i feel empty.
i feel hollow and heavy and tired,
i feel like i'm missing something,
like i've lost something i used to be.
i don't know why i feel like i'm missing something,
but i just know something is gone,
and i can't live without it.
i don't know what "it" is.
hope?
happiness?
comfort?
love?
motivation?
i don't know.
i don't know anything anymore.
i don't feel joy from simple things that i used to love.
complete anhedonia.
all of the good things about living,
like warm sunny days,
playing with kittens,
eating my favorite food,
drawing my favorite things,
listening to music,
reading my favorite books,
anything and everything,
it's all gone.
i don't feel anything anymore.
i don't know why i'm still holding onto life when everything about my psyche keeps breaking down every day.
i don't want to disappoint anyone,
or make anyone sad,
i suppose.
that's one of the only reasons why i haven't died yet.
that, and hoping that i one day find whatever i have lost that makes me feel this way.
because when the pills don't work,
and therapy doesn't work,
and hospitalization doesn't work,
what am i supposed to do, other than wait?