day." Sinikop ang mga kamay niyang nanghahampas pa rin sa dibdib ko. Hinapit ko ang baywang niya papalapit sa akin, tsaka tinaas ang kamay niyang nagpupumiglas. Marahan kong binaba ang bibig ko sa tapat ng kanyang tainga. "I like you being aggressive too. Oh right! Scratch that. I like everything about you, everything you do and you'll do." Malamyos ang boses na sabi ko sa kanya, kinagat niya ang ibabang labi niya kaya naman naluwagan ko ang pagkakahawak sa kanya.
She pushed me. Tumayo ito sa tapat ko, napangiti na lang ako habang nakapamaywang siya. "Really? That's your definition of being friends?"
"Come on baby, I'm your friend and your lover too." I pouted. She rolled her eyes. Hinawi niya ang buhok niya at nagsimula nang maglakad, tumayo ako para masabayan siya. Marahan kong binabangga ang balikat niya. Sinasamaan niya lang ako ng tingin. "Sorry na..." I said in the cutest way I can manage.
Nang muli niya akong lingunin ay nagpipigil na siya ng ngiti. "Sorry na please..." Subok kong muli. "Ibibili kita ng isang kahon ng Chuckie."
Tinaas niya ang kamay niya. "Okay..." Still suppressing a smile.
"Ang ganda pa rin." Bulong ko, habang nakasunod sa kanya.
For the last day of exam I brought my McLaren, hinihintay ko na lang matapos si Yshara sa exams niya, I texted her that I'm done with my exams. Sa tabi ko ay isang kahon ng Chuckie, planning to surprise her with this.
I only waited for 10 minutes more when someone knocked on the door, marahan kong binuksan ang pinto hanggang siya na ang gumawa nito. I was holding my phone to capture this moment when her eyes grew wider as she looks at the box of Chuckie.
"Were you that serious?" Hindi matanggal ang ngiti sa kanyang mga labi. I smiled and nodded, I took more photos of her. "Hey! Stop taking photos of mine!"
"Okay okay. I'm not gonna post this don't worry. Remembrance lang."
"But thank you! Thank you so much! I love these." She genuinely smiled at me, and I can give her yearly supply of Chuckie just to have her smile at me that way again.
"Sa susunod 'yang I love these mo, I love you na." I chuckled. She just glared at me. "Joke lang naman, ito namang magandang 'to hindi mabiro." I pinch her cheeks, napangiwi siya. "Lilipat ko lang 'to sa likod," referring to the box of Chuckie.
Habang nagmamaneho ay naging tahimik lamang kami. "Gusto mong sumama sa ViC?" Umiling siya.
"I'm not interested with companies to be honest. I just wanted a simple life in the future. Work, earn...that normal person does. If I could donate our company and airline to the poorest, I'll do that." I didn't know her to be like this, so compassionate with less fortunate people.
"My mom was once a beggar." Nalaglag ang panga ko. "Her childhood is all about begging people to give her money for their daily food."
"I'm so sorry to hear about that. Your mom deserves so much better than that. I didn't know." Mababa ang aking boses, hindi na siya umimik pa. Tsaka ko niliko ang kotse. Malapit na kami sa exclusive subdivision nila kaya binagalan ko na ang pagmamaneho. Nang ililiko ko na ulit papasok sa subdivision niya ay hinawakan niya ang braso ko.
"Do you really need to be at work after this?" May pag-aalinlangan sa kanyang mga mata.
"Why? Do you want me to stay?" Kinagat niya ang ibabang labi niya na hindi na magawang tumingin pa sa akin. "Just tell me Yshara if you want me to stay. I'll stay. Saglit lang naman ako roon. I'll check blueprints with dad and also will go sa isang construction site malapit lang naman sa ViC, that won't take long." Paliwanag ko sa kanya. Umiling siya.
"No it's okay. Ihatid mo na lang ako sa amin," aniya sa mabagal na pagmuwestra ng kanyang mga kamay.
"Sure..."
"Text me as soon as your done." Napangiti ako. I know how hard it is to try to get to know someone.
"Also, I want you to come with me at Villangco Medical Center one day," napansin ko ang panginginig ng mga kamay niya. Agad ko itong hinawakan upang kumalma. "Doc Kaye, I've known her since I was a kid, and she's really a great doctor. I want you to come back to her, and do your therapy again. I want to hear your voice again, if you'll allow me to." Huminga akong malalim matapos sabihin iyon. Natatakot ako na baka may mali sa mga sinabi ko at ma-trigger lamang siya lalo.
"I don't want to...give me time to think about it, please." Ngumiti ako sa kanya at tumango.
Patungo na ako sa ViC ay hindi pa rin mawala-wala sa isip ko ang mukha ni Yshara. How can someone be that lovely without doing so much things?
"Dad," tinapik ni dad ang likod ko nang makarating sa kanyang opisina. "Wait lang dad," kinuha ko ang phone ko at doon nagtipa ng mensahe para kay Yshara.
Ako:
At ViC, gonna work hard for our future ;) I'll update more later. :)
Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin kay daddy ay naka-upo na siya sa kanyang swivel chair. He's reading a blueprint. Marunong na akong magbasa ng mga blueprint subalit hindi pa ito pulido.
"This is the blueprint of our next hotel." Tinitigan ko ang blueprint na nasa harapan namin. Our next hotel will be build in the south of the Philippines. This will be dad's last project, and will be bigger than Mi Ela Hotel and will be in partnership with our engineering company. It will take about 2.5-3.5 years to finish it. "I am doing another drafting of this. This is not yet finalize." Beside the blueprint are unfinish manual and digital drafts. Napaawang ang bibig ko sa sinabi ni daddy, I've never seen a blueprint complicated as this before. Even the foundations are complicated too and I know by just looking at it, it surely cost a billion.
Pinakita rin sa akin ni daddy ang isa pa niyang draft. I'm amaze on how it looks different kahit draft pa lang. Dad is really a genius. "Dad I think this main pool area should be here." Suggestion ko, dad is very attentive in taking notes of my suggestions. Kahit sa tingin ko ang iba ay hindi naman posible, hinahayaan niya pa rin akong magsalita nang magsalita.
Halos dalawang oras din namin iyon pinag-aralan ni daddy. Nakailang vibrate na rin ang phone ko. I thought it will only take an hour to discuss this with dad pero humigit pa.
Yshara:
Not done yet?
Yshara:
Where are you?
Yshara:
Are you still there? Hindi naman gumuho yung building diba?
Yshara:
Where you at the construction site already? You didn't update me. I thought one hour ka lang sa ViC tapos diretso ka na sa construction site.
Yshara:
Yeah. It's nearly two hours.
Yshara:
Okay fine. I'm not being clingy, I'm just concern. 🙄
Napahalakhak ako, napalingon sa akin si dad. "Dad, punta na akong site. May magandang nauubos na ang pasensiya sa akin," kunot-noong tumitig sa akin si dad, napahalakhak ulit ako bago lumabas ng kanyang opisina.
"That's not how you do it Dray! Hindi mo dapat pinaghihintay ang babae!" Natawa ako sa pahabol ni daddy, ngumiti na lamang ako. I know dad. I know.
Bago ako magreply ay pinalitan ko na ang pangalan ni Yshara sa contacts ko. From Yshara now to my baby.
Baby:
Eh di wag kang magreply! Make sure you're wearing a hard cap! I'm gonna sleep now.
Ako:
Really huh? It's only 5 PM. Aga naman matulog ng baby ko.
Hindi na siya nagreply pa pagkatapos, nailing na lamang ako habang nangingiti. Sa site ay nakasalubong ko si Juan.
"Sir Dray!" Inabot niya sa akin ang isang hard cap.
"Juan! I'm not your boss here. Drop the sir." Nahihiya itong nagkamot ng batok. "Siya nga pala, kamusta? Si Engineer De Guzman ba nandiyan?"
"Opo Sir---este. Oo Dray, pinagbreak niya lang kami sandali. Babalik kami sa trabaho makalipas ang sampung minuto." Paliwanag ni Juan. Sinuot ko na ang hard cap at nagsimulang maglakad patungo sa site mismo, napansin ko ang pagsunod ni Juan sa akin.
"It's okay Juan. Take your break. Kay Engineer De Guzman na lang ako didiretso." Tumango ito at nagpasalamat bago tumungo sa mga kasamahan niya.
Habang palapit nang palapit sa site ay may ilang bumati pa sa akin. Namataan ko si Engineer De Guzman na may pinapaliwanag sa isang construction worker habang pareho silang nakatingin sa blueprint.
Long ago ViC is only known for their hotels nationwide, after years of Dad being the CEO, he didn't stop there, before investing in a polo field, he had Villangco Construction and Development Corporation (VCDC). He once joked he had a feeling I'll want to be an engineer, so he built a company he can pass to me. I doubt that, I know dad likes to do a lot of things. As much as possible he wanted to explore business and make sure his skills as an engineer isn't forgotten.
"Dray! Kanina ka pa?" Umiling ako kay Engineer De Guzman na ngayon ay papalapit na pala sa akin. "It's been a month since your last visit. Look what we have now." Pinagmalaki niya sa akin na, nangangalahati na sila sa commerical building na ito.
"This one is really modern." Komento ko.
"I'd still go for a not so modern like this, but that's what the client wants. Make it the most modern, if we can." Nagkabit siya ng balikat. "I trust that clients are always right," he chuckled. Natawa na lang ako habang naiiling.
"What brings you here? Ah! I know! Pinapractice na ang pagiging CEO namin?" Biro niya.
"I'm still young! Just always wanna see how construction workers work hard for this." Sumimangot siya sa akin dahil sa binanggit ko. Binangga ko ang balikat niya. "I'm not forgetting your hardwork too. Besides you got bags under your eyes just to make this possible."
"This client is too demanding, anyway, it's better this way, by your time as CEO, we will be one of the top engineering companies." Napailing na lang ako sa kanya.
We talked more about this commercial building before I decided to go home. It's nearly 7 PM. I checked if my baby already replied back. Hindi ko alam kung bakit napangiti ako kahit wala naman siyang reply.
Ako:
Going home now.
Baby:
Yeah. Take care. Goodnight.
Natawa ako. Someone's being cold now eh?
Ako:
You're not going to sleep yet, tomorrow is weekend. I'm going there.
Sunod-sunod ang reply niya na hindi ko na pinansin pa. Tinahak ko ang daan patungo sa kanila. Nang maipit sa traffic ay tsaka ko inabala ang sarili sa pagbabasa ng mga reply niya.
Baby:
What?! Are you serious?
Baby:
I'm not home!!!
Try harder baby. Naiiling ako sa mga reply niya.
Baby:
You can't go here! We've seen each other earlier, already. Why do you have to go here?
Ako:
Because you're being cold and I don't like it.
Baby:
I'm not being cold!
Mas lalong lumalapad ang ngiti ko sa mabilisan niyang pagrereply.
Ako:
Oh baby, yes you are. I'm going to discipline you tonight.
Natawa ako sa sarili kong reply. I hope she won't take it seriously.
Baby:
You know what? You're creeping me out!
Ako:
Really huh? I thought I'm making you blush now.
Hindi na siya nagreply at sa wakas ay nakalampas na rin sa matinding traffic.
Ako:
I'm already here. Can I go inside?
Baby:
I'm going out!
Ako:
I thought you're not home...
Hindi nagtagal ay lumabas na si Yshara nakasuot ng pajamas. I smiled. She's still pretty with those pajamas on. Kumatok siya sa bintana, agad ko itong binaba. "What are you doing here?!" Galit ang tingin niya sa akin.
"Pasok ka rito. I want to see you." Amin ko sa kanya, binuksan ko na ang pinto at padabog siyang umupo sa passenger's seat.
"You let me wait for your text and now you're here. You've got your own ways now huh?" If only I can hear her voice now, she probably sounds like she's so mad at me.
Kinuha ko ang siko niya at marahang hinimas ito. Lumambot ang expression ng mukha niya sa ginawa ko. Sinandal ko ang noo ko sa balikat niya. "What should I do now? I can't get you out of my mind. Baby, you're driving me crazy...crazier..." Halos namamaos ang boses ko. Sa tingin ko ay natuod na siya sa pwesto niya sa biglaang posisyon naming ito.
Hindi siya sumagot. "I just like you so much. I wanna work hard for us. You can do normal things you want, like doing work that you want and earn from that while I provide most for us...for our family. I wanna spoil you with everything I can earn in the future." Ramdam ko ang mabilis na pagtaas baba ng dibdib niya. Pag-angat ko ng tingin sa kanya, natanto kong sobrang lapit na pala ng mga mukha namin sa isa't-isa.
Ang kanina'y kalmado kong pakiramdam ay napalitan nang nag-aalab na pakiramdam. Hell! I'm a man too, and I'm not all saint. And fuck it! I would really lose this, kung ganito siya kalapit sa akin. Gusto ko siyang halikan! Damn it.
Pumikit ako nang mariin. Pinigilan ang sarili na lumapat ang labi ko sa kanya. I won't touch her lips with mine...she's still, after all, a friend to me. At kahit gaano ko man kagusto ang mahalikan siya, respect is what this girl deserves.
Dahan-dahan akong gumalaw palayo, enough not to touch her lips, it's a good thing she isn't moving that much too. Hinabol ko ang sariling paghinga habang nakasandal sa driver's seat bago nagpasyang lingunin muli siya.
"I think I've seen enough. I've seen you tonight and that is enough." I tucked strands of her hair behind her ear. "I'll walk you out now," marahan siyang tumango sa akin. I climbed out of the car, walk around and open the door for her.
"Thank you..." We both stared at each other for a couple of minutes. "See you on Monday then?"
Ngumiti ako at tumango. "Can we stay like this? Saglit lang."
"Wanna walk around?" Parang musika sa aking tainga kahit wala akong narinig, ay para akong tangang ngiting-ngiti sa kanyang tumango. Napailing siya, nagpipigil ng ngiti.
"Akala ko galit ka...o nagtatampo." Tumingin ako sa langit. The first time we walk together at night, I remember there were no stars above. Right now, stars are twinkling brighter, a beautiful reminder that I'm finally probably having a place in her heart, and I would still be the happiest even if it's just a dot.
I watch her walk with me. "I'm not mad."
"Talaga?" Tumango siya sa akin. "What's with the cold reply then?" Patuyang tanong sa kanya.
"Because you told me you'll text me...and I'm used to your updates, of where you are, of what you do..." Tumigil siya sa paggalaw ng mga kamay niya tila nag-iisip nang mabuti sa irarason. "And I waited for that...but you didn't! And I was worried too!"
"But baby you said you want me to be just your friend for now. I don't think, that is how friends act though..." Napansin ko ang pagbilis ng bawat hakbang niya. Hinagilap ko ang kamay niya at pinirmi sa akin. She didn't push my hand away or anything. "Although I'm fine with it." Tsaka niya marahas na hinila ang kamay niya at tinaas sa ere. Mabilis siyang nagsign language na hindi ko agad nakuha.
"Baby, slower please..." Natatawa kong sabi sa kanya. Inapakan niya ang paa ko. "You really are aggressive sometimes." Inirapan niya ako subalit inulit pa rin ang paggalaw ng kanyang mga kamay, this time slower.
"I don't know. I told you I'm confused too! So just don't mind me if I don't act the way friends should...or stop me from acting like we're more than friends..." Hinuli ko ang mga braso niya.
"No, I like that. I won't stop you, why would I? Minsan ka na nga lang maglambing pipigilan ko pa?" Tumingin siya sa malayo. "Just do whatever you feel to do." Sumenyas siya sa aking may sasabihin kaya binitiwan ko na siya.
"Hindi ako naglalambing," she corrected me. I chuckled and run my fingers through my hair. I chuckled again.
"Okay fine. Hindi ka naglalambing." She crossed her arms over her chest and raised a brow. "I'll text you, I'll update you of whatever I do. So you won't overthink. So you won't worry ever again. Are we good now?" Malambing kong sabi sa kanya.
When she's about to argue with me again, I pulled her for a hug. "Let me just hug you and we'll go back to your house after this."
With that I feel so contented of what we have now. Kahit hindi pa siya sigurado sa nararamdaman niya, alam kong kaya kong maghintay. I'll wait because I know it's worth it and she's worth it. I just wanted to enjoy every moment with her like tomorrow doesn't exist at all.