© 2014 Emma Norman. All Rights Reserved.
[chloe]
The entire day passed by a little too quickly for my liking and, for once, I actually didn't want school to end because I didn't want to have to face the reality of the inevitable. I was going to go to this appointment and they were going to confirm that I was pregnant, that I was going to be a mother, and I was going to have to decide what was the best thing to do.
The sound of the final bell was, as always on a Friday afternoon, followed by the scrapping of chairs and mass amount of cheering as everyone ran out of the classroom for the start of their weekend. Many of them would be spending their weekend drunk and with their friends, while I would be spending the weekend alone and with my thoughts.
I slowly picked up my books from the table and returned them to my bag, not even bothering to check the time as I did so. I wasn't ready for what was going to happen, nor was I ready to accept that this baby was going to be a part of my father, whether I liked it or not. And, as much as I didn't like it, this baby was a part of me and the guilt of even considering an abortion had grown greatly throughout the day; especially when I heard people speak of the emotional distress Louise Perkins had been in when she took the decision to abort her child just last week.
"Chloe Parker," I turned at the sound of my name and there he stood in all his glory, his infamous smirk covering his face and, had it not been for the fact that he was a complete jerk who had slept with the majority of Year Thirteen, then he would have been pretty damn attractive.
"What do you want?" I wasn't in the mood for anything which he had to say because there was no way in hell that it was going to be anything good.
Prior to the mistake of sleeping with Matthew, the only time he spoke to me was to insult me or to make me feel like shit, but those were the only occasions when he would speak with me. Which is what makes it so hard to believe that, not three years' ago, we had been best friends with each other and were inseparable.
"Someone informs me, that you—" he paused for a moment as he walked closer to me, the smirk quickly disappearing once we were stood toe-to-toe with each other, "—you are pregnant."
"And you believe everything you hear?" I chuckled slightly.
"I do when they also tell me that I am father of that baby," there wasn't the faintest bit of amusement in either his voice or his face. He was being serious and that scared me more than anything, and it was worrying when Matthew was serious because, recently, the only things he was serious about were sports and his family.
"Right? And who told you this nonsense?" I was hiding how terrified I was right now. I didn't want to tell him that he was the father of my child, that he had gotten me pregnant because we were both stupid enough to forget protection in our drunken states, because I knew that he would never believe me and that he would never accept the truth.
"Abigail Johnson. A friend of yours, I believe," Matthew's tone was cold, so there was no messing around right now. It was just he and I, and the words which laid between a simple lie to save my ass or the truth which would cause more tension than already existed between the pair of us.
"If that were true, would I not have told you myself?"
"I don't believe that you would have done, Chloe. I believe that you would have hidden it from me, fearing what my reaction might have been should you reveal that I am to be a father," I hated that he right and I hated that he wore that smug grin which said that he knew he was right. I didn't want to tell him that I was carrying his child, and it was for those exact reasons that I didn't want to tell him the truth.
"Let us say, hypothetically of course, that I was carrying your child. How would you react?" I wanted to know for certain and then I would know whether to tell him the truth or not.
"Honest answer? I would tell you to abort the child," Matthew didn't even hesitate in his answer, he knew what he wanted me to do with his baby, and that scared me to know that he had considered what he would tell me if I had admitted to him that I was pregnant. "I would also tell you that we are too young to cope with a baby. I would tell you that, should you decide to keep the baby, then I would want nothing to do with it. And I would tell you that you should expect nothing from me as a father."
"Good job I'm not pregnant then, right?" I grinned at him, concealing just how much his words had actually hurt, no matter how truthful they may have been, they still hurt and I needed to be away from Matthew before I said or did something I regretted. "Have a wonderful weekend, Matthew."
I pushed him out of the way, throwing my bag over my shoulder, and walking out of the room without another word, fighting back the tears which were threatening to fall from my eyes in that moment. It was as though his words had had the desired impact, and they were the words which suddenly filled me with the overwhelming urge to protect the life which was growing inside me.
I wanted to keep my child alive and I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready for this, that I was ready to be a mother to a child who was always going to deserve more than I could give. I wanted to show the world that I was ready to grow up and that nothing was going to stop me from doing that.
From nowhere, there was this instinct as a mother, to love the baby which I was carrying. It wasn't the child's fault that it was conceived as a result of a drunken one-night stand with a complete asshole, and it wasn't the child's fault that its father was a heartless bastard either. Because, honestly, any man can create a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father.
I was so lost in my thoughts, in concealing the tears which wanted to fall, that I wasn't even looking at where I was going. I ended up running into someone and I looked up to see that it was none other than the girl I wanted to avoid right now, the girl who was meant to be my friend but took it upon herself to tell Matthew about the baby.
"I thought you were my friend, Abi," I didn't beat about the bush. I was in a foul mood, Abi had pissed me off, and I wanted to find Jodie so that I could get the hell out of here.
"Chl—"
"You told him the truth, and do you know what he said to me?" I didn't even break eye contact as I spoke to her, every ounce of anger going into the words which I spoke to her, because I wanted her to know how she had made me feel and I wanted her to know that she was nothing to me after the stunts she had pulled today.
"What?"
"That I should have an abortion, the one thing you condemned me for saying. He wants me to murder our child, just because he can't accept the fact that he's practically a father now," I snapped as the tears finally fell from my eyes and she was foolish enough to think that I would actually let her hug me, but I didn't want her to touch me, and neither did I want her sympathy. "Just like I told you would happen. So why the hell couldn't you leave it and let me deal with this in my own way?"
"I thought I was helping. I—"
"Helping? You didn't fucking help me, Abi. You just made everything a thousand times worse for me," I cried.
"That was never my intention. I just thought that he deserved to know the truth, because you were never going to tell him," Abi defended her actions, but it was too late for that now, not when the damage had already been done and there was nothing she could say which would make this any better than it was.
"Good job I managed to convince him that you were lying," I felt the vibration of my phone in my pocket and I pulled it out to see that it was Jodie. She was probably wanting to know where the hell I was and if I still wanted her to come to the hospital with me. "Stay the hell away from me, Abigail."
"But—"
"No. We're done," I was done with her and I was done with her judgements. I didn't need her, not when I had Jodie, who may have been critical, but at least she was there for me now and she hadn't done something stupid, like telling Matthew that he is the father of my unborn child. I was going to need Jodie, now more than ever, and I was relieved that she was still there for me—even if she did think that I was an absolute fool for what I had done in the first place.
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"Are you sure that you're alright?" Jodie asked me nth time since we had walked into this waiting room, I had actually lost count of the number of times that she had asked me that question now, and my answer was the same as it had been all the previous times.
"I am fine, Jods. I'm just nervous about all of this, that's all," I sighed and that was partially true, I was nervous. I was nervous about what I would do when they confirmed the pregnancy, but then I was also slightly nervous as to being told that it was a false alarm and there was no pregnancy at all.
I was, especially after my conversation with Matthew, coming round to the idea of being a mother. I would have someone to love, someone who would actually need me to protect them, and someone who would need me to care about them. I would have someone to devote all of my time and I would actually have someone who meant the world to me.
"Why are you nervous?"
"What if I am pregnant? What do I do then? I don't even know how to look after myself, let alone look after a baby," I stated quickly.
"If you are pregnant, Clo, then you need to do what is best for you. You need to think about yourself, and you need to think about the baby, because this is your life which is going to change," I was glad that she was here for me. She had always known how to calm people down, and she had always had a knack of being able to see the positive in the negative.
"I am coming round to the idea of being a mother, Jodie. I would have someone to love in a way I was never loved by my own parents, I would be able to grow up and live my life, and I would be able to give them all my time and love," I smiled as I looked down at my stomach, placing my hand over it as though there was something more than what was currently the size of a seed.
I thought ahead to the future of this pregnancy and how big I would actually get if I decided to keep the baby. I wouldn't be able to lie to people for long because they would all notice that I was beginning to get more than just fat—they would notice that, each month, I was getting rounder and then they would connect the dots themselves, they would realise that I was helping with the growth of a whole new life.
"If you decide to keep it, then I can tell that you are going to be one hell of a mother," Jodie grinned once again.
"How do you know that?"
"If your parental skills are anything like your friendship skills, then I assure you now, you have nothing to worry about."
"Chloe Parker?" I looked to see a nurse stood there with a piece of paper in her hand and a smile on her face, something which actually helped me relax slightly and made me feel more at ease with the environment which I had found myself in.
I pushed myself from my seat, taking in a deep breath as I did so, because I was mentally preparing myself for the moment which I had wanted to avoid all day. I was going to find out the truth once and for all, and then I was going to have to confront Matthew so that I could tell him that Abi wasn't lying and I am, indeed, carrying his child and there is no way that he is going to make me kill it.
I gripped Jodie's hand once we reached the nurse, taking deep breaths and assuring myself that everything was going to be fine, but that was quickly becoming more difficult the closer we got to the door. I didn't want to know the truth, I wanted to continue living in my bubble for just a little longer, where I could just act like this wasn't happening and I hadn't been told to end the life which was growing within me—though that was also my first thought, but it was no longer an option for me, to have an abortion and kill an innocent child before it's had the chance to become something special.
"You are going to be fine," Jodie whispered, giving my hand a slight squeeze, just to reassure me that she wasn't lying and I was going to be completely fine. The nurse came to a stop outside the door, which she pushed open and gestured for me to walk in before her, and I was surprised when I saw that it was my doctor who was sitting in the room.
"Thank you, Jenni," John nodded politely at her and she took that as her sign to leave the room, leaving me with just John and Jodie, my nerves now at their highest point as I thought about telling John the truth behind this pregnancy. I could just blurt out the words, tell him that it was his son who had gotten me into this situation and now he was refusing to take responsibility for it, but then I thought better of it and decided that was a conversation for another day. "I understand that you think you are pregnant?"
"Are you going to tell my parents?" I knew about the 'patient confidentiality' thing, but John and my father were good friends outside of their profession and, when they were working, they always spoke to each other for advice on their patients if they were unsure of which route was the best to take for that patient. And that's the thing which worried me, was John speaking to my father and telling him that I was pregnant.
"You know I can't do that, Chloe," John almost looked disappointed in me, and that was something which hurt, and it was a look which I never thought that I would see in John's eyes when it came to myself.
He had been a part of our family for almost twenty years now and he had come to love me as he did his own daughter. He had come to love that I wasn't interested in the lives which other girls were interested in, and that I didn't have sex or alcohol on my mind constantly, so to discover that I was potentially pregnant was probably quite a shock to his system.
"I know what you and my father are like. You seek advice from each other," I argued.
"This is not for me to tell him. You have to tell him because, if he finds out from anyone other than you, it will devastate him," John sighed. But I don't think devastate was the right word to use, angry and pissed off would better describe my father's reaction, and then he would be sure to do everything he could to force me from the family because he didn't give a shit about me. He would give even less of shit if he knew that I was pregnant.
"I may not even be pregnant. This could all be a false alarm," I knew that was a lie and I was trying to convince myself of something which wasn't true, simply because I didn't want the lecture which would follow this in which John told me how I needed to tell my parents, and how he told me that he was disappointed that I had landed myself in this situation.
"Then let us find out for certain," John moved around the room to gather the equipment he would need, while I just focused on Jodie and thoughts of actually being a mother, more specifically of being the mother which my own had never been to me. "On the bed."
John's words forced me back to reality and I did as he had instructed, lifting my top up and unbuttoning my trousers, without even being told, so that he could get to my stomach. I had seen more than enough hospital based programmes to know how this all worked.
I closed my eyes, breathing slowly as I mentally prepared myself, not even flinching when John applied the gel to my stomach, and neither did I reply when he told me that it was going to be cold. I just braced myself for the words which, strangely, I actually wanted to hear and I could feel myself getting just a little excited at the prospect of being a mother.
"How long ago did you sleep with this guy then?" John asked as he did what he needed to do.
"That's none of your dam—" but I stopped myself when I heard a sound, and I knew precisely what that sound was and who it belonged to, it was the sound of my baby's heartbeat and, despite all the nerves and fear I was feeling, I couldn't help but smile at that small sound of life.
"You are pregnant, Chloe," I didn't open my eyes, I just listened, embracing the sound which was evidence of the life I had produced with Matthew.
"How long?" Jodie asked for me.
"It's too early to give a proper dating, but I would say somewhere between six and eight weeks," John replied, and that was all I needed to hear, to know that I had been harbouring this life for almost two months now. I wasn't going to terminate this pregnancy and I was going to carry this baby full term, regardless of what other people told me or what they thought of me, I was going to keep this child and I was going to be a mother.